Being a product of my own decisions.

There’s some things in life we cannot change such as being made redundant, needing to take our children to the hospital when they’re unwell and having a condition we cannot control.

This afternoons quote is one courtesy of twitter account @yestopositivity. The site is not only an excellent source to obtain quotes but writes quotes that make me want to throw in my input.

The quote of today is:

“I am not a product of my circumstances I’m a product of my decisions”- Steven Covey

Decision making can sometimes put you in an awkward position particularly when friends and family are concerned.

Questions are usually raised such as “Will I make the right decision” or “Am I going to offend anybody by making this decision” or finally “Will that decision have an impact on others?”

These are the three questions that were at the forefront of my mind when making a decision.

Nowadays I think about the other person however I need to realise there’s a fine line between not offending someone and being treat like rubbish. I remember when I was about nine years old I was put in an awkward position. My Epilepsy was pretty much in it’s infancy and I had friends who couldn’t quite decipher what my Epilepsy was, come to think of neither could I.

Within six months some of my friends disappeared, whether this be childhood behaviour or whether they didn’t want to hang around with me because of my condition I can’t answer and to this day I still don’t know why we went our separate ways. Let’s just say that looking back they were as ignorant as I was when it came to my condition as I was oblivious as to what I was.

I held no grudge I just knew that I was changing and times were moving ever so fast. It was only when I saw my friend having a seizure in the centre of the play-yard that I started to question where Epilepsy stood in my life and what I’d need to do to defend myself.

That’s the way Epilepsy made me feel when it came into my life. I was on constant alert trying to defend myself from the Epilepsy itself not necessarily the people wanting answers.

Life is a funny old thing and something I write about repeatedly because we have to evolve to keep up with how quick life is passing us by. People may read this and say that I’m being ever so serious however I still feel like a teenager. I

I don’t feel like a 28 year old woman working full time with her own mortgage to pay, husband to care for and cat to feed. In my eyes I still have feelings of a 16 year old wondering when I’m gonna wake up and see what the past 12 years have brought.

Previously I was a person who would fall in line with everyone else. Nowadays I’m starting to see that I have a voice, a one that wants to be heard and needs to be more outspoken about the issues worrying her hence writing this blog. As times progressed I have had more of a voice particularly surrounding subjects such as family, friends and my general lifestyle.

Making decisions shouldn’t scare you it should be something that makes you proud that you are making that decision on your own. Sometimes you may need advice to determine what decision you make and that’s perfectly fine as long as you understand why and how that decision is made then there should be no looking back.

Over the years I’ve spoken to people in support groups the majority of whom wished they could have changed the decisions they once made about their condition. Like me they wanted so desperately for their worries to disintegrate and for them to fade into the background because their concerns brought them down to the point of no return. My heart went out for these very same individuals who wanted to feel normal.

Upon analysing these discussions I remember thinking that although I had my insecurities I couldn’t and wouldn’t get to the stage they once did.

The thought had entered my mind after a cluster of seizures however I understood that by not accepting my condition that I’d do more damage than good therefore made it a priority to change. Rome wasn’t built in a day or so my therapist once said. It can take a year, ten years or in my case twenty years to see where changes could have been made.

It’s so easy to hide behind something.

In my case it was my condition. You may experience something similar and you know what? You won’t be the only one trust me. What I would say (and I did this once myself) is write down what your strengths are and how you help others. You may think ” I don’t help people” but I bet you you do without realising. Offering advice, having a conversation with someone and just listening is helping. You mightn’t think it but you are.

Then on the other side write the aspects of your personality (not your past, medication you’d like to change etc) that you would like to work on to feel happier about yourself. Once you’re done grab a cup of tea/coffee/juice have a break.. and have a kit kat. Nah I’m only joking.

Soak in what you’ve just written and see how hard that actually was. See what you’re capable of and what you’re capable of achieving because I believe in the people I talk to online that they are caring, considerate people who want what’s best for me therefore want what’s right for yourself. If you still can’t see the wood for the trees then speak to your partner, friend, relative and they will give you an honest answer if you ask for it.

As for today’s events. I haven’t been up to much really.

Went for a “browse” with my husband earlier this morning. A browse turned into a new floaty blouse and a sandwich.

So much for me browsing. I purchased a top and a sandwich. I had a birthday voucher to spend from last month so I was quids in! Woo hoo!

The chores are done, the food is prepared for tomorrow and my exercise is complete for today. After trying to put off the exercise all afternoon I stomached it half an hour ago and are rather sore however somewhat pleased with how far I’m prepared to push myself to achieve results.

Food wise again I’ve been rather good. I succumbed to a Millies cookie with my cup of coffee however have remained “junk free”. This evening is all about the mince dinner therefore I intend to devour every bit of my plate and feel full and satisfied later. In doing so this should prevent me from wanting sweet treats! Fingers crossed.

To conclude today’s post. Don’t let your circumstances prevent you from being your own boss. As I’ve said numerous times there’s some things that are out of our control however you are a product of your own decision making process. When you’re younger you’re bound to have the odd flop because you’re growing up. Growing older it’s about putting those experiences you’ve already learnt into practice to move forward.

There’s a saying by Christian D Larson in which he says:

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know there is something inside of you greater than any obstacle”

I cannot top that. Enough said.

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Never giving up, anxious moments, drinks and Ipad minis.

Saturday! Thank god you’re here because I thought you were taking forever to get here.

This week I was back to work after a two week relaxing break. Although regenerated come mid week I was hoping this weekend would just hurry up. Why? Because I was getting an Ipad mini that’s why! Oh and how pretty she is white, gleaming and making me smile.

Now for all those who read my posts regularly are now fully aware that I’m no techie expert, in fact my dad said mobile phones were never going to take off, I agreed and look what went and happened. Everywhere I go people’s got their mobile phones (me included) glued to their ears or attached to their hands.

As time never stops still neither does mobile technology. Whoever heard of a landline anymore? They were the in thing in my early life as was a pay phone to call your pals when you’re mother was on the home phone.

Today has been a pleasure and a half. Unfortunately my Saturday cups of tea weren’t to be had today with good old father dearest however I did manage to go out with the other half for a pizza (stone baked) and a mineral water. No chocolate has been consumed however yesterday was a different story altogether.

I have to admit I ate like a horse consuming every morsel in site, combine this with four glasses of pinot gricio and a half of Guinness and I could have been anybody’s if I continued on the vino.

Actually come to think of it because I had eaten so much all day the hangover wasn’t that bad and would urge anyone not to drink too much when you’re on meds as the more alcohol you consume the least effective your medication is.

Last night was a good night because I drank the occasional coke in between. Will have to be good next time and not drink as much wine.

Right enough of my drinking shenanigans let’s kick off Saturday with a quote:

“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up”- Babe Ruth

You know what? I love this quote. Giving up. What is that exactly?

Well it’s something I’ve done on more than one occasion when the road was rocky and I was oblivious as to what was happening. Being told I had Epilepsy was a reason for me want to give up at times however I decided that in order to survive and as people would say “It is the survival of the fittest” then I would eventually prove condition or not that I was going to survive and getting there I am.

It’s right in what Babe’s saying. Quitters cannot pull down the people who repeatedly try, who refuse to allow their shortfalls to dominate their life and the very people who admit that they do have shortfalls and don’t go through life making people believe that they’re perfect. That’s the thing.

You can strive for perfection however unfortunately this is something that’s physically impossible therefore don’t try and be it just be who you are. The people who like you will gravitate towards you for you and the people who don’t, well please themselves it wasn’t meant to be.

Like many conditions Epilepsy is one that constantly makes you question your ability, makes you question your survival technique and one that although makes you anxious keeps you on your toes and doesn’t allow you to quit.

Frowning at yourself on down days when it gets too much is something that should keep you going instead of making you sit in a corner worrying.

