It’s all about the chocolates.

Happy Easter everyone. The festivities are well underway and I thought I would get this post complete before the husband and I have a jaunt to the local pub for a Guinness. The past 24 hours have been a mixed bag of laughs, laughs and more laughs.

Before we go any further I have to rattle off another motivational quote that I read this morning:

“It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret”- Jackie Joyner-Kersee

Well said Jackie.

This Easter got me thinking about looking back and the regrets one faced whilst growing up. We all have a past a lot we wish to forget. There is a good few acquaintances over the years who have said “In my life I’ve had no regrets”

Immediately the response in my head is really? Are you joking or are you in denial? It’s not for me to comment however seems rather strange to me. Each to their own.

Me I believe everyone has at least one regret or something they would be inclined to change. Me I have a plethora of them however look at my choices and put them down to age, experience and stupidity. Either or what’s done is done and cannot be overturned. My regrets aren’t one that has caused a great deal of distress on my family however are ones that have been associated with my condition and the worries that entered my mind as the years progressed.

When the topic of looking back is discussed it fills me with pleasure and dread all in one. The pleasure side is the growing up along with the joking with friends and family. There’s also the momentous occasions such as simple Christmases where you didn’t have a care in the world and the joys of the tooth fairy bringing you a £1 however ignoring the fact that she was supposedly oblivious to the fact that you’d just yanked half of your wobbly baby teeth out to pocket the cash. Those occasions make me smile.

The downside being was that I have been known to worry too much particularly when my condition was involved, the fear of the unknown and the problematic friends I’ve had to cope with over the years that I’ve allowed to upset me and make me question my own role as a friend. Overall the one question you have to ask yourself. What is best for you now? Should we continue to look back or march firmly forward onto another chapter of our life?

To me Epilepsy is all about looking forward.

Many may question that statement as this blog is about taking a detour back into my past and focusing on the changes made. I choose to look at the changes I’ve made and put this down to the advice given by friends, family, discussion forums, twitter buddies and the medical profession. Having a condition such as ours takes a hell of a long time to accept therefore we might as well look to the now and accept that you are doing all you can with what you’ve got.

Getting onto yesterday evening’s scandalous moment.

After watching a couple of TV programmes taped on my satellite box I decided it would be best to kick Easter off to a flying start by applying my Avon gradual tanner in Medium. Should any of you have not applied gradual tanner let me explain how it works. It’s all about the tan you desire therefore you apply everyday (preferably before bed) and allow your tan to develop overnight. Me I can only describe tanner as smelling like smelly biscuits. It’s an off smell.

Now before we go any further I must make you aware that I’m very pale with blonde hair. My mother usually calls me pastey and tells me that “A bit of colour” definitely makes me look more alive. Cheers mother.

It wasn’t a complete disaster but the result was noticeable. Let me explain further…

Anyhow I applied the tan, went to bed and woke up the following morning with the enthusiasm that I would wake up looking positively glowing. Instead I looked like a Dalmatian puppy. Instead of the black and white spots I had orange and white spots. Although the tan wasn’t as heavy as your usual full fake tanners it made me look like I had been sprayed by a car going through a dirty puddle. Considering I had only applied tan to my arms, neck and stomach I had made a right hash of my application.

Part of me questioned why on earth I put fake tan on anyway. I always make an absolute balls of it and always use the wrong lighting. I looked in the full length mirror before saying “Eeeee” rather loudly at myself. Come on! Part of me wanted to shout “Fuckity shit bollocks and hell look at the plight of me” however refrained as my husband was still asleep next door.

Can a girl not get a pre Easter tan? Can she not look like she’s had a mini break in the Bahamas. Of course not. We have had no bloody Easter so I need to look like I have something.

Mind you it’s me we are talking about here. I should have realised not to trust my shaky self to apply gradual tanner. My husband was the first one to pop fun at me before my mam intervened after noticing the orange/white gaps in between my fingers.

My pal’s make me laugh particularly when I’ve applied tan in the past. The usual questions are “Are you going to get a tan done before you go out?” You’re joking aren’t you I’ve already got some on..

And..

“What’s that long streak down the back of your neck? Who applied that?” Cheeky buggers!

Mind you it is rather comical and creases me up laughing.

Today the diet has gone out the window. The actual food has been healthy however The Sazzle choccie challenge has been decimated and will resume properly tomorrow. This morning started well with a bowl of porridge, cup of coffee and fresh orange however as the day continued a crème egg appeared before a full size Thornton’s chocolate egg with a further two hot drinks. My 1kg egg got a hammering too. Oh dear. This isn’t good. To hell with it, I’m having it.

One of my followers today said that chocolate over the Easter period should count as part of your 5 a day. So true, that made me chuckle.

Chocolate should be made compulsory over Easter. It’s a must and cannot be resisted. Either way I will be back on track tomorrow as my other half has kindly ate the rest.

To conclude today’s post. Everyone has regrets, everyone has heartache however if you were to calculate the fors and against’s in your life you’ll probably realise that you have more to live for than what you think. Keep thinking to yourself that life’s all about focusing on the good points not the bad ones. That’s the only way we can move forward.

We all try to remain on the straight and narrow however when Easter’s concerned the majority do fall off the bandwagon and that’s ok. As it’s a celebration why not have an Easter egg or a little treat? Fair enough we may deviate off course slightly however as long as we know that we will return to our healthy ways tomorrow then why not? Chocolate at Easter would be like not having your favourite meal on Christmas day/thanksgiving (for all my American followers).

Remember folks keep smiling. Remember Easter only comes round once a year so make the most of it. Make the most of any time off you have and share this with the people closest to you. The sun is shining today which can only mean one thing; things are looking up.

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Strength and smells.

This morning I woke up to a bitter chill in the air, the frost had again christened my lawn and the cat preferred to stay indoors. Yet again I was up extremely early for a day off and as planned the headaches arrived just in time for my daily bowl of cereal. Groundhog day here I come or so I thought.

Instead of whining I decided that by eating breakfast, having a glass of water and a very long shower may help matters and so I did. I changed my usual feeling sorry for myself because I have a headache moment and miraculously it worked.

The quote of the day has to be:

“I hated every minute of training but I said don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion”- Muhammad Ali

My opinion is that this rule applies to everything life throws at you. Be the champion that you want to be. We are all champions in our own way. It’s how big of a champion you choose to be. Being a champion isn’t just about being powerful it’s about knowing that you are accomplishing your own goals. Whether that be helping a neighbour, getting out of bed on a morning feeling energised or sticking to a diet each goal counts to form the end result.

Whilst reading these very words this morning it made me think. The thought was sit and feel depressed or get up and fight. The headaches for me have been a daily occurrence for a few months now. The doctors are certain that it’s as a result of my medication however every anti-epileptic drug I’ve been on causes headaches so no change there.

Do you really think that the greatest boxer in the world sat there and decided to give up? Of course he didn’t he persevered and became the ultimate champion. He is remembered for his guts, stamina, strength and agility.

Since being diagnosed with Epilepsy the words “quitting” have entered my head on more than one occasion. When the shakes entered my life I became very upset with myself. One day after a horrendous bout of the shakes I sat questioning my existence before feeling sorry for myself and getting blinding drunk. For those first six years the shakes occurred every other day. In my eyes I was just existing. I wasn’t actually getting anywhere. Dwelling was second nature to me.

Sitting there dwelling doesn’t achieve anything; in fact it makes you feel worse. Why should you feel like you’re just existing? Why not change your groundhog day and enjoy the one life you have?

All that we are is a result of what we put in, you reap what you sow. My world felt like it was turned upside down when I was diagnosed. I was a little girl lost and I felt like no one knew entirely how I was feeling. Nowadays I know exactly how I’m feeling. My emotions now consist of getting up and living my life with the occasional lack lustre and whingey moment. Overall times are changing and that’s something we all must adhere to adjusting to.

