Improvement, laughter and a belly full of buffet.

Good evening all, back to my usual blogging this pleasant Tuesday evening.

The birds are tweeting away and the cat is sitting in the bird table eagerly awaiting for them to make the blunder of jumping into their usual resting place so he can catch them and bring me a present that I’ll have to dispose of whilst patting him on the head saying “Good boy”.

Before I start babbling (like I usually do when I’ve been away for 24 hours) I best rattle off a quote. This one summed up today’s thoughts.

“If we couldn’t laugh then we would all go insane”- Robert Frost.

Laughter is the one thing at times that keeps me going. In times of misery laughter can be the ultimate tool, laughter can also be an incentive to carry on. I try to be a lady however the usual toilet humour such as people farting, falling over or saying the most ridiculous (yet not funny) jokes can crease me up. I don’t know what it is however I’ve been like that my entire life.

What is it that makes you laugh? Do you have any memorable moments to share? Have a think and see if it makes you laugh still.

Laughter is something I’ve found that in times of weakness can pick you up and make your heart sing. Usually people are drawn to others that make them laugh because it’s deemed as a major quality in a potential significant other.

Whilst growing up I felt that although I had memorable childhood moments that there were occasions where my heart wouldn’t sing. I couldn’t see the wood from the trees and the constant battle with Epilepsy was something I feared most. Although I had a condition I noticed the walking on egg shells started to become apparent and I was in a position where I started questioning myself and how Epilepsy would define me as a person.

Epilepsy has been a battle since day one however without it my world would be lost. Strange that eh? In fact it probably wouldn’t however is all I know.

There has been many a time where I’ve wanted to erase my condition, bag it up, throw it in the bin and be rid of it however it’s not quite that simple. The resentment I felt towards my condition in my younger and teenage years was something that I found quite upsetting and the seizures even more so. My thoughts were jumbled.

To tell someone that you’ve had a seizure was something people couldn’t come to terms with particularly people my own age who didn’t have the foggiest. My parents were never one to be ashamed of me however there was this fragment of my mind that thought differently. How ridiculous is that?

My parents to this day ensure me that without me in their lives that their lives wouldn’t be half as fulfilled as they are now. Bearing in mind those words it’s safe to say that I have the best and only parents in the world. Their love and support is endless and their advice is second to none.

As you are all aware I have second guessed myself more times than I’ve had hot dinners particularly when work’s involved. Work to me is something that has been engrained into me from the day I could understand what a job was. When I first started work the idea of being on the sick frightened me because being on the sick repeatedly could only result in one thing… Being sacked.

From my latest blogs the discussion about sickness has ranked up there with being as daft as a ships cat and conjuring a plan in my head of spending my monthly salary before it’s even reached my bank account.

Working with Epilepsy is something that can cause a stir depending upon the work environment you’re in. I have been very fortunate that whilst working I have had the backing of my colleagues who automatically grab me a bar of chocolate whilst shaking incase my blood sugar levels are low and usually have a plastic cup of water (glass is not the best thing to have when shaking) to hand to cool me down.

You cannot alter the fact that people may feel uncomfortable approaching you about your condition however they need to understand too. Remember even though you live with Epilepsy you needed educating once therefore they should be given that same chance.

I don’t believe in giving in when the minor shakes occur however have drawn the conclusion that when the more severe arrive that I return home, lie in bed and allow the shakes to do what they must. You have to be sensible.

Today I had the opportunity of looking through my seizure diary at the amount of sick has fallen rapidly.

To think that since accepting my condition, attending therapy and appreciating life has made me think differently. The shakes are still prominent however something that doesn’t worry me like it once did. I still have my moments of weakness however that’s what being human’s all about. Accepting fault and moving on from it.

Surely there’s improvement there if my sickness is decreasing. When I first started shaking I’d shake up to six times per week. I’d like to think the decreasing episodes could be down to helping myself. Who knows? Either that or my brain wants a little rest.

The chicken pox could not be prevented however as time goes on my acceptance towards my shakes is becoming stronger and I can see a massive change in my persona when the topic’s raised. Unfortunately I have no say when the shakes arrive however are now aware of my circumstances and give myself that little pat on the back following a shaking episode because I know deep down I’ve managed to cope without reassurance.

I would recommend that you all do the same. Next time you have a moment alone have a think about what’s most important, what you can change and what you cannot control. Do the positives exceed the negatives and if not why not? Could anyone else help you? Knowing there’s an issue to be addressed means you’re half way there.

Fortunately the past couple of weeks the shakes have diminished slightly with me shaking approximately twice instead of my latest bout of four times per week. Instead of being down in the dumps like I was the other day whilst chuntering on about my Asthma I realised that life isn’t that bad. It get’s us down from time to time however it’s all about the getting back up.

Medication is renowned for causing side effects to all patients let alone ones suffering from a medical condition. To have such chemicals in one’s body cannot be healthy however knowing that my medication is keeping my seizures at bay is enough for me.

Anyhow onto today’s events.

One word. Buffet. Sod Peppa Pig I am officially Saz Pig. I have eaten like a horse all day. Apart from the water I gulped down in between it’s safe to say that my Sazzle snack challenge has fell by the waist side. Today’s buffet concoction included cheese savoury sarnies, potato croquettes, chicken tikka parcel pasties, four chocolate cookies, cocktail sausages the works. I was gluttonous and grazed all day. I felt sick when I returned from work and have returned back to my healthy beef noodles to console myself after the grub I’ve eaten.

The one (sort of) good thing to come out of today was resuming my exercise mission that is to be a lean mean squatting machine in no time. The term “Keep calm and squat on” is back!

I’ll let you in on a little secret. As a child I dreaded PE at school. Apart from dancing and playing rounders I was shit at anything physical. I usually needed my inhaler 20 times whilst doing cross country, fell off a climbing frame a good few times and was informed that I was and would forever will be Wing Attack on the school netball team.

There’s nout flash about being wing attack is there really? I was no goal attack I was just bland old wing attack.

I stood there PE kit on with my gangly bruised legs (because I usually fell over my flat feet whilst running) staring into space whilst watching my team get shafted 100-0 still not knowing where to stand and what part of the court I was meant to be on. Rounders on the other hand was my thing. I batted away and ran as fast as my legs would carry me, bat in one hand blue inhaler in the other.

Mind you I have started a new fitness regime all courtesy of YouTube.

I’m not a fitness fanatic to say the least. I do my squats, leg lifts, sit ups, hand held weights and that’s about it. This DVD footage has bust my balls in 20 minutes. I am absolutely exhausted. The woman I was exercising to is phenomenal and has a body to die for. If the reviews on Amazon are to go by this woman is gonna woop my arse and ensure I achieve my goal.

Now I’m psyched up and ready to go. My attention is turned to my slimpod and this YouTube exercise plan by American fitness guru Jillian Michaels. I couldn’t help but notice her 30 day shred and was intrigued therefore played this 20 minute video and joined in. All I’ve got to say is “Bloody hell this woman means business” and I’m only onto level one.

This woman is a mean machine, no wonder she was one of the judges on the American version of the Biggest Loser. That’s exactly what I need someone to spur me on.

I’ve ordered her DVD’s and are gonna see how far I get. I’ve been informed that with exercise it’s all about little and often, pushing yourself as far as you can and not rushing in with both feet because that will result in injury. Not good. I intend to exercise the recommended 5 days per week and take it from there. As she would say will I see results I’m hoping so. For her sake.

To conclude today’s post. Improvement is necessary to keep us on our toes, laughter keeps us going and eating too much buffet is pleasurable at the time however makes you fart all night. On a more serious note. I will leave you with a further quote that I will allow you to answer.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty”- Winston Churchill.