Everyone has those moments and you should never look at yourself as being a fragile person. You’re a person with worries yes however try not to let it dominate you’re life because trust me it isn’t worth it. Look at what you have, the people around you, the love you have for others and the will to progress. This is what’s more important.

I have to admit I have had numerous anxious moments to the point where I couldn’t eat, to the point where all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and be rid of anxiety altogether.

This is the thing with anxiety. People think they understand, others choose to educate themselves to help you however you will always (like many things) get those people who won’t fully understand and think they have a right to voice their opinion. I agree entirely with people having opinions however there comes a point where you have to put up and shut up.

An example was when my husband and I went to Portugal in May last year. The weather was beautiful, the views phenomenal, the hotel clean, the staff friendly and the breakfast was unbelievable. As a person with fair hair, fair skin and lanky flat feet my main aim was to relax, eat to my hearts content and just bask in the sun as we all usually do on our holidays.

As much as my holiday was one to remember sometimes it was for the wrong reasons. Like my Epilepsy I had anxiety triggers. On this holiday it was the food on the first night. After wolfing down a steak dinner (only to be sick five hours later) I couldn’t actually eat any food of an evening till about the fourth night.

For three full nights I sat there eating ice cream and having the occasional bowl of chips whilst my husband is tucking into his evening banquet. Garlic in particular was something that made my stomach turn and I couldn’t sit in a restaurant without getting a dry mouth, hot flushes and nausea.

These symptoms had me on edge making me question whether a shaky bout/seizure was coming that would force me to pay out on my travel insurance. It was like a vicious cycle.

Every night was the same for three nights and I felt like I was throwing my money down the pan and spoiling our holiday.

At first I blamed the sun however I couldn’t blame that because for half of the day I sat in the shade, the majority I had SPF50 and a hat on. I couldn’t believe it. It was only when I phoned my mam I realised that the heat was a contributory factor however I had to an extent got it into my head that the evenings was when the fear would kick in.

After sitting with my husband I decided to change my technique and break free from the routine we got into on holiday of eating, swimming, basking in the sun/shade before getting ready for the night ahead.

Instead I opted for a glass of wine at the bar before having a brisk walk down to the town and having nibbles instead of a large meal. Within ten hours of breaking that cycle I started eating again, the sickness subsided slightly and I felt as proud as punch of myself. My husband would give me positive feedback and treat me to a dress following this mini achievement. It was like I’ve said in previous posts the “taking baby steps” that got me through.

From people I’ve spoken to about anxiety it’s something that in times of worry can make you want to stay indoors and not go out with friends and family out of fear that an episode will occur forcing you to end your night earlier than planned or ruin their night.

Like Epilepsy anxiety can make you question you’re every move and without the support network around you can make you feel rather lonely. Fortunately after years of asking questions and challenging my ability I am starting to enjoy myself that little bit more leaving anxiety where it belongs.. at the back door.

I would recommend in times of anxiousness change the dynamics of your routine. Go out for a walk, start writing, call a friend, make a bite to eat. Do anything to prevent the episode escalating. If it’s already in full swing then just allow it to do what it needs to do and then reflect later on. That’s the best advice I can offer however if you have any ideas you would like to share then I’ll be all ears.

To conclude today’s post. Giving up. We can all fall into this category sometimes. Usually it’s the apprehensiveness that makes us want to throw in the towel at times. The failure creeps in and we are “All to pot” because your plan hasn’t quite gone the way you anticipated it would. Worrying gets us nowhere. As JK Rowling once said:

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance and only with acceptance can there be recovery”.

I think we should all take a leap out of her many books written. Not only does she talk sense but she’s a multi millionaire and we would all like a bit of that. Joking aside you are who you are. Don’t just kill time live your life and enjoy what you have. Remember mini victories. You only live once.

Spreading your wings.

Good evening everyone, hope you’re all having a rather pleasant Thursday. After all it’s Friday tomorrow and you know what that means? The weekend is here and I cannot wait because I’m getting an IPad mini.. Get in there!

My word what a day I’ve had.. Trying to make something more exciting than what it is really.

Today has consisted of work, work and more work before being topped off with a half hour of 30 day shred (level 3 I may add, the heat was definitely on) and a rather tasty tuna pasta made courtesy of moi.

You can tell there’s literally nothing in the house. There’s nothing worse than feeling hungry, opening your cupboards and staring at the emptiness.

I’d like to call these Thursday night’s “Tuna pasta” nights because there’s bugger all until tomorrow evening when we go food shopping. It’s either that or beans on toast.. and I’m sick of beans on toast. I cannot stand the smell of filtered beans because it stinks to high heaven! Throw in a toot from the cat and you’ve got a mixture of beans and kitty kat. Not a nice concoction.

Well enough talk about my tuna pasta evenings let’s rattle off the quote of the day:

“You were born with wings so why prefer to crawl through life?”- Rumi

Now this is a statement that could be perceived as being a mixed bag of emotions however does have some meaning to it.

When I read this the first thing that came to mind was what is Rumi’s definition of crawling through life? Is it that we are just getting by or is it that we should be making the most of the life we have.

I’d like to think it’s the second option because everyone’s financial circumstances are different, their circumstances can alter due to underlying medical conditions or having to quit their job to care for others. It all depends upon your own setup and how far you are prepared to go to push yourself to make yourself happy.

With a condition like Epilepsy there are restrictions there’s no two ways about it and this can be caused by a multitude of things. Side effects are another thing that can damage confidence and make you feel down.

Like anxiety Epilepsy can prevent you from taking the next step out of fear you’ll have an episode. By having an episode on a new task can trigger other underlying anxieties resulting in it taking years for you to tackle that challenge again. I understand this because I had a similar experience myself when I was younger.

Lately I’ve found that my hands and arms shake of an evening. Not my usual shaky bouts but small things like opening a can of beans or putting on a bed spread is extremely difficult because I have no real grip. Holding a pen or a cup is perfectly fine but gripping for a long period of time is quite hard.

I hate the idea of asking for help with anything. My doctors think this shaking could be down to my years of convulsing and shaky bouts. This is my long lasting effect however this is something I’m having to get used to.

For me change is something that has to sink in. It’s something that scared me as a child and still does on occasion. Little things like changing my work pattern, making sure I have sufficient money in my purse to pay for something or not knowing what’s for tea is something that throws me off guard slightly.

It’s only when I take a step back that I realise that these are little things that I shouldn’t really be worrying about. It’s a matter of just going with the flow.

As I’ve got older I’ve identified side effects from my medication such as headaches, tiredness, lack of concentration, feeling demotivated, the occasional bouts of paranoia and just general lousiness. To explain a task to one person may take ten minutes, me it takes about ten days for it to fully register. Why? Because my mind isn’t fixated on the task it’s elsewhere, where I couldn’t tell you but I know I’m not digesting this information straight away that’s for certain.

This lack of concentration used to really eat me up inside because I thought I wasn’t normal.

Rewind ten years ago and here I am sitting at university with my pals watching them writing and referring back to various references in textbooks, participating and asking questions that I could only dream of asking. Me I was sitting there delirious wanting to go into the big wide world and earn some cash instead of sitting in a lecture hall doing a degree that I didn’t want to be enrolled on.

I was doing what I thought I should be doing and not what I actually wanted to do.

When I’m interested in something that’s when I learn. You give me something I’m not fussed on and you’ll get nothing out of me bar mumbo jumbo about everything bar the subject. I blamed my meds for a period of time and to a degree believe my meds have contributed towards my lack of concentration, that and wanting to be everywhere at once.

Having a condition for the majority of my lifetime made me feel like I was inadequate, like I was never up to the job. Taking medication became a chore and the constant trialling meds and tests were draining my resources.

I was half arsed with a lot of things for a long period of time however when it came to working and earning money then that was a completely different ballgame. .