Whilst writing my random facts last night it got me thinking about who I was and what I represented. I briefly analysed what I was and what I currently stand for. My life has changed completely ranging from the usual clothing, hairstyles and beauty products. The biggest change however has to be my outlook on life.

I bleat on continuously about being alone however feel that it must be drummed in. Facing a condition can dampen your outlook on life and make you feel downtrodden. You are never alone. Fair enough medical appointments are compulsory along with medication taking however discussion forums and therapy is a place that allows you the power to educate yourself about your condition and gives you the tools to change your life to a degree. No your condition won’t disappear however like me you will see how others cope. You may seek advice and solace from it.

A question for you all? What is your comfort zone and do you retreat there when you’re feeling down? Do you go there after a seizure or when you’re feeling a little under the weather?

Today I decided to go out with my mam for a little retail therapy. So there we were mother and daughter in arm eying up fashions we couldn’t blatantly afford. Either way we stopped off for a ham and cheese sarnie and a couple of cups of coffee. Going out with my mam is a blessing. Like me she can talk the hind legs off a donkey however her heart’s in the right place. I always try to drop hints about what makeup I’m into on the off chance she’ll let me get something. The joys of being a child… well a 27 year old one!

Whilst out today one of the most disgusting yet hilarious thing happened. Mid browse in my usual clothes shops I smelled a funny smell. At first I thought it could be my first aura smell as my head was buzzing however it wasn’t it was a weird smell. A one I’d never smelt before. It was like rotten eggs merged with soap powder. Had someone dropped a bomb or was I going to convulse? The fear was in my mind, I was waiting and waiting and waiting before…

Hold up wait a minute.

Standing in a corner of the shop was a woman. A middle aged woman with a very nice Fiorelli bag around her neck. At first I was eying up the bag however I could see she was looking a tad sheepish and embarrassed. Before long the heavier the smell the more she was backing out of the store. Then all of a sudden.

“Parrrrrrp” and off she ran to the other end of the shop dragging her little boy with her.

Had that woman just farted or was it the kid? I didn’t know what way to turn. Here I was thinking I was going to have a full blown seizure only to identity some woman dropping stinkers in the store next to the blouse I wanted to buy. What was worse was that she tried to disguise the smell by spraying perfume around the shop before then blaming her child. Crazy lady! If you’re gonna let one go just do it! I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself, that made my Saturday.

The day so far has been a massive success. I scored for a highlighter and a decaf skinny latte along with removing my headache with a litre of water and a bit of willpower.

All around the day is looking up. I’ve been eating relatively healthy, the husband’s making a pasta dish this evening and I have refrained from eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate. The Sazzle chocolate challenge is going well. It’s the longest I’ve gone without eating more than two squares a day. Long may this continue. Tomorrow may be a little harder as there’s a zillion Easter eggs sitting in the cupboard.

The morale of the story is this. Strength is a quality we all have however some don’t realise they have strength until it stares them in the face.

Allow yourself to change the dynamics of your life. Ensure that you try to remain as positive as you can when you can. When it comes to your condition I know times are tough and you feel like throwing in the towel however I would strongly recommend that you don’t. As John D Rockefeller said I always try to turn every disaster into an opportunity. I elaborate on that.

Try to turn a negative into a positive, a frown into a smile and a worry into a hope. If you can do those three things then you are on your road to recovery.

Shaking, random facts and Good Friday’s

A long post tonight chaps and chapesses!

“Although the world is full of suffering it is also full of the overcoming of it”- Helen Keller.

Happy good Friday to you all. For those who are have been fortunate to get a day off work then hope you’re having a relaxing day, as for the rest you poor buggers hope you have a relaxing time when you return home. Like Christmas Easter is a time of celebration in which our families congregate together to eat, drink and be merry.

In my case it’s trying to eat healthily and being merry as I only have the odd tipple. There’s also the matter of the clocks going forward and your sleeping pattern being thrown right out of the window.

Good Friday’s for me usually consist of relaxing, watching DVD’s and having a very large portion of fish and chips from our local chip shop. The craze of eating fish and chips on a Good Friday is a funny one. The majority of the nation (unless they are vegetarians or vegans) decide to give up meat for this holy day and opt for fried fish and chips instead. Even people who don’t believe in God tend to follow.

What is all the fuss about? People have this fascination with fish & chips on a Good Friday. People are prepared to queue for up to an hour in the freezing cold for this fried bag of heaven. Why do we all do it? My local chippy is clapping it’s hands with glee at the idea of the entire community paying a decent amount of cash for his meals, the servers however are counting down the hours till home time so they can grab their free bag of chips and relax with a bottle (or two) of wine. So they should they deserve it.

Overall it’s usually a relaxing and bloating day. Me I decided to watch from the sidelines while my husband had a large portion of fish, chips and a large white buttered bun. I opted for a little fried fish however decided to not go the whole hog because I was trying to stick to my healthy eating regime. I replaced my chocolate intake with my mini fish and have eaten healthy for the remainder of the day.

Before going off into a tangent again I will refer back to the quote written at the beginning of this evening’s post.

Suffering is a thing that we all experience in our lives. Whether it be the death of a loved one, the loss of a job/home or coming to terms with a condition you have ranks highly with the majority of other scenarios that suffering entails. Recently the family have had a lot of health worries that have caused suffering however we are all on the mend and getting better.

Suffering is an awful burden to bare however although suffering can be perceived as a horrendous prospect it can make us appreciate what we have and kick us into gear. We must all focus on what’s most important our health and wellbeing. Nothing is worth jeopardising your health. Trust me I know.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Four years ago my dad had a heart attack that scared me immensely. My parents usually have a clean bill of health with neither of them being hospitalised in my lifetime.

As you all well know my parents mean the world to me and the idea of either of them being unwell sends me into full blown caring mode because I am an only child.

Returning back from holiday with my stepmam my father had a mini heart attack and was taken into hospital. I was contacted immediately by my stepmother before racing over to see him cup of tea in hand. To see my dad being drugged up to the eyeballs on all sorts forced me to breakdown and question why he was there. Although my dad is partial to a bottle of red wine and the occasional sausage sarnie no one ever envisaged that this would happen to him. He was a sportsman, a professional golfer and a loving husband/father.

A few days following that incident I asked my dad the usual questions my parents usually ask me. Like I do with my condition I turned into Analytical Saz as I would do when I have my own Epileptic episodes.

Questions included were you worrying about something? What do you think caused it? Retrack your steps. My dad although he will never admit it is quite a nervous person. As we share an extremely close bond a part of me thought was my dad suffering from anxiety hence the episode or was the heart attack going to come regardless? Who knows.

I was the only one who had ever been ushered into hospital not my dad. I was the one on long-term medication not him. Surely if one of us was unwell then that was enough. Why him? My dad has been on medication ever since and in just over a week’s time my dad has to go for an angiogram to determine what makes him have such a dicky heart. Like my shakes he has a tendency of going into “dicky heart syndrome” on occasion without any real warning. Let’s just say we make a right pair!

My dad and I have this unique bond that cannot be broken. My dad can see the worry in my face everytime this surgical procedure is discussed and we are both trying to remain positive. As I explained last night life is what it is, it’s too short to worry. Part of me questions whether this subconscious worry has contributed towards my shakes recently. This morning like many other mornings the shakes came along with the headaches.

I woke up insanely early this morning to a migraine and a shaky bout. The coffee was hovering above my lips and I was trying my level best to remain focused whilst watching American based talkshow host Maury Provich on TV. For those who have never had the pleasure of watching Maury I’ll sum it up in a nutshell. Each episode usually lasts an hour and can be watched on UK Living.

Maury’s a canny old American soul, he’s in his early sixties, gets the story he needs before calming people down who have run off the stage after being told that their story isn’t entirely true. Like Jeremy Kyle his speciality is paternity and lie detector testing all of which grab my attention usually on a Saturday morning before I go out with my dad. If you haven’t seen it, watch it it’s shocking but so funny.

