From a father’s perspective..

“My kids are my heart and soul. They will always be my babies even when they grow old”- Anon.

Many may question why I’ve chosen today’s quote as I have no children of my own however I think the title pretty much gives the game away. This post may not resemble previous one’s I’ve written because this time this post is based on my father’s perspective and not just my own.

This post is dedicated to him and all the father’s out there who have chosen to be the rock for their children, who make their child’s condition their own to take the strain off them growing up.

Ever since I was born my father and I have had a relationship that couldn’t be broken. I was an only child and a one that looked up to my dad.

No matter the circumstance my dad and I refuse to allow petty concerns to interfere with the bond we have and I am extremely fortunate to call him my father.

My dad was to become a father at the age of 25 and after a relationship breakdown with my mam the two of us became inseparable not allowing their breakup to prevent us from having a relationship.

To this day we speak on the phone regularly, waffle about the same old rubbish but have a laugh in the process.

Those who have read Sazzle’s blog from the beginning will be aware of the relationship my parents and I both have irrespective of separating 25 years ago. Some in the past outside of reading my blog have called their relationship “odd” as they are still extremely close, to me it’s all I know. They say age brings experience and in their case this is so true.

Every Saturday my dad and I make it a priority to go out for a couple of hours, walk arm in arm talking a load of bollocks, have numerous cups of tea and maybe buy a sneaky purchase that no doubt my mam will pick up on later on when she pops round. In doing so she’ll look at us both saying “Have you been treating her again?” to which my dad will smile and I will respond with a cheeky wink.

Since being diagnosed with Epilepsy at eight years old my dad’s behaviour has changed entirely over the past 20 years with him wanting to protect his daughter over and above the norm incase the inevitable happens.

Like a child learning to read and write my dad has made the effort over my lifetime to learn about Epilepsy and to assist others in his quest. Let’s just say my dad is the person who wipes away my worries and gives me that hope in times of sorrow.

Having a seizure in front of my dad has been described as “one of the worst experiences he’s ever had” and one that my dad describes as making him feel helpless however something that gives him the elusive strength to want to protect his daughter with everything he has. A feeling that makes him wonder why and how Epilepsy has entered his child’s life and why as a father he cannot stop this from happening.

Watching the aftermath of my dad’s behaviour following a seizure I’ve had for me has to be the worst.

Watching my dad vomit because he’s afraid his daughter is afraid, seeing a six foot man shake like a leaf at the prospect of his child being unresponsive is a daunting prospect and one my dad always says isn’t my fault. I have Epilepsy and he has to accept this.

Following previous conversations with my dad he has always said that you cannot prepare for what you’re about to witness. What is certain is that you wish you could take away that worry from your child’s shoulders and put it onto your own. It’s a father’s prerogative to remove the bad from their child’s life and to protect them with everything you have.

To him he is immensely proud and to him in times of my weakness he has said that strength will prevail and that’s exactly what I’m showing him. Although I don’t necessarily see this within myself he knows it’s there.

Whether it be a seizure, a shaky bout or a moment of anxiety my dad is never more than a phone call away.

Within 15 minutes of an episode happening there he is entering onto a hospital ward or into my home for a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek. There he comes standing tall bar of chocolate in his hand and a couple of wise words for his daughter that usually consist of “Stay strong” or “You’re doing great sweetheart, you make your dad so proud”.

Let’s just say it’s my dad’s way of coping and providing me with the recognition I require when I’m down.

This is why I love my dad because I know my dad has been there from day one. There are many people out there who don’t get this opportunity and who over time have watched their father’s neglect the one thing that should be precious to them that being you.

Unfortunately when it comes to Epilepsy our family members go unnoticed. People perceive Epilepsy as solely effecting the individual having an Epileptic episode however this couldn’t be any farther from the truth. When it comes to our condition it’s the people who provide the support who should be recognised.

It’s not all about feeling down in the dumps it’s about understanding that Epilepsy is far greater than seizures. It’s a lifelong change and a one that takes time and perseverance to accept.