This was the one time where I refused for my Epilepsy to bring me down. I had to work. I wanted to help my mam, go for nights out, buy clothes, makeup and just do usual girly things.

My way of thinking back then was if my seizures got too bad then I’d have to think differently however if I can I will and that was the one line that would stick in my head everytime I had a rough patch with my condition.

Before thinking this way I felt at times like there was no way I was spreading my wings in a hurry.. It was only when I returned home that I was informed by the people who loved me most that it took more of a person to accept fault than it did continuing in something I didn’t actually want for myself.

My gran said something once that is rather similar to Rumi’s quote. She said that when a child’s a baby you give them room to crawl, you help them to get their wings and then when they’re older they should have the knowledge to spread their wings and do their own thing.

I never really thought I had wings.. till now. Maybe I just doubted myself too much.

Life can sometimes throw so many challenges that can either frustrate you or elate you. It’s the how we react to that challenge differentiates us from others. Having a lousy attitude doesn’t accomplish anything. Having the right attitude can usually get you through tough times ahead.

As I sit here now occasionally sipping my cuppa I have noticed that my outlook on life is changing and that I now feel like I can spread my wings and attempt to leave my past behind me. Once I ran from my Epilepsy, I turned my back on anxiety and cried at the prospect of worrying another day therefore thought it was only right to start changing this trend, this pattern that wouldn’t spur me on but bring me down.

Now I worry when I need to, anxiety will never be far away but I muster on and as for my shaky bouts well they come and go as they please. My shakes are a part of me so what can you do?

On all three aspects I’m noticing that having the right attitude can help you.

What if shouldn’t come into the equation. If you have a life of what if’s then you will be constantly worrying about what’s round the corner and how it’s going to effect you. This is something you should try and move away from but do it as and when you’re ready.

As for this evenings event’s food’s been relatively healthy, exercise has been upped a notch and I’m now on level 3 of Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred and it’s going well. The eating is more of a nightmare than the exercise however I’ve been told that perseverance is what I need to do when changing my eating regime therefore needs must. Thank you all for your advice. I really have needed it these past few days.

To conclude today’s post. Spread your wings when you’re ready however try to change slightly the little things that you feel are niggling at you. Someone once said (and as crazy as this sounds) look in the mirror and give yourself a damn good talking to. If you are afraid to go to others then talk to yourself like you are your own self help guide. I did it once and I didn’t half feel better.

Time is a great healer and if you believe in yourself then there’s no reason why you can’t progress and learn to accept the condition you have. People have different strengths it’s about finding what’s right for you. You will get there eventually. Trust me you will.

You’re not alone.

“It always shocked me when I realised I wasn’t the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things”- J Green.

I thought I was alone for a bloody long time. Family yes they were there but here I was sitting there with my own thoughts feeling alone not wanting to burden the family who love me.

Anxiety coursing through my body ninety to the dozen and me sitting there powerless to stop it. Putting on a brave face to the world and trying to establish deep down who I was and what I represented was a phase in my life that I wish not to repeat as that time has come and gone. Sometimes you need to sit back, take a deep breath and think long and hard.

These words may come across dark for someone but yet rather odd coming from someone who is moving forward with her life however not all memories were happy ones. Don’t get me wrong my life hasn’t been all doom and gloom I’ve shared happy moments and enjoyed many experiences however I’m not going to lie it had been hard.

This evening’s post isn’t about being glum but reflecting on who we truly are as people and sometimes how low you must go in order for your body to be kick-started.

Yesterday I checked my twitter account and noticed that I hit the 300 follower mark.

Upon writing Sazzle’s blog my aim wasn’t to do what others attempt to do and obtain as many followers as possible but to document my recovery in the only way I know how and that’s to write the way I speak.

Words cannot describe how ecstatic I am to be able to tweet to people who are actually listening and who like me wish to represent a worthy cause, to help others and to just make people smile.

Without coming across all soppy I cannot thank you all enough for your support, feedback, well wishes and kind words. I cannot explain how comforting it is to know that there are people out there who are so pleasant and sincere.

When writing articles sometimes individuals put so much emphasis on being grammatically correct and acting ever so professional to try and get their point across. If I attempted to do that it would take me about six months and I’d probably still come across sounding ever so la de da before being told that what I’d written didn’t sound like me therefore I best quit while I’m ahead!

The quote this evening is about evaluating what’s right for you. My interpretation is that (and I know people may frown when I say this) but that the world doesn’t always necessarily revolve around you and that there are many others in your position struggling. I say this because I have been that person.

When you walk past someone in the street or when you’re flicking the channels of an evening watching at how simple people’s lives are we can fall into the trap of “Why can’t my life be as easy as theirs?”
and “What is it that they have that I don’t have?”

Usually it’s money. Other times it’s others kissing their arse to gain popularity however how do you know that behind closed doors they too aren’t suffering? You can never be certain. Looking good may radiate to others perfection however looking good and feeling good sometimes doesn’t come into the same sentence.

We tend as people to go inward and feel like the whole world is centred around our problems. Problems have a tendancy to manifest if you let them. I say this with the greatest respect to not belittle you but to help you because I was one of these people. I prattle about this all of the time however acceptance is key.

Accepting that I suffered from Epilepsy, that I had a nervous disposition and had anxious feelings was a gruelling task and something that I didn’t want to admit to. I didn’t want to admit because in my eyes these were all flaws and I had enough flaws having Epileptic episodes to want to throw more problems into the mix.

Saying that you have a problem is one hell of a step and to be honest with you if you can accept that you have a problem then you’re half way to helping yourself. Whether it be weight issues, medication issues, worry, finances, problems at work anything and I mean anything.

Nothing should be deemed as being a “wasted problem” or a “stupid question” because there’s no such thing as stupid questions. If everyone was afraid of asking a stupid question then there would be no one to help us and we would all merge into the same boring mould. That’s what defines you from the crowd.

Upon diagnosis I was a young girl lost. From those who have read my previous posts are fully aware that I wanted so badly to be loved, to be popular and to just be a happy go lucky sort of girl like some of the people I knew. Maybe I tried too hard to fit in, it backfired and I made mistakes. To this day I wish I could turn back the clock at times however those mistakes were made and we are only human after all. This may seem like a cop out but what else can you say?

Being cautious was common practice for me and in times of weakness (usually when I was alone) would the anxiety strike. My parents suffered from anxiety therefore my initial thought is that I would follow suit.

Sources say that people suffering from Asthma find their condition is usually hereditary and in my case I have inherited this from my dad.

As for anxiety questions have been raised as to whether you can inherit anxiety by viewing alone. When I say this I mean if I am surrounded by people I love who are anxious then can I train my mind to be anxious? Now I’m not telling people to train their mind however it does make me think.

Now this is all theory and my thoughts alone however the possibility of this happening does make me wonder and makes me think whether I may have inherited my anxiety from my parents or whether this was genuinely brought on by life decisions.

Looking back now I put it down to age, experience and just me finding my feet. I reiterate this but sitting on the side-lines watching others live their life isn’t pretty. In fact it’s rather crap therefore go out there and do the inevitable. Start finding out who you are and what you want instead of wanting what others want for you.

My parents never stopped me from living my life, they were wary because of my Epilepsy however encouraged me to stop watching and to start living. After watching me have my insecure moments they uttered those words and I sought help. Enough was enough.

Being alone wasn’t an option therefore you have to make a stand. You can only change for you and you alone therefore write down your feelings and if you’re comfortable with it get it out there for the world to see. A problem shared is a problem halved.

On a lighter note. I’m back to work and I’m absolutely shattered. Maybe it’s because I’m getting up 90 minutes earlier than my mini lie in’s. Work is work and it pays the bills at the end of the day therefore I best not whinge because I don’t have a leg to stand on. Haha!

Being off work for two weeks has left me feeling a lot more relaxed and appreciative of what I have.