The shakes went relatively quickly, I knew I was back to my normal self after responding angrily to an episode where Maury had carried out a paternity test on 30 men and neither were the father. The words “You slag” just came from nowwhere and that was me back to my good old self. Oh dear that wasn’t very nice was it?

The entertainment value is second to none however part of me thinks this show is all fake. Do these people not have an ounce of common sense? Who’s worse them for going on TV airing their dirty laundry or me continuing to watch? As the presenter would say out of Big Brother “You decide”

After a mini rest and a cuppa exercise took centre stage before a quick shower and a camomile tea. Don’t get me started on the camomile tea. It’s better than green but still bloody rotten. Shame I couldn’t put any milk in it.

The shakes are something that don’t half get on my wick however as mentioned repeatedly in my posts life must go on. Fight another fight, live through another battle and show the world that you will not be defeated.

The motivation is slowly returning and I now have 10 days off work to turn into not only a domestic goddess but a lean mean toned grilling machine. The relaxing may come naturally however pigs may fly at the prospect of me turning into a domestic goddess. A grazed sheep would better suit me or something that sleeps a lot..

Yesterday evening I received a tweet with a couple of my followers. Before discussing numerous topics the girls and I were were set the challenge of listing 25 random facts about ourselves. I’ve aired my condition on here so I might as well list other boring statistics. Apologies in advance for boring the tits off you all.

1) I have flat feet. Many of my relatives/friends refer to me as duck foot, plates of meat feet or the best of all Side Joe Bob out of the Simpsons all courtesy of my uncle and my then 8 year old cousin who were both creased up after saying my feet resembled that of a Simpson’s character

2) I only occasionally drink. Cannot drink like a fish because of my meds. Either way I can talk a hind legs off a donkey

3) I call my grand-dad Shoops. My family wanted me so desperately to say Grandpa however it came out all wrong. The name stuck and for short was abbreviated into Shoops. Miss him everyday

4) I can eat men’s size portions. For such a little lady I get into a habit of over eating before then whinging that my thighs are too big following this gargantuan meal

5) I’m petrified of geese. I’ve been hissed at a few times by a goose, one when I had a prawn sarnie pinched out of my hands. They have scared me ever since

6) Although I try to ooze confidence I can be an extremely nervous person.

7) I have a very itchy throat (nothing rude) so have a tendency of clicking my throat whilst pulling my face like a lizard (you really have to be there to see it)

8)I’ve thrown myself down a good few stairs- The majority Epilepsy related of course. The remainder is down to sheer clumsiness

9) Every week I gamble on the football. Nothing major however am now onto my 206th loss. Best quit while I’m ahead

10) As a youngster I was extremely bossy however very organised. I’ve never tried smoking out of fear that my dad would stick my head in a coal fire or make me smoke 20 cigarettes in one go. Still have that fear now… Not a bad thing

11) I adore animals however are extremely nervous around them. I have an animal however have skin allergies. No flare ups lately

12) Vintage clothing is my thing. The older the better

13) I prefer music well before my time, anything with a beat. The majority of today’s music is absolute drivel

14) When I’m on form I can take the piss out of myself and quite well. Nothing’s better than laughing at yourself particularly when you’re feeling down

15) My favourite drink is Guinness. I once drank 8 pints to get a Guinness hat!

16) I adore History. The tudors/Victorian’s were my favourite times of history. Was overjoyed when the Tudors DVD boxset came out. Hot men alert! Period dramas are a must too.

17) My dad thinks I’m psychic as I usually sense things before they happen. Shame I cannot sense when a seizure/shaky bouts coming eh?

18) I am a disgusting human being. Love watching anything gory such as ingrown hairs being pulled out or boils being lanced. The grimmer the better

19) My first single was Do the Bartman by Bart Simpson.. On vinyl.

20) My favourite film is The Shawshank Redemption. Cry like a baby

21) I wake up at 5am every Christmas morning to open my presents. I’m a rather large child at heart

22) Gherkins scare me as do Olives. They smell funny and make me wince

23) My favourite flower is a cream rose. Reminds me so much of my wedding day, they were in my bouquet

24) I love to dance, usually make a complete prat of myself in the process

25) I’m a bit of a neat freak. Everything has to be done yesterday.

So there you have it. Twenty five useless facts about the artist formally known as Sazzle. To conclude today’s post. If you can take some time out for yourself. Think of what defines you and write your own random facts. Have your own identity. Accept what you were born with. If that’s Epilepsy then try and get on with one another because it could be here for the long haul.

As for any other issues accept that our past cannot be altered however we can all change if we dislike something so badly. Put you first and don’t be so hard on yourself. If you don’t achieve something then it wasn’t meant to be it must mean that you were destined for bigger things.

Life’s too short.

Easter is fast approaching and the sun finally came out today. What a relief because my focus was drifting into nothing. To constantly look out the window to snow, sleet and wind is rather depressing. Next week is the start of British summer time. Is someone having a laugh? The snow’s only just gone.

The idea of wearing yet another dark item of clothing is starting to make me feel rather blue therefore it was a blessing to see a hint of sunshine. Failure to feel a tad warmth on my neck sooner or later would have resulted in me retreating back indoors and hibernating for the foreseeable future because I cannot bear yet another chilly day.

This morning I woke up feeling invigorated and excited because at lunchtime today I would be off work for 10 days to celebrate the easter break by spending some time unwinding with the people I love. It was about time that I got off my tush and started feeling like me again, none of this let’s feel sorry for myself nonsense but to appreciate that life is too short.

A tweet was retweeted onto my timeline today that I think is a timeless quote.

“The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else which makes you unique”- Walt Disney.

To be unique. What does that mean exactly? Does having Epilepsy make you unique? Does it make you feel that you can take on the world because you take on such a powerful condition?

In my eyes to be unique is to show the world what you’re made of condition or not, to stand there shoulders back and walk with your head held high. It’s the acceptance that you have for yourself that translates into confidence. It’s the way you embody yourself and show people that irrespective of having a condition that you are making the most with what you have and are doing a damn good job. When you combine all the above with a tailored jacket, a pair of killer heels (or flats in my case because I have flat feet) and a stunning bag then wowsers you’re killing it and standing out from that crowd with class.

People portray their feelings through writing, art, fashion, speech but most importantly through the art of social networking. I’ve never been a big social networking fan as you well know. It’s never appealed to me until about a year ago. I never knew that blogging was the in thing till I went online and started reading blogs about fashion, beauty but more importantly Epilepsy.

The message was loud and clear from bloggers let’s raise awareness and give people the chance to dip into an entirely different world. It was a bloggers way of portraying their feelings to everyone and for that one split second allow the reader to be a part of their world.

I remember about two years ago I was given the opportunity to walk in a local catwalk show for a relative of mine in which I would be asked to wear vintage fashions particularly fashions from the 1980’s.

I was born in 1985 and have been told that 80’s fashions were scandalous. Me I wouldn’t know because I was 4 in 1989 and I was rocking the mickey mouse/Aaron jumper trend so I’d be none of the wiser. For anyone that knows me they’ll know that I love experimenting with makeup and dressing my figure. I love nothing more than trying new fashions and adore the tailoring trend.

To do this fashion show left me with the dilemma. Do I do it or not? Will nerves get in the way?

Before making the decision to do the show I thought long and hard about how I’d feel being centre stage for those ten minutes walking down the mini catwalk. I’d done theatrical plays at school got a successful pass grade at ALevel drama. Although the confidence was there, there was this sense of failure before I even got on stage.

The usual anxieties such as forgetting my lines and making an absolute tit of myself ranked up there with falling over, missing my cue and not superseding my own expectations. Before long the adrenaline would kick in, the show would result in a standing ovation and I would be relieved (to say the least) that it was done and dusted without a hitch.

Working with stage lights was a big obstacle for me to overcome because there was this fear that mid production I would convulse and ruin everyone’s evening. This was before I knew that I didn’t suffer from photosensitive epilepsy.

