Letting it go.

’I give myself permission to feel whatever feelings live below the triggers’- Gabrielle Bernstein.

Well hello there, and who may this be you may ask? It’s been three years since I last posted. Let me introduce myself. I’m Saz, I’m 33 years old and I suffer from Epilepsy.

For those who know me it’s safe to say it’s been a long time and for those who don’t then you can either do one of two things familiarise yourself with my previous content or start together at a brand new chapter in my life.

I’ve chosen today’s quote for numerous reasons and that can be interpreted differently by all.

Maybe it’s because life can throw up a multitude of triggers, ones we were never familiar with, ones that we chose to bury beneath the sand only for them to resurface and then there’s the ones that you didn’t ask for the one’s that hit you so hard that you felt you couldn’t get back up again.

Those ones are the seizures, the shaking episodes, the fear of the unknown. The ones that quite literally scare you senseless and make you question what you did wrong to find yourself in such a predicament.

Like you I can relate to this and this is why I’ve chosen to write again, to get back onto the horse I thought I’d fallen off from and yet again make this tiny voice known in the big wide world that we call life.

Without boring you senseless nearly five years ago I underwent a monumental change in my life. I sepearated from my husband, moved into an entirely new home alone and got divorced all within eight months.

What I am about to say is not to shame anyone or to bad mouth or scrutinise any aspect of divorce or seperation this is to share my own personal story on the off chance it may help someone reading.

Prior to this change I’d gone six years seizure free of a grand mal seizure albeit the shakes were sill making an appearance health wise there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Being in victim mode I didn’t believe I deserved any light at that time however ran with it all the same.

The optimistic part of me knew that my epilepsy would always be there however knew it didn’t define me and that Epilepsy is a condition.

The day after my divorce papers were finalised I stood there papers in hand and within the hour had my first grande mal seizure in my living room and by gosh did that hit me hard.

Although life was changing it felt like one of my first seizures, feeling like a child helpless and scared.

To be brutally honest there was a part of me envisaged that I would have had seizures throughout this time considering it was such a change in one’s life however I kept telling myself I was ok.

Once the seizure was over I reiterated to myself that my body chose not to panic under the stress it chose to come at a time when the panic was over, the stress was starting to subside and my body was telling me that it was time to relax. It was my time, there was no need to worry.  Things were on the up.

I needed that release and my seizure was the only way (in my opinion) to tell me that I was doing ok. Not everyone will agree with that and I totally accept that however when it comes to Epilepsy it becomes a part of you and I cannot love each day hating it.

If I did I wouldn’t have a positive mindset, I wouldn’t get of bed on a morning, see life as an experience and I wouldn’t allow myself to overcome the mini victories that we accomplish daily, I’ll elaborate on those in another post.

This was also the first time to my knowledge I thought I experienced an aura. The smell of rotten eggs merged with some sort of fabric softener, no one else could smell it only me. It was a feeling like no other and a one that didn’t quite add up. Maybe this was my trigger, my first proper trigger.

Since then the fits have made a comeback averaging at one every four months however I choose not to be defeated.

Like Gabby explained in her quote I gave myself permission to feel both before and after that episode. I gave myself permission to accept that life was changing, I was getting older and that whatever I was facing was showing me something.

The decisions I made at 21 will differentiate from the ones I now make at 33 and I knew this.

I give myself permission to be happy, to start to be at one with myself and to start putting myself first. I urge you all to do the same.

In previous posts I’ve said that life is too short and those words never get old nor do they lose their meaning. Life is too short, you get one and that’s your wack so why sit here not giving yourself permission to feel, to express yourself, to be heard?

Whether you be going through a change in your life whether it be big or small it’s a change within itself.

Overanalysing gets you nowhere, worrying falls under the same category and pessimism is something that you see so many people choosing to be in this lifetime. That victim mentality. No. No more.

Epilepsy is not something we asked for. We search for answers only to feel non descript and misunderstood however the one thing I’ve taken from my 25 year journey with Epilepsy I know I’ll not get all my questions answered and you know what? That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Do I want to continue getting upset over things I can’t control? No. That’s why we’re all here to come together as a community to help one another.

I’ve come back for one reason and that’s to help.

To help through my own personal story and I sincerely hope that whoever or whenever you’re reading this that you know you don’t need validation or permission. Your triggers are yours, you are unique. You are unapologetically you.







Sunsets and reaching 30! 

‘Every sunset gives us one day less to live but every sunrise gives us one more day to hope, So always hope for the best’ – Anon. 

8th April 2015. That was the last day I blogged. It was the day where belief was there and I was in the zone. Things have dwindled and this post is not what you’re used to.

I’d like to thank you all for persevering with me, continuously  supporting Sazzle’s blog and sticking by me. 

Today I’ve decided that Sazzle’s blog must resume and that life must go on. 

Over the past seven months my life has changed somewhat and I would hope that upon reading this that you understand and respect my privacy to all involved therefore thank you all in advance and ask that all refrain from posting my private life onto social media. 