When Epilepsy is concerned look at your condition as a whole. Accept that there will be problems along the way however that’s normal. As long as you have support and the optimism to continue then that’s what will keep you going. That and laughter of course.

Memories… and worry.

“Memories are what warm you up from the inside but they’re also what tear you apart”- Haruki Murakami.

Memories. If you wanna sing then by all means do because the song the way we were entered my mind as soon as I wrote that word. That and the song from one of the Theatrical west end performances. Was it Cats?

Memories is something that cannot be taken away from you and should be something you treasure however as Haruki Murakami put it they can fact tear you apart that’s if you dwell on something particular for long enough.

Memories to me are a mixed bag of emotions. The nicest memories have to be things like laughing at friend’s jokes, going on my very first summer holiday, family time, opening my very first pay packet, receiving the keys to my home and getting married to the man I love. On the flip side my seizures did not bode well in my life neither did the anxiety that came with it.

Others included the worries of wondering whether friends were in fact friends and the emphasis to be something I blatantly wasn’t was another blunder. I intend to put that down to age and experience.

Overall the insecure Saz you’ve all read about boils down to one word. Worry. Worrying for what exactly? To be liked by everyone perhaps? I know in my heart that being liked by everyone is impossible to achieve. Another thing that ran through my mind was possibly the fear of rejection by the people I thought were popular however looking back at my childhood were all a bunch of nobs pretending they were something they weren’t.

There has been a few occasions where I’ve misinterpreted people’s delay of say not responding to a text, phone call or email as them not liking me and worrying to the point of being unwell. My mates are my mates, I don’t have a great deal of them however know if I need them they’ll be there for me. In times of doubt what I should have done is sit back, wait for their response and accept that they have their own lives to lead hence the delayed response.

The question I now ask myself in bouts of worry is what am I actually worrying about?

If you sit down and think realistically what am I getting myself chewed up about? A seizure’s a seizure it’s horrendous to go through however I know once it’s over I have to get back up and move on. A shake’s a shake I tremble constantly for up to a few hours, I may drop the occasional cup however nothing that cannot be replaced.

Those two scenarios are the many within my life that go through my head when my shakes take place. When the event happened my eyes would be all over the place worrying about my friends, family and work colleagues ensuring that their thoughts weren’t damaged because of my misfortune. Looking back at that stage of my life it’s safe to say that that was bloody stupid.

You can’t eliminate if people feel uncomfortable whilst an Epileptic episode takes place. You just have to ride the storm, focus on you and ensure that you’re safety comes first. If people can’t accept you for you then they’re not worth it. The people who want what’s best for you will stick around, some you may care for may become distant however you know that their support is endless and cannot be replaced.

The other people (you all know who I’m talking about who wouldn’t give you the lickings of a dog) can go fuck themselves as far as I’m concerned. Life is about keeping the people in you’re life who give you that support, who won’t judge you, realise that mistakes are made and move on from it. If they can’t cope with your condition either ask them what their problem is and educate them otherwise show them the door. The remainder aren’t worth it.

It’s taken me over twenty years to accept that but I’m proud to say that I’m in a position where I can. When you have a condition such as Epilepsy you can feel trapped therefore you don’t have time to worry about anything else and that’s not a bad thing. If you worry thereafter then wait till you’re physically well and then talk.

What I keep telling myself in moments of physical weakness is that life is good. Fair enough we all suffer (bar the minority) from financial struggles, job security, worries about our children and questioning what life may have in store however if you accept the now, cross whatever bridge you come to when you come to it and understand that as a person you’re stronger than you could have ever imagined then hopefully that should be an incentive to move forward.

As a child and even bordering into adulthood my gran would say that I was a girl wishing her life away. My gran believed I may have been doing this to remove the insecurity about my condition and that from the books I’d read there was always this possibility that I would grow out of a condition I barely understood till I was older.

I believe that you can dream about what the future may have in store for you however running too quickly can result in you falling down before you’ve even got there. Life is about living and sharing with others the passion you have for life. It’s about making time for family, friends but most importantly yourself.

Anyhow…

This weekend has been an accomplishment. I finally won a bet! Wooooooooooooooooo!! If I could woo all day I would. It was only £25 however can go towards out London trip next month.

The family meal for my Gran’s birthday went extremely well with me devouring a lamb hock with new potatoes and shared an ice cream with my other half. Today has been healthier and my sunday dinner was delightful if I say so myself. The remainder of my meals taste ok.. I’m not an expert yet.

The floral Zara jacket was the bees knees and made an appearance yesterday evening. It was an expensive yet beautiful piece to wear with jeans and a sheer vest top. I adore it and will make it a priority to wear it at least three times this year. As it’s a statement piece (that I hope lasts a bloody long time) then I will not wear it to death.

The exercise is yet to resume however will do as soon as I’m feeling up to scratch. Like the chicken pox I’m chomping at the bit to get started.

The slim-pod on the other hand is also going canny. Listening to a fella saying calmly “You will exercise and eat well” is not only making me drift off but making me want to exercise more.

I’m rather distracted by this gentleman’s sultry voice and envisage that he’s a bit of a dish sitting in his Harley Street office with a suit on looking handsome. Mind you there is the possibility he could be Sloth out the Goonies. I think that’s more realistic.

To conclude today’s post. Memories, no one can ever take them away from you. You cannot erase your past therefore live in the now and see what that has in store for you. Don’t predict what is yet to happen and accept that whatever will be will be. Keep calm and carry on.

I want to make a difference..

“I do not want to pass the time. I want to grab hold of it and leave my mark upon the world” – Libba Bray.

And I’m pig sick of whinging about this cough so I best grab something with both hands.

Good evening all, this evening is a little shorter than my usual ramblings however thought I would write this evening as tomorrow the festivities will begin with me celebrating my grans 82nd birthday.

Grans birthday usually requires my attention throughout therefore I won’t be blogging tomorrow. It’s the only time (bar a couple of hours mid week) where her and I can chat without being interrupted by repeats of Inspector Morse, Poirot or Foyles War.

My mood has been up and down however I realise that if we remained happy all the time then we would be like a pressure cooker. The only comparison is good old Ned Flanders out of the Simpsons. You ever seen the episode when he flips out? Classic.

Well what a day and what a quote.

I think this quote can be summed up into six words. I want to make a difference.

That’s the reason why I started writing this blog. Ignorance is bliss when Epilepsy is involved. A significant amount of people provide you with the reassurance you need to continue with your life however discrimination is rife amongst the people who choose not to understand and that’s a stigma I would love to erase. Having Epilepsy is not necessarily about sympathy it’s about taking notice.

With all situations you’ll always get your “bad eggs” who can’t quite comprehend that the condition you have is actually real therefore pass judgement. To a small minority having a seizure in front of someone is hilarious however the people who are diagnosed with it along with relatives/friends who are associated with someone who is Epileptic don’t quite see it that way and unfortunately cannot join in on the joke.

We may joke amongst ourselves and try to create a little light hearted humour towards Epilepsy however deep down when your condition is at it’s peak there’s this part of you wants to erase it completely from your life because all it does is cause problems.

I’ve always been one who would love to make a difference in someone else’s life because it’s taken me nearly my entire lifetime to help myself. Although there’s obstacles I’m still facing I can see that changes have taken place and that my confidence is more apparent than it ever has. Once I lacked confidence and belief now I’m on the rise.

I choose to be caring about the ones I love, listen to the ones I care for and think that me and negativity in one sentence shouldn’t be friends. Life is too short to sit and ponder sometimes you just have to be you.

If I could help just one person and raise Epilepsy awareness on my twitter feed then at least I’m making a difference to someone. I just wish I’d listened to someone sooner otherwise I would have accepted myself sooner. On the flip side to that the not listening has meant that I’m able to transfer my feelings into this blog to help others should they want it.