Getting back to the fashion show.. I made the decision to do this as failure to do so would result in me regretting why I didn’t take the chance when offered and having the guts to do what I wanted. The day came along with the anxieties and I decided that enough was enough. So what if I had a seizure whilst doing my mini catwalk pose. The show must go on and I have to give this a chance for my own sanity.

My makeup was professionally applied, my outfits framed my figure and I felt a million dollars. I was draped in pearls and had that Marilyn Monroe experience for all of ten minutes. My family were there cheering me on and I felt like the woman I always wanted to feel. I was someone else for that moment, the new Saz. The night was a great success and was topped off beautifully with me getting discount off a vintage jacket, eating a chocolate cupcake and having a small glass of white wine.

People may question why I’m referring back to that day. It was a day of fulfilment. It was a day where I stepped out of my comfort zone and although my condition wasn’t erased from my mind I was doing something for me for a change. I wasn’t preventing myself from having a life because I had Epilepsy. I was proud to say that I was a part of a vintage fashion show where I could cheer on my relative and meet new friends in the process. A sense of accomplishment.

I advised that I would keep you all updated with my “chocolate challenge” and so I will.

Work today was extremely hard to remain food focused. Choccies were on the side however I managed to resist an entire truckload and stick to my two bits as planned. Why I’ve decided to set myself this challenge when there’s a bloody 1kg easter egg in my cupboard is beyond me. As I couldn’t gobble the choccies I decided to drink water instead.

As bland as water can be I looked to the long term thinking that my skin would look dewy and my body would be left hydrated. The only downside to drinking the supposed “two litres of water” we should be drinking is that I’ve been pissing like a racehorse dashing to the loo every five minutes and it’s been driving me barmy.

Anyhow. Mid afternoon I opted for a carvery, had no rice pudding and spent a little time with a couple of my relatives. As I stared at my meal I thought to myself that although I’ve set the choccie challenge I’m doing relatively well with the remainder of my food. I;m eating my lean meat and devouring through my five a day. You are allowed a treat at times to prevent you going off course entirely however as long as I’m aware of my food options then I should hopefully be ok and succeed in my quest to feel good in my straight jeans again.

As I’m now maintaining positivity about my condition I want to make sensible decisions about the remainder of my life. I’m getting there slowly but surely and advise those out there to persevere as you will get there eventually. I need to have the feel good factor.

To conclude today’s post. Epilepsy makes your mood go up and down, you feel like the seizures are never going to stop and that you will never come out of the routine you’re in. Look at it this way. Life is too short to worry as it’s too short to be unhappy. Be unique, stand out from the crowd and like yourself, you never know what’s around the corner.

The come down.

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same” – Carlos Castaneda

One word. Slump. Today has been a shit day and a one that I would rather forget in a hurry. Yesterday was an eventful day, a day of celebration. Today I just felt demotivated with no explanation as to why I felt this way. I know I have posted about being demotivated in the past but it is an ongoing battle at times. Maybe today was an “off day” however I didn’t want an off day. My mind was saying one thing and my body another.

I’m off work from tomorrow for ten days. I should be jumping for joy at the prospect that I can sleep in till whenever I want and mosey about without a care in the world however today I just didn’t feel like myself.

Don’t we all get like that sometimes? Don’t we all just feel like we want to tell the world to sod off, grab everything in our cupboards and munch away whilst watching our favourite TV programmes. I know today should have been a duvet day. I wanted to shut the world off and go back to sleep. Like sleeping beauty I wanted to sleep for a thousand years. I got that right didn’t I or was that Snow White? Either way it was one of them!

My eyes felt heavy whilst at my desk, caffeine might as well have been on a drip and my mind was somewhere completely different. Let’s just say I wasn’t me and I was feeling miserable. Today I couldn’t put my finger as to why I was feeling so forlorn. It wasn’t my hormones and it sure as hell wasn’t down to finances because I get paid tomorrow. What was it?

My medication worries have been pushed to the back of my subconscious however I have had a vast amount of shakes within quick succession. I was doing extremely well about a year ago when they averaged once every 2 and a half weeks however now they’re back like old times averaging at least three a week. My mind has been working overtime to fathom out why they’re increasing. I wanted to throw in the towel and burst into tears about this shaking scenario however thought that this would get me nowhere.

The quote above states the obvious. Whether you be miserable or happy the amount of work is the same. If you had a choice to be happy or miserable which one would you choose? I know the obvious would be to be happy however some prefer to choose the miserable category. I may shoot myself in the foot with this one however some people actually enjoy people constantly sympathising with them and telling them that nothing compares to the difficulties they’ve had.

Part of me feels like yanking these from the miniature world they’re living in and telling them that they’ve experienced nothing until they’ve walked in our shoes however that would make me as bad as them and to be honest I cannot be bothered with the whole thing. You know what I mean don’t you? The whole anything you can do I can do better bollocks. I cannot stand people like that.

Having Epilepsy at times can be a struggle and make you worry about anything and everything without knowing exactly why you’re doing it.

Having this condition has felt like I’ve been on the biggest waltzer in the world being spun from pillar to post with no one to pull the leaver and make it stop. It’s only now that I would choose happiness over uncertainty. Who wants to live in a life of panic? Who wants to live a life of no discipline? I know I don’t however there are times in life where you have absolutely no control. It’s a matter of how you cope is the biggest hurdle.

Talking about my condition now isn’t the hurdle it once was, in fact I’m proud to say I’m Epileptic sharing my story and trying to help others.

Today I got thinking about what it was like to be happy and what people must do to remain on track. Do we document our steps to encourage ourselves to move forward or do we try to train our mind to think differently. Sometimes I feel that there’s too much emphasis to change there and then. It’s a slow recovery process and cannot be changed overnight.

Some people feel that by going cold turkey can make an impact to their healing process. Some may feel that going cold turkey is beneficial to their healing process however when you have a condition as complex as Epilepsy that process will fall on it’s arse. Every challenge is a step. Some steps may be in the right direction and at times you may deviate off course however as long as you remain assertive about the whole situation then you will get there. I promise. Each to their own.

There’s no simple way to say this but going cold turkey with anything is a fucking nightmare. Your intentions are good however the idea of removing something entirely from your life without weening yourself off it is awful. Take me with chocolate for instance. This is a battle I have been plagued with since the day I managed to eat solids.

The weather has been absolutely rubbish and this is one of my reasons as to why I feel like I’m getting the munchies. I ain’t pregnant and I’m as miserable as sin coming out of work to a blanket of snow. Are we all in this rut and is it partly down to the weather? When the weather’s bad I have time to think, hence the questioning this evening.

Like a drug addiction I personally think you can actually be addicted to chocolate and I most definitely fall into this category. I have been extremely lucky to not only gain a significant amount of weight but to not lose my teeth either. Either my teeth are as hard as old boots or come the age of 35 they’ll all drop out and I’ll be gurning for England chomping steak against my strengthened gums.

Whenever chocolates around I’m like a mad woman possessed and to remove it entirely from my diet is proving harder than I thought. This may explain the rut I’m in.

Magazines state that it’s been physically proven that chocolate along with other caffeine based products such as coffee and other sugary substances can in fact make you alert. The comedown hits you like a ton of bricks and before you know it you’re raiding your fridge eating anything and everything on display. Today I managed to have a small piece of chocolate and didn’t return for second helpings. My main meal went down a treat and I wasn’t there waiting like a dog by his bowl panting for seconds.

I personally think merging a vast amount of sugar with my medication doesn’t help my shakes. Combine that pattern with the general routine of life then you may have at times a recipe for disaster.

I don’t know if it’s the greatest idea I’ve ever come up with (I don’t many lightbulb moments) however my aim while I’m absent from work is to remain relatively chocolate free. I’m to replace lighter chocolate with dark and to have a maximum of two baby squares per day.