As for the remainder of the week…

Food wise out comes my fitness pal app on my iphome, my davina fitin15 dvd (yet again) and my healthy cookbooks as I have officially put on 5lbs and I’m not impressed. Let’s just say I don’t think the chocolate cake I had at work last Friday has helped matters however as beautiful as that tasted my arse is getting bigger so that’s it!

Healthy Saz here I come. I’ve decided smaller portions, yoga, and drinking plenty of water must be incorporated into my new regime.

As for my yankee candle obsession well I now have approximately 25 jars that’s NOT including votives and wax tarts. I never thought I would love candles as much but I think I’ve surprised myself (and my bank balance) somehow!

To conclude today’s post.

I love you dad and everything you have given me over the past 28 years. You are a wonderful man and a one that inspires me everyday. You’re love, devotion and wit has given me the hope to want to move forward and accept myself for who I am not my condition. You have taught me how to be a positive person so I can pass this onto others which I hope I’m carrying out.

You have made me appreciate that the mini victories in life should be treasured and getting back up clearly outweighs staying down. You may be a shit gambler but you’re mine.

As for the other dad’s reading this. You don’t know how valuable you are in our lives. You make us smile, you get on our nerves at times but we wouldn’t have you any other way. Thanks for always being there.

Family is so important. It doesn’t matter how old you are they’ll always be your children and your parents are usually the ones who provide you with the soundest advice because they have your best interests at heart.

Let’s raise a glass and toast to family.. without you what are we?

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Crossing paths and Valentine day thoughts.

“You don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our paths for a reason”- Unknown.

Right well I think this quote has pretty much summed up today’s entire blog post in one sentence. Need I continue?

I think today is truly about acceptance and coming to terms with who we are and represent.

Many of you reading this will think to yourselves that I have covered this topic on more than one occasion however I feel that if I keep on saying certain things regularly that these words will eventually sink in and make you see how much you’re loved.

Let’s just say the shit we were once prepared to put up with is deemed as a distant memory because priorities change, events happen that are out of our control and we start to notice that we’re growing into ourselves that bit more. Instead of playing second fiddle to everyone else’s life it’s about stepping up and taking control of your own. Leave negativity where it ought to be, At the door.

Since writing Sazzle’s blog I’ve been given the opportunity to speak with all of you who have given me that second chance and have made me accept the condition I so longed to do. The people I’ve had the pleasure to speak to have made me see that Epilepsy shouldn’t be a burden it’s a part of me therefore I need to try to cope in a different way to what I once did and to incorporate positivity into my life.

Epilepsy to me was a condition that I never fully understood. I didn’t mind exchanging thoughts with people who asked about it however whenever discussed had that wishy washy feeling of how can I change this?

What can I do to make myself accept who I am? To this day I care about what I was diagnosed with however cannot keep crying over a condition that has been with me for the majority of my life therefore I made a lifelong choice to identify trends and to seek help. Instead of wallowing in self pity change was needed therefore I sought additional support, contacted Epilepsy support groups, started writing and receiving advice from all of you.

The path I once chose was one that would lead to destruction and would result in me feeling down and not feeling worthy. After a seizure closing that door would feel like I was closing a chapter in my life however it was completely the opposite because I wasn’t facing with what I had. It was like a ticking time bomb waiting for the next episode to happen and hoping it would be less severe than the last.

At one stage I was sick of crying worrying frequently about the seizures, the shakes and all the side effects in between. As much as Epilepsy isn’t my favourite appetiser there’s nothing I can do to prevent it other than change my attitude towards it and go down an alternative route a one of happiness, hope and pride because as you are all aware an episode can dent our pride therefore when do we stop allowing it to?

A question for you.

Can we ever prevent Epilepsy from causing damage? The answer to that I hope is yes. I say this because after seeing the strength in all of you it’s plain to see that we unanimous in our quest for a cure fighting this condition together, supporting one another in ways we deemed impossible.

I have been informed by many of you that St Valentine was the patron saint of Epilepsy therefore it’s only right (albeit it a little late) to say a very Happy valentines day and pass my love onto the 65 million people along with their families on this day. There’s no such thing as losing therefore let’s keep going.