Time spent with my husband, family and friends is what makes my world go round. Simple is just what I like.. that the odd garment and dining out somewhere nice every now and again. More now than again..

Since returning to work I have eaten rubbish. Today I wolfed down a mammoth portion of corned beef and potato pie with chips and had a couple of chocolate mint sticks. Last night at the in laws I had a chocolate brownie and a couple of shortbread biscuits. this is not to mention the twirl I had at 8am Monday morning. It wasn’t healthy and I have felt the sluggishness kicking in. Thank god for the exercise! I’m back off the rubbish tomorrow… for good!

Talking about exercise, I’m getting better and I’d have to admit it’s on top form at the minute. I’m trying to exercise five times per week. The workouts aren’t long however a 30 minute session of Kill Jill is supposedly like 80 minutes in the gym so I’m no complaining. Mind you I’m sore but getting there.

To conclude tonight’s post. You’re not alone. Sometimes we need to reflect on what we have gone through to appreciate what we currently have. Times are tough and there are decisions that we would rather postpone for the time being however postponing doesn’t get anyone anywhere therefore if you have a worry get it out there and cut yourself some slack for a change. There’s always someone out there who will listen if you want them to.

If all else fails give me a shout I’ll talk about anything. For those who know me know that I can talk for England. If that’s the best they’ve got then I’ll settle for that.

Letting go.. you can’t help everybody.

Good afternoon everyone. What a weekend we are having.

I thought we were forecast for glorious sunshine however the weather has well and truly turned. It’s belting it down with rain, the flowers are overjoyed at the idea that they’re going to get a damn good drink and the cats dodging the rain as we speak to hide for cover underneath the car.

Usually I rattle off a quote however today it’s more of getting something off my chest.

Apologies for not blogging yesterday I had a blinding headache all day. My husband’s attempt to take me into Newcastle for a coffee and a browse swayed me for part of the day however with the greatest intentions in the world my headache wasn’t shifting irrespective of staying hydrated and taking two paracetemol every four hours. Never mind.

This is one thing about headaches I cannot stand. They can well and truly ruin your day depending upon the severity. If you have a migraine well you might as well write the day off.

The feeling that you’re hallucinating isn’t the nicest and the pain is excruciating. No matter how many tablets you pop that pain isn’t subsiding for a while. The sickness sinks in and you feel like rubbish. As for the remainder of the headache family they too are a pain in the arse however they are doable I suppose.. relax, stay hydrated, eat regularly (if you can) and just try to remain calm.

Yesterday was a day where I couldn’t be bothered. Although my coffee went down rather nicely at mid-day the day didn’t go swimmingly well.

Recently I’ve felt like I’m running at full steam ahead and want others to come running with me. I experienced a similar pattern when my cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) ceased.

Now I had this sort of newfound lease of life I wanted to help everyone. Now I was on my road to recovery I wanted to assist everyone else. I wanted to teach them that life was for living and feeling sorry for yourself wasn’t an option even though I still had my moments on occasion. I wanted them to help themselves as I was trying to help myself. Unfortunately my want didn’t go according to plan.

I would like to think that I’m a family orientated person who has a large space in her heart for her family.

I would do anything for my family however know at times that although you love them you won’t always like the decisions they make. Either way you have to stand by, watch and hope for the best.

Since I was a child I wanted my life to exceed more than I could ever have imagined. From those who’ve read my blog from the beginning are aware of my successes and shortfalls. I have made no secret about those.

When I made the crucial decision to want to move forward and leave my anxiety at the back door I thought that everyone else would be in unison with me. Although my family’s support was there, there was one person who I couldn’t quite help.. My mam.

From earlier posts I have explained in great detail the relationship I have with my mother and the fact that although my parents ended their relationship at an early age we have remained a close knit family who come together in times of need.

A third party looking in would look at the relationship my parents have and think that they were best of friends that’s because they are. The decisions we have made are not of a family divided but a family that come together like a normal family unit should.

When my parents split up there was always this disheartened feeling from my end on the hope that my parents would reconcile however this wasn’t meant to be. My mam was never bitter and has always been extremely independent so much so that in my eyes decisions are extremely hard for her to make. I want nothing more than my mam to be happy and to be treat with the respect that she deserves.

My mam like a significant amount of parents out there has given me everything she could possibly offer without putting us in financial ruin. She has been constructive of me at times and have clashed like parents do with their children however the one thing I want for my mam is to get out there, find someone and be happy. I want her to show the world what she’s made of because she’s bloody marvellous.

I have sat on numerous occasions both over the telephone and face to face with my mam chatting endlessly about what we want for one another. Yesterday was a prime example of this. She was questioning me, I tend to misinterpret what she’s saying, get snappy and the end result is tears from my end because I feel bad for disrespecting my mother.

I wouldn’t change my mam’s personality nor would I change her appearance however I just want her to see that she’s worth more than what she thinks and that routine can be broken.

She has instilled the drive into me that she should want for herself and I want her to see that she needs to take her own advice, have a good time and move forward.

My mam has always put me first as I try to do with her.

Every time there’s a problem with my mam I feel accountable, not that she’s asked me to be however I cannot help myself. Growing in a house where there was just my mam and I (my nana lived with us till I was ten years old) there was bound to be friction however there was also a bond formed that could never be broken. As a mother would care for her child I felt responsible to so the same. Now that may seem rather silly to some however this is the way I am.

From having a condition such as Epilepsy I have grown to be someone who doesn’t believe in quitting because when you fall if you refuse to get back up then you’re only disappointing yourself.

When I came off the telephone I referred back to the sessions I had with Bob and started to put his theory into practice. For years my mother and I have had this battle of wills and it was about time for me to let go.

I don’t wish to portray this nasty picture of my mother as she loves me dearly however I can’t hide the way I feel. I have said for years that I will let my mam “Do what she wants to do” however have always sunken back into old habits and have possibly interfered when it’s not appropriate.

This is the thing. You can will for someone to be a certain way, you can hope someone will turn out the way you want however only they can make the decision to move forward. If they feel like their life is just fine the way it is then you must allow them to make their own decisions and to find out for themselves which path is right for them.

With me it’s taken 20 years for me to document my emotions and to lay my cards out on the table. Maybe my parents could see my faults however chose to do the opposite of me and after years of persuasion eventually kept their mouths shut so I could learn the hard way. I always took into account their guidance and drew my own conclusion off that.

Standing still I’m now thinking that I need to take that step back and allow them to lead their own lives even though they have a desired input in mine. Maybe I feel this way because I’m not yet a parent therefore don’t fully understand my parents’ way of thinking. Hopefully I will one day.

On a lighter note my eating has been going rather well. My mother in law brought over a cupcake yesterday that I had with a cuppa. The exercise is a hurdle however I’m getting there and thinking of my figure in the long term. I don’t want to lose weight I just want to remain toned.

As for my purchases well… I’ll not bore you with all the details however my new Nails Inc emerald colour arrived courtesy of the Nails Inc online site. My word.. what a colour. For those who wish to purchase the colour is Queen Victoria Street and it’s £11. Yes I know it’s expensive but well worth it.

Other’s included a new floral top and a bare minerals pink kit that consisted of a new blusher, eyeshadows, an eye liner and a gorgeous sheer pink lipgloss. Delightful.

To conclude today’s post. Helping yourself is something that is required in order for you to accept and appreciate who you are in the long term. If you have a condition coming to terms with that can be a milestone and can make you see that although you have it this shouldn’t prevent you from reaching your goals.

In my case I’m getting there. You cannot help everyone all of the time because they can interpret differently what life is all about.

Sometimes offering advice can come across as interfering at times and although it upsets you, you have to adhere at times to their wishes and take a step back. It’s hard but needs must.

Cups, support and a completely new hair style.