I will keep you all informed on how I’m doing along with reporting my usual daily tasks and raising awareness on my condition. I have made my husband confiscate my Easter eggs and have given him permission to eat them of his own accord on the one proviso that he cannot eat them in front of me.

Exercise went well today and I was panting so hard that I scared the cat. My Davina app for the IPhone is the business and is pushing me big style, this can only be a good thing. My goal is to eat healthy, exercise regularly and feel better in my straight jeans hanging up in my spare room shouting to be worn again with my new floral blazer. I just need to get off my arse, drink a couple of mugs of awfulness (that we all know an love as green tea) and find a way to jumpstart myself yet again.

To conclude this evenings post. We all have our down days particularly when we veer off course. Medication can play a role in this slump therefore we have to accept the days where we are feeling blue and ensure the day’s when we are upbeat that we live for the moment and embrace them.

Whether it be seizures, exams, food or just the general necessities in life we must remember this. Happiness makes you smile, sorrow can crush you. As Michael Jordan once said I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. Let’s rejig Mr Jordan’s words for one second. Don’t look at yourself as a failure look at the qualities you have. Never lose sight of who you are because being you isn’t such a bad thing. Stay strong and true to who you are and the rest will follow.

Purple purple everywhere.

March 26th 2013, two words. Purple day. And what a day it’s been.

First and foremost I would like to wish everyone a very happy purple day. Today is a day where we are all united to share our Epilepsy to the world and to show everyone that we are united as one, that we are warriors and will continue to fight whatever situation comes our way. Epilepsy is more that seizures, strobe lights and medication. It’s a condition that affects millions of people across the world all of which cope with their condition in their own way.

Whether it be worry, side effects from medication or frequent attacks Epilepsy can be well known to make you feel very upset and disappointed in yourself on occasion. It can also be a condition that other people would take for granted.

I know in my instance I get no warnings when I have seizures so basic things like taking a bath alone or making my husband a surprise meal goes out the window because there’s always that possibility that I will have an attack and injure myself. The only thing I can make him is a bloody ham sandwich and a glass of juice for him coming home. He’s sick of eating them! Mind you when he is in a careful eye wanders into the kitchen to ensure I’m ok much to the dismay of my brain who wants him to leave me alone however knows he has my wellbeing at heart.

To me Purple day isn’t just about raising awareness and giving each other a pat on the back for what we have achieved. Purple day is about the world becoming unanimous in the one thing that they are passionate about. A condition they cannot control. A condition that can make you and break you at times. To me it’s defined me into the woman I am today. Purple day isn’t just about people who suffer from Epilepsy it’s about the people who allow us to have some normality in our lives. Those people are our families and friends.

Purple day is about standing tall with the families of those who have Epilepsy. It’s the sacrifices they make for Epilepsy that make me proud. Without those very people we may not be as appreciative as we are right now as they are the people that live our condition through them. People do this to show us their unconditional love and support. My parents did it for me and if I should ever be in the same predicament as them then I would do the same hands down.

Purple day is also about celebrating the lives of the people who unfortunately cannot be with us and for the many people who through charitable donations, fundraising events and just wearing that fabulous colour give us the hope that our condition year by year is finally being recognised.

Although being at work my twitter timeline has been swarmed with beautiful messages of encouragement to one another. Everywhere I’ve seen there’s been purple hearts, purple clothing and the occasional purple cake. For pete’s sake today I went purple overboard. It was subtle but apparent. The purple bag was out, the lilac top was on, my nails were painted purple to brighten my mood however it didn’t quite stop there.

My bathroom has never really stood out till today. Part of our bathroom is purple so from the moment I woke up this morning to freshen up all I saw was purple hand wash, purple hand towels and my good old manual purple toothbrush. Let’s just say my entire house would make any Epileptic proud, it should do I’ve had the condition for long enough!

A quote today that I think incorporates my day with the overall purple theme:

“Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out”- Robert Collier

That is exactly what this day represents. People wonder how we get the strength to carry on when the seizures get severe and the worrying becomes extreme. We find a way, every knock makes us stronger, a negative remark makes us wonder and the sense of togetherness makes us stand that little bit taller. We are all successful in one way or another.

Epilepsy is a condition that in earlier decades was a “hush hush” subject that very few wanted to bring to the spotlight. Again this boiled down to a lack of understanding.

Today support groups have become the crutch we need for that additional understanding. They are the people who are prepared to fight our corner and give us the push we need in order to accept ourselves and our condition. Since being diagnosed the support I have received from outside groups has been remarkable. Their attention to detail is second to none and their hearts are bigger than many I’ve ever known.

Anyhow the past couple of days have been quite relaxing. The house is filled with early Easter eggs and apart from the 1kg egg I received from my other half on Saturday at least one of the eggs has gone astray. I have to confess I wolfed it down late last night with a cup of tea whilst watching my DVD collection in bed. One word to describe my eating habit. Greed.

I didn’t really want it. It was tasty but nothing to write home about. I was eating the chocolate for eating it’s sake and I was annoyed at myself for giving into that tasty egg.

What I decided was that from today I would eat healthier and exercise like there was no tomorrow. This time I mean it I MUST EAT HEALTHY!! You are allowed the occasional mini egg not the entire bag! That’s my downfall. Sugar.. oh dear. Nevermind I have a plan. I’m gonna replace chocolate with a banana and a low fat yoghurt. Better for me.

Come this morning I was on course. My head was that sore I felt like it was gonna roll off my shoulders and down the stairs and I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed. I did however manage to get up, get sorted and go into work. I had my shreddies and a cup of coffee before duh duh duh.. My manager came in with a box of 6 crème eggs for us all as a Easter present to all her staff. The thought was there however my mind was working overload. Mmmm.. crème egg and a cuppa sounded rather delightful to me.

Double bollocks.. How on earth am I gonna get out of this one. My main cupboards consist of a purple egg, a smarties egg, about 15 crème eggs, 3 standard chocolate eggs and a plethora of rolo sweets. I know I’m a chocoholic however this is taking the biscuit.. literally.

How am I going to be healthy now? I cannot palm the chocolate off on my mother as she’s on weight watchers and I daren’t give them to my dad as the majority of his teeth aren’t his own. The cat prefers his whiskas cat treats and my husband is more of a savoury man. What’s a girl to do? What would you all recommend?

So there you have it. Yesterday was the usual Monday however today didn’t have brighten my spirits. Thankfully I’ve had no real medication concerns and my shaky bouts have remained relatively dormant for the time being. Work’s passing by and I’m counting down the hours till Thursday lunchtime before I’m off for 10 days to do what I do most. Relaxing, day trips and having some Saz time.

To conclude today’s post. Purple day. A day where we should all be aware of what Epilepsy can bring. A day where the entire world comes together to share their own stories and to educate the public what Epilepsy is and what it means to them. The morale of the story is to be proud of who you are and to see how far you’ve come. Everyone copes with their condition differently. Each to their own. Always remember you’re never alone.

As for the choccie eggs. Easter’s gonna be a very long festive period that may take the dampener off the cold weather however I’m determined to leave the eggs a little longer than planned and make the most of what Easter has to offer.

Opinions are allowed.

This week like all others has been a culmination of ups, downs and in betweens.

The start of this week made me question my capability to reduce my medication. Towards the latter part of the week I was sitting there questioning my father about the person I was becoming. Overall a lot of unnecessary analysing had taken place that has made me laugh, cry and dawdle.

A quote that has recently popped up on my phone summarises how I’ve felt about me.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be”- Douglas Adams.

Life isn’t a bed a roses in fact sometimes it smells a tad off and makes us wonder how on earth we are gonna get rid of the smell. Balls are thrown that we are expected to catch and decisions are made that can frame our entire lives. I thought of the same thing whilst taking my medication this morning.

I looked at my concoction of tablets and decided that instead of frowning at the tablets that left me demotivated I would look at them and realise that these tablets are actually keeping my Epilepsy on a relatively even keel. Without my medication I would be convulsing every five minutes and questioning how I could make them stop.