On a lighter note..

Talking about Valentine’s day well.. I have to be honest I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s day. Each to their own I say.

You can tell Valentines day’s coming because come 2nd January all card retailers get out their banners, their cards, presents etc and start preparing for Valentine’s day celebrations in which people feel obliged to spend an arm and a leg on their partner to show them how much they love them.

For people who don’t get a valentine’s day card or present tend to take the huff and then the big argument comes along as to how much they’re valued and whether their relationship will stand the test of time. I’ve seen this happen in the past hell I think when I was about fifteen I was one of them. How childish eh?

Now I can’t help but say this but I think it’s a big con if I’m brutally honest. I’m a sucker for romance don’t get me wrong. Ranging from Mr Darcy coming out the lake in Pride & Prejudice to Bridget eventually getting her man in Bridget Jones Diary it’s all good. I adore my period dramas and will for a happy ending however I cannot be arsed with the whole valentine’s affair.

Maybe it was because the following happened growing up. I know this is going to come out wrong so apologises in advance..

Now I’m not saying I’m the most attractive or popular person far from it however growing up the couple of boys I was in relationship with felt the urge to buy me a box of Milk tray chocolates on valentines day. You can tell they were from the year before because they had dust on them due to them sitting in a warehouse from the year previous.

Now I know it’s the thought that counts and with open arms I would have a booming smile on my face however for fucks sake man this particular girl doesn’t love milk tray she loves Galaxy chocolate! If you loved me you’d know this!!

My husband and I do the usual every year. We sometimes buy each other a card and treat ourselves to a bag of fish and chips, a bottle of wine and have a good old chinwag about the day.

We don’t sit there oohing and ahhing over each other we just appreciate each other’s company and have a good laugh in the process.

I married my husband for who he is not to tell him I love him repeatedly on Valentines day. I know how much he appreciates me and the sacrifices we have both made for one another over the past six years. I don’t need cupids bow to show me this nor do I need a dwindling bank balance to show that either. If someone loves you they love you for you end of.

Exercise it needs to be stepped up a notch I’ve felt myself go downhill over the past week. As for the food aspect of this post well I think I’ve just dropped myself in it by saying I’ve had fish and chips!

To conclude today’s post. Value yourself, surround yourself with the people who make you smile and don’t allow others to write an ending to your story. We all have moments and we all at times feel alone however that’s not what life’s all about. Meeting new people can only be a good thing as it opens doors for new opportunities and lifelong friendships. Do what makes you happy.

Feeling like we are in the middle of nowhere.

“Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself”-Anon.

Till a year ago I never knew myself. I allowed myself to be dominated by a condition. A one where although shaking episodes were there I had been seizure free for 4 years at the time.

Tonight I find myself gravitating towards my laptop to quickly write a post while I have these thoughts in my mind. After spending a rather relaxing night in with my better half I cannot help myself writing to enable me to release the thoughts entering my mind.

The quote above has been chosen as I find that on many occasion I feel like I’m in the middle of nowhere and although I intend to be happy, content and as free spirited as I can be I cannot help myself at times and become very regimented when it comes to not only my medication but the way I am in myself.

Whether it be the time I get to work, from the moment I have lunch to the time I go to bed my routine can be very regimented and if I break routine particularly when a shake arises it can feel like the whole world is caving in. There’s no explanation as to why it just does.

When I was younger it felt like I was on this continuous quest to decipher what was the matter and how I could help myself. Looking back I know that my Epilepsy couldn’t be prevented however the way I handled certain things could have been. There comes a stage in life where you feel like there’s nothing left to analyse and that you have to live life the only way you know how. If shit happens, it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t.

Today whilst out on my usual Saturday jaunt with my dad it dawned on me how important our Saturday’s are together and how as a family unit we combine our thoughts to help one another in good times and in bad.

During the course of the day we swear, reminisce and gamble but to be honest I wouldn’t have it any other way as my dad understands me on a completely different level. My dad appreciates that I have to indoctrinate my condition into my life and how there’s a fine balance between living my life and balancing out my condition in times where I feel weak.