“When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty my only response is that I am thankful I have a cup”

This quote is courtesy of online site Stay thankful who has given me a reminder of how often things are actually better than what they seem. This quote above gives me an insight as to how fortunate we all are if we think long and hard about it.

When you sit down and analyse where we currently stand we may then realise that we are people who are extremely lucky to have people around us who are there to support us and advise us when the going gets tough.

For those who may not be as fortunate support is always available and you should never feel like you’re sinking or just treading above water. There are people out there who are willing to help should you need it.

Lately I have been noticing that trends emerge when I get angry, upset or just downright frustrated. There’s this feeling of no one listening like no one understands what you’re going through at that precise moment.

Usually when these patterns emerge I go upstairs and want to be alone. There are moments where I have wallowed in my own self pity however now I think to myself that the show must go on therefore I better dust myself off and crack on otherwise the day will be over and I’ll be kicking myself for behaving like a muppet.

My shakes have come in dribs and drabs over the past couple of weeks and although I’m aware of what my shakes can entail I am still questioning the why’s and what fors.

I keep telling myself that sometimes there are questions that cannot be answered however still try to pursue the answer. Surely I should just walk away from the fact that I’ll never get to the bottom of my shakes and move on. Is this wrong?

This is a pattern that I cannot quite walk away from, this could possibly be down to the fact that I’ve analysed my condition for so long that I no longer know when I’m actually doing it.

As the saying goes there are people that appear to fall into one of two categories. The half empty or the half full cup. With me usually I’m optimistic and would like to think that my cup is half full however in times of uncertainty I tend to drift into the half empty cup. The half empty cup are usually the pessimists who feel that they’ll never catch that break or that they’re always the one in the firing line.

I was once a pessimist however thought that being pessimistic never got me anywhere. Every single time the shit hit the fan I’d sit there and say “told you so” when something went wrong. Deep down what was I going to achieve behaving like that?

Instead of accepting the “whatever will be will be” strategy I have been known to clamp up and get myself a little freaked out. As time goes on my mood is changing and I’m coming to terms with my shakes however this is still gradual.

I recently had a shake whilst sitting reading my kindle. For some strange reason I knew something was hovering. It didn’t come to light that my shakes were going to make a dramatic entrance but I was fidgety. I couldn’t sit still, I had a dull headache and my vision was a tad blurred. I wasn’t afraid however knew that it would be a matter of time before I’d be lying on the sofa yet again questioning this panic.

Within half an hour I was sitting there shaking. My plastic glass fell out of my hands and onto the carpet and before long I was shaking uncontrollably, hugging the cushion for comfort whilst frantically wanting to pick up my cup from the floor out of fear that there could be a stain.

Words cannot describe the way a shake effects you nor can I explain how a shake arises however all I knew is that I needed to remain calm and in some form of control.

As the numbing feeling entered the left hand side of my face I knew that this could potentially be an advanced shake and prayed that it would leave me sooner rather than later.

Whilst shaking all I could think of in my mind was that “People suffer worse than I do therefore I should count myself lucky” and kept reiterating this sentence in my head over and over again to inform my subconscious mind that we could both get through this and that it was just a matter of time.

Low and behold within two hours my brain decided to come in unison with my emotions and the shakes subsided.

Instead of relaxing I decided to get back up and continue with my chores. I continued with my day not acknowledging that I had just shaken and made myself feel worse as the day progressed. Instead of doing my usual routine of eating, lying down and relaxing I wasn’t bothered and made myself worse. This wasn’t me. I knew then there was something wrong. The problem was that there wasn’t something wrong. I was in the wrong.

I was trying to do too many things at once and unfortunately this was not the most productive way to do things.

Presently I’ve been reading a book about a woman’s lack of belief in herself and the scenarios she must face to overcome her demons.

People who know me can blatantly see that I analyse things excessively and don’t know when to stop. Whilst reading my book I started thinking about what life I’d envisaged for myself and how in today’s climate the simplest of decisions can change the way I live my life entirely.

Instead of feeling like I’m on a pedestal waiting for the next episode (whether that be a shake/seizure or anxiety attack) to happen I need to be thinking “Sod it, if it happens it happens” I need to start taking my own advice instead of allowing my brain to think another.

Instead of constantly requiring reassurance in times of need I need to allow the episode to run it’s course and for my body to react the only way it knows how to that’s to shake and get it out of my system.

A question for you all? Do any of you feel that way from time to time? Do any of you offer words of wisdom but don’t translate that wisdom into your own lives?

What I’ve come to notice is that we should all be responsible for our own actions. Sometimes it’s easy to create an excuse, a cop out as to why we can’t do something. Instead we should be saying that “we can” and start thinking positively before facing up to our fears instead of running from them.

If you’re worried about your medication talk to someone who can assist you such as a doctor. Never go on the internet to self diagnose otherwise you’ll be thinking you’re on death’s door before you know it.

If you’re worried about financial worries speak with a relative or a bank manager and if you’re in urgent need of a little push then get your friends to give you a damn good talking to. I have listed a variety of support groups on my facebook page so please have a browse if you’ll find this beneficial for you.

With regards to everything else I’ve been up to well where do I begin.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the past two weeks chilling, running errands and doing the usual Saz duties.

As I’m on a healthy (well not entirely.. healthier) way of thinking then I have revisited my chocolate intake (apart from the half a brownie yesterday night) and incorporated healthier substitutes like fruit and a low fat yoghurt into my diet.

The exercise is well under way with me now jumping between my 30 day shred and my killer buns and thighs workouts. Overall the mood has changed.

As for mood’s so has my hair. Instead of having the usual train track bonce (i.e. my roots are coming through resembling train tracks) I decided for a complete change. That change was to go back to my original colour (was blonde now a light brown) and get the whole thing cut off.

I’m a lover of short hair and usually decide that short is the new long when I get my hair done however this time I thought what the hell. As my hairdresser was removing all traces of dyed blonde and cutting off my Samson locks I started to think that life is all about changes and going back to my original colouring was a big step for me.

One thing my book was telling me was that you can be different and that’s ok. If you want to be a sheep then follow the herd. If you want to stand out then get yourself out there for the world to see. Don’t keep prattling on about what you intend to do and just do it.

Change should be a good thing and something you shouldn’t shy away from. If you want to reinvent your style then do it, if you want to revive your mood then do it. What’s the worst that can happen?

My hair is different and something that I’ll get used to however I’m embracing the new change. The aim for the remainder of the year is to remain breezy, to make light of situations and to get back into my reading. If I can achieve these mini goals then I’ll be a happy lady!

To conclude today’s post. If we don’t change then we don’t grow. If we don’t grow then we aren’t really living. Sometimes it’s nice to stand still and take in what’s around you. Take in the positive aspects that life can bring. Hold the people you love dear and support them as they support you.

If you want to embody change then what the hell go do it. When it comes to certain things in life they are bound to be uncontrollable however if you want something then it’s your responsibility to act on your actions and to accept yourself for who you are.

Standing up for what’s right.

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life”- Winston Churchill.

Now I apologise in advance for the mini rant however when I saw this quote this morning I thought about standing up for yourself.

This morning when I woke up I was not only overjoyed at the fact that I’d pencilled a week off work and was contemplating going in to save some time. The more I thought about it the more I thought what the hell.

I’ve pencilled some time off for a reason and I’m going to enjoy myself as much as I can catching up with family, friends, attending rescheduled doctors appointments and just generally making time for me.

When it comes to quotes that illustrate strength then Winston Churchill is up there with the best of them.

His quotes seem to hit home with me and make me understand that throughout life it’s understandable that on occasion you’ll hit the odd brick wall and that we must take the rough with the smooth to gage a true reflection on what life has to offer.

When it comes to having Epilepsy you have to demonstrate a level of resilience and on occasion focus on how you’re going to continue instead of just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself.

After returning back from University I had approximately 17 seizures in an 18 month period.