Medication like everything else in our lives has a side effect. Whatever action we do causes a reaction either within our bodies or with something else. The action in my life is that I’ve worried about my future too many times and wanted so badly to change the wrong doings I had created. Examples to name a few include erasing my anxiety and not giving a damn about what other’s think. The reaction being was that in doing so it was making me miserable and tired hence writing yesterday’s post about questioning.

Purple day is approaching and I am eager to see how everyone else celebrates purple day. Me I may opt for a bright purple top because my hands are too shaky to recreate the nail art I’d seen online. Big smiles all around because it’s Purple day. It’s our day.

Question for you all? Why do we all wake up so bloody early on a weekend? Some people tend to children, others tend to pets however the two days where I should be lying in after a long week at work my body wants me up and out. Is it because my body knows I only have two days off to make the most of my weekend or is it so used to waking up at 5am that it knows no other?
Routine that’s what my body’s used to. Sod the routine I wanna snooze not watch Jezza Kyle USA at 5am on a Sunday morning.

Anyhow the intention was to get up, eat healthy and exercise. And so I did that, I started as I meant to go on.

The day went off to a flying start. The weather has been absolutely rubbish these past few days. We haven’t had any real snow however our neighbours both north and south of us have experienced the worst of it. I sympathise with you all. Shortly after I’d written yesterday’s post I wolfed down a takeaway chicken kiev pizza which although tasted rather nice left a greasy filming at the roof of my mouth and made my breath smell of garlic for the remainder of the evening.

It’s March for crying out loud where’s spring gone? Oh I forgot it’s gonna bypass the UK altogether.

This time last year we had a mini heatwave with the sun cracking the pavements and everyone walking around looking like lobsters for a week. This time around we are sitting freezing our tits off with scarves on, polo necks pulled right up to our faces and wellies on to prevent the snow/rain coming into our already sodden feet. Overall it’s pretty grim. I just hope sometime soon we can all smile without being blown over by the wind or grabbing a drink and sitting outside without the worry of being pelted by an unexpected snow blizzard.

Before putting my new founded culinary powers into practise I decided to go onto twitter and see how everyone’s weekend’s were panning out. I unfortunately got rather opinionated when I saw the amount of tweets sitting on my timeline about the government and the changes being introduced. I’m a person who tries her best to be calm and dignified when the economy’s involved however today I couldn’t help but voice my opinion. I apologised immediately after my little power rant however felt that what I had to say was required in order for me to carry on my day.

After chatting with pals I’ve accepted the fact that everyone’s entitled to an opinion.

When the budget was announced it effected the entire country. Like everywhere else in the world new rulings are being introduced into our culture. Our belts are getting tighter and households are feeling the pinch now more than ever. Our country like every other is no different.

The two world wars happened before I was a twinkle in my parents’ eye. The first one in 1914 exactly 71 years before I was born. The second in 1939.

My family have given me an insight as to what times were like in wartime Britain and if I had to endure what they endured then I would be a bag of nerves. Times were hard then. Nowadays it’s hard but not a patch on what it was then. At least people were civil to one another, were united in overcoming the enemies and had to cope whatever circumstance was thrown their way. It was a matter of life or death. Literally. Nowadays I get the impression that some people take what we have in this country for granted. There’s not the same spirit anymore. The last time I saw it was when the Olympics was on.

I’m proud to say I’m British. Our history is astronomical and like no other. We have a monarchy and get the occasional day off to celebrate a royal wedding. We have an army that do us proud and we have some of the best schools in Europe let alone the UK. The men that fought for this country in both world wars along with the wars thereafter represent our fighting spirit, represent our country and fight for what they believe in. If my great uncles (who died in WW2) were here today part of them would wonder what they were fighting for.

Recently like many other individuals watched the budget before voicing my opinion to my nearest and dearest particularly my gran who said she’s still paying tax 65 years on. Unless you are a billionaire where money’s no option then you will be effected by what’s happening in the country. I like many other disabled people work and pay my taxes, I’m not on the best wage however have made sacrifices throughout my life to not only benefit my condition but to benefit my future.

Although my condition can restrict my knowledge and physical ability I made it a priority to get a job at an early age, work full time and from the age of 20 save what little money I had to enable me to move on with my future. I tried to prove to myself that with a disability I could like everyone else out there be able to live a life as normal as possible. My parents allowed me to take that control.

I sympathise with those who struggle financially or who are incapacitated. My heart goes out to them however you have to make the best with what you have. Wallowing in self pity gets you nowhere. I’ve done it myself and it wasn’t pleasant. We are extremely lucky to live in a country where our healthcare is paid for. We are extremely lucky to be able to go to someone and receive some form of support whether it be medically, financially or anything else. Other country’s don’t even have that. You just have to watch the latest comic relief to witness that.

What is apparent is that the media latch onto anything they can get their hands on to tear strips off the government and who the budget is going to effect the most. No ministers don’t live in our shoes however what it comes back to what is I said earlier. The budget effects everyone. I can’t understand what creating additional upheaval will do to benefit anyone. If they want to bring something new in then they will regardless of what we think. If people are in uproar to the extent I’ve read in previous months then leave if it’s so bad.

Life to me shouldn’t be given on a plate, no one owes you a living you owe yourself that living. Unfortunately times are hard for us all however we have to try our utmost to adjust to these plans. We should be focusing on our own families and protecting what’s in our little bubble. Change your life to prevent that bubble being burst. That is the most important thing. We should be united in a positive way. If I have offended anyone with my comments I apologise however must express my feelings the way others have expressed theirs.

Relaxation is key this afternoon because I have a stonking headache and need a snooze. I’ve got my DVD’s on in the background, my husbands helped with the chores and the cat’s snoozing on the rug after being chased by the local magpies taunting him for stealing the bread our neighbour dropped for them outside on her lawn. My arse is well and truly frozen and I have about 100 jumpers on to keep warm. My little portable heater has been on full blast and I foresee my electric bill being through the roof!

To conclude today’s post. You are entitled to an opinion and sometimes your opinion will not mirror someone else’s. The reason being is because everyone’s lives are different. What may upset one may not upset another. Today after consulting my online pals I have noticed that as long as you care for the people you love then everything else is irrelevant.

Sacrifices have to be made in order to get by. Twenty years ago I was diagnosed with a condition. I am now in that position to say that I’m overcoming my worries and appreciating that my bubble is the most important.

Why do we keep questioning?

Two words to describe the weather bitterly cold. Two words to describe my mood positively uplifting.

Today was the first time in eleven days where I wasn’t up at 5am getting ready for work and had the opportunity to roll over and drift back off to sleep. That feeling ranks up there with eating chocolate, buying clothes and being seizure free. I was still up early this morning however felt energised and ready to start the day. Medication was taken, magazines were read and a cup (or two) of coffee was drank.

Whilst reading my magazine and scrolling through my tweets from the night before I noticed that I now have 100 followers on twitter and was thrilled at how many people have decided to support Sazzle’s blog.

Now people may be thinking “Hold up you only have 100 followers” however for someone who was anxious about releasing a blog about my thoughts and feelings towards worry, anxiety and Epilepsy is a massive achievement to me.

Below is a quote that may enlighten you all towards the way I’ve felt whilst writing this blog and the people I have had the opportunity to chat to.

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless”- Mother Theresa

The purpose of creating this blog was to write down my own experiences that I could refer back to in times of trouble.

Not only did I feel that this would be beneficial to my recovery however may help others gage an understanding of their own condition and may be able to translate that to others. Over the past two months you guys have given me that self belief and have made me like me again. It’s crazy to think that we all have similarities and some of us suffer the same worries about Epilepsy.

The information I have collated in two months from people on twitter is phenomenal and the online companionships I’ve made is unreal. I now know how people other than myself cope and how they prioritise their lives to accommodate their condition or their goals to lose weight, remain in control and to support the people they love.