Although I have a rather large personality there is a part of me that has (particularly when I was younger) been very insecure wondering why I wasn’t similar to everyone else.

Let’s just say I was Charlie from Charlie and the chocolate factory looking for that golden ticket to bounce me out of the situation I was in and elevate me into a different world; a one that consisted of no neurologist appointments, sleeping to build my strength from having a seizure and a one that didn’t revolve around anti epileptic drugs.

As I’ve grown older I’ve grown to appreciate that these drugs I’ve only dreamt of removing from my life keep me sane, keep me seizure free and what at the back of my mind subconsciously keep me strong in times of weakness.

What I have felt is that in times of seizures, shaking episodes and anxiety is that we all have times of darkness in which we feel like whatever road we go down that it may lead to nowhere however that road must go somewhere. Surely it cannot just stop.

In my case the worry of convulsing would take over at times and it would take a lot for me to want to leave the house after a seizure had arisen. The one thing that I’ve managed to take away from all this is that I didn’t want my seizures to define me. I wanted me to do that of my own accord without my condition getting in the way.

I wanted people to know me for me and not just for my Epilepsy. I wanted individuals to know me for not being the Epileptic or the girl that was unwell but as Saz the bubbly, vivacious yet guarded character. The friend to all.

When it comes to looking at yourself as a whole it’s made me see that life is what you make of it. Whoever you feel you are you are.

Whatever characteristic people perceive you to being let them because you know who you are. We all have insecurities in life and in my case my Epilepsy was one of them.

The not feeling good enough, the worrying as to whether I’d ever materialise into something and the hope that one day I would be able to accept what I have that being my Epilepsy was something I never dreamt possible.

I understand there’s hope now however when I was younger there was no such thing as the yellow brick road. To me it couldn’t be any farther in the distance.

After twenty years of worrying I can officially say that I’m gradually getting there and that worry is no longer the top priority.

I learnt to write down my thoughts and to train my mind to see that there’s more to life that worry. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments however know that worrying gets me nowhere in fact it makes me introverted and not the person know and respect.

The hope is still apparent and the worry is subsiding. The medication has reduced but the Epilepsy is still there. Irrespective of these worries I that as long as I continue in the way I am that things can only get better and if they get worse then I cross that bridge when I come to it. The same applies with you all that’s why we help one another to raise awareness and to advise others that support is required.

As for the remainder of the week…

The diet has gone tits up. Chocolate has dawned it’s ugly face and I tucked into fish and chips this evening. Although a Saturday night treat my body has been feeling well and truly bloated and as unladylike as it sounds I cannot stop farting. I mean maybe a little too much to share with you all but that’s what my fish and chip delight can do for you therefore onwards and upwards tomorrow morning.

Exercise wise this is going extremely well. No pain no gain that’s what I say therefore the food aspect of the healthy eating regime needs to be stepped up a notch.

As for the family well although they are tremendous my bank balance isn’t. Adam and Benny are being typical boys watching the football together. Instead of drinking beer Benny is into drinking the dregs of my tea (cold undrank tea from my mug) not something I’m impressed with but something that ihe’s trying to mimic from my husband much to my our dismay.

The yankee candle obsession has reached new heights and if you’re fortunate enough (hehe) to follow me on instagram then you can see that I’m now sending scents of the day. Today a child’s wish is being burned. Two candles and an illumalid for £28 were bought today however I managed to get them for £18!

As I’d spent so much and was now in a position to get a £10 voucher my Saturday purchases was £10 cheaper. Happy days. This girl is officially smiling.

To conclude today’s post.. Well so much for the small blog post. What I’ve realised today is that people change, the feelings towards our condition change and the person we are changes on a daily basis. Whether this be down to health, worry or happiness our mood alters regularly and there’s nothing the matter with that.

We can sit here wondering whether we are on the path to nowhere however as long as we know in ourselves what we want, we stand together and fight and remain positive then why should we feel like we are on the road to nowhere? Life is too short to sit there wondering therefore be happy and live you’re life the way you want, not what people want from you.

