The joys of being heard.

“No matter what comes up in my life I know that this too will pass”

And it better had. I’m onto day seven and getting there.. gradually.

My chest has been throbbing over the past week and yesterday I was at the end of my tether. Talk about frustrated Saz I was feeling more like someone throw a pillow over my head type of Saz. Yesterday like the five days prior was all about feeling sorry for myself. I woke up Tuesday morning getting ready for work having just four hours sleep feeling like a bucket of shit and reaching for my makeup to make me look like I had an ounce of life in me.

It was safe to say that my Asthma had made a U turn for the worst and I refused (as stubborn as I am) after the four month ordeal of increased shaking, chicken pox and now this that I would be defeated. Surely someone out there wanted to listen and help. The people around me have been an absolute godsend however all the will in the world to help me get better was lovely and all however all I wanted was some antibiotics or oral steroids to take away the tightness.

In my mind although I knew rest was required I was adamant that I wasn’t going to take any further time off work for something like this. Silly as that sounds in my eyes I’ve always been someone who’s thought you never know what’s round the corner. It’s a bit like when you save for that rainy day. It’s raining all the time in the UK so no wonder I have no cash!

Joking aside there’s also the feeling that when you have a condition such as Epilepsy you’re on constant alert wondering when the next episode’s going to arrive and how long you’re going to be out for.

I work full time, this income pays the bills and apart from a couple of instances relating to my asthma (well one Asthma and one food poisoning that I did to myself however that’s another story altogether) the remainder of my time off is as a result of my condition when my body’s telling me enough’s enough and I cannot work.

As I’ve gotten a little older and possibly a little wiser I am trying my utmost to rest when I return from work and to take it easy however I would be a liar to say that there wasn’t this part of me that for whatever reason who has to be on the go all of the time. This could possibly be a side effect of my medication however even I’m uncertain on that one.

I’m all for relaxing and encouraging others to relax regularly however there’s this niggly thought in the back of my head urging me to do something else whilst I’m relaxing. It’s like my body and my mind aren’t in sync with one another. It’s like time waits for no man or woman in my case. My body and mind only miraculously come together in times of need, again something I’ve attempted to master as I’ve got older.

I’ve interpreted the quote written above as in waiting for the storm to pass and by gosh there have been a fair few storms in my time ranging from seizures, worries, medication issues and non stop crying. The only solace I seek from storms brewing is the fact that once the storm has gone the skies become clearer and eventually the sun will come out. That particular scenario sums up life in general. When you have a condition sometimes the storms are a little stronger.

As mentioned before you never know what’s round the corner. Now the ultimate question I will ask you all this evening is should we be sensible and save for that rainy day or do we allow ourselves that freedom to do what we like? Is there a middle ground and if so what is it?

My parents particularly my mam has always been one who has played it safe because she was a single parent bringing me up in a home where it was just her and I. As you’e all aware my mam and dad are good friends with him playing a significant role in my life along with other members of my family for support. To me looking back she was reluctant to give herself that freedom that I think she deserved.

Was this because she had a child therefore felt that the decisions she made had an impact on her only daughter? Possibly. Was it a money issue? More than likely however the one thing about my mam that I admire the most is that not only was she a loving mother who worked her socks off to provide for me she also had her head screwed on and was sensible.

Everytime I had a worry or again that niggly feeling she would sit there for hours on end listening, offering advice and bringing me that tub of chocolate ice cream to make me see that even the roughest of storms could be overcome.

My mam and I on the other hand had our fair share of arguments that I feel in mother/daughter relationships are normal. Without arguments the seas would be calm and you wouldn’t have an opinion, you’d just be this sheep like the rest of the herd plodding along singing to everyone else’s tune and to me that isn’t healthy.

I think the apprehension between my mam and I was as a result of a condition (along with teenage issues) that neither of us could control. My mam saw the majority of my seizures and it was effecting her. Having that person to lean on meant more to me than anything. I love my mother with everything I have and are extremely protective of her. Maybe it’s because it was just her and me. Maybe it’s because I want to portray to her that nothing can come between us and that I want to give back what she gave to me as a mother.

The first ten years of having Epilepsy were possibly the hardest and when the seizures returned towards the end of my teens I thought that was it for me. I had officially been tipped over the edge and couldn’t see no storm passing.

My life now in comparison to ten years ago is unrecognisable. Don’t get me wrong there’s still moments in which I question my own authority however when you get to a stage where you question yourself non stop then this is the time to stop. What I would advise you all to do is in moments of weakness look at what you’ve already accomplished and take it all in and write it all down.

For example:

Getting out of bed on a morning, going for a walk, eating healthily and telling yourself that you’re going to have to a fantastic day is a starting point for anyone.

Some people in this world don’t get the opportunity to even think that let alone do it therefore embrace what you have and set yourself that goal. Write down your feelings in a seizure diary and understand that life cannot be that bad. Seek support, advice and help if necessary just whatever you do don’t worry because it only fills up the free time you want to have.

On a lighter note ironically I did manage to make contact with my GP who gave me a week’s course of antibiotics. Apart from getting presents on Christmas day and birthdays I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to receive medication. How crazy is that?

When the GP called and said the words “I will give you some antibiotics to help you” I could have hugged him until the poor sod couldn’t breath. I called my husband immediately urging him to jump back into the car and get my medication. I think I told the whole world in just under an hour of my triumph! No battles had a patch on me. I was officially being heard and it felt so good.

I take medication every day if anything you’d think I’d want to throw it away however only this time I was jumping for joy. I was ecstatic because last night was the first night where I got a FULL (along with my husband) and yes in capital letters FULL night’s sleep without any interference. It was possibly psychological however those antibiotics knocked me out something senseless and I don’t think anything could have woke me up.. not even a sniff of a twirl would have got this northern lass out of bed. If it wasn’t for going to work it would be safe to say that I’d still be there.

From yesterday evening my instructions are to take my tablets three times a day. I have been informed that the antibiotics shouldn’t interfere with my anti-epileptic drugs therefore I’m good to go. My inhalers are to remain doubled up until my chest is strong enough and I’ve made a solemn promise that I won’t exercise till I’ve feeling better. As discussed with one of my twitter pals earlier I’m actually missing my exercise. Did anyone hear that right?

Is this a result of my slimpod encouraging me to exercise? No I’ve genuinely missed it. It’s weird isn’t it? The one thing you’re unable to do/have you want even more? That’s just human nature I suppose.

The healthy eating has been ok. No twirls have been consumed (it’s killing me mind) and I’ve replaced twirls for the one muller rice. Today’s food choices was a bowl of porridge, my usual two cups of coffee, a ham sandwich, a cup a soup, fruit and a homemade mince dinner. I’ve got the 160 figure in my head for the squat challenge to resume therefore I will aim to get back to my best on my return.

To conclude today’s post. To be heard makes us feel like we’re being noticed, like someone’s listening and that hopefully something positive will come from it. Being independent is an asset however being heard about your issues is something that shouldn’t be frowned upon but recognised.

Take the past week for instance. I point blank refused to be let down. Nowadays people feel like it’s the norm to be kicked down however I refuse for that to happen. There’s too many excuses nowadays and unfortunately that isn’t good enough. Walt Disney said a quote once and that was:

“When you believe in a thing believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionably”

The only thing I could add to that is keep going and whatever you do never give up.