Great expectations?

“You can’t base your life on other peoples expectations”-Stevie Wonder.

Expectation. To expect something from someone, to expect that life will be easy or to base our own problems on what we expect ourselves to be.

Great expectations was a book I enjoyed as a child. It was also a book I studied at secondary school. I was engrossed by the characters and once I picked it up I couldn’t put it down. A book about sorrow, love. The meaning was in the title.

For those who haven’t read it I’d advise you give it a glance because it’s definitely worth a read. The portrayal of the characters was amazing whereas the author gave us a beautiful description of how people are perceived.

With me Epilepsy was always a challenge that I couldn’t quite overcome. For those who are aware the feeling of not being able to tie my Epilepsy down was something that was impossible to do and the coming to terms with where Epilepsy felt like a chore.

To expect myself to be this person who would bounce back proved harder than the other people around me with my condition and I felt alone. Although family were there to provide me with that sense of certainty it was only until I made the decision to find myself did things start slotting into place.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve felt like life is going ninety to the dozen zooming past me with the shakes battling me in what feels like a one I feel that I’m losing.

Last week I shook five times in one week albeit it ones that didn’t fully wipe me out there was this concern as to where they’d come from and whether it was just an imbalance in my body that needed rest and recuperation. No grande mal seizures were involved however it did dawn on me that there’s something not right.

As you’re all aware through previous blog posts I was a people pleaser a one that would have this gravitational pull towards what others wanted and not necessarily what I wanted for myself. The odd bout of feeling occasionally overwhelmed me in time of need however I’m putting that down to being human nothing more. I had to take responsibility for that.

It was only until I reached a certain age did it come to fruition that I cannot be what others want me to be as they have their own lives to lead.

One example was the expectancy of bouncing back as a child when my parents permanently separated. For those who’ve read my blog posts from the beginning will know I’m a family person. I live for family and I adore them with all that I have. When my parents ended their relationship it took the thick end of fifteen years to realise that there was no hope for my parents.

Although they provided me with happiness and stability on a separate basis it was difficult to see two people come together for their daughter but not for themselves. Maybe my expectation of their scenario was too great. Life goes on and if you’re not happy you can’t pretend to be. Nowadays I see this, as a youngster the signs didn’t reach me. Hell they shouldn’t have been and I know this now.

As selfish as it may come across you need to want what’s best for you and there comes a stage in life where only you can make that decision.

Lately I’ve done a lot of thinking about how I’m supposed to feel when I come up against a challenge that can change your life forever. That’s the thing with my condition it gets me thinking, it makes me feel on edge however instead of expecting myself to be all singing all dancing I’m realising that when Epilepsy is involved things take time. We have to look at each experience in it’s own merit.

When it comes to expectancy Is it about being happy or is it about doing what’s right?

With me whenever there’s a knock in the road my health tends to suffer however what I am questioning is the strength of who I am and whether this bump with my Epilepsy I can bounce back from. I truly hope I can.

When I write Sazzle’s blog I tend to give an insight as to who I am and what I represent and unfortunately when writing blogs everything isn’t always going to be hunky dory. It’s bound to have that emotional discontent at times however my aim is to make you see that happiness is key.

We cannot prevent what’s round the corner however things happen for a reason, change is inevitable if you want it to be and that on the basis you have the hunger inside of you to make a stand then you will succeed even if it’s only for your own wellbeing.

As I sit here this morning I can see why society can put expectation on others.

Why do we always have to be content with what society wants for us condition or not? Why can’t we just be ourselves and make the decisions that’s right for us not what’s right for others?

Why is there this expectancy to be a certain way? In our worlds there shouldn’t be.

It should be about analysing the appropriate things that matter, get it down on paper and evaluate what your expectancy of yourself ought to be. There shouldn’t be this worry about being second best to anyone. You’re bound to have problems however you have to do what’s right for you.

As for the remainder of my week…

The shakes have dominated the situation at the moment and I’m attempting now I’m feeling a little better to get back into my exercise regime and to bounce back stronger both mentally and physically.

Apart from that the bank holiday weekend has been a relaxing one and now the house is finally sorted maybe I can take that time to relax and spend time with my loved ones without this worry of wondering when the next shake will hit.

No funny stories to tell apart from a bottle of pepsi going all over the new kitchen however that’s another story altogether. Merge shaking, sticky feet and trying to sort out a kitchen floor and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Hey you’ve got to see the funny side of it.

To conclude today’s post. Expectation. Don’t let it overwhelm you. As I’ve said before do what’s right for you. Only you will thank you for it later on.


There’s no quick fix…

“Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you”-Coldplay.

First and foremost this has to be one of my all time favourite lyrics from a band that I’ve loved since I was a teenager.