Now to some this may seem rather low however in my case I was never used to having more than one seizure every three months therefore one a month raised questions that I needed answering. From the ages of 17-22 I was on a knife’s edge and was waiting for the next one to rear it’s ugly head. My medication fluctuated more times in a year than it had in ten and I was so pissed off that I wanted to tell the doctors where to go and to come off medication entirely.

How silly was I back then? Yes I felt that way however knew this wasn’t going to achieve anything.

As you may be aware from previous posts read I had the unpleasant experience of having a neurologist who couldn’t give a toss. To him I was a statistic. To him I was a young adult who was lead to believe that he gave a damn and that I was meant to accept that whatever he said was gospel and that I had to follow his instruction.

From the get go I knew there was a rabbit off and this man was someone who hadn’t researched my personal file properly, he was someone who would rather pass the buck than take on the responsibility of ensuring that I was in good health and that together we could tackle these episodes once and for all.

Upon diagnosis back in 1993 I remember looking at doctors believing everything they said because in my eyes they were the individuals that would prescribe the “magic medicine” to make you better therefore never questioned their authority.

Coming face to face with this tosser every three months was something that would not only make my blood boil but would make me anxious at the idea that this wealthy doctor was siting there prattling on asking the same questions at every visit.

The day eventually came when I had my day with my neurologist and plucked up the courage to ask for a second opinion. Much to my specialists dismay him and I didn’t exchange pleasantries and I told him exactly what I thought.

Having a medical condition throws up so many obstacles. Now I’m not writing this wanting sympathy I just want to see if people feel the way I feel. It appears that support networks know more than our doctors do. I’ve managed to understand my condition more through support groups, blogs, and conversations online than I have from some the higher and well paid members of staff in the medical profession.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not belittling the staff that sacrifice their own lives for others however get the impression that support groups are more in sync with the minds of the individual and appear to want to help more. This is something I’ve noticed when I’ve needed advice.

I have never been someone who particularly likes confrontation however believe if it’s necessary then why can’t we not stand up for what’s right? Surely people should be treat with respect and if you want respect then you’ve got to earn it. It takes nothing to say please and thank you.

We live in a world nowadays that’s governed by people who feel that we are a nation that practices freedom of speech however hasn’t actually tapped in to the fact that we don’t.

Today’s society is all about watching your back, watching your P’s and Q’s, moderating the way you behave and being extra careful that you don’t offend anybody.

What we really need to ask ourselves is why should we feel bad about letting down others when they let us down repeatedly? Surely we can stand up for ourselves, put our happiness first and think to ourselves that you’re not going to be a doormat, in fact you’re a worthy individual who deserves so much more than second best.

I was someone who would be petrified at the fact of cutting contact with people who I believed would be there through thick and thin however unfortunately it doesn’t always turn out that way. Some people can be malicious because if they aren’t centre of attention then they don’t want to know you. On the flip side people’s priorities change, they get older and their lives are centred more on their families than the life they once had.

Another scenario is Facebook. I was watching something on UK Living before I went to the GP’s office today and I was in hysterics.

Now apologies if I offend anyone here but this is my personal view.

Now I know I’m on Facebook to promote Sazzle’s blog however haven’t had a personal account on Facebook since about 2007. As a youngster I would speak to people who had Facebook accounts who would fall into the trap of making a ton of friends the majority of which couldn’t give two hoots about you in real life.

You may find that these know you but never actually said hello to you at school or people who want to be your friend so they can really meddle into your life without you really knowing.

If you’ve got a great deal of friends or make friends with people who genuinely care then great but I can’t get my head around it.

Facebook is an excellent source of information particularly when you’ve got an event to plan, a business to promote or wish to raise awareness however Facebook can also be your worst enemy. Facebook causes more problems in friendships, relationships and everything in between usually over a marital status or a status update.

It’s like school yard behaviour when a Facebook “conversation” goes sour. I know this from people I’ve spoken to in the past and it raises one word. Why?

What we should be doing is living our lives instead of worrying about what he said, she said on Facebook. What we should be saying is “Who cares less about what someone says on Facebook?”

I say this but about about six years ago I would have been in a fluster. Now I’m just wondering what all the fuss is about.

You usually find people mouth off on Facebook because they don’t have the balls to do it to your face. I mean honestly what’s all that about? How did we get our point across before social networking? The mind boggles.

Change was something that would worry me and still does at times. What we should be doing is removing the negativity and prioritising what’s most important in our lives. The remainder shouldn’t be worth your tears.

Growing up in the eighties and early nineties was something that was far simpler than the way we currently live our lives. Saying something out of turn would make other people think thus resulting in a decision being made instead of being brushed to one side and forgotten about to prevent drama being caused. Surely making a decision promptly would prevent those problems escalating and more damage being caused.

Now it’s all about going to the far ends of a fart to get something resolved whether it be medication changes, insurance claims or even just returning an item of clothing without having to barter a refund. It’s such a shame people don’t listen as much as you’d like them to. Why can’t we just be able to get our point across without feeling shit afterwards? I don’t think they’ll ever be an answer to this question so I’m gonna stop rambling.

As for today’s actions I went to the doctors this morning for a general checkup and an asthma review. Surprisingly I was in there for 45 minutes- I’m only in appointments for that time during specialist/therapy appointments. The doctor was rather nice having a chat about the weather, how my chest is rather weakened however stressed that I continue with my exercise and double up on my inhalers when required.

Talking about exercise I started Jillian Michael’s killer buns and thighs. I’ve been promised that I’m going to be a lean mean fat grilling machine in no time so I will meet Jillian half way and give it a good go. I may alternate and do the 30 day shred a couple of times a week. Keep your fingers crossed.

Food wise I’ve been rocking and rolling eating special K for breakfast, homemade noodles and a chicken wrap for lunch. I’ve been having my usual cuppa intake and have not eaten chocolate FOR A SECOND DAY RUNNING. Did I write that down right? Woooooo.

Roll on this evening’s meal chicken and veg. Actually come to think of it I’ve forgotten to take the chicken out of the fridge so just plain boring veg. Steamed of course. I may have one Yorkshire pud for good measure.

To conclude today’s post. Stand up for what’s right but more importantly stand up for yourself and want what’s right for you. You shouldn’t have to settle for second best. You should be allowed to live your life to the fullest. No-one particularly likes going to work however we do it so we can enjoy the little luxuries and the occasional meal out with our loved ones.

Stand tall and just be you.

Feeling old..

“We turn not older with years but newer every day”- Emily Dickinson

What a beautiful statement something that sounds good on paper however sometimes that can get us thinking about what the future has in store for us. Sometimes the fear of what the future holds can be quite daunting.

I decided to include this quote into today’s post because I woke up this morning not feeling shaky but feeling rather old.

Now I know how you’re all going to immediately react by saying “Well you’re only 28 that’s not old” and I would agree with you entirely however there’s something about the aging process that makes me wonder. I keep guessing that how in the blink of an eye fifteen years have passed and that life’s changed so much in such a short space of time.

When I was younger I would sit in my bedroom and occasionally think to myself “I wonder what I’ll be like when I’m 30” and low and behold here I’m two years off the big 3 0 and realising that my outcome on life has changed however the same vulnerability can on occasion shine through.

With me I’m all about the reminiscing, I have since I was a child and have always wondered what life has in store. There’s been many a time where my family would nudge me daydreaming about what my future would bring and whether I’d be as insecure in my latter years as I was at the time.

What I have come to understand is that you never know what’s round the corner and that the dreams you once dreamt for yourself don’t always go according to plan. This alteration is something that you shouldn’t frown upon, you should look at your life taking a different course and appreciating what you have in front of you at this very second.

The one person I have noticed over the years who has changed drastically is my dad. Once upon a time my father as the man about town dressed up to the nines in his eighties get up of tight white pants, velvet green shirt and bleached blonde hair resembling Lamahl. Then it was all the rage.. now.. well I still think in some parts of the country it’s all the rage.