What we must acknowledge is that Epilepsy is a condition that we cannot prevent. A condition that tells us that our brain has a sudden burst of electrical energy hence shutting down. Whether you get triggers or not it’s your body’s way of maybe saying that you’ve done too much and that you need to focus on yourself because the brain is responsible for all the functions in our body.

People have said in the past (that I’ve kindly laughed about) is that I have no brain because I usually come out with random things such as ” Is the reason why there’s darkness on Google maps is because it’s dark outside” well not really Saz no.

The list is endless others include “If I take the wallpaper off my wall to reveal bare walls will the rain come through”

Eeee what was I thinking? Children come out with things like that not a 27 year old woman. My dad’s been in stitches ever since I made that statement and he’s never let me live it down.

Anyhow…

We are approaching the end of the football season, my bets have gone tits up week after week and my bank balance will be dwindling within the next two weeks after I’ve forked out a mini fortune treating my husband to birthday presents and a celebratory meal. I suppose he deserves it..

We have recently been informed that we are off to see Woman in Black this month. My mother in law kindly bought my husband theatre tickets therefore off we toddle to see one of the scariest theatrical performances known to man. For those who haven’t seen the film Woman in Black it’s scary as and it’s a 12A. Yep you heard me rightly a 12A and a bloody scary 12A at that.

I was terrified whilst watching and the suspense killed me. My hands were constantly over my face and I was shouting at the TV. At one stage of the film my cup of tea fell onto my pyjama bottoms and not only was I jumpy but burnt also. The aim is to NOT take any drink into the theatre and to pray to god that the woman (who’s rumoured to come into the audience) won’t brush past me or sit in the spare seat at the end of the aisle otherwise I’m outta there.

This weekend is all about having fun and preparing for the week ahead not that it’s going to be interesting one however come Sunday I should hopefully be able to start my exercise regime and let the squat challenge recommence.

Three small sweets have been consumed today however I’ve eaten healthily with my usual cereal, two cups of coffee, a peppermint tea, a sarnie, a spag bol and a muller rice. The Saz snack challenge has veered off course however I’m re-starting the slim pod first thing tomorrow morning before I go out on my Saturday jaunt with my dad.

To conclude today’s post. You can make a difference in the world if you put your heart to it. Excelling in the job you’re in, making a house a home or even talking to someone when they’re feeling low are three examples (to name a few) that can make you feel empowered. I usually find that my interests are shopping, cooking, blogging and talking. It’s safe to say I talk the hind legs off a donkey.

People don’t even realise they’re making a difference unless someone tells you. All it takes is one sentence to make people see.

By writing my emotions down is not only therapeutic but is a reference for me to refer to when I’m not feeling myself. Making a difference is about listening and advising when people are low and need that additional support.

Sometimes people look at the world and see despair, others see bliss. Me I’m that person in between. Accept reality and see how your abilities can change other peoples lives. You may not think you’re strong but you’re probably stronger than what you think.

Simplicity.. What is that exactly?

Cough cough cough. I wish it would just go and take a long jump off a short precipice. The anti biotics are slowly kicking in however today’s coughing bout this lunchtime made me see that this cough and I are going to be fighting one another for some time yet.

Apart from my cough my spirits are high, work is over for the day and I’m quietly relaxing blogging away to you lovely lot with a cup of tea. No cake is being consumed however I must confess I have eaten a slither of swiss roll and four quality street sweets that my colleagues have kindly informed me are the equivalent of 150 calories for four. The swiss roll however was 185. Boo hiss.

Enough said about the eating regime let’s talk about the one thing that although I long to have sometimes doesn’t quite register. Sometimes it seems like it’s taken out of my grasp and I have no control over it.

“Simplicity is not a simple thing”- Charlie Chaplin

I would like to say that I enjoy nothing more than the simple life. The day where I return from work to my cat Benny, sitting on the sofa eating my evening meal with my husband before blogging or even catching the odd TV programme (or two) that I’ve taped the weekend.

That’s the life for me.

People may question why I analyse this typical scenario and ask what I’m making a mountain out of a molehill of. Well let’s just say it wasn’t always that easy, in fact it’s safe to say that opposites attract particularly when a relationship is involved. People put so much emphasis on what they want out of a person. Are they the perfect soul mate? Will they make me laugh? Are they attractive enough? Are they comfortable enough to support me and can they actually hold their own?

When the topic of opposites are mentioned then the list is endless. With me all I’ve ever wanted is someone who could make me laugh. Someone who like me has a relatively good idea what they want out of life and someone who when the going gets tough can support you regardless. It’s safe to say I have that relationship with my husband. He doesn’t just cope with my condition but supports me throughout and understands that Epilepsy isn’t something to cope with alone, we cope with it together.

Like polar opposites I’m chalk, he’s cheese. I say black he says white. To me being too similar to someone can on occasion cause problems because you are in constant competition with one another.

If you’re both vibrant characters then you know the heads are gonna clash however on the opposite side of the spectrum if you’re extremely introverted then there’s no one in the relationship to kickstart the decision making it’s all about the “I’ll do what you want to do” scenario, something I cannot stand and something in the past I’ve fallen into to keep people happy.

The topic tonight is simplicity. Take the adult dilemmas out of the equation such as owning your own home, being in a long term relationship, marriage or having children and what do you have?

Let’s look at you and how simple you’re life is compared to the simple you want your life to be. With me I’d say that I allow the word simple to come into my life about 50% of the time.

The remaining 50% is trying to throw my eggs into one basket and dropping the majority of them whilst doing so. Instead of mosying along without a care in the world that 50% is pre-empting what’s going to happen next. A bit like a thunderstorm, you can see one coming however you’re uncertain whether it is in fact gonna hit. What I should be saying is if shit happens it happens what can I do about it?

Maybe I feel this way because I’ve pre-empted my seizures for so long that I became part of that thunderstorm. In my late teens I had a seizure in the middle of a busy main road. All I remember was walking off the bus shopping bags in hand, crossing the road before then waking up in hospital.

Fortunately my friend was available to save my life and prevent me from getting knocked over by the vehicles approaching me. When I woke in hospital with the people I loved beside me I realised what had just happened.

My medication at the time like everything else was letting me down. My new top was ruined off the gravel from the road and I felt like there was no way up. I had been to so many GP’s appointments that I’d lost track and the waves of worry kept creeping into my mind at every available opportunity. It was safe to say that I didn’t think I could hold down my job and have that simple life everyone in my circle gave the impression they were having.

After that seizure I made a promise to myself that four years later I would actually put into practice. I wanted to help myself because as cliché as they may sound after that seizure I was lucky to be alive therefore the seizure diary was created in which I’d log my seizures, shakes and medication control. Maybe this frightener would not only put the shits up me but would stress the importance of seeking advice.

Throughout this blog I know that I have repeated myself on more than one occasion however believe that it’s best to reiterate what has been written to raise that awareness and to make you all see that having Epilepsy isn’t just about seizures and medical jargon. If you’re anything like me it takes me about 100 attempts to get something right.

My concentration has never been my strongest point however my philosophy now is nobody cares if you’re miserable therefore you might as well be happy because that’s the way to go.

Yesterday evening it dawned on me that for over 18 years of the 20 I’ve had Epilepsy I have wasted part of my thought process on waiting for something to happen that may never happen. For my followers who have aura’s/warning signs then my apologies however what is the point in waiting for something miserable to beckon? Surely we can enjoy ourselves and if the worst happens we have a moan before accepting it then moving on. I wish I listened to my parents saying those words growing up.