Epilepsy vs the world.

” Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing, it was here first”- Mark Twain.

I’ve chosen this quote above for a reason.

Many may deem this quote as controversial and maybe a post that many may not agree with however I’d like to think that each and every one of you reading understands that everyone goes through life struggles and everyone is entitled to an opinion.

Since writing Sazzle’s blog I’ve touched on many a subject and explained thoroughly how Epilepsy has made an impact on my life and how over the past year I’ve got a clearer understanding of how it effects yours.

Since being diagnosed I’ve watched my life go in a similar direction till I hit a certain age with the odd pothole that I’d fall into without any warning.

Everyone as they go through life has experiences that they wish to amend and if given the chance would prefer to go back and change however unfortunately you cannot change the past you can however try to ensure the same mistakes aren’t made again.

Like many conditions Epilepsy is a one that is extremely complex and one that over time has caused quite a stir because not everyone understands what Epilepsy is and how much of an effect it has not only on the life of the individual but the people closest to them supporting them throughout.

Overall it’s safe to say that Epilepsy is a condition that can be an absolute shitter causing not only confusion but frustration at the fact you have literally no control and can result in you feeling deflated on many occasion.

Over the years my emotional connection with Epilepsy has changed somewhat and as I’ve grown older I’ve grown to appreciate that although my problems are personal to me that there’s always someone worse off than you. I have therefore made the conscious decision that in times of deflation to try my hardest to get back on the horse and to carry on with life as normal because that’s what life’s all about.

If life didn’t have that element of complexity in it then life would be pretty boring. Under no circumstance am I saying that Epilepsy is something that I’m jumping up and down with happiness about however I’ve grown into the person I am trying to be and am noticing that Epilepsy is a part of me as it’s a part of you.

When I was younger I was taught that work, perseverance and respect were the three pivotal words to getting on in life.

It was about knowing within yourself that you’ve trying your hardest whatever the circumstance and that the world doesn’t owe you a living, you owe that to yourself. This is one thing about life that I don’t quite understand within certain people.

Whilst reading an article this week it dawned on me that society has changed so much over the years and that there are a vast amount of people out there that believe they are entitled to everything that the world has to offer without putting the effort and that incenses me.

I’m not saying that people aren’t allowed to have their say however there comes a stage in life where we have to take responsibility for our own actions and if we aren’t prepared to try then why should we be rewarded? Battles were never won without continued effort irrespective of knock backs.

Maybe I sound unreasonable for saying what I’ve just said however my parents didn’t bring me up with attitude therefore I can’t quite understand why others think this way.

When it came to my Epilepsy I had moments where I’d change into that person I’ve mentioned above and looking back it was childish and immature. Although at times I wanted to quit it would dawn on me that there are others out there who have nothing, who refuse to be defeated and who accept life for what it is.

Let me tell you a little story about a past memory and one that has stuck with me ever since.

When I was twelve I was taken into hospital after having a grand mal seizure. My arms and legs had the usual bruising from landing in my bedroom and although I was coming out of my seizure I was still a little disorientated. I did however manage to see what surrounded me.

Waiting to be seen by the doctor I sat in the children’s waiting room at A&E watching everyone around me.

Adults coming in drunk and saying that they needed to be seen urgently and causing sheer mayhem and then beside me there was a young boy (who must have been a couple of years younger than me at the time) hairless, frail and shaking uncontrollably. His mother had her arms around him to calm him down and from the conversation he was having with my mother it had come to light that he had cancer and was undergoing treatment.

The smile was evident on his face and although he was suffering he still cracked a smile.

Compared to the drunken tosser blaring in the background he didn’t kick up any fuss, his mother remained relaxed and it was all this young boy had ever known. I remember sitting there thinking to myself that this child was so strong, his smile lit up the entire room and he waited patiently till he was called by the nurse.