From what I’ve heard (My parents have painted a rather pretty picture) my dad was a new romantic who was constantly reinventing himself to not only stand out from the crowd but to stop the aging process in it’s tracks.

Come 1985 I came along and my dad still thought he was the bees knees however knew that once I entered into his life that he would have to come to terms with the fact that he was getting older and that unfortunately he couldn’t stop the aging process.

As the years went by I watched my dad’s weight fluctuate, his views on life change considerably and his jokes get worse however the more I look at him the more I accept that we do get older and that new patterns will emerge.

On my journey of recovery the one thing that stands out the most are the views I now have about Epilepsy and anxiety. As a child I was one who needed that reassurance and was on that quest to prove a point and prove to my condition that I couldn’t let it win.

Now I’d like to think I’m a woman who still has her blonde moments however looks at life differently who accepts that you win some and lose some when it comes to all aspects of our lives.

The ambition to be successful still stands however my determination nowadays isn’t necessarily for financial gain or materialistic value it’s the wanting to be happy that appears to have taken centre stage. It’s the belief that irrespective of having a condition the anxiety won’t prevent me from being happy like it once did.

As the quote said earlier it’s about becoming a newer person and developing new skills as you get older. The one piece of advice I’ll offer that has been passed from generations before me is life is about mini victories such as preparing meals for the following day or making decisions that you know will help others. Life shouldn’t be about being afraid of what age has to bring but the new chapters of your book you’ll be writing as you’re getting older.

In relation to today’s events well it’s been an eventful one (pardon the pun it was rather poor).

My husband and I went for a jaunt to the local shopping centre for a mooch about. Mooching lasted for about two and a half hours.

The intention was to “look round” unfortunately that phrase isn’t in my vocabulary therefore I purchased another instalment of the Jillian Michaels series that being ” Buns and thigh workout”. As recommended by a couple of twitter pals I thought I’ll give it a whirl and complain later.

Before I go into the shopping items one must purchase on a shopping trip I have to have a mini power rant. What is it with people please? Now smoking’s been abolished in public areas the smells coming from people are rather whiffy.

I understand there are people out there with medical issues and I totally sympathise with those however farting though? Everywhere I went all I could smell was a waft of either rotten egg or digested McDonalds. Now ha’way is this really necessary? Go for a dump.

I was trying to find the perpetrators however they were nowhere to be seen. Don’t people realise that although this can at times be comical that it fucking stinks? If you need the loo then please go don’t keep walking around infusing the air with this smelly mist!

Anyhow.. enough said on that.

I also decided that if I was going to exercise properly I’ll have to look half decent bouncing about in my living room therefore bought a new Nails inc magnetic colour by the name of Kensington Palace. Very nice and rather striking.

Food wise I have been rather good if I do say so myself. No chocolate for the Saz today. My food log is:

Breakfast- Weetabix (no sugar), fresh orange and a large mug of coffee
Snack: Banana
Lunch: Chicken Ramen (courtesy of Wagamama’s, no egg noodles all rice) and a mineral water
Sofa stop: Another coffee and a cup of tea (It was a large sofa stop)
Evening meal: Salmon with potatoes and broccoli. No Pepsi or weekly galaxy from the gran.

Overall a great success and a no chocolate day. All in the name of healthy eating.

As for the tan. Well.. I’m like a snake shedding it’s skin. I look scaly and are making everyone laugh when I bare my legs therefore don’t intend to be scaring anyone else in the near future until the tan has officially gone. All I can say is thank god for jeans.

To conclude today’s post. Feeling old. Well we all feel old from time to time don’t we? You cannot change the inevitable therefore make new memories and embrace what the future has to hold.

You’re only here for a short time therefore make it a good time and make each moment count. Try to be happy with what you have and what you stand for. That too counts for something.

Trying.. It’s better than doing nothing.

Good afternoon everyone.

My husband and I have been away on a mini break to the lakes i.e. “Our home away from home” and have returned rejuvenated and refreshed. As I haven’t blogged for over 48 hours what have I missed?

Today I thought I’d mix up this afternoon’s post with a turn of events instead of my usual quote. Don’t worry I’ll get onto that in a sec.

Going to Windermere is like nothing else. The plus points is that there’s nothing else to do but eat, drink and hike. The downside being is that usually (well approximately 80% of the time) it rains non stop and your mobile phone signal’s rubbish. This time we had a little luck with it raining for half of Friday and a little yesterday evening however the phone signal well… it was still rubbish.

What never ceases to amaze me is the tranquillity the lakes bring and the way stress can disappear in an instant.

The one thing that I enjoy about the lakes is that there’s no trash. You haven’t got people causing havoc wherever you go and everyone comes across as civilised by having the odd pint outside the local pub or most importantly having a clotted cream scone (with jam of course) inside the nearby coffee shop.

You can watch the whole world pass you by and apart from having your umbrella up everywhere you go to you can just relax and adhere to what the lakes has to offer.

The contrast between last and this weekend is unreal. Last week was all about the hectic happenings of good old London town where the city never slept and the moths flying out of my purse after returning home from an evening out not spending anything less than £100 a night. Then you have the lakes where you can mosey around without a care in the world.

Yesterday evening it was all about going to the loveliest little cinema in the world that my husband and I try to retreat to whenever we go. After reading the reviews of the new Michael Douglas film Behind the candleabra I thought I’d give it a whirl.

Established in 1926 this town hall was converted into a mini cinema that consists of three screens airing the current cinema releases. It was like a mini dream. The tickets were £5 each, the confectionary was a fraction of the amount you’d pay nowadays and the cinema screen was covered by a little ruffled curtain.

What made it even more cute was the fact there was a young man who entered just before the film started with a tray of confectionary before saying “Hope you all enjoy the film” aw bless him.

That’s the thing about nostalgia. I can’t get enough of it. That’s the way cinema’s should be today instead of having to pay overpriced tickets, overpriced confectionary and extra charges for 3D glasses. What a con.

As for the film. It was rather good actually. The film itself was about Libarace and his gay lover. The one liners were rather comical and I was in hysterics at one stage. If you like Matt Damon then definitely see because his tush was shown more times than I had sweet treats this weekend.

It’s safe to say these past 48 hours I have eaten like a horse. I have attempted to get the old 50 squats/situps etc in when I could however to be brutally honest with you I couldn’t be bothered. I mean who wants to go to the lakes and do exercise?

Part of my mind was saying yey the other saying ney therefore I did halfy half by swimming 40 lengths of the pool and hiking a little. Other tasks included sunning myself in the steam room, sauna, Jacuzzi and then freezing my wablets off (and hoping my arse would shrink) in the ice room. By gosh that was cold.

The meals were outstanding. The first night I was rather good with a chicken chow mein. Oh how the following day went downhill.

I ate one fish and chips, two chocolate muffins, two steaks with Dianne sauces (veg included), a large bag of minstrels, three coffees daily and copious amounts of food in the B&B we stayed at. So much for my eating healthy. I’ve put on about 5lbs and I’m not impressed.

If Kill Jill was there she’d tell me I was letting myself down and I would return the favour by throwing her into the lake therefore I’m resuming my healthy eating regime tomorrow because I know she’d be right.

The 30 day shred will officially recommence this evening and as my mother has eaten the entire contents of my husband’s chocolate stash then I’m good to go.

Right well enough chit chat I best crack on with the quote of the day:

“Trying times are not the times to stop trying”- Ray Owen.

And rightly so Ray. Trying is not about giving in. It’s about understanding where you’ve gone wrong and learning from it.

My parents used to say that “Trying was better than doing nothing” and as long as you knew you’d tried your best then that was the most important. You may find from time to time that people slot the word trying and failing in the same sentence. Unfortunately they don’t interpret that trying is better than giving in.