Perseverance is key along with patience. At present I keep on educating myself with how seizures are formed, the stages of a seizure and what category I come under. I would recommend that if you are interested in either raising awareness or learning more about your condition then go to your local support group or even going onto Epilepsy support groups online.

Never self diagnose (attempted that in the past) and always go down the appropriate channels to gain the understanding you need to come to terms with your condition because you have to live with it. I have faith in you all, it may take time however I am certain with positivity and support you will eventually get there even though it may seem like a million miles away.

Righty ho… About the remainder of my day. Well nothing much really.

I tripped up the stairs then got half way up and tripped over my gangly feet again. No one was in the way I was just acting like a loon. A few of my friends pass jokes saying that I should be an excellent swimmer because of my feet. I think I’d have to agree I’m a marvellous swimmer and swim with dolphins in my spare time… Oh how I love to joke on.

The cough was incessant, my day dragged and I was overjoyed to have beans on toast for my tea.. Not.

My husband had cheesy beans whilst I had normal beans. The diet hasn’t gone well at all today. I’ve picked like you wouldn’t believe and it’s no excuse. After reading my followers weight loss blogs I’m inspired and need a hoof up the arse to get me going. I intend this evening on having a long soak, listening to my slim pod before watching a new drama on ITV at 9pm.

The promise has remained on not exercising till at least the weekend and overall apart from the nit picking I’m feeling rather chipper actually. Some of the feedback I’ve been receiving since January from you all about my blog has been overwhelming and has given me that boost to continue. Thank you all for your continued support because without you I wouldn’t be able to express my feelings in such a way.

To conclude today’s post. Simplicity. One small word that we all long to have.

If you take a step back and look around you we all that element of simplicity in our lives it just depends on whether you allow yourself to have it. Sometimes situations arise that we cannot prevent however we must take control of our own happiness and learn to love what we have.

If we can’t accept ourselves then how can we be in a position to want others to accept themselves. Learn from your mistakes, resolve any issues you have and allow yourself to move on because no one likes being stuck in one place for too long.

The joys of being heard.

“No matter what comes up in my life I know that this too will pass”

And it better had. I’m onto day seven and getting there.. gradually.

My chest has been throbbing over the past week and yesterday I was at the end of my tether. Talk about frustrated Saz I was feeling more like someone throw a pillow over my head type of Saz. Yesterday like the five days prior was all about feeling sorry for myself. I woke up Tuesday morning getting ready for work having just four hours sleep feeling like a bucket of shit and reaching for my makeup to make me look like I had an ounce of life in me.

It was safe to say that my Asthma had made a U turn for the worst and I refused (as stubborn as I am) after the four month ordeal of increased shaking, chicken pox and now this that I would be defeated. Surely someone out there wanted to listen and help. The people around me have been an absolute godsend however all the will in the world to help me get better was lovely and all however all I wanted was some antibiotics or oral steroids to take away the tightness.

In my mind although I knew rest was required I was adamant that I wasn’t going to take any further time off work for something like this. Silly as that sounds in my eyes I’ve always been someone who’s thought you never know what’s round the corner. It’s a bit like when you save for that rainy day. It’s raining all the time in the UK so no wonder I have no cash!

Joking aside there’s also the feeling that when you have a condition such as Epilepsy you’re on constant alert wondering when the next episode’s going to arrive and how long you’re going to be out for.

I work full time, this income pays the bills and apart from a couple of instances relating to my asthma (well one Asthma and one food poisoning that I did to myself however that’s another story altogether) the remainder of my time off is as a result of my condition when my body’s telling me enough’s enough and I cannot work.

As I’ve gotten a little older and possibly a little wiser I am trying my utmost to rest when I return from work and to take it easy however I would be a liar to say that there wasn’t this part of me that for whatever reason who has to be on the go all of the time. This could possibly be a side effect of my medication however even I’m uncertain on that one.

I’m all for relaxing and encouraging others to relax regularly however there’s this niggly thought in the back of my head urging me to do something else whilst I’m relaxing. It’s like my body and my mind aren’t in sync with one another. It’s like time waits for no man or woman in my case. My body and mind only miraculously come together in times of need, again something I’ve attempted to master as I’ve got older.

I’ve interpreted the quote written above as in waiting for the storm to pass and by gosh there have been a fair few storms in my time ranging from seizures, worries, medication issues and non stop crying. The only solace I seek from storms brewing is the fact that once the storm has gone the skies become clearer and eventually the sun will come out. That particular scenario sums up life in general. When you have a condition sometimes the storms are a little stronger.

As mentioned before you never know what’s round the corner. Now the ultimate question I will ask you all this evening is should we be sensible and save for that rainy day or do we allow ourselves that freedom to do what we like? Is there a middle ground and if so what is it?

My parents particularly my mam has always been one who has played it safe because she was a single parent bringing me up in a home where it was just her and I. As you’e all aware my mam and dad are good friends with him playing a significant role in my life along with other members of my family for support. To me looking back she was reluctant to give herself that freedom that I think she deserved.

Was this because she had a child therefore felt that the decisions she made had an impact on her only daughter? Possibly. Was it a money issue? More than likely however the one thing about my mam that I admire the most is that not only was she a loving mother who worked her socks off to provide for me she also had her head screwed on and was sensible.

Everytime I had a worry or again that niggly feeling she would sit there for hours on end listening, offering advice and bringing me that tub of chocolate ice cream to make me see that even the roughest of storms could be overcome.

My mam and I on the other hand had our fair share of arguments that I feel in mother/daughter relationships are normal. Without arguments the seas would be calm and you wouldn’t have an opinion, you’d just be this sheep like the rest of the herd plodding along singing to everyone else’s tune and to me that isn’t healthy.

I think the apprehension between my mam and I was as a result of a condition (along with teenage issues) that neither of us could control. My mam saw the majority of my seizures and it was effecting her. Having that person to lean on meant more to me than anything. I love my mother with everything I have and are extremely protective of her. Maybe it’s because it was just her and me. Maybe it’s because I want to portray to her that nothing can come between us and that I want to give back what she gave to me as a mother.

The first ten years of having Epilepsy were possibly the hardest and when the seizures returned towards the end of my teens I thought that was it for me. I had officially been tipped over the edge and couldn’t see no storm passing.

My life now in comparison to ten years ago is unrecognisable. Don’t get me wrong there’s still moments in which I question my own authority however when you get to a stage where you question yourself non stop then this is the time to stop. What I would advise you all to do is in moments of weakness look at what you’ve already accomplished and take it all in and write it all down.

For example:

Getting out of bed on a morning, going for a walk, eating healthily and telling yourself that you’re going to have to a fantastic day is a starting point for anyone.

Some people in this world don’t get the opportunity to even think that let alone do it therefore embrace what you have and set yourself that goal. Write down your feelings in a seizure diary and understand that life cannot be that bad. Seek support, advice and help if necessary just whatever you do don’t worry because it only fills up the free time you want to have.

On a lighter note ironically I did manage to make contact with my GP who gave me a week’s course of antibiotics. Apart from getting presents on Christmas day and birthdays I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to receive medication. How crazy is that?

When the GP called and said the words “I will give you some antibiotics to help you” I could have hugged him until the poor sod couldn’t breath. I called my husband immediately urging him to jump back into the car and get my medication. I think I told the whole world in just under an hour of my triumph! No battles had a patch on me. I was officially being heard and it felt so good.

I take medication every day if anything you’d think I’d want to throw it away however only this time I was jumping for joy. I was ecstatic because last night was the first night where I got a FULL (along with my husband) and yes in capital letters FULL night’s sleep without any interference. It was possibly psychological however those antibiotics knocked me out something senseless and I don’t think anything could have woke me up.. not even a sniff of a twirl would have got this northern lass out of bed. If it wasn’t for going to work it would be safe to say that I’d still be there.