In comparison the adult was the one who was childish, the one who wanted the world to owe him a living and the one who should have taken responsibility for his own actions instead of burdening everyone else with this tone. It put into perspective to me that your attitude is what defines you at the time.

When I was in my teens I felt like I wanted to tell the world to fuck off and leave me alone particularly when my seizures returned.

I wanted to shut my door and I didn’t want people to see my condition for what it was, for what it was turning me into when I was alone but the worst part was that that I was afraid and worried about being stigmatised because of my condition. I would tell people about my Epilepsy and smile however I didn’t want to burden the family with this. All I wanted to do was hope on the off chance I’d grow out of Epilepsy and never have to look back.

After long discussions with family members, friends and support groups I decided to give my head a shake and try my best to live life the way I could. I’m not whiter than white and I know it’s not as simple to change however you are allowed to be happy if you want to be.

As you are all aware I have been one of those people who at a specific stage of her life questioned beyond belief why I was the way I was. The answer to that is simple.

I was a young woman trying to find her feet with a condition that 65 million people now have and have to deal with on a daily basis. There’s no point in sugar coating it, beating myself up about it and arguing the toss with others because that’s the way it is and that’s who I am.

To me I’ve had a mind-set that the majority of the time things happen for a reason and that the plus point in all of this is whether you have been knocked down by illness or whether a certain situation has thrown you off guard and put you at a disadvantage the fact that you’re getting back up and refusing to stay down is something that you should commend yourself for. I’m proud of you for doing this therefore you should be too.

As for the rest of the week…

I’m not going to even talk about food because the sight of any food whether it be at home, work or outdoors is making me want to eat everything. Apart from the odd bar of less calorific goodness I’ve been eating healthily and watching my portion size.

Exercise wise the heat is on! The aim is to eventually wear lycra pants (solely in the comfort of my own home) and prance about like a younger version of Jane Fonda minus the ridiculous looking thong/leotardy thing over the top of her lycra pants. That part of the eighties can be left well alone.

As for the family Monday night was an epic evening of family time with the in laws, eating chicken dinners and scoffing a small piece of lemon meringue pie made courtesy of my mother in law who makes all her dishes with love and affection. Happy days all around.

To conclude today’s post.

We cannot change what we have however we can change who we are if we want to. The world is full of different personalities however there are ones who kick up a stink and there’s ones who like the example given earlier take life whatever circumstance is thrown their way. Attitude is key as is acceptance. Be proud of who you are and what you represent. Don’t be a second rate version of you be who you want to be.

Not giving up.

“If you ever think about giving up, remember why you held on for so long”- Hayley Williams.

Why is it every time we have an episode we have to make the ultimate decision as to whether to allow the episode to do it’s thing or whether we should fight on the off chance it’ll disappear?

This question just so happens to be the focal point of today’s post because lately although the shaking episodes have diminished somewhat they did make an appearance on Thursday much to my dismay. This shaking episode was a one that didn’t make me disappointed in myself it just made me have that off taste in my mouth until yesterday.

Wednesday just so happens to be my day off. I’ve been fortunate lately to be given the opportunity to trial a new working pattern to see if by having a rest day mid week will allow me to see whether this reduces my current shaking pattern benefiting me long term. So far so good however Thursday I wasn’t so lucky.

The quote chosen today pinpoints how an eventful Wednesday spent exercising, spending time with the family and regenerating my batteries can unfortunately take a different turn the day after. So how come?

Wednesday night was a mixed bag of emotions I’d had a lovely day however the evening was completely the opposite. I was ratty, I was tired and all I wanted to do was be left alone because my head was pounding. I didn’t think nothing of it I put it down to a bad headache end of.

Trying my utmost to shake off (pardon the pun) these headaches with regular intervals of paracetemol I decided to turn my frown upside down and crack on as usual.

After having an early night on Wednesday evening my shakes were to hit me quite hard early Thursday morning and to be honest it threw it me off guard.

With no warning signs I was woken by my shakes and couldn’t sleep.

After being assisted by my husband I sat on the sofa focusing on the TV screen to regain some form of control, my mind went blank and my hands started trembling uncontrollably. My husband as supportive as he is made breakfast took my breakfast bowl out of my hands as the shake developed fully.