What I’ve noticed is that when it comes to a condition such as Epilepsy then failure isn’t an option because people with Epilepsy usually have the same hope. That hope is that our condition will be manageable enough for us to live a normal life; a one where our condition doesn’t necessarily have to get in the way.

It’s the “letting go” effect and knowing that one day we won’t be waking up worrying about our condition but that we’ll be waking up eager to start the day. It’s the achieving our mini goals we set for ourselves is what keeps you motivated even when you’re body’s suggesting otherwise.

There was many a time where I’d just want to wave goodbye to my Epilepsy however knew that this couldn’t be the case. In comparison to changing your outfit or eating healthier Epilepsy is something that tests the human mind both mentally and physically and can feel at times that you’re burning yourself out with the worries a condition such as that can bring.

What we need to decipher is whether it’s the condition stressing us out or whether it’s the stress we are putting ourselves under about a condition that’s out of our control that we must start thinking about.

If you know what the side effects are to your condition then try and put yourself in a position where you can detect the warning signs (in my case it was the anger/worry) and try to find a happy place, a place where you’re comfortable and are feeling relaxed.

Trying is an essential to move on. Trying is something that you should never be afraid to do. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll fall? So your gut instinct should tell you to get back up and carry on because life’s too short to worry.

Compared to my Epilepsy the anxious Saz would be the one that would hit me the hardest.

Growing up there was always this person who was afraid that I wouldn’t have sufficient friends or that I wouldn’t be liked by all. I’d sit panicking over nothing going to excess to be loved.

Nowadays I couldn’t give a shit, if you don’t like me then that’s your loss. I can’t make you like me. Another thing my family told me “You’ll never be liked by everyone” and they were right.

I still have my moments before going out for a meal where the anxious side of me may come out however I know now what those anxious feelings are and allow them to subside gradually by grabbing a small glass of wine or getting a little fresh air.

Having moments of your old self isn’t a bad thing, it’s the differentiating between the two that’s crucial. It’s the knowing when you’re slipping back into the old you should be enough to shout “STOP” at yourself before continuing down the path you want for yourself not what the old you is telling you.

It’s taken over twenty years of my life to say this but I want what’s right for me now not what everyone else wants for me. I refuse to stop trying particularly when my condition’s involved.

I don’t want to pile the pressure on myself anymore because by applying this method can only result in one thing.. failure. Trying is one thing, being everything to all men is another and unfortunately you cannot be everything to all men. You have to just do the best with what you have.

To conclude today’s post. Trying is a necessity. Many look at trying as being a difficult task or that they are having a trying day. Maybe I interpret trying as something else because that’s all I’ve ever done as a means of getting by. Doing nothing can result in you kicking yourself more than not giving it a go.

There’s another quote about trying that I must share:

“I think I can.. I think I can.. I think I can.. I know I can”

There’s no such word as can’t.

It’s the little changes that count the most.

“You don’t have to be great to get started but you have to get started to be great”- Les Brown

Today’s quote is one that has great meaning to it.

You don’t have to be the most intelligent person to stand out from a crowd nor do you have to be the prettiest person out there to be noticed. It’s the way you portray yourself to others that makes you shine brighter.

It’s the expression you make, the progression by feeling comfortable in your own skin and the decisions you make that count the most. Even now I’m learning new things, every day I learn something more about the people I’m surrounded by and it’s only then that I can see where I stand in the grand scheme of things.

With the insecurities I’ve faced I have battered myself down when it was uncalled for. I’ve raised questions that should never have been raised and I have backed myself into a corner with my condition that has made me feel worthless. This is not a way to live therefore I’ve made a promise to myself to be the best I can be and not be what others want from me.

Growing up greatness was having the best that money could buy.

As the majority of my family hadn’t been to university I made it my priority to go down a path that others chose not to go down. In my opinion doing so could potentially enter me into another place far away from my condition. By being a grade A student and earning pots of cash could allow me to be the career woman I always dreamt of being and could give me the life I only dreamt of, the life my grandmother made for herself in the late sixties.

Unfortunately that dream didn’t come into fruition fully (I went to university and returned after a few months) and I felt disappointed in myself. Merge this disappointment with my seizures returning and I felt a complete failure. Bouncing back from this was extremely difficult however something over the years I’ve accepted has happened for a reason. That’s the thing with life. Things do happen for a reason.

You won’t always be inseparable with the friends you once knew or the partners you once fell in love with. Decisions are made that can alter the entire dynamics of your life and can be perceived as being the decision you felt was right at the time. Looking back everyone makes decisions they wish they could alter however by not making that decision could have resulted in you not being in the position you are now and how strong of a person you’re becoming because of that process.

On the question of being great. Life can be a great thing, it can be a blessing however can cause havoc at times. I’m in the middle of making a decision now that could be the turning point in my life. I have come to realise that you cannot compare yourself to others because the life they lead is their life and not yours.

From people I’ve spoken to in the past the question has always been raised of:

Are we ever happy with our lot and if not why not?

When I say this I mean our lifestyle, our homes, jobs, families, friends etc. Yes it would be bloody marvellous to be millionaires or to live a lavish lifestyle however this isn’t the case and cause more friction than what it’s worth.

Ask yourself this. Would you rather have someone around you for you or would you rather have someone that wants to be around you because you’re at they beckon call all of the time?

I have evaluated this so many times in the past and understand that sometimes what you see on the outside isn’t necessarily what is happening on the inside. They say the grass is always greener on the other side however I have to disagree and I’ll explain why.

This morning I read a caption about a teenage boy who wanted so desperately for his Epilepsy to disappear. He would constantly analyse his life without his condition thinking that his life would be so much better without it. Whilst reading this article I noticed that the more I read the more I could see the old me in the way this boy was writing. Although I sympathised with him it got me thinking.

If we didn’t have Epilepsy would the decisions we make harm our health more than the decisions we are currently making?

I know in my case I’m now sensible about the amount of alcohol I consume and although I have never been a massive drinker are aware of my surroundings should an episode take place. I’m in control of me because failure to do so could result in me having a shaky bout and by extension that having an impact on the people around me.

I can’t afford to be consistently stressed out over the simplest of things therefore any negativity in my life now is erased because life’s too short to sit there wondering whether changing things would make life better. Nowadays I think of my granddad telling me to stop worrying, go out there and just be you. That’s the one thing about grandparents. They aren’t in your life for as long as you’d hope however the advice they give you is priceless and makes perfect sense.

On the topic of making sense today has definitely made sense and I haven’t eaten chocolate now for a couple of days.

I’ve been reading through my twitter timeline and getting advice along with words of encouragement from my slimming world buddies who have given me the inspiration to eat healthier. Although I’m not on slimming world I’m starting to understand SW jargon and thinking twice before picking out my favourite foods from the fridge.

Food today has consisted of wheatabix (no sugar), two coffees (one at home, the other a decaf skinny latte from Costa), a cup of tea (no twirl), two homemade chicken wraps with peppers, salsa and cucumber and a small cup of tea.

This evening I’m making homemade hunters chicken with veg but before I enter this glorious homemade concoction I will be entering the world of Jillian Michael’s for a half hour.. Duh Duh Duhhhhhh! The wicked witch of the west with a killer physique.

As for the tan no more steaks just spots of white on a duskier orange skin. I’m off to the lakes again this weekend so am hoping it’s faded even more. If not they hey ho! Haha!!

To conclude today’s post. Those subtle changes are something that can alter our mind-set and can give us the push we need when we are feeling a little blue.

Never regret what you have done because you cannot change the past you can however live your present and start planning for your future. With me my Epilepsy was a burden now I look on it as a part of my life that as much as I never wanted is here to stay for the time being therefore we might as well get on.

Don’t let anyone tell you what you’re doing is wrong because only you know what you want to achieve. Never let anyone tell you differently.