Eight months ago decisions were made to which my husband and I amicably separated, are currently going through a divorce leaving my cat Benny to live at the home where he belongs with my ex husband and for me to start a fresh in my new home.

My intention is not to bad mouth anyone as my ex husband has  supported me thoroughout myEpilepsy  journey and that’s the way it ought to be. It’s the way it should be. 
In situations like these I have chosen to briefly discuss my private life as that is my business but to elaborate on how it has effected my condition in order to spread awareness. 

In times such as the following my Epilepsy has been tried and tested with stress coming to the forefront and testing my endurance. 

The shakes have been overwhelming and I’ve had many bridges to cross, Many challenges ahead; and that’s normal. 

Stress at any time in your lifetime can take hold and make you see that life isn’t easy, that decisions have to be made to enable you to move forward and to see that when the shit hits the fan it can quite literally.. Hit the fan and make you wonder why you feel a certain way.

Over the past few months I’ve geared myself up to ending one decade and beginning another not because I’m not thankful or resentful but because I know there’s hope in every situation whether it revolves around my Epilepsy or not. 

As I read today’s quote I realise that as I look to each sunset that doors open and close in our lives to which some of the time we have no control.

 The same has applied with my shakes and emotions over the years. I have no control it’s operated however as I’ve said repeatedly attitude plays a major role to which I have to remain positive. 

My intention now is to continue doug what I’ve always done and that is to speed epilepsy awareness to the max by blogging about my own personal journey and supporting others.

Life ain’t easy it’s downright difficult and there’s bound to be obstacles you’d rather not face however it’s how you represent yourself is key. 

Life isn’t about scoring brownie points or comparing your own issues against another it’s about realising that every experience has it’s own merit and whether it be good or bad it’s an experience in itself that we all learn from.

On 5th June I became 30 years of age and looked at the past decade with smiles and acceptance. 

My Epilepsy has in the past made me question who I am and whether in times of need whether I’ll ever continue remaining positive to which I can say that I try. I try everyday. 

Hoping for the best is not a bad thing. It makes you see that life is for living, for loving and for sharing. You aren’t the only one with this quest we are all hoping for the same.

On a lighter note..

I’ve joined an exercise group at my local exercise studio to which I’m doing new exercises such as pound , bokwa and kettlebells. (If you ain’t seen any check them out on YouTube immediately and get involved!). 

It’s opened my eyes immensely to see that you are entitled to meet new people and break the barriers you set for yourself. That’s how you learn, it’s how you grow and learn new things.

See yourself as strong instead of weak and realise that you have a voice to which you can match anyone in that room as long as you have the right approach. 
As for new challenge work is work, I’m meeting up more with family and friends and realising that support is a round me always as it can be around you.

To conclude today’s post. It’s been too long since I’ve written a post to you guys.  Everyday we hope, we hope for a cure, we hope for more awareness to be spread but ultimately we repeatedly hope for that happier life. 

We are strong, we are resilient we are us. 

A little word called hope.. 

‘Pain is real, it comes, it goes but hope is just around the corner’- Sarah Dryden. 

As I sit in a world of wonder I look and see what is around me. Whether it be the Epilepsy or anything else hope is never too far behind. 

The mind is a powerful thing allowing all types of scenarios to dominate it. That’s when anger, upset and frustration to name a few enter the mind and make you worry beyond comprehension. There’s that moment when the doubt sinks in, the mind boggles and hope goes out the window. 

It doesn’t always have to be like that though does it? 

A couple of questions for you how many times do you feel deflated in a day? Do you see yourself as a failure because you’ve had a bout of seizures and don’t see any hope? What is it that makes you feel like this? 

Well I’ve asked myself the same question countless times over the past twenty one years only to come up with the same answer. Thinking along these lines doesn’t necessarily give you the answer you want it just makes you worry more. 

Upon diagnosis I saw no hope. There was this uncertainty as to whether I would be able to accept the Epilepsy card I’d been dealt and finally decipher where my life was heading. 

The pain was real it was visible on my body after a seizure, the bruises glaring me in the face, the bitten tongue after clamping down so hard whilst convulsing and the worry of when the next seizure would occur would take over. It was safe to say that psychologically I was struggling. 

I can openly admit this to you because in times of need we all need that assistance, that help to gather our thoughts, think positively and remember that Epilepsy is a condition. 

Epilepsy can play an active part in the way we think and conduct our daily tasks however I’m learning to realise that it isn’t the be all and end all. It can dampen the spirit but shouldn’t be allowed to damage the soul. 

It is a condition nothing more. We didn’t ask for it. It just made an appearance and had it’s say on our lives. We are all in the same boat sharing the same word that unites us all. Epilepsy. 

Many may disagree with those statements however I know after taking some time away to focus on myself that hope is always there on your shoulder waiting for the right time to pick you up when you’re feeling blue. 

I can be open with you all life has changed somewhat and as I approach the big 3 0 I see that my shaking episodes don’t define me they make me stronger. I’ve said this in the past. 

I’m not going to lie my shakes are rubbish at the time, they exhaust me and have worried me notoriously over the years however this is just who I am. They attempt to break me and have done a damn good job however that’s all they are. Shakes. 