From yesterday evening my instructions are to take my tablets three times a day. I have been informed that the antibiotics shouldn’t interfere with my anti-epileptic drugs therefore I’m good to go. My inhalers are to remain doubled up until my chest is strong enough and I’ve made a solemn promise that I won’t exercise till I’ve feeling better. As discussed with one of my twitter pals earlier I’m actually missing my exercise. Did anyone hear that right?

Is this a result of my slimpod encouraging me to exercise? No I’ve genuinely missed it. It’s weird isn’t it? The one thing you’re unable to do/have you want even more? That’s just human nature I suppose.

The healthy eating has been ok. No twirls have been consumed (it’s killing me mind) and I’ve replaced twirls for the one muller rice. Today’s food choices was a bowl of porridge, my usual two cups of coffee, a ham sandwich, a cup a soup, fruit and a homemade mince dinner. I’ve got the 160 figure in my head for the squat challenge to resume therefore I will aim to get back to my best on my return.

To conclude today’s post. To be heard makes us feel like we’re being noticed, like someone’s listening and that hopefully something positive will come from it. Being independent is an asset however being heard about your issues is something that shouldn’t be frowned upon but recognised.

Take the past week for instance. I point blank refused to be let down. Nowadays people feel like it’s the norm to be kicked down however I refuse for that to happen. There’s too many excuses nowadays and unfortunately that isn’t good enough. Walt Disney said a quote once and that was:

“When you believe in a thing believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionably”

The only thing I could add to that is keep going and whatever you do never give up.

Living in my own little world is fine by me.

Before I kick off this evening’s post I intend to bellow at the top of my lungs “Woo hoo!” because the sun is out in full force and makes a change from the usual drab miserable British weather we must all contend with on a bank holiday weekend.

I can start wearing my £4 bright blue pants and flash my flat feet for all to see. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a nightmare.

As you are probably all aware my twitter timeline is me whinging about having a wheezy chest. Although the seasons are changing they don’t half cause havoc on your chest and can leave you feeling blue.

The wheeze is officially lingering, my chest is rattling and the small layer of skin on top of my chest is so sensitive that it’s quite sore to the touch. The pharmacists (I appreciate they’re only doing their job) are reluctant to provide me with an over the counter remedy for chesty coughs because of my asthma and have recommended a honey and lemon glycerine to soothe sore throats and coughs. It’s the mankiest tasting syrup I’ve taken outside of penicillin and is definitely not worth £3.49!

A question for any of you asthmatics out there.

Courtesy of Asthma UK (an excellent source of information) One in every five British households have asthma or are diagnosed with Asthma in their lifetime. What I’ve personally noticed is that the medical profession are very quick to advise you the consumer to spend your hard earned cash on products such as Lemsips, medicines for coughs and colds among many others on the market when you’re feeling run down.

Apart from Vicks vapour rub to help relieve congestion when you sleep there’s absolutely nothing out there nowadays that you can take when you’re asthmatic and as soon as you use the word “Epileptic” then you get sweet F A. There’s been many a time where I’ve gone against the grain and taken a lemsip regardless however now I’m a lot more aware of what I should be taking.

A cold can hit the healthiest person however when you have asthma the cold aims straight for your chest and stays there for about a month tops unless you have a nebuliser, are given oral steroids or an additional steroid inhaler to help tightness. Surely some clever high paid business man can create an over the counter remedy for us Asthmatics without having to quadruple our inhaler dosage and having to wait a decade for a doctors appointment for oral steroids.

As recommended by the pharmacist I intend to take my lemon bottle of bumph in conjunction with paracetemol every four hours in between to prevent aches and pains. The doctor’s are a pain in the arse with me not being able to get an appointment for love nor money and the walk in giving me the impression that there’s nothing the matter with me. The words to best describe this scenario. A waste of time.

Anyhow before the power rant goes into another category altogether I best start off this evening’s post properly with a quote:

“I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here”- Lauren Myracle

And I do live in my own little world mind.

As I’m getting older my blonde moments are getting more frequent. Although I was born blonde at birth and visit the hairdressers for blonde highlights every quarter there’s a new shade of silly blonde shining through.

I read this quote earlier this evening before leaving the house en route to my in laws for our three course feast and it touched me because there are people in this world that think that by living in your own little world is strange and that you’re secluding others from entering it.

To a degree that’s true however there’s nothing the matter with socialising with others then returning home to your comfort zone and entering a place where you’re detached from the problematic society we live in, take a deep breath and relax with the people you love.

When I was younger I had a tendency of divulging too much of my life to others and by extension worrying at the thought that people either couldn’t understand me or thought I was stupid. What I should have said is bollocks I don’t care what you think however when you’re younger you don’t think like that. When it came to my condition however there was this part of me that couldn’t explain what I was feeling and how Epilepsy had engulfed my life. It was like the words were jumbled and came out incorrectly.

I couldn’t eradicate the problem of feeling alone and entering a world of medication, seizures and fear. I was eight years old and didn’t want the hassle of having something that felt like an adult situation on my shoulders. I didn’t want to be the cause of my parent’s worry and I just wanted to live a normal life like any other eight year old. I didn’t want to have to second guess my life because the stress of having a seizure was on my mind 24-7.

Nowadays I do live in my own little world and to me it’s normal.

When I entered therapy for a second time Bob gave me an insight into his analysis of me advising me that I’d hidden behind my condition for far too long and had lost my own identity in the process. This was all because I was so scared that my condition would get the better of me and force me to drive everyone away because of my insecurity with my condition.

In his eyes I was a healthy young woman with the determination to get by. He could see I wanted that inner peace with myself and gave me the tools to do the job, I just had to face up to it and that was the hardest thing. When you’re stuck in a rut for so long it’s hard to get out of it isn’t it? And I was no different.

I’ve established that when you’re younger all you want to do is fit in, growing up is about identifying who you are and where you stand in the world. You use your relatives to guide you in the right direction and to alleviate any stress you may have and do what you can to get by. As an adult your priorities change.

You’re focus isn’t about fitting in it’s about supporting yourself and your family. It’s about keeping a roof over their head and ensuring that should the worst happen that they will be cared for.

So what I live in a little world. I may not have all the friends in the world however I have my little life of stability and happiness. Is having everything in the world make you any more popular? By having everything does it make you are a better person? I’ll leave you to answer those questions.

There’s nothing really to report on the healthy eating challenge in fact the healthy eating has gone out the window for today. I blame the minor sore throat and dodgy chest however I promise there will be no more blame mongering in the future. I am responsible for my own actions.

Today’s food diary has consisted of a bowl of shreddies with a cup of coffee and fresh orange juice (canny healthy), however it all fell at the waist side when I was drawn into Dickens for a large saveloy sandwich. An ice cream was devoured and washed down with a flavoured water. My mother in law made a chicken dinner (again not bad) however as soon as the shortbread biscuits came out I had to have the one.

I promise tomorrow I’ll be eating healthier as the food’s prepared for tomorrow’s return to work. No chocolate is included and I only have a muller rice as my sweet snack. The squat challenge has remained on the back burner until the chest heals and I can exercise fully again once the tightness has subsided. As for the slim pod I’ve listened to that only the once and intend on listening to that again as soon as I’m feeling better- Seemingly the results are fabulous.

To conclude today’s post. Be who you want to be. Live your life the way you want to live it and if people don’t like it then tough. Be sensible however choose what makes you happy and if you fancy write about it so you can relive your happiness everytime you’re feeling down. Patience is a virtue and when you have a condition you need to have all the patience in the world. Life is about making plans and trying to be at peace with yourself.

