Flaws and all.

” Once you’ve accepted your flaws no one can use them against you”- Anon.

For those that are Beyoncé fans no I’m not going to break into the tune Flaws and all (A fabulous song by the way) however I’ve decided that writing about our flaws isn’t necessarily a bad thing. No sympathy involved just writing away.

Whether you document them for all to see, whether you choose to shout them out loud or whether you choose to have a little conversation with yourself there’s nothing the matter with accepting that you have flaws.

A big question though? What on earth are flaws? I mean did someone just randomly make up that word to sum up the word imperfection? Well whatever the weather we all have flaws.

A significant amount of individuals in the world today associate the word flaw with something that isn’t astatically pleasing such as their weight, their appearance, their sense of style, their health or the fact that they don’t fit in with the in crowd.

What I’ve noticed growing up is that people usually (I include myself in this sentence when I was younger) tend to attempt to be someone they’re not i.e. putting on a front to mask the insecurity you have.

There will be a few of you reading this thinking that what I’ve just said couldn’t be farther from the truth and maybe you’re right however when it comes to our flaws they tend to be something that we mask in order to erase the true concerns glaring us in the face. Flaws can overwhelm us especially when you approach the situation and worry that discussing that flaw with a third party can be dismissed and brushed to one side.

With me there are various emotions I’ve had when addressing what I perceive to be my flaws.

First and foremost I was never a person that put on a significant amount of weight.

As you well know I’ve always been a sweet tooth chocolate was my be all and end all. I drank fizzy drinks like they were going out of fashion and I never had any form of dental work done in the process.

I studied hard at school, would prance about dancing around looking like I didn’t have a care in the world and family were my everything.

Many would be overjoyed with that however to me it wasn’t enough.

I was concerned about my appearance, about the way I was perceived to others and whether I was constantly “Doing the right thing” .

I would come across as a girl with a bubbly personality however a one striving to be caring about the ones I loved however carefree about all anything that was irrelevant in my life.

As I look back I see a young girl lost on occasion. This thought pattern would get me down because it felt like I was overcompensating my personality to be something I wasn’t on a daily basis. This was of my own making. This I’ve realised has taken time and a hell of a lot of conversations with councillors along my nearest and dearest to eventually tackle.

Upon receiving my Epilepsy diagnosis many moons ago this worry would be magnified.

This worry about my personality would be enhanced because now with my Epilepsy in my mix questions would crop up particularly when my behaviour was concerned. Questions such as what would people think about my condition , would telling my friends about my Epilepsy result in my friendships taking a knock, whether I should be what others wanted me to be to get ahead or bare my flaws for all to see.

My family loved me for who I was therefore why couldn’t I?

This is the thing with flaws you get yourself in a muddle however what is apparent in all flaws is that you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have them. It’s like making mistakes you’re only human. To this day I would possibly say that my flaws have altered as the years have gone by.

To name a few my inconsistency when having group conversations by adding as much content as possible into the conversation incase I forget, the taking on different voices to represent others when I talk or the whittering on about random things is just a part of me.

Instead of constantly trying to change who I am I’m learning to embrace what I am and that’s a person that likes to have a plan, a person that wants to give her all into everything she does and a person that knows in time that the mini victories I set for myself will eventually be achieved. This all comes with acceptance and experience.

Why be a person that wants everything yesterday? Why not save some for tomorrow or the day after, or the day after that?

If you were perfect life would be pretty mundane and downright boring because no goals would need to set, the pitfalls that make you a stronger person would never come and the want to be a better person would never be achieved. Life is about more knocks than successes and to rise above is a truly remarkable thing particularly when our Epilepsy is concerned.

As for the remainder of the two weeks..

The family’s all good. Benny well that Cat makes me laugh on a regular basis. If his paws aren’t parked on the chair, they’re parked on the beanbag or on the upstairs sofa bed. That cat is literally everywhere. He eats me out of house and home, he meows for England and bringing in field mice are becoming a regular thing.

He’s worse than a small child. Biased as I may be he’s an adorable boy and a one that doesn’t half make his mam proud.

My usual Saz ritual of eating healthy and exercising regularly has well and truly gone out of the window. After giving myself a long talking to this morning I have decided that the only way forward is to concentrate on my exercise, my healthy eating and general wellbeing. The house is stocked with all things healthy and the T25 is recommencing tomorrow evening. I cannot wait to get back up and crack on!

No other news to share but you know me I love to talk therefore any further findings will be shared as and when.

To conclude today’s post. Accepting your flaws is something that takes time, it’s not as simple as clicking those fingers and off they go. As the quote says you accept you and there’s no comeback worthy of any tears when they’re thrown. If you can appreciate who you are then who cares about what others think of you.