Ultimately what I know is this.. Epilepsy aside life is about memories whether they be creating ones or reminiscing about times in your life where you knew you made a difference. It’s about laughter, understanding and knowing that you lived your life to the full at the time. 

Epilepsy can restrict you at times however shouldn’t stop you from making memories. 

Pain can come in all different forms and can be a bugger when it takes hold however pain doesn’t always last forever. 

My gran has repeatedly told me that time can be a great healer, it’ll never erase the pain completely however it can make you see how strong you can become. You just have to have hope. 

As for the remainder of my time away…

Time has been spent with my friends and family. They are the people that make you smile and keep you going on those off days. 

The sun has been out over the Easter period and it has been bloody marvellous. The drinks have been flowing and the chocolate Easter eggs.. Well… Not that many this year. Not that I’m complaining I got a pair of curtains instead! For those that are thinking ‘curtains?!’ Don’t ask! Ha!

Nutrition wise I say hearty meals that aren’t too fattening are the way forward. Fuller for longer and as long as I’m exercising regularly and are mindful of portion control then what the hell. Life’s too short to not reach for that extra spoonful of sweet potato mash! 

To conclude today’s post..

Don’t just go through the motions prioritise what’s important and stick with it. The seizures can pass, the pain is real but what is apparent is that attitude is everything. 

How you perceive yourself now can change if you want it to. Hope is a powerful word as without it what’s the point in ever wanting to change or accept who we are? Epilepsy effects so many and as I’ve said countless times you aren’t alone. Hope is the answer. 


‘She needed a hero so that’s what she became’- Anon. 

When you think of superheroes who do you automatically think of? Batman or superman? What about wonder woman do we ever think of her? 

I know we should include her into the mix because like the other two she too has a battle to fight, a journey to embark on and a point to prove. 

Instead of gadgets she uses her common sense to prevail and to prove to others how strong she really is. 

Me I look at women like her and although I totally adore her outfit think to myself that life is about fighting the good fight particularly when happiness is involved.

Lately my mind has been elsewhere, I too have had to travel on my own personal journey and reevaluate things in my life. 

As I approach 30 I see that instead of sitting here questioning where my life is going and worrying about other people’s perceptions of me that I need to take the advice of the ones that truly love me. That advice is to live my life not second guess it.

With Epilepsy unfortunately we do have obstacles that we’d rather not come up against. 

Along with the insecurities, the testing, the resting and the medication issues we have to apply a method of positivity in order to succeed and dare I say feel like we’re living a normal life.

Lately my shakes have stayed away for whatever reason. I don’t know if it’s because my body’s changing or whether it’s a lull that I wish would last forever and not be a part time measure.

 Whatever it is I choose not to complain particularly when there are millions of people in the world suffering who have their own concerns that they’d wish to erase. 

As I sit here this evening I look around me and wonder what life would be like without my epilepsy, without this optimism to want more for myself and to know deep down that bad times subside. Time is a great healer and acceptance is key.

Today is International womens day. 

Many may frown that we have a designated day to congratulate one another on our strengths however I feel that it’s essential to be proud of who you are,  to smile at the women that enlightened you and motivated you to get to this point. 

Whether you’re a mother, a wife, a girlfriend, sister, cousin, best friend of confidante you mean something to someone. You are a person who ought to be cherished. 

There are so many women whether it be motivational speakers, musicians family and friends both past and present they have all touched me in ways that wouldn’t do them justice because they mean so much. My heart is full thinking about them all. 

Without forgetting the gents in all this you too have a part to play and your support to us women whether we have a condition or not will never ever go unnoticed. 

Heroes are people that don’t have to wear the outfit to be a hero. Support is what makes a hero. Sharing love is another and aspiring to want more for the ones you love is what shows us how unique we can be.

As for the remainder of my few weeks away..

Exercise is back on track. My body has been feeling low thanks to the dreaded toncillitis but that too is recovering. 

Chocolate wise I’m a chocoholic through and through and as for my cooking skills well I’ll learn in time! 

To conclude today’s post. Be your own hero, don’t close up allow people into your life that will make you a happier and more fulfilled person. 

Realise we all have faults but that’s what makes us human. Epilepsy isn’t a threat, it’s a condition and a one everyday we fight… As heroes. 

The trust factor.

Learn to trust the journey, even when you do not understand it- Anon.

Trust. What’s all that about?

Why when that certain word is mentioned do we tend to go into that corner where you don’t know who to trust.

With me I’ve been an open book with a couple of closed chapters that maybe I’ve spilt a cup of coffee on. They’re the chapters you try to prise apart but end up tearing the pages.

I’ve been careful over the years to not offend anybody, to play along and to walk down other peoples paths completely shutting off my own.

When it comes to this it’s become apparent as I’ve got older that I allowed this to happen, that this was not the fault of others but an insecurity of mine that would regularly resurface.

Epilepsy in my opinion is like that little word we all know as trust.

We don’t quite trust our epilepsy as we don’t know what’s round the corner however what we do realise is that Epilepsy can make us insecure and feel in times of weakness that we can’t quite truly be ourselves.