We all have moments of weakness to which some don’t understand however the day we address that weakness is the day where our problems are halved and we are on the small road to recovery. As the sun has officially come out it’s about time we stopped moping about got our summer gere on and had a good time because that’s what life’s all about.

She’s just a sickly child.. Well adult now!

Talk about an interesting 24 hours.

Clothes have been purchased that’s not to mention the copious amounts of coffee drank.

After yesterday’s football results I can officially say that I’m the worst female gambler in the world. As for my chest that’s felt tighter than any pair of skinny jeans I’ve tried on in the past. Let’s just say I’ve had an adventurous weekend so far. Thank god we have Monday off. On a lighter note hope you’re all having a relaxing bank holiday weekend.

“You’re never a loser until you quit trying”- Mike Ditka

And I refuse to quit trying particularly when my health’s involved.

The quote above is courtesy of twitter account Motivational Quotes and one I find to be rather motivational indeed.

Earlier on in the year I wrote about winning and losing and asking you whether it was the same thing? To me winning is about knowing in your heart that you’ve done your hardest and got the outcome you deserve. Losing on the other hand isn’t something to be frowned at.

In my personal opinion losing is about portraying to yourself and others that you have worked to the best of your ability however at this moment in time it’s not meant to be therefore you review the situation, evaluate the problem and give it another go. At the end of the day you’ve tried your hardest so never beat yourself up about it because it isn’t worth the stress and definitely not worth jeopardising your health for.

A set of people I love and value the opinion of are my in laws. Like my family their endless support gives me the motivation to continue and their advice is something I treasure. I can’t recall whether I’ve told you all this previously however my mother in law believes that your life is already mapped out for you somewhere and that whatever will be will be. I think similarly to her however feel that there’s always the improvement to change the direction of the map.

If the shit hits the fan one day and you find yourself in a situation you cannot prevent then you have to go back to the drawing board and decide what’s best for you and how this plan is going to make you life better and happier. Unfortunately we would all like to be millionaires however unless luck comes our way then that isn’t gonna happen anytime soon. In fact there’s more a chance of the pope knocking on my front door than me winning the lottery.

Money helps situations and takes the financial burden from families however if you’re insecure about something then you have to address that issue before moving onto the next. Money isn’t going to erase the problem therefore as my nana would say we must make do and mend.

Growing up was something that I’ll treasure because my parents brought me up in a way where although advice was given I was left to draw my own conclusion.

My parents and grandparents took me to restaurants at an early age and to improve my confidence would promote interaction with others leaving me to ask for simple things such as ordering my own meal, asking for the bill and paying the waiter with their money. It seems rather odd when you tell people these things however my confidence lacked when I was diagnosed and it was their way of getting a fragment of that back.

Thanks to them it gave me the confidence to eventually want to help myself, to stand up in a crowd and voice my opinion when necessary. Having a condition such as Epilepsy drains your energy at times and forces you to become introverted. Although I had my moments I wanted to be someone who was vivacious yet sensible and someone who was proud of her condition when asked.

Although it took time to get there the day did arrive when I was approximately 24 when I did say yes I’m proud and if you don’t like it then that’s your problem.

Ask yourself these questions. Is there anything you would like to change about yourself? Do you sometimes feel that society puts too much stress on you to be someone you’re not and if you do have a condition are you afraid to tell others what you endure?

My advice would be (and I know I don’t live in your shoes) is that life is about living and seizing the moment within reason. I’ve said this since I started writing Sazzle’s blog however feel that every now and again assurance is required.

Like the other day when I wrote about my fashion tantrum no-one was there to yank me out of that troublesome state therefore the emotions manifested into anger that it should never have done. What I should have done is prepare and have this careless frame of mind to prevent me from making an absolute tit of myself.

I appreciate now that we all make mistakes (that one included) and that we must address the issue and move on. The same applies with my Epilepsy I have to look at each shaky bout and think that it’ll pass and before long I’ll be feeling normal again.

This weekend so far has outshone the ones I’ve written about so far, apart from the Jazz café disaster that was a close second.

Yesterday was all about Dad and Saz day. My mother joined in for a coffee and a power rant at my father for not eating enough and taking dieting too seriously however we had a laugh and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Since Thursday my chest has been giving me jip. Not only do I have Epilepsy to contend with but have Asthma also. The usual course of treatment are inhalers and in the worst case scenario a week’s course of steroids to loosen the tightness from my chest.

I was diagnosed with Asthma about the age of two and have taken inhalers ever since. At one stage the A&E staff knew my parent’s names off by heart with me being a regular visitor for nebulisers, saline drips and a course of magic medicine. If it wasn’t the seizures then the Asthma would strike and did so till my early teens.

Ever since I was a child my dad would use the expression.

“Saz I love you poppet but you’re such a sickly child” Cheers Dad, nice to know you love me. Ha!

Looking back that statement is quite ironic because over the past few months all I’ve done is shake, get chicken pox, have migraines and wheezy chests. My bedside drawer has so much medication in it I could create my own Pharmacy!

As the years have progressed my chest has got worse. Exercise is bearable however does require a longer rest period. The doctors are aware of the situation and are monitoring it closely.

In January 2013 I had a viral infection with my chest being the worst attacked. I had a flu jab and my arm came up like a pudding all red and swollen. The wheezing shortly followed.

Initially the tightness was manageable therefore I ignored advice, travelled to work and doubled up on my inhalers. Unfortunately the tightness got to a stage where the inhalers didn’t work therefore I had to request a course of steroids to loosen the problem. Since then there’s been no real chest dilemma’s till now..

Yesterday afternoon my chest was so sore I felt hot inside and warm to the touch. My body was aching and I knew the good old influenza was on it’s way. My mam lately has had a chest infection so I knew I would be in her path to recovery and get it regardless. Usually I’d joke with her calling her all the names under the sun for giving me her cold however as she recently purchased a pair of bright blue trousers for my on Friday night (A bargain £4 H&M) I decided to let her off!

This chest problem is so uncomfortable.

I tried all the home remedies under the sun. I attempted to buy cough syrup for chesty coughs however was refused from Boots because I’m asthmatic. I’ve tried vicks vapour rub, inhaling steam, cold compress on the head, warm towel on the chest, lemon & ginger tea (that tasted like a sweaty sandshoe) and that’s just five to name a few.

As I was only getting four hours sleep a night and after not being able to get a doctors appointment till next Thursday I decided to give the NHS helpline a call to seek further advice to enable me to get my usual seven hours.

After answering an array of questions I was told that an ambulance would be on it’s way to give me the once over. Eh? Is someone joking me? I couldn’t believe it. An ambulance? Really? I only had a bad chest, I didn’t want the cavalry at my front door. I felt a fraud, surely ambulances were for people with worse problems than me, I mean I only called for some advice!!

Before I knew it an ambulance was at my door checking me over and asking if I’d like to be accompanied to A&E, alternatively I could go to my local walk in centre for a further check up. I looked a right mess! Pyjama bottoms on, vest top on, hair sticking to my head and Vicks vapour rub all over me. The paramedics were absolutely phenomenal and made me feel at ease. Apart from the heart check where their little heart suckers kept on sliding off my Vicks vapour chest the check went rather smoothly.

Then onto the second hurdle. The walk in centre for a potential steroid remedy. After waiting 80 minutes I managed to see a nurse. The symptoms were explained, a further check over was completed only to be told that I would be getting… zilch. Bugger all… Jiggly squat!

For Pete’s sake man! No antibiotics, no steroids just advice on trebling up my inhalers and not over exuding myself. All that for advice! Blast! Anyhow I returned home half asleep, crawled into bed and slept away.