The morale of this post is if people don’t like you then fuck them they aren’t in your shoes and you cannot go on living life trying to accommodate others.

People come, people go and unfortunately when it comes to any condition we strive to be better and stronger that’s what gets us out of bed on a morning. That should be what we should hold onto not the worries of others. It’s what my family would call the walk of life.

There are bound to be things that you want to amend however some things cannot be altered and that’s when acceptance should come into play, just like there are bound to be people who either see you as a threat or are jealous of you.

What is unique is that we all have a life to live, a story to tell and a gimmick to share.

You are who you are and that should be enough. If you feel there’s an element of your life that needs to be changed then evaluate what changes need to occur and on the benefit you’re not hurting others then do it.

Life is too short to be worried about things that aren’t relevant. You need to put you first so start doing it flaws and all.

Live in the moment.

“Live in the moment. Forget the past and don’t concern yourself with the future” Anon.

A short post this evening…

I’ve seen this quote tonight and automatically think of the think of the saying I’ve once said myself that’s to forget about the past, focus on the present and to not think about the future as it’s yet to be written.

As I sit here writing this blog post I think about this evening’s quote and what it should represent. I sit and wonder whether it’s best to live in the moment or whether living in the past ever equates to anything.

As I sit this Saturday evening after finishing a short stint at work I wonder. What is it all about? Why do we concern ourselves with the past? Why can’t we forget the past?

Why can’t we leave the past with where it ought to be left alone? I’ve raised this before however many have asked therefore I’ll mention it again.

I think when it comes to Epilepsy it’s solely because we tend to associate ourselves with our past and usually with the various Epileptic episodes we’ve had.

It’s that feeling of I don’t want to feel that way again therefore how can I prevent it? Look into the past for a better experience perhaps?

This evening I wonder what it’s like to live in the moment and whether we can ever leave the past where it ought to be in the past.

Many may question why I have raised this question however I think it’s because we tend to consider our current lives to be based upon past events.

Whether it be your condition, an insecurity or a worry about a past event we tend to drift there. Into a place we wonder we can ever eradicate. A place where we don’t feel 100%. It’s a worrying prospect.

When I was younger I would think about Epilepsy and wonder whether I’d ever be able to accept it. Whether I would ever be able to embrace the condition I had and be the person I aspired to be.

Twenty one years later I’m getting there slowly but surely I know there’s a person inside of you that we all aspire to be that’s a person who’s confident, worry free and less concerned about the little worries beneath us.

The thing is is that Epilepsy can worry us, it can scare us on occasion and make us question who we really are. It can worry us beyond belief to make us not believe in the moment and make us question what is right within our lives such as what is right, who we can trust and who we can be associated with.

Throughout the seizures and the shaky bouts I have questioned who Saz really is. There have been moments however the more I think the more I think about who I represent, what I want and instead of Epilepsy dominating my life what makes Saz happy. The same rules apply to you.

You cannot prevent what’s happening however trying to remain positive during your process can be a comforting thing and a positive thing at that therefore hold onto it and embrace the moments you have.

As for the remainder of the week.. The shakes are testing my patience however endurance is key. I’m remaining strong, keeping a log of my shakes activity and keeping a level head. No seizures have occurred, the shakes are worrying but I’m keeping a record and remaining strong.

Exercise wise all’s good as is the diet.. apart from the curry and chips each Friday and the wine of a weekend. There’s no point in lying to you guys. All in moderation.

To conclude.. Tonight has been a short post however a one that required no in depth analysis. All I can say is live in the moment. Does what makes you happy and be who you wanna be. Stop worrying and concentrate on the person you want to be. There’s only one you therefore live it, be sensible however do what’s right, what keeps you going and what ensures you live in the moment. You have on life therefore live it.

Apologies. Yay or nay?

“Make no apologies for your personality”- Anon.

I’ve chosen this quote for one reason and one reason only. That’s for you to just be yourself.

After looking through various material this morning I stumbled across this quote and you know what I just liked it. There was no hidden agenda I thought yep this’ll go well and decided to write away.

What comes to mind when you think of people, life and just general wellbeing?

There’s the things that niggle us, the things that frustrate us but most importantly it’s the grievance we have within ourselves about what we bestow on ourselves. This can on occasion turn into the whole “Let’s do what everyone else wants us to do” statement.

Let’s all be a sheep and do what everyone else wants to do. Let’s all look the same, act the same, be the same. How bland eh?

For as long as I can remember there has always been THAT person that’ll to put it bluntly “Have their say” it doesn’t make a difference whether it’s positive, negative, constructive whatever the circumstance there will be a person that you will come across in some stage in your life that’ll have that say, whatever they say is final and you’ll never get that apology if they’re in the wrong.