I’d like to say that during my lifetime I allowed myself to not accept the journey I was on. From previous posts you can see that it was a struggle mentally.

Whether it be relationships, puberty, work experiences or my condition in general I couldn’t accept that each experience good or bad had it’s own shelf life, it stood for something and overall it was an experience that I could grow from.

I couldn’t allow myself to be me. I just looked at myself after a seizure or a shaking episode as worthless not valuing the people I trusted and being extremely cautious as to who I could trust.

Let’s just say there was a trust issue there. Maybe it was because I felt alone even though deep down I knew I’d never be alone.

Recently I’ve had to test my own strength.

My strength in character, my endurance when it come to a relatively angry shaking episode and the reassurance I had to give myself in order to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve watched many a person worry about others. Including myself I’ve watched people become vulnerable, hesitant, anxious and afraid of how others perceive them.

This is not necessarily a trait in your personality as such however what I think we all need to appreciate is that the people who love us, cherish us and value our opinion are the ones that should matter most.

Life is too short to sit and ponder.

It’s also too short to worry about the smaller things in life. If you can be a warrior when it comes to coping with your condition then why not be a warrior in every other aspect of your life? Don’t be cocky just be you.

It’s taken a while for me to write a blog post; this is partly down to me reevaluating my coping strategies with my condition so I can share my experiences with you all.

Epilepsy is hard and although I haven’t suffered a grand mal seizure now for over six years I know that my Epilepsy will never leave me and most certainly will not allow me to lose faith in myself. Maybe that’s the one positive thing about epilepsy. It allows me to trust myself, my instinct but most importantly my faith in the epilepsy community.

On a lighter note…

Healthy eating, exercise and everything that comes in between can be summed up in one word. Shit.

I’m preparing new meal plans as we speak, the exercise is taking a new turn and I’m as eager as ever to shake off those wobbly bits and say hello to some abs! Hell if I had them when I was a teenager then by gosh I’ll find them again even if I have to draw them on with a marker pen!

As for the rest of my life well you know me! Keep smiling!

To conclude today’s post. Believe, trust who you want to trust not who others recommend you should trust.

Acceptance is a key role. I say it consistently and I truly mean it. For you to accept you means that there are no comebacks because if you’re happy with you then who cares what others think?

Easier said than done I hear you all say however in time it will happen if you continue to believe.

See your life as a journey. A one that rivals the biggest rollercoaster in the world but ask yourself this why do you keep going on that rollercoaster?

My answer to that is because it’s all about the journey, you don’t have to understand it you just have to live it, However if you have the right people around you then they can make it all worthwhile. Xxx

Broken Crayons.

“Broken crayons still colour”- Anon.

I’ve chosen this quote for one reason and that’s because life is made of obstacles.

As you can probably see from my last post it’s been a while since I’ve blogged this is purely down to the fact that life gets in the way.

My condition can be an obstacle within itself that on occasion can prevent me from taking the necessary time to write to you all and spread the awareness that I long to do by writing Sazzle’s blog on a regular basis.

Over the past few weeks I’ve watched my shakes come in waves, make me question my ability and test my strength beyond comprehension.

My mind has worked ninety to the dozen however I refuse to be defeated and have decided that when it comes to my condition that remaining as stress free as I can; can assist the complications that Epilepsy usually brings however it can also give me that sense of certainty in an uncertain world.

As I read the quote above I realise that we don’t always have to have the perfect plan in order to succeed, that life throws up so many questions of which we cannot necessarily answer there and then and that irrespective of a condition you can still have a fulfilled life on the basis you adopt the right attitude.

Previous posts have suggested that my personal journey with Epilepsy wasn’t the smoothest and although I wasn’t frequently having seizures my mental frame of mind was the one that tested me the most.

Having that sense of not belonging because of a condition out of my control was something I didn’t want to come up against, merge that with growing up and in my opinion it was a recipe for disaster.

As I’ve grown older I’ve realised that I wasn’t the only one.

To me I felt like the broken crayon because I didn’t feel normal, apprehension would kick in and I would usually say to my family that “I’m making the best of a bad job”.

As I look back at the obstacles I thought I was facing I don’t hang my head in shame I analyse the person I once was and appreciate that life isn’t solely about consequence and sadness it’s about embracing the person you truly are, focusing on what you’re good at and not necessarily homing on the rougher times.

I was never a girl that necessarily coloured within the lines that was probably because I shook ninety to the dozen!

Instead of crying I decided that crying wasn’t getting me anywhere therefore decided that enough was enough and that a picture didn’t always have to be perfect in order to stand out. Being perfect was boring. It looked marvellous on the surface however the flaws made the picture what it was and that was mine.

Broken crayons are exactly the same, they aren’t shiny and new however they still make the prettiest patterns. Ironic as this may sound but I associate broken crayons with my journey with Epilepsy.

Many may question why.

Maybe it’s because we define normal as something that is perfect i.e. the perfect life, the trimmest physique, the perfect family, the perfect partner, the job that gives you the life you think you ought to be accustomed to… the list goes on.