The feedback I’ve received from you all is assuring. I admire you all and have sought advice on coping, accepting my medication along with my faults and appreciating that life is for living and not putting obstacles in my own way.

As mentioned in earlier posts the timeline of doubt since being diagnosed with Epilepsy has been a long drawn process.

Irrespective of me being seizure free for the period I have I’m still at times trying to be one up on myself and don’t know why. I know along with others know that this mental pattern is not healthy. I know one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) that I will wake up one morning and all those missing pieces should eventually slot together to create the bigger picture.

I don’t for one second believe that I’m being hard on myself however realise that we only get one life so we best make the most out of what we have. If the shit’s hit the fan on some aspects of our life then we must make the best of a bad job, write it off and accept that what’s done is done.

I have been known in the past for being “Analytical Saz” At first I would challenge people evaluating my persona however as I got older actually understood why they would call me this. The medication changes have to me been probably one of the hardest fears of mine. Combine that with the fear of having a seizure or a shaky bout alone took a very long time to come to terms with.

Today like all Saturdays I went out with my Dad before returning home to shout at the TV whilst watching my football coupon go tits up for the 205th time. It’s safe to say that betting is NOT my strongest subject. Every week my Dad, husband and I walk into the bookies and put on a couple of pound each. We then return home, have numerous mugs of tea and shout at the TV whilst watching all our bets go down the swanney. I absolutely adore my Saturdays particularly when my dad’s there.

He is one of the funniest, generous and kind hearted men I know. He swears like a trooper, drinks tea like a fish and like my gran bangs the world to rights every time I see him. He traipses round the shops with me on a Saturday in which the pair of us walk arm in arm, grab a bite to eat and buy the occasional bargain. My dad is renowned for his “fashion advice” telling me what accessory works well with a colourful blazer and what shoes suit a pair of bootcut jeans.

He is what I would call the “Gok Wan” of South Shields. He is the man that can! This is coming from a man who looked like he was part of Duran Duran in the 80’s and made a complete tit of himself before I was born. The fashions of the 80’s are like marmite some it and others couldn’t stand it. My dad was what we called in the UK “A new romantic” and thought he was the bees knees from the get go. That was before he became a Dad.

This morning I walked into a clothes shop to stumble across a new blazer. It was sheer perfection and cost me £70. It was a floral jacket and made my beautiful coral jacket look like the underdog. It was bold, beautiful and so chic. My dad thought it matched my personality perfectly and I had to have it. It got my dad’s approval and it had to be mine. I had that Wayne’s world moment.

“The jacket is mine.. oh yes the jacket is mine” and so I bought it.

The words “Ker ching” came straight into my head when the tag swiped across the counter. Get me some more clothes I thought however knew that I had bills to pay therefore couldn’t buy anymore.

Getting back to the Saturday ritual.

I posted a photo of Dad earlier this morning circa 1990 when I was 5 years old, this is currently sitting on my twitter timeline.

I wouldn’t change a Saturday with my dad for the world. The routine remains the same. Today my dad and I were discussing whether it’s wiser to look into the future or to focus on the present. The questioning lasted about half an hour. At one stage I questioned why I put so much emphasis on myself to be the best at everything.

I compared myself to others who in my eyes I thought were more successful than me (i.e. they had a degree, money, children) however my dad made me see that I have everything I want right in front of me. Yes I’m restricted at times because of my condition however that condition has made me a better person. It’s made me appreciate the smaller things in life that others take for granted. Comparing yourself with everyone else doesn’t achieve anything. The past is gone, the present is now and the future is yet to be written. As this is the case why worry?

Today I returned home from shopping and received an Easter egg from my husband with the words “Congratulations 100” on it. He bought it for me. He bought it because he knew how much this blog means to me.

He like myself wants to raise Epilepsy awareness as he too has to live with this condition. He is the one who witnesses the seizures/shakes. He may not have the condition himself however relives it through me. That’s what a partnership is. I’m a part of him as he is a part of me. We take on each others problems and try our utmost to help one another because you should never be alone.

To conclude today’s post. The concept of questioning can be misinterpreted in our own minds let alone others.

Questions can easily be turned into a timeline of anxiety and over analysing. Questions are acceptable in small doses. Some individuals get into that routine of worrying about how people perceive them; me included till recently.

We all have things in life we want to change however if we did change them would we be the people we are right now? Everyone has regrets and everyone has problems however we must continue to find that balance between the past and the present. The simple things in life are the things we enjoy the most like buying clothes, listening to music, enjoying a meal with friends and family and laughing at your favourite TV programme.

I decided today following that in depth conversation with Dad was that I aim to be caring about the ones I love however must maintain a carefree approach to others that don’t understand me. Life’s too short to over analyse.

Friday feeling

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”- Plato

Are we all fighting a hard battle with something or with ourselves? Do you constantly seek approval with yourself? Is there a part of you who constantly wants more and will continue to kick themselves when a goal isn’t achieved? Some people set themselves unrealistic targets. The majority of goals are met however sometimes there is the odd occasion where for whatever reason they won’t be and you know what? That’s what being human is all about.

Battles can range from family worries, to financial difficulties to concerns surrounding your condition. All of them are battles that we all come across at some point of our lives. As it’s Friday all I want to do is go buy a crunchie and eat one with a cup of tea. That’s what Friday’s are all about isn’t it? The Friday feeling.

Yesterday was a day where I tore myself up inside over yet another scenario that could have been prevented. At times you have to listen to your mind and listen to what it’s telling you. People can fall off the bandwagon however it makes it all worthwhile to jump back on and fight back. The fighting spirit defines who we are. The fighting spirit makes us warriors and that’s what we do. We get back up when we’re knocked down.

This afternoon at work I looked at my watch and thought about how I was feeling this time yesterday.

This time yesterday I was a nervous wreck tapping my brogues across the shiny floor at the doctors surgery whilst watching some kid crying over dropping his chocolate on the floor. Devastating that isn’t it? No I’m not talking about the anxiety of seeing a Dr I’m talking about that poor kid’s chocolate. There’s nothing worse than dropping that little luxury on a dusty floor. If that was me my mouth would probably have caught the chocolate mid droppage before it could even touch the floor. Bless him.

Today I felt so much better not because the weekend was rearing but that I managed to make the decision to stand still for a change. I decided to breathe slowly and take in what I was becoming.

That person has come a rather long way since she was when diagnosed. Every little mishap resulted in insecurity, doubt and sheer anxiety. Looking back it’s safe to say that I’m getting there all with the help of my loved ones who I am indebted to. To this day I would recommend everyone with any issues write them down and see where you were and how far you’ve come. It can make such a difference.

When I was diagnosed I thought that there would never be light at the end of the tunnel however twenty years on I can see some light. That light glimmers and makes me see sense. It makes me see that giving up is not an option and that whatever the circumstance I have to come through it because only I can make the decision to change. I never asked for Epilepsy however there are moments where I take in what it’s taught me. It’s opened up doors for me to seek advice, make conversations with people sharing my condition and allowing me to raise some form of awareness to the public.

This evening I was reading my kindle and I started thinking. What should be the most important thing in our lives? I’m not the most academic person on the planet however I make do with what I have and take the piss out of myself in the process. People put so much emphasis on being academic and earning a fistful of cash. Does being academic actually make you clever? Does being academic grant you a degree in common sense? I’m uncertain of that one.

Sazzle’s chocolate chunk muffins went down a treat at work. I refrained from eating one as I had half a one last night however drooled while watching my colleagues gobble them with a coffee. I on the other hand opted for a mint flavoured options and a small portion of sugar free jelly. The sweat and profanities that went into those muffins was sublime. I was like the wild woman of Borneo. The entire kitchen took a hammering. I spilt plain flour all over the kitchen floor, eggs were cracked and the mixture was all over the tiles as soon as the electric whisk was turned on. The first attempt was an absolute disaster.

If I had a swear jar for charity it would be overflowing with £1 coins right now. You could have collected about £50 the amount of times I said “For fucks sake” to myself.