People like that used to well and truly piss me off to the point where I would think is it any of your business what you think of me? Who are you to point the finger, surely your life isn’t perfect? On the flip side I’d be like Have I done something wrong and how can I make this right?

Recently I’ve been reading material about people’s psychological attachment to their lifelong conditions (Epilepsy included) and how their past and present can have an impact on their personality that by extension can effect how they treat others.

There are the fair few that are introverted not saying boo to a goose preferring to keep themselves to themselves. Then you’ve got the extroverts that make damn sure their presence is known in the room and then you’ve got the one’s in between that are happy to mosey on sharing their opinion at the appropriate times.

The big question is what happens when you don’t fall into those three categories? What do you do? What way should you react?

When I was diagnosed with Epilepsy back in the nineties I felt this urge to apologise to people after I’d had a seizure, a shaking episode, a medication lapse you name it. This was my mind wanting to make sure everyone was fine considering I’d just put them through this situation.

Feeling fragile and a tad deflated I would get angry at the people that would repeatedly have their say without any care, would be wondering why the introverted people preferred not to share their opinion and so desperately wanted to be the person in the middle that contributed by being open however knew when to hold back whilst not giving a toss about what people thought of them.

The biggest hurdle I came across was when I was fourteen sitting in an Epilepsy support group at my nearby doctors clinic discussing various types of seizures and thought patterns each patient would come across. These sessions would usually last about eight weeks. On hand would be a councillor, a neurologist and a nurse.

Along with their thoughts would be the opinions of others (mainly family and friends) that chose to come along to the sessions to offer their support.

Taking my mind back the first image that comes to mind is this same woman usually dressed in black with a mouth on her like a Rottweiler chuntering on about the same old bollocks and passing it off as support for her niece.

Within the group this young lady (same age as me that suffered from absent seizures since birth) was explaining to the group what her Epilepsy diary entailed, the amount of seizures she had and the worry she was enduring every time a seizure arose.

Engrossed in her journey I would sit there listening before asking about how she coped and how she found that inner strength to remain happy even though she was having an average of six seizures a week. We bonded immediately, became friends and started chatting about clothes, music and just the usual things teenage girls chat about.

Within five minutes of my friend opening her mouth her Auntie would belittle her because her personality supposedly shone above that of her niece. She had to be right, end of. It was her way or the highway.

She knew what was best for her niece and she’d be damned if anyone got in her way. Nothing her niece would describe was good enough and to be frank I could feel myself getting more and more agitated watching her try to overcome her Auntie’s criticism.

What I fancied like shouting (amongst other things) was “Who the hell do you think you are, let your niece talk, how the hell do you know what she’s going through you ignorant bitch! If you loved your niece you’d just shut up” Immediately I felt bad for allowing myself to feel so negatively towards someone I didn’t know on a personal level however I couldn’t help it. I was protective.

As the weeks progressed and the sessions became less frequent I could see my friend becoming more and more resentful towards her Auntie before one day on our penultimate session my friend snapped walked out the room, gave her auntie what for and actually had a voice.

Immediately I along with others in the session stood up and clapped so loudly because finally our friend had realised enough was enough and that she no longer had to apologise for being a certain way. Ignorance was shown the door and I was overjoyed.

Due to her Auntie constantly pressuring her to be something she wasn’t she decided that she was no longer going to apologise for her personality. She wasn’t going to be a wallflower anymore. She’d broken free from what others expected her to be and decided that she was going to dig deep and let her personality shine for the first time.

As we approach Epilepsy awareness month I tend to take a little step back and digest how grand a scale awareness should be before I start writing. Epilepsy awareness month isn’t just about educating others. It’s about educating yourself.

It’s about seeing how important it is to write your blog posts, retweet a message you’ve seen about awareness or just to have a chat with someone about Epilepsy as a whole.

Whether you suffer from Epilepsy or not you’re bound to come across people in life that’ll never fully understand your personality and why should they? You’re allowed to be unique.

As long as you’re not breaking the law and repeatedly acting like an arsehole then you’re allowed to have your say on the basis you take on board the criticism you dish to others you’re prepared to get back in return.

It takes a lot to apologise. It also takes a lot to accept an apology but what is certain is that you can rise above and be who you want to be.

As for the rest of the week..

Work, Work and more work. Exercise is going rather well and as for the food if I eat any more vegetables I will burst! Chocolate wise that’s still a part of my life however as I’ve now reduced the coffee intake then I can stop relying on caffeine to live life and to focus on happiness instead.

To conclude today’s post.

Don’t apologise for being yourself. Apologise when you know you’ve done something wrong but don’t lose that fight inside of you. That doesn’t achieve anything.