Today my chest is sore however I’m taking the nurse’s advice taking my inhalers and doing tasks little and often. I’ve decided that my middle name should be sick note. After all’s said and done life has to continue and if I’m gonna be unwell I might as well poke fun at myself in the process and laugh about it even though I’m sore, tired and bloody starving.

My health may be on the low side however my healthy eating is on the up. No chocolate for me yesterday just a muller rice. The hubby made tea last night (again I could get used to this) and the TV wasn’t too bad. The squat challenge has been postponed for the time being however I’m on 160 now so my ass should be like a firm peach in no time.. or so I hope?!

To conclude today’s post. To cut long story short we have to take the rough with the smooth, we have to understand that we’re only human and that the past needs to be left well alone. You are made to make every difference so embrace every opportunity to do so.

Why do the smaller things upset me more than the bigger ones?

Panicking. Really? Over an item of clothing? Come on Saz give your head a shake!

Those were the very words I was saying to myself before making my way to my Auntie’s pub for the pub’s relaunch. Give me big things like the shakes and the stress is manageable. Give me the task to choose an outfit or bake a cake then then you’ve got a problem unless I’m organised.

Before I get into the whole fashion drama let’s start off the day with a quote:

“Fashion as king is sometimes a stupid ruler”- E T Bell.

Too true. That quote explains what I intend to document in this post beautifully.

Sometimes your mind can run away with you and you can put so much pressure on yourself to be something you aren’t that you lose your identity completely for a split second. Don’t get me wrong people can dream and aspire to have more however if the money isn’t available then unfortunately you have to bite the bullet and make do with what you have. That philosophy went straight out the window yesterday and I became someone who behaved stupidly and made a complete tit of herself in front of herself.

People may wonder what fashion has to do with coping with Epilepsy however let me elaborate the best way I can.

Since the age of 16 when I had my first job I’ve build a wardrobe of vintage pieces, contemporary pieces and your usual pull on clothes that you wear over the weekend to run errands and basically lounge around in.

Fashion to me is a hobby, an expensive hobby at that. I have a drawer of accessories I’ve purchased over the years that I refuse to throw away. I get great satisfaction buying for myself and others and are like a kid in a sweet shop when Christmas arrives. I’m not a lover of fashion labels however do like to wear clothes that fit my shape and make me feel like a woman.
To me experimenting with fashion and makeup can reflect your personality and boost your mood.

For example; Someone with an eccentric personality may opt for brights whereas the more conserved individual may opt for something a little less garish. The female members of my family have shown me that clothes aren’t just about your usual black trousers, shirt and flat shoes. Fashion can be propelled into another place.

Whatever the mood I like to reflect my personality with something that makes me feel good. That’s usually a pair of straight or bootcut jeans (like most people I live in my jeans) a colourful top or a white shirt, a chunky necklace and brogues.

Once my bills are paid if there’s spare cash in my bank account I’m at the shops spending the little money I have on cosmetics, skincare, clothes and a nice cuppa at one of the standardised coffee chains such as Costa or Starbucks. I’m usually rather sensible with money however have had my erratic moments where I’ve had to have everything yesterday.

The big question was what do I wear to go to this function? The event was where family and friends could be united for a quick bite to eat, a drink and a dance. I wanted an outfit that would uplift me because I wanted to look good, feel good and ooze confidence. I didn’t want to look dowdy and just wear the same old same old to every event.

Although I woke up early yesterday I managed to get all my chores done before I met the family. The cleaning was done, food was prepared and I managed to get my exercise completed before 9am. I had all morning to prepare however for some strange reason anxiety came over me and I lost all focus. I didn’t know what to wear and I was like a mad woman possessed.

For anyone walking into my wardrobe they’d probably say “What the hell are you talking about, there’s plenty of clothes in there” however for someone who who’s been there and worn it it just looked like one complete mess. Clothes were all over the floor, tears were shed and I didn’t know why.

How bloody stupid was I? I looked in the mirror at myself, mascara running down my face and magnified the situation like I’d do when I had a shake or a seizure. I looked at myself in the mirror and got myself all upset. This was all because I couldn’t choose an outfit for an event. WTF? What I wanted to say to myself was:

“Get a fucking grip, choose an outfit and get on with your day before you make yourself ill”

I phoned my mother in tears before being assured that there was never a problem we couldn’t solve and that tomorrow evening we could go out and have a chat about it.

I’ve never got myself worried over an outfit before so why was I starting now? Was it because I was feeling a little shaky the night before and this was the icing on the cake? Heaven knows, all I knew was that I was acting like a spoilt brat chucking her toys out the pram because she couldn’t get what she wanted.

I was behaving like child. I absolutely detest people who behave in that manner throwing a hissy fit because they don’t get what they want and people just cave in to it. Why can’t they just be told that they can’t behave that way and that there’s people in the world who are destitute and are lucky to have a life let alone worrying about having the latest gadget.

When I was younger there was many occasion where money was scarce and unfortunately my parents couldn’t afford to get me the latest fad. The one thing I do remember however is that they made it a priority to give give me a detailed explanation as to why I couldn’t have something and didn’t just say “Because you can’t” everytime I’d ask. Usually the answer was because Santa’s coming or because Mammy hasn’t been paid yet. Once you get that answer you shut up and leave it well alone.

When it came to my condition it would worry me but would never freak me out to the point where I’d constantly misbehave. People would say to me why do you fret over the smallest things but you don’t worry as much about your Epilepsy? Back then I didn’t have an answer. Now I know exactly what that answer is. The difference between having Epilepsy and other things is that I cannot prevent my Epilepsy however can prevent the smaller things.

Growing up with a condition did stress me however fitting in was more stressful than having the condition. All I wanted was friends and people my age to listen however I was so afraid that by telling people what I had would result in me scaring them off therefore I wanted to distract them by wearing something unique along with making them laugh. Is this the reason why I flew off the handle yesterday? Is it my childhood behaviour making an appearance?

Ask yourselves these questions. What infuriates you? How do you behave and how do you regain focus? I noticed yesterday that I was acting ridiculous and this was outside of my personality completely.

In the end I managed to pick an outfit, have a superb time with family, let my hair down and have a couple of drinks. The night was a roaring success and when I returned home I sat down with a cuppa and reflected on today’s events. I can safely say that I will never ever behave like that again over an outfit.

The Sazzle snack challenge is well underway with me eating healthier and exercising when I can. Although I’m exercising and maintaining my promise to do the squat challenge my heart’s not really into exercise and I need a good hoof up the tush to get me going therefore I did the inevitable. Let me explain.

I cannot stand the adverts on TV early morning, it really gets on my wick. The adverts on TV are usually from Guthy Ranker asking you to buy the latest fads such as a steam mop, an exercise DVD, a hair remover or a ball scratcher. Maybe not a ball scratcher but something to that effect anyway. Whilst watching at 6am I keep on thinking which dumb arse today is going to fall for that fad?

Eeee… Well I never thought I’d say it but I am officially that dumb arse.

For those twitter followers I managed to speak to yesterday I informed them that I bought a slimpod. Now this slimpod is at present on offer till 31st May and worth a fiver (usually £30) from a site called thinking slimmer. The slimpod has been created by Harley Street specialists to promote a healthier lifestyle.

This slimpod is a CD/MP3 that is supposed to train your mind to think differently about chocolate and exercise. I’m awaiting it’s arrival. I’ve also purchased a nail treatment called Renovate by British nail technician and extraordinaire Leighton Denny. The treatment is absolutely marvellous and is preventing any further nail splittage.

To conclude today’s post. Try your utmost to not let the smaller things get to you. So what you don’t have what you want right now. Do any of us have everything we want?

