’I give myself permission to feel whatever feelings live below the triggers’- Gabrielle Bernstein.
Well hello there, and who may this be you may ask? It’s been three years since I last posted. Let me introduce myself. I’m Saz, I’m 33 years old and I suffer from Epilepsy.
For those who know me it’s safe to say it’s been a long time and for those who don’t then you can either do one of two things familiarise yourself with my previous content or start together at a brand new chapter in my life.
I’ve chosen today’s quote for numerous reasons and that can be interpreted differently by all.
Maybe it’s because life can throw up a multitude of triggers, ones we were never familiar with, ones that we chose to bury beneath the sand only for them to resurface and then there’s the ones that you didn’t ask for the one’s that hit you so hard that you felt you couldn’t get back up again.
Those ones are the seizures, the shaking episodes, the fear of the unknown. The ones that quite literally scare you senseless and make you question what you did wrong to find yourself in such a predicament.
Like you I can relate to this and this is why I’ve chosen to write again, to get back onto the horse I thought I’d fallen off from and yet again make this tiny voice known in the big wide world that we call life.
Without boring you senseless nearly five years ago I underwent a monumental change in my life. I sepearated from my husband, moved into an entirely new home alone and got divorced all within eight months.
What I am about to say is not to shame anyone or to bad mouth or scrutinise any aspect of divorce or seperation this is to share my own personal story on the off chance it may help someone reading.
Prior to this change I’d gone six years seizure free of a grand mal seizure albeit the shakes were sill making an appearance health wise there was light at the end of the tunnel.
Being in victim mode I didn’t believe I deserved any light at that time however ran with it all the same.
The optimistic part of me knew that my epilepsy would always be there however knew it didn’t define me and that Epilepsy is a condition.
The day after my divorce papers were finalised I stood there papers in hand and within the hour had my first grande mal seizure in my living room and by gosh did that hit me hard.
Although life was changing it felt like one of my first seizures, feeling like a child helpless and scared.
To be brutally honest there was a part of me envisaged that I would have had seizures throughout this time considering it was such a change in one’s life however I kept telling myself I was ok.
Once the seizure was over I reiterated to myself that my body chose not to panic under the stress it chose to come at a time when the panic was over, the stress was starting to subside and my body was telling me that it was time to relax. It was my time, there was no need to worry. Things were on the up.
I needed that release and my seizure was the only way (in my opinion) to tell me that I was doing ok. Not everyone will agree with that and I totally accept that however when it comes to Epilepsy it becomes a part of you and I cannot love each day hating it.
If I did I wouldn’t have a positive mindset, I wouldn’t get of bed on a morning, see life as an experience and I wouldn’t allow myself to overcome the mini victories that we accomplish daily, I’ll elaborate on those in another post.
This was also the first time to my knowledge I thought I experienced an aura. The smell of rotten eggs merged with some sort of fabric softener, no one else could smell it only me. It was a feeling like no other and a one that didn’t quite add up. Maybe this was my trigger, my first proper trigger.
Since then the fits have made a comeback averaging at one every four months however I choose not to be defeated.
Like Gabby explained in her quote I gave myself permission to feel both before and after that episode. I gave myself permission to accept that life was changing, I was getting older and that whatever I was facing was showing me something.
The decisions I made at 21 will differentiate from the ones I now make at 33 and I knew this.
I give myself permission to be happy, to start to be at one with myself and to start putting myself first. I urge you all to do the same.
In previous posts I’ve said that life is too short and those words never get old nor do they lose their meaning. Life is too short, you get one and that’s your wack so why sit here not giving yourself permission to feel, to express yourself, to be heard?
Whether you be going through a change in your life whether it be big or small it’s a change within itself.
Overanalysing gets you nowhere, worrying falls under the same category and pessimism is something that you see so many people choosing to be in this lifetime. That victim mentality. No. No more.
Epilepsy is not something we asked for. We search for answers only to feel non descript and misunderstood however the one thing I’ve taken from my 25 year journey with Epilepsy I know I’ll not get all my questions answered and you know what? That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Do I want to continue getting upset over things I can’t control? No. That’s why we’re all here to come together as a community to help one another.
I’ve come back for one reason and that’s to help.
To help through my own personal story and I sincerely hope that whoever or whenever you’re reading this that you know you don’t need validation or permission. Your triggers are yours, you are unique. You are unapologetically you.