What people don’t understand is that life isn’t perfect. In fact no one is.

As I’ve written numerous times before Epilepsy affects so many across the world that are fighting the fight they so long to say that they’ve finally won. Epilepsy is a condition that is not widely addressed and it’s such a shame that it isn’t.

Christmas time is approaching. Usually we relate Christmas to happier times a one with family however on the flip side many dread because there’s that feeling of being alone even though you’re not on your own.

I remember as a child praying that I wouldn’t have a seizure on Christmas day incase I ruined everyone’s Christmas. How wrong was I? You’re not ruining anything it cannot be helped and you know what?

People are there regardless for you therefore remain strong and when you’re feeling a little better have double the helpings of the Christmas lunch and sneak a couple of sweet treats in your pocket when no-ones looking. I know I’ve done that a fair few times!

As for the remainder of my week..

Finally some time to relax as Santa is coming down the chimney!

Now I don’t want that frown because you’re saying “How can she still believe in Santa when she’s 29 years old” well I have news for you there the day you stop believing in Santa is the day you stop believing in Christmas therefore one word of advice.. Keep believing!

Exercise wise my heart isn’t in it however instead of making that new years resolution and saying “Well I’ve got to eat healthier in the new year” I will say that I need to get my arse into gere and start exercising regularly.

When it comes to food 2015 will be about preparing meals in advance, freezing them and taking them out to prevent the snacking. No promises on the other hand will be made when it comes to my chocolate consumption. It shall be reduced but never forgotten.

To conclude today’s post….

In my opinion broken crayons are the best ones in the pack.

At first it frustrates you because they don’t all look the same however they are what they are because they’re different. They’re the first crayon you see and they’re the ones that scribble the best.

Whether it be Epilepsy or life in general we all have to be happy and go along the path that makes you happy.

The amount of times I’ve said that acceptance is key is beyond me. It’s about time I started taking my own advice and if you want to then by all means do. Never underestimate your strength because like that crayon you can still colour.

Average or Awesome?

“I’m not here to be average, I’m here to be awesome”- Anon.

Before I even begin I have to apologise for my lateness in writing a blog post.

After numerous issues surrounding health I thought I would get my arse into gere and write a blog post so here I am!

The quote above has been chosen for one reason and one reason only.

Average a word I’ve used for many a year and a word I would have quite happily accepted to be.

A word that gets you through a day, a one that is deemed acceptable after you’ve had a shitty day at work or a word that that you could be classed as appropriate to describe your mood after an epileptic episode.

Whatever context you use it in it can be classed as being quite regular, boring and demoralising. It can make you feel that you aren’t worthy enough and unfortunately that isn’t good enough.

Growing up with Epilepsy I classified myself as being average because to be anything could end up being my downfall. To build myself up so much without looking arrogant and falling at the first hurdle was something I was afraid of and unfortunately I wasn’t prepared to take that chance.

Looking at life in general there was this part of me that desperately wondered what was round the corner. The fear of the unknown had taken over.

Fearful of what Epilepsy had in store I decided to play it safe and use my condition like someone sitting on a pedestal waiting for something to happen.

After over fifteen years of this condition I knew change needed to come.

Twenty one years down the line I can now say that I needed to seek advice from Epilepsy support groups and merging their experience with the knowledge of my neurology, councillors and loved ones to appreciate that average shouldn’t be in my vocabulary. Awesome should be.

Lately I’ve watched my shakes come in waves to the point where they aren’t too detrimental to my thought pattern however have made me revert back to thoughts where that word “average” would come in and make me question who I am, what I represent and whether happiness is in fact key.

For me to be so negative should not even come into my mind however there are moments where I do feel this way.

Instead of beating myself up about it I need to dust myself off, prioritise and ensure that my happiness is the prominent feature in all this. Epilepsy is a condition that effects millions of people along with their loved ones and unfortunately cannot quite grasp who it’s hurting in it’s path.

On the flip side instead of putting myself into the average category I’ve decided that although we have these moments of uncertainty you have only one life therefore you should live it to the full. There are bound to be decisions you don’t want to make, destinations you’d rather not embark on and questions that will enter your head as to whether you can move forward however trust me you can.

Life is about a journey. A journey of up’s and downs.

When I hear the word awesome I see a strong person, a person that is willing to get up instead of staying down. A person that cares for the ones they love however are carefree about the negativity of others that tend to bring them down and to see that life is to be treasured. Under no circumstance must you ever feel that you’re “not awesome” because you are.

Epilepsy is a condition NOT an illness. We AREN’T epileptics we are individuals that suffer with Epilepsy. We are unique because we refuse to allow our daily battles to conquer us and we are adamant that at all costs we will remain strong.

As we approach the end of Epilepsy awareness month I have decided to re-evaluate what is in store for Saz.

By maintaining a positive outlook, by keeping my Epilepsy diary updated and addressing my issues is something that I know is required in order for me to move forward therefore that’s what I intend to do.

As for the remainder of my two weeks away..