Although you feel on occasion that you want to tear your hair out because something isn’t going your way sit back, grab a glass of water and look at the bigger picture. Something so trivial isn’t worth your tears. Look at the positive parts of your life and home in on them when you’re feeling blue instead of over analysing. Look at what you’ve accomplished so far and praise yourself for it. As William Makepeace Thackeray said once:

“Bravery never goes out of fashion”

So you haven’t got the latest item of clothing. What’s more important part time materialistic happiness or being brave in situations? What you have to keep telling yourself is that you’re brave. Everytime you achieve what you want to achieve that’s when you should be feeling at your highest. Never let anyone else tell you differently.

TV programmes, shakes and knowing who we are.

Before I go into quote mode let’s say a nip and a punch for the first day of the month. I can’t believe it’s May already. Where on earth has this year gone?

“The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you”- Stephanie Perkins.

The quote above came through on my phone just now and made me want to blog straight away. Courtesy of book quotes this quote got me racking my brains as to who we are and what we want. Never in life has anything been perfect. Things may seem easier now however somewhere in life there will always be that stumbling block in which you sit there, analyse yourself and wonder if you can change any wrongdoings in your life.

You’ll always have somebody who’s richer than you who’s got problems, that’s poorer than you aspiring to be the rich person and then there’s the person who is happy with their lot. What you see on the outside isn’t necessarily what’s happening on the inside.

Everyone has a journey or a story to share. Me I’d say for a very long time I allowed myself to want what others wanted. What I wanted was irrelevant. I didn’t know what I wanted, in fact I don’t even think I knew who I was probably until a few years ago when certain chapters of my life started falling into place. I wasn’t just an Epileptic I was Saz a young woman who wanted to have a long and fulfilling life.

Whilst writing this blog I have touched on subjects extremely close to my heart and possibly shared topics on here that made me question myself. To touch on subjects such as dating, medication, worries, actual seizures and shaking is required to get the point across. The other day the topic was music, today it’s TV.

When I was younger one of my favourite TV shows was American series Quantum Leap featuring Scott Bakula as the infamous Sam Beckett travelling through time putting right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home. As you can see there I pretty much recited that verse every time a new episode came on.

Every Thursday night I would turn on my little 14 inch tv sit in my bedroom (usually with a bar of chocolate and a glass of pop) and sit on my bed eyes glued to the TV, occasionally burning my feet on the radiator and getting irate at anyone who disturbed my drifting. I was mesmerised at Quantum leap and would eagerly await the next episode come the following Thursday where yet again I’d sit in the same spot waiting for the theme tune to come on. Mind you I was only 10 years old, my seizures were in full swing and like music the idea of going to another place excited me.

Times were simple in the late eighties/early nineties. Don’t get me wrong there was still this sense of anguish and upset in the world however sports were promoted instead of playing on computer games and watching a TV series such as Quantum leap was far more interesting than watching some of the rubbish on TV today.

Compared to today’s computer graphics and far fetched storylines the concept of someone going back in time made me wonder if I could do the same.The hope of one day someone such as Sam Beckett coming into Sazzle’s life removing the Epilepsy from my brain along with removing any shred of doubt from my mind was something I could have only dreamt of. At the time there were moments where I honestly thought if someone could do that not only would I be cured but I would be eternally grateful.

Watching episodes of Quantum leap were not only enjoyable but educational as well. Storylines were created to educate people who didn’t particularly like grabbing a history book from school or were prepared to sit with their teacher and learn about their history. Fortunately once of my interests is History so to see that history come alive on a TV series was something where I could watch and say “I knew that happened” and be happy about it.

Today whilst chatting with my dad my Epilepsy was discussed and I was telling him of my shake increase over the past few months. Shaking to me is something I’ve grown into. Shaking to me is a way of life, it’s like eating your breakfast on a morning before you go to work or take the children to school.

The difference between eating your breakfast and shaking is that your breakfast tastes good and is the fuel you need to keep your body going. The shakes leave a bitter aftertaste in your mouth from time to time. The difference With your shakes is that you know it’s part of your life, you know it’s there however you know they’ll never be as nice as that Bacon buttie.

What I have never been able to comprehend is why my shakes have different levels of severity. As mentioned in earlier posts my shakes come in four stages and unfortunately you take whatever card’s dealt to you and you have to get on with it. After consulting with my GP last month tremors/shakes are within the top ten side effects of anti-epileptic drugs mine included.

You can get a plethora of side effects with anti-epileptic drugs ranging from headaches, tiredness, demotivation, weight gain, paranoia and tremors to name a few. I would probably say minus the weight gain I’ve had the remainder at some stage and it ain’t pretty. The one comfort you have from your medication is that it can manage your seizure control and prevent them being as frequent. Medication (although a bugger to take) can put your mind at rest allowing you to sustain that positivity.

The downside being that in my case is that I get absolutely no warning when a shake/seizure arrives. It’s just there and it does what it likes and today after work was no different.

My husband decided to treat me to my tea after work at a local pub. A small steak and Guinness pie with vegetables went down a storm. I didn’t opt for a twirl today and stuck to vegetables for my lunch.

As I was so tired this morning that I quite liked the idea of “Coffee on a drip” and had about three over the course of the day. The squat challenge has been postponed this evening because of my tiredness however will resume first thing tomorrow morning before my family gathering later on.

Shortly after returning home I had a mini shake that required a cold glass of water, two headache tablets and a quick lie down on the sofa. The mini shake didn’t scare me at all, in fact it felt like it could have been greater than what it was. Throughout the twenty minute shaky bout I looked at the TV, focused on my latest episode of Catfish that I’m addicted to and just lay there wondering when it’d be over.

I knew in my mind that it’d pass and that whatever the outcome I’d be ok because I’ve had numerous shakes before.

What’s the point in sulking, what does sulking achieve? Sulking just makes you feel worse, it makes you feel down and considering I’m now off work till next Tuesday there’s no way I’m going to let my shakes get the better of me. After all my mind is too silly to remain dormant. What’s the point in writing a blog to motivate others when I can’t be arsed to motivate myself? That would defeat the object altogether. I know my demotivation cannot be helped because of my medication however sometimes life’s about breaking barriers and putting yourself out there.

A couple of questions for you all. Do any of you have any shaky moments? What do you think causes it? Do the shakes frustrate you or are you now at a level where you’ve been there, done that and worn the T Shirt therefore can cope with what the shakes bring?

One thing I’ve learned is that fighting the shakes make them worse. The shakes are like a quick bout of the flu that repeatedly returns when you’re body has a smidge of exhaustion. People try their hardest to take all sorts of remedies and counter medications to erase that flu ASAP. People programme their mind to think that these drugs are working however it’s all psychological.

The drugs may remove the pain and discomfort however don’t remove the cold entirely. Your body will make the decision as to when that cold’s going. The same applies with the shakes. Worrying gets you nowhere as does taking a load of herbal remedies that cost a bloody fortune and do absolutely nothing.

This evening wasn’t all bad. The shakes have now gone, I’m feeling a little sleepy however quite chilled and as days go by I’m slowly coming to terms that my body will do what it wants to do.

To conclude today’s post. Aristotle said a quote once that hit the nail on the head. That quote was Happiness depends on ourselves. Unfortunately there will be times where you feel like you’re hitting a brick wall or life is too unbearable however life is unbearable if you allow it to be.

Seizures are something that you cannot control however your attitude is something you can. No one likes to be convulsing on a regular basis or having those flurries of negativity however life isn’t about being negative and looking to point blame elsewhere.

Life is to be lived, it’s to be around the people we love and to make memories that last a lifetime because without those memories then what do we have? I just thought of a sentence to sum up this evenings post and the outlook we should have on life.

Live it, breathe it, own it, love it. That’s what life’s all about.