After work I decided to take a shopping trip to our local supermarket at rush hour. Let’s just say NEVER go to the supermarket at 4.30pm on a Friday evening. One word to describe Asda on a Friday evening. Cattlemarket… well maybe that’s two words.
One pointer I have to make. It’s supposed to be Spring however it’s below freezing outside. I want to wear something other than long boots, big coats and scarves however the weather doesn’t wanna play ball. Damn you cold weather.

It was bitterly cold outside, my face was that cold it looked like someone had drew permanent red marker all over my face and my hair was sticking up like a hen’s arse. It was all wrong.

I had people randomly standing in the aisles texting and chatting with other shoppers about everything and nothing. I just wanted to get in and get out because I cannot stand clutter. Isn’t it a nightmare when you go food shopping? Usually I decide online shopping is the way forward however in this instance I decided to brace the supermarket.

I’m fortunate that I don’t suffer from trolley rage however The words “excuse me” was said about a dozen times and I was trying to remain reserved. What I wanted to say was “Get out my fucking way I need to get some bread!” however decided that wasn’t the best way forward considering the plight of my hair.

Fortunately my husband and I managed to get out of the supermarket relatively unscathed and decided to have a cooked chicken and some veggies at home. The healthy eating has gone relatively well apart from a couple of scoops of mashed potato I had with my evening meal. It tasted delicious and it was just enough to take the edge off.

The aim this weekend is to chill out and enjoy spending time with family. It’s about getting back into routine i.e. exercise, chilling, forward planning and blogging to you lovely lot. To conclude this evenings post. Friday it’s a day we look forward to, it’s something that makes us smile but more importantly it gives us time to think, relax and have fun, that’s what weekends are for!

What’s a girl to do?

Recently all I’ve wanted to do is listen to Unfinished Sympathy by Massive Attack.

I’ve listened to the entire Massive Attack album Collected and I have been in another world. That’s what my life’s been about at the minute ups and downs particularly when the word medication is mentioned.

Massive Attack are chilling me out right now and making me weigh up the pros and cons of my medication problems. Over the past two days not only have I been bogged down with errands, work and family visits however had a lot of thinking to do. Put all this to one side and there you have it. Do I reduce my medication?

Question for you all this evening. Have you ever had any worries when the word medication comes into the equation?

Whilst listening to relaxing music the quote below flickered onto my phone.

“The answer lies within ourselves. If we can’t find peace and happiness there it’s not going to come from the outside”- Tenzin Palmo.

I think the answer is yes. We all need a little peace and happiness right?

Yesterday was like no other. I burst into tears as soon as I looked at myself in the mirror and as soon as I got to work the doubt returned with me wailing in front of my colleagues before clearing my mascara from my face in the disabled toilet feeling like a right prat. Why was I crying? Why am I making this harder than what it’s supposed to be? I know why. It’s because I’m conscious that my seizures will return. My shakes I can cope with. The seizures; well they are an entirely different ball game.

I managed to get through yesterday eating surprisingly well before returning home and catching up with a few programmes I’d series linked on my Sky+ box. Whilst watching a recent thriller I started questioning life and how far I’ve come. I questioned the past weeks events ranging from the mood swings to the hope of overcoming the frustration. I looked around me, stared at the cat for answers before jotting down a list of the why’s and what if’s when it came to my condition.

And do you know what?

I decided that the pluses clearly outweighed the minuses. The way I was feeling towards my condition was the way the old Saz did when she was a teenager. It’s that dreaded four year mark, a place I’ve been to before. I went four years once only this time I hoped that this seizure free period would last longer than four years. I want it to be an eternity. That’s the downside to Epilepsy. Your life can consist of what if’s, it’s how you turn them into I can’s that appears to be the hardest part.

After consulting family and colleagues I managed to make the decision that I have postponed for so long. The same feelings emerged the last time I reduced my medication 18 months ago.

At present I have decided that at this stage of my life I will keep my medication exactly as it is. People may question why I shouldn’t take that leap of faith because life isn’t life without risks. My view is that the way I have been feeling lately could escalate into a cycle of concern should the medication be reduced at this vital stage of my recovery and could make me insecure again. The fear of knowing that the medication has reduced is something that at this point of my life I cannot quite face up to.

As my gran says watching from the sidelines isn’t such a bad thing. By watching doesn’t make you any less of a leader it just makes you see that you have your whole life to try new things. Why go against my own advice and run un-necessarily. I’m only 27 I have my entire life to run.

Today I walked into the doctor’s surgery freaking out at how my GP would respond to my answer. You know what.. he wasn’t too bothered. In fact my GP advised that sticking at my medication is actually a sensible thing to do particularly when my husband and I are contemplating starting a family within the next couple of years. I walked out of the surgery relieved. What on earth was I worrying about? I decided to celebrate with a bottle of Evian water and a small saveloy dip.

For those who don’t know what a saveloy is it’s a mushier sausage which tastes very nice and is even nicer tossed in with a couple of other ingredients slapped together into a sandwich. People always wonder what the dip bit means.

The “dip” bit of the sandwich is basically pease pudding and stuffing dipped in meat juices. It probably sounds rather grim to those who haven’t munched on one of these delights however you probably have to be there to appreciate it. Let’s just say it’s a Northern thing.

I decided the best way to draw my attention away from the worries of anger and medication discussions was to not only explain my circumstances on my blog but to take up cookery.

So there I was a woman with a plan.

I tootled off to a supermarket debit card in hand and decided to buy some muffin tins, silicone moulds and some ingredients so I could make Sazzle’s chocolate chunk muffins for work tomorrow. Now I’m not the best chef in the world however if I do say so myself I do make rather delicious Yorkshire puddings from scratch. These Yorkshire puds look like miniature terraced houses they rise so high and have such a doughy texture in the middle. If all else fails with the muffins then I can be renowned for my terraced puds! Thanks to my online Pal Catrine her fail safe Yorky pud recipe guarantees perfect puds everytime.

Apart from the Saveloy (and a half of one of the muffins I made) I haven’t succumbed to temptation. During the day I’ve had a tasty homemade chicken curry with basmati rice, some soup (no bread), a couple of cups of coffee and umpteen amounts of water. No fizzy drinks have been gulped along with no chocolate which to me is uncalled for.

Exercise has taken a back seat today however intend to do my usual 70 sit ups, 50 squats and 50 leg raises each leg per day that’s on the basis I’m not doing my exercise DVD. Thinking of my jeans and hoping that come Summer I’ll be strutting my stuff in those jeans.

Getting back to the muffins. Oh lordy! I made two batches.

The first batch of muffins were flatter than a witches tit and didn’t go down well at all. The chocolate chunks were burnt and the smoke alarm went off. The cat was displeased with my efforts so decided to run outside kitty kat under his arm before chasing the snow and smirking at my feeble attempt. The profanities coming out of my mouth at the sheer mess I’d created was uncalled for however after a cup of coffee and a read of my fashion mag I jumped straight back in for another batch. I wasn’t going to be defeated by a fan assisted oven.

Round two. The mixture was right, I resisted licking the bowl so knew that may be a good sign (as I always lick the bowl) and waited. Sitting on the floor whilst shouting “Rise you bastards” at my oven wasn’t the best sentence to say however it must have done the trick because they had risen beautifully. Irrespective of the finished product looking like large holiday hats they tasted bloody marvellous and looked like they could have plonked on top of my head to protect me from the snow.

So the day was another tale of two halves, The worry and the downright funny.

Whilst eating my half of muffin I looked at my medication pack and thought that everyone at some stage has to make that decision to run away or to accept the cards you’re dealt. Today I was happy with the decision I’d made.

To conclude today made me aware of the challenges I have faced, are currently facing and will be coming up against in the future. Let’s just say I think I made the right decision. Sod medication worries I’ll stick to my muffin making for the time being. Whether it be life or cooking practice makes perfect.