Christmas is quickly approaching. The goose is getting fat and the thought of a delicious lunch isn’t half making my mouth water. I’m not a Christmas pudding fan however after reading the newspaper the other day to find an article relating to a potential “chocolate shortage” quite literally broke me into a cold sweat!

You may be able to take me away from chocolate but you’ll never take chocolate out of the girl. For approaching two years all I’ve bleated on about in this section is my love and even more love of chocolate. Now it could become a reality therefore I better stock up immediately!

Exercise wise I need to jump on it quick and fast! The dark nights are here and the last thing on my mind is exercise. Priorities include warm pyjamas, cups of milky tea and my Sex and the City boxset however as I know I will be devouring the chocolate roses I can find on the buildup to Christmas then I better get a move on, shake my stones and get on that Focus T25!

To conclude today’s post. What do you define yourself as? Are you average or are you awesome? We can go through life hoping. Hoping for a miracle, hoping for something or someone to make everything better however instead of dreaming let’s focus on reality. Focus on our good points and allow ourselves to be happy.

To be awesome isn’t about eradicating Epilepsy it’s about accepting it and we all do that in our own way and in our own time. To feel awesome is to be awesome so let’s do that now.

Flaws and all.

” Once you’ve accepted your flaws no one can use them against you”- Anon.

For those that are Beyoncé fans no I’m not going to break into the tune Flaws and all (A fabulous song by the way) however I’ve decided that writing about our flaws isn’t necessarily a bad thing. No sympathy involved just writing away.

Whether you document them for all to see, whether you choose to shout them out loud or whether you choose to have a little conversation with yourself there’s nothing the matter with accepting that you have flaws.

A big question though? What on earth are flaws? I mean did someone just randomly make up that word to sum up the word imperfection? Well whatever the weather we all have flaws.

A significant amount of individuals in the world today associate the word flaw with something that isn’t astatically pleasing such as their weight, their appearance, their sense of style, their health or the fact that they don’t fit in with the in crowd.

What I’ve noticed growing up is that people usually (I include myself in this sentence when I was younger) tend to attempt to be someone they’re not i.e. putting on a front to mask the insecurity you have.

There will be a few of you reading this thinking that what I’ve just said couldn’t be farther from the truth and maybe you’re right however when it comes to our flaws they tend to be something that we mask in order to erase the true concerns glaring us in the face. Flaws can overwhelm us especially when you approach the situation and worry that discussing that flaw with a third party can be dismissed and brushed to one side.

With me there are various emotions I’ve had when addressing what I perceive to be my flaws.

First and foremost I was never a person that put on a significant amount of weight.

As you well know I’ve always been a sweet tooth chocolate was my be all and end all. I drank fizzy drinks like they were going out of fashion and I never had any form of dental work done in the process.

I studied hard at school, would prance about dancing around looking like I didn’t have a care in the world and family were my everything.

Many would be overjoyed with that however to me it wasn’t enough.

I was concerned about my appearance, about the way I was perceived to others and whether I was constantly “Doing the right thing” .

I would come across as a girl with a bubbly personality however a one striving to be caring about the ones I loved however carefree about all anything that was irrelevant in my life.

As I look back I see a young girl lost on occasion. This thought pattern would get me down because it felt like I was overcompensating my personality to be something I wasn’t on a daily basis. This was of my own making. This I’ve realised has taken time and a hell of a lot of conversations with councillors along my nearest and dearest to eventually tackle.

Upon receiving my Epilepsy diagnosis many moons ago this worry would be magnified.

This worry about my personality would be enhanced because now with my Epilepsy in my mix questions would crop up particularly when my behaviour was concerned. Questions such as what would people think about my condition , would telling my friends about my Epilepsy result in my friendships taking a knock, whether I should be what others wanted me to be to get ahead or bare my flaws for all to see.

My family loved me for who I was therefore why couldn’t I?

This is the thing with flaws you get yourself in a muddle however what is apparent in all flaws is that you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have them. It’s like making mistakes you’re only human. To this day I would possibly say that my flaws have altered as the years have gone by.

To name a few my inconsistency when having group conversations by adding as much content as possible into the conversation incase I forget, the taking on different voices to represent others when I talk or the whittering on about random things is just a part of me.

Instead of constantly trying to change who I am I’m learning to embrace what I am and that’s a person that likes to have a plan, a person that wants to give her all into everything she does and a person that knows in time that the mini victories I set for myself will eventually be achieved. This all comes with acceptance and experience.

Why be a person that wants everything yesterday? Why not save some for tomorrow or the day after, or the day after that?

If you were perfect life would be pretty mundane and downright boring because no goals would need to set, the pitfalls that make you a stronger person would never come and the want to be a better person would never be achieved. Life is about more knocks than successes and to rise above is a truly remarkable thing particularly when our Epilepsy is concerned.

As for the remainder of the two weeks..

The family’s all good. Benny well that Cat makes me laugh on a regular basis. If his paws aren’t parked on the chair, they’re parked on the beanbag or on the upstairs sofa bed. That cat is literally everywhere. He eats me out of house and home, he meows for England and bringing in field mice are becoming a regular thing.