It’s a lyric that has stuck with me since it was released and every time I hear it I get this overwhelming sense of emotion knowing that each and every word means something.

Fix you is without doubt one of my favourite Coldplay songs because if you listen to the song for long enough you can see there’s a hidden meaning that everyone could interpret differently.

It’s safe to say the words hit you like a bag of hammers and before you know it you’re raising the volume and singing at full pelt. Well.. Maybe that’s just me.

With me I’ve chosen this particular lyric tonight because when it comes to anything in life there’s no quick fix.

Effort plays a significant role in all changes you make to your life.

Listening and taking the advice from others also plays a major part in how you want to change your mindset or better still how the people who care for you see you for who you are and what you represent. It’s about having the right support network around you.

Throughout my time with Epilepsy there was this struggle.

The struggle to want to be bigger and better, to show the world that Epilepsy wouldn’t be what I was solely known for and that whatever the circumstance I was never going to stare Epilepsy in the face.

In my eyes I was going to bypass Epilepsy and not rise to the argument I thought my condition wanted me to have with it.

I was trying to dodge the one thing I couldn’t do and that was to accept myself for me. To leave the past alone and to allow myself to go down a path of my choosing. I wasn’t at peace with myself.

There were no easy answers and I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to sit myself down and give myself the talking to I’d tried to put off for years.

The same rules applied with the way that life changes whilst you’re growing up learning new experiences, meeting all types of personalities and gaging an understanding as to where you stand in the world.

It’s what my dad would call a learning curve but for me it was something that I was living. I didn’t want to share it I wanted to handle myself however never quite knew how.

As I sit here this evening writing this blog post listening to that very song on my Ipod I look back at what the last 21 years have been like and instead of passing my problems off as a bad job I’m growing to realise that life is full of ups and downs and usually there are more downs than ups. That is normal.

That’s why we should be appreciative of what we have and to see that whatever tries to break you should in fact make you stronger.

Today I read through my Epilepsy diary and noticed that it had been over 5 and a half years since I had my last grande mal seizure.

Immediately I felt overjoyed at the fact that I’d gone so long and instead of being reluctant questioning when the next episode would arise I sat there with my cup of tea, a rich tea finger that ended up floating in my tea (because I’d dunked it for too long) and the TV in the background.

As I sat I raised a little smile and carried on with my day.

I thought to myself I could sit here analysing my shakes and the emotional distress they cause or I could look at the achievement I’d just written and believe that anything is possible. It’s the belief that we have in ourselves that give us the feeling to want more for ourselves.

When I refer to wanting more I don’t necessarily mean in monetary terms I mean by just being happy with what we currently have. The knowing that on a daily basis how fortunate we are to be live in a world where problems can be addressed and people are prepared to offer their support.

Instead of becoming deflated at the episodes we are having to say you’re worried about something or to go to someone to get something off your chest means you’re halfway there.

You may never eliminate Epilepsy from your life entirely, there’s definitely no quick fix to do so however to accept yourself for who you are in my opinion is more important and shows how strong you really are.

Yesterday the world went into mourning because actor Robin Williams had passed away. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.

As I turned on the news yesterday my heart became heavy at the fact that such a talent had been taken from us so early.

A man who made many a child smile and many an adult howl with laughter because their lives usually resembled the jokes he’d address to millions.

As I sat there yesterday morning reminiscing about sitting in the middle of my living room floor fixated at Robin Williams dancing about with a hoover dressed as Mrs Doubtfire I started to think that life can change at any time.

As I watched the sheer volume of condolences coming through it dawned on me that life is too short. I know I’ve said that many a time before however it’s true.

People who you may never know personally can play such a poignant role on your life in general whether it be through humour, kind words or just a nod of the head to acknowledge you. Whatever the circumstance nothing goes unnoticed.

As for the remainder of the week..

Exercise it’s back on track. I’m doing rather well exercising a minimum of five days per week at half an hour a day.

Eating wise I haven’t restricted chocolate out of my diet entirely however now the sugar is officially out of my hot drinks this leaves room for my homemade smoothies that ensure no fruit goes to waste. See I can now totally justify purchasing my £100 blender.

As for the remainder of my time it’s all systems go. The back garden is now getting refurbished with the odd plant being potted and new paving outside.

My new kitchen resembles the dust on the icy roads when the gritters have been round in the Winter therefore my mop has been out and I’m attempting to be the good housewife.. for all of twenty minutes. Apart from that that’s about it.

To conclude today’s post.

There is no such thing in life as a quick fix. Many may disagree however I’ll beg to differ. Buying the odd purchase can result in temporary happiness however it never quite resolves the issue does it?