Trying to put on a brave face I was adamant I would get up because I didn’t want to be sitting down. Stepping up my husband caught me as my legs went from underneath me and put me to bed to try and sleep it off.

An additional two episodes were to follow over the course of the day totalling seven hours of shaking and hoping that they would subside sooner rather than later.

Fortunately in this scenario I was awake when all of this is happening, responsive but babbling at times I tend to gravitate towards a bear of mine called Geoff that I’ve had since childhood.

Many may question why a 28 year old woman would still grab a bear who in times of need has been a comfort blanket to clutch when the other side of Saz comes out.

Feeling weak, not sleeping afterwards and wanting to raid the contents of my refrigerator tends to be the first thoughts that enter my mind shortly after. My body is exhausted and my mind is ready to drift off however when the shaking episodes reach their peak it’s safe to say that no element of me is in control.

What I’ve explained there is only half of what these shaky bouts contain.

To this day my neurologists and I have queried the what’s, where’s and why’s to this aspect of Epilepsy and whether the shaky bouts are picking up where the seizures left off. Personally speaking the close network around me have drawn similar conclusions with each and every one of us hoping that they will eventually find a word to explain what I have.

Numerous words have been used throughout my ten year struggle with these shaky bouts. Words such as medication, anxiety, worry, and stress are four to name a few to describe what could potentially trigger these episodes.

As you are all aware so far I’ve been to see therapists, councillors, travelled to support meetings and written down my own personal view of my perception towards my shakes.

What I do know is this. When I’ve worried in the past I’ve sat down and thought to myself why do I allow myself to let this get to me? That’s simple because I have no control when they do happen.

This then prompts me to ask the next question. Is there anything I can do about these shakes? And the answer is no.

Self belief is something that over the years has taken a significant amount of time for me to accept and giving up has on many occasion been a possibility. When we use the word giving up it’s like saying “we’ve quit” at something and no-one wants to be labelled a quitter.

What I have come to realise though is that when you’re shaking or when you’re fully aware of a seizure hitting you it’s perfectly fine to allow nature to take it’s course, it’s not “giving up” because you have no control of this happening.

It’s fabulous to be known as a fighter because you refuse to be beaten however my personal opinion is that it takes more of a person to allow your body to do what it must at that particular time then try to act as though nothing’s happening. Trust me I know because I’ve done this myself and it’s only made matter’s worse.

After looking back at my own experiences with Epilepsy I’ve noticed that I’m not a machine. This machine I longed to be growing up can be oiled up and gleaming perfectly however what am I trying to prove? I have a condition. Yep. I have to take time out from time to time. Yep. And is there anything wrong with that? Nope.

What I’ve said there is not about giving up it’s about differentiating right from wrong when you’re health is involved. It’s like asking yourself if you’ve being burnt once by putting your hand in the fire is your immediate reaction to go back and do it all again? I’d like to think not. In my eyes the same rules apply.

As for the rest of the week…

Food wise my mother made my appearance at mine on Thursday to check up on me after work. Bringing me a large saveloy dip and a galaxy chocolate bar made definitely made me smile. In fact it was safe to say that it was gone in all of 30 seconds I was that hungry.

Exercise on the other hand has been going extremely well. I’ve stuck to my routine and completed my exercise plan at least four times per week. I know perseverance is key on this one so fingers crossed I stick it out.

Family well.. Many days out are scheduled with the family over the upcoming months. Presents to be bought and bank balances dwindling however as long as I get a couple of yankee candles in there for myself to appreciate then I’m not complaining.

To conclude today’s post. The quote pretty much says it all. Why give up when you’ve held on for so long? Why have we held on?

I think we all have different answers to that question however would like to think the reason why we do this is because by giving up can be portrayed is showing weakness and under no circumstance do we ever feel like we want to be defeated. There’s a fine line between quitting and giving up. Some may think it’s exactly the same thing however when it comes to Epilepsy I may have to disagree on that one.

What do you think?