He’s worse than a small child. Biased as I may be he’s an adorable boy and a one that doesn’t half make his mam proud.

My usual Saz ritual of eating healthy and exercising regularly has well and truly gone out of the window. After giving myself a long talking to this morning I have decided that the only way forward is to concentrate on my exercise, my healthy eating and general wellbeing. The house is stocked with all things healthy and the T25 is recommencing tomorrow evening. I cannot wait to get back up and crack on!

No other news to share but you know me I love to talk therefore any further findings will be shared as and when.

To conclude today’s post. Accepting your flaws is something that takes time, it’s not as simple as clicking those fingers and off they go. As the quote says you accept you and there’s no comeback worthy of any tears when they’re thrown. If you can appreciate who you are then who cares about what others think of you.

The morale of this post is if people don’t like you then fuck them they aren’t in your shoes and you cannot go on living life trying to accommodate others.

People come, people go and unfortunately when it comes to any condition we strive to be better and stronger that’s what gets us out of bed on a morning. That should be what we should hold onto not the worries of others. It’s what my family would call the walk of life.

There are bound to be things that you want to amend however some things cannot be altered and that’s when acceptance should come into play, just like there are bound to be people who either see you as a threat or are jealous of you.

What is unique is that we all have a life to live, a story to tell and a gimmick to share.

You are who you are and that should be enough. If you feel there’s an element of your life that needs to be changed then evaluate what changes need to occur and on the benefit you’re not hurting others then do it.

Life is too short to be worried about things that aren’t relevant. You need to put you first so start doing it flaws and all.

Live in the moment.

“Live in the moment. Forget the past and don’t concern yourself with the future” Anon.

A short post this evening…

I’ve seen this quote tonight and automatically think of the think of the saying I’ve once said myself that’s to forget about the past, focus on the present and to not think about the future as it’s yet to be written.

As I sit here writing this blog post I think about this evening’s quote and what it should represent. I sit and wonder whether it’s best to live in the moment or whether living in the past ever equates to anything.

As I sit this Saturday evening after finishing a short stint at work I wonder. What is it all about? Why do we concern ourselves with the past? Why can’t we forget the past?

Why can’t we leave the past with where it ought to be left alone? I’ve raised this before however many have asked therefore I’ll mention it again.

I think when it comes to Epilepsy it’s solely because we tend to associate ourselves with our past and usually with the various Epileptic episodes we’ve had.

It’s that feeling of I don’t want to feel that way again therefore how can I prevent it? Look into the past for a better experience perhaps?

This evening I wonder what it’s like to live in the moment and whether we can ever leave the past where it ought to be in the past.

Many may question why I have raised this question however I think it’s because we tend to consider our current lives to be based upon past events.

Whether it be your condition, an insecurity or a worry about a past event we tend to drift there. Into a place we wonder we can ever eradicate. A place where we don’t feel 100%. It’s a worrying prospect.

When I was younger I would think about Epilepsy and wonder whether I’d ever be able to accept it. Whether I would ever be able to embrace the condition I had and be the person I aspired to be.

Twenty one years later I’m getting there slowly but surely I know there’s a person inside of you that we all aspire to be that’s a person who’s confident, worry free and less concerned about the little worries beneath us.

The thing is is that Epilepsy can worry us, it can scare us on occasion and make us question who we really are. It can worry us beyond belief to make us not believe in the moment and make us question what is right within our lives such as what is right, who we can trust and who we can be associated with.

Throughout the seizures and the shaky bouts I have questioned who Saz really is. There have been moments however the more I think the more I think about who I represent, what I want and instead of Epilepsy dominating my life what makes Saz happy. The same rules apply to you.

You cannot prevent what’s happening however trying to remain positive during your process can be a comforting thing and a positive thing at that therefore hold onto it and embrace the moments you have.

As for the remainder of the week.. The shakes are testing my patience however endurance is key. I’m remaining strong, keeping a log of my shakes activity and keeping a level head. No seizures have occurred, the shakes are worrying but I’m keeping a record and remaining strong.

Exercise wise all’s good as is the diet.. apart from the curry and chips each Friday and the wine of a weekend. There’s no point in lying to you guys. All in moderation.

To conclude.. Tonight has been a short post however a one that required no in depth analysis. All I can say is live in the moment. Does what makes you happy and be who you wanna be. Stop worrying and concentrate on the person you want to be. There’s only one you therefore live it, be sensible however do what’s right, what keeps you going and what ensures you live in the moment. You have on life therefore live it.

Apologies. Yay or nay?

“Make no apologies for your personality”- Anon.

I’ve chosen this quote for one reason and one reason only. That’s for you to just be yourself.

After looking through various material this morning I stumbled across this quote and you know what I just liked it. There was no hidden agenda I thought yep this’ll go well and decided to write away.

What comes to mind when you think of people, life and just general wellbeing?

There’s the things that niggle us, the things that frustrate us but most importantly it’s the grievance we have within ourselves about what we bestow on ourselves. This can on occasion turn into the whole “Let’s do what everyone else wants us to do” statement.