I believe that time is a great healer, I also believe that time is of the essence therefore utilise that time wisely. Put yourself first for a change. Attempt if you can to ignore the pressure that we have all been renowned for putting on ourselves and be happy with who you want to be and what you want from life.

As I’ve said numerous times before the past is the past, the present is now and the future is yet to be written therefore stand up tall and do what’s right for you.

The art of courage.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”-Anon.

The quote above has been chosen today because I’ve drawn the conclusion that life and courage walk simultaneously together. Courage can be underestimated to others because we are expected through life to face up to the knocks and keep going without any worry. Unfortunately it’s not as simple as that. It can take days, weeks or even years to digest certain information so that when you do digest it you never look back.

This to me is something that over time has become a cross to bare however as I go through my own personal journey I’m coming to terms with the fact that life is to be lived, the people closest to you are meant to be treasured and that unnecessary worry shouldn’t make you self destruct.

It’s about becoming who you really are taking the highs with the lows and appreciating all scenarios as they help form who you end up being. It’s about being you. Not what people want you to be. It’s about saying no at times and doing what’s right for you.

Since writing Sazzle’s blog I have made my feelings known as to how I cope (or the lack of feeling  like I was when I was younger), the worries that I was facing and the brick wall I had chosen to put up to my nearest and dearest when I felt that times were overwhelming.

As each year passes it’s safe to say that courage is one of the words that I cannot underestimate and that is giving me the strength to want to continue with the process of moving forward.

Yesterday I was faced with a challenge something that hit me like a ton of bricks and unlike the grand mal seizures and the shaky bouts before it was to test my endurance. Whilst at work my body became very weak, I felt that I wasn’t all there, names were getting muddled and what frustrated me the most was that my body and mind weren’t in sync with one another.

There was this smell this cross between hard boiled eggs and washing powder, It stunk.  Immediately I thought a grand mal seizure was on the horizon. Was this an aura or was this my mind playing tricks on me because my body felt low?

I’ve been renowned over the years for being a bit of a routine queen that is quick on a keyboard (my technical knowledge on the other hand isn’t as quick) and tries to remain bubbly at all times however yesterday I was quiet, I turned down chocolate (which is a first), I was frustrated and emotional because this was new.

It was change and I didn’t particularly like it. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was and trying to decipher in my own head what was happening was difficult. This was to happen for a couple of hours.

As I walked around the building with my husband to try and sort myself out there was this part of me thinking “Had I just had my first absent seizure” because I wasn’t shaking, there was no lack of sensation in my face or hands and apart from a headache the symptoms from my previous epileptic episodes didn’t match up. It felt weird.

Immediately I knew there was a rabbit off and the art of courage merged with the advice of the people around me gave me the determination to want to bounce back.

After returning home body exhausted I fell asleep and didn’t awake for a few hours. My body had shut down and instead of feeling weak for the remainder of the evening as I usually am I was up and ready to go.

I didn’t want to be defeated and as for the six hours from the moment of weakness to my awakening I felt fine. I knew rest was required therefore remained settled.

There wasn’t this feeling of anxiety. There was this moment of happiness because I had accepted this new factor instead of stewing about it all night. As silly as it may sound instead of allowing the fear to dominate the situation I accepted it and felt at peace with myself.

Yesterday evening as my body continued to resume back to normal.I couldn’t help but ask myself the following questions:

What if we didn’t have courage in our lives what would we be like?

Would we ever bounce back? Only you can answer that question.

On a personal level I know that it’s taken time to find out what my definition of courage is and that acceptance plays a major role with how you want courage to help contribute towards your life.

We can all sit here wondering what each day has in store for us. Will we have another seizure, will be counting the days till the next episode only to feel like we’ve hit a stumbling block. No we shouldn’t because irrespective of counting you never know what’s round the corner, who you might meet, what situations may arise but most importantly how you tackle those situations.

Like all medical conditions Epilepsy can test your patience however to prove to it that you are still being you whilst coping with what you have is an achievement in itself and takes a significant amount of courage to do.

As for the remainder of my week..

Exercise- Slacked off a little but I’m back on it, the usual five days per week (excluding yesterday)

Food- Apart from my chocolate refusal yesterday I’m eating well. Sweet treats make a swift appearance however I’m mindful of what a large box of chocolate cookies are doing to my hips therefore am cutting that down a tad.

As for the rest of me I’m plodding along, singing a song and just enjoying myself the way we all should do.

To conclude today’s post. Courage. Doesn’t have to be a big word but a word that doesn’t half make a difference. We all have and have implemented courage in our lives at some stage. You may not think it but rest assured you will have.

Never doubt your capabilities. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses therefore be happy with the achievements you have made to your life so far and look forward to what’s about to come. As I said earlier you never know what’s round the corner…That’s a completely different blog altogether but I guess you’ll just have to wait for that one.