Let’s all be a sheep and do what everyone else wants to do. Let’s all look the same, act the same, be the same. How bland eh?

For as long as I can remember there has always been THAT person that’ll to put it bluntly “Have their say” it doesn’t make a difference whether it’s positive, negative, constructive whatever the circumstance there will be a person that you will come across in some stage in your life that’ll have that say, whatever they say is final and you’ll never get that apology if they’re in the wrong.

People like that used to well and truly piss me off to the point where I would think is it any of your business what you think of me? Who are you to point the finger, surely your life isn’t perfect? On the flip side I’d be like Have I done something wrong and how can I make this right?

Recently I’ve been reading material about people’s psychological attachment to their lifelong conditions (Epilepsy included) and how their past and present can have an impact on their personality that by extension can effect how they treat others.

There are the fair few that are introverted not saying boo to a goose preferring to keep themselves to themselves. Then you’ve got the extroverts that make damn sure their presence is known in the room and then you’ve got the one’s in between that are happy to mosey on sharing their opinion at the appropriate times.

The big question is what happens when you don’t fall into those three categories? What do you do? What way should you react?

When I was diagnosed with Epilepsy back in the nineties I felt this urge to apologise to people after I’d had a seizure, a shaking episode, a medication lapse you name it. This was my mind wanting to make sure everyone was fine considering I’d just put them through this situation.

Feeling fragile and a tad deflated I would get angry at the people that would repeatedly have their say without any care, would be wondering why the introverted people preferred not to share their opinion and so desperately wanted to be the person in the middle that contributed by being open however knew when to hold back whilst not giving a toss about what people thought of them.

The biggest hurdle I came across was when I was fourteen sitting in an Epilepsy support group at my nearby doctors clinic discussing various types of seizures and thought patterns each patient would come across. These sessions would usually last about eight weeks. On hand would be a councillor, a neurologist and a nurse.

Along with their thoughts would be the opinions of others (mainly family and friends) that chose to come along to the sessions to offer their support.

Taking my mind back the first image that comes to mind is this same woman usually dressed in black with a mouth on her like a Rottweiler chuntering on about the same old bollocks and passing it off as support for her niece.

Within the group this young lady (same age as me that suffered from absent seizures since birth) was explaining to the group what her Epilepsy diary entailed, the amount of seizures she had and the worry she was enduring every time a seizure arose.

Engrossed in her journey I would sit there listening before asking about how she coped and how she found that inner strength to remain happy even though she was having an average of six seizures a week. We bonded immediately, became friends and started chatting about clothes, music and just the usual things teenage girls chat about.

Within five minutes of my friend opening her mouth her Auntie would belittle her because her personality supposedly shone above that of her niece. She had to be right, end of. It was her way or the highway.

She knew what was best for her niece and she’d be damned if anyone got in her way. Nothing her niece would describe was good enough and to be frank I could feel myself getting more and more agitated watching her try to overcome her Auntie’s criticism.

What I fancied like shouting (amongst other things) was “Who the hell do you think you are, let your niece talk, how the hell do you know what she’s going through you ignorant bitch! If you loved your niece you’d just shut up” Immediately I felt bad for allowing myself to feel so negatively towards someone I didn’t know on a personal level however I couldn’t help it. I was protective.

As the weeks progressed and the sessions became less frequent I could see my friend becoming more and more resentful towards her Auntie before one day on our penultimate session my friend snapped walked out the room, gave her auntie what for and actually had a voice.

Immediately I along with others in the session stood up and clapped so loudly because finally our friend had realised enough was enough and that she no longer had to apologise for being a certain way. Ignorance was shown the door and I was overjoyed.

Due to her Auntie constantly pressuring her to be something she wasn’t she decided that she was no longer going to apologise for her personality. She wasn’t going to be a wallflower anymore. She’d broken free from what others expected her to be and decided that she was going to dig deep and let her personality shine for the first time.

As we approach Epilepsy awareness month I tend to take a little step back and digest how grand a scale awareness should be before I start writing. Epilepsy awareness month isn’t just about educating others. It’s about educating yourself.

It’s about seeing how important it is to write your blog posts, retweet a message you’ve seen about awareness or just to have a chat with someone about Epilepsy as a whole.

Whether you suffer from Epilepsy or not you’re bound to come across people in life that’ll never fully understand your personality and why should they? You’re allowed to be unique.

As long as you’re not breaking the law and repeatedly acting like an arsehole then you’re allowed to have your say on the basis you take on board the criticism you dish to others you’re prepared to get back in return.

It takes a lot to apologise. It also takes a lot to accept an apology but what is certain is that you can rise above and be who you want to be.

As for the rest of the week..

Work, Work and more work. Exercise is going rather well and as for the food if I eat any more vegetables I will burst! Chocolate wise that’s still a part of my life however as I’ve now reduced the coffee intake then I can stop relying on caffeine to live life and to focus on happiness instead.

To conclude today’s post.

Don’t apologise for being yourself. Apologise when you know you’ve done something wrong but don’t lose that fight inside of you. That doesn’t achieve anything.