“Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself”-Anon.
Till a year ago I never knew myself. I allowed myself to be dominated by a condition. A one where although shaking episodes were there I had been seizure free for 4 years at the time.
Tonight I find myself gravitating towards my laptop to quickly write a post while I have these thoughts in my mind. After spending a rather relaxing night in with my better half I cannot help myself writing to enable me to release the thoughts entering my mind.
The quote above has been chosen as I find that on many occasion I feel like I’m in the middle of nowhere and although I intend to be happy, content and as free spirited as I can be I cannot help myself at times and become very regimented when it comes to not only my medication but the way I am in myself.
Whether it be the time I get to work, from the moment I have lunch to the time I go to bed my routine can be very regimented and if I break routine particularly when a shake arises it can feel like the whole world is caving in. There’s no explanation as to why it just does.
When I was younger it felt like I was on this continuous quest to decipher what was the matter and how I could help myself. Looking back I know that my Epilepsy couldn’t be prevented however the way I handled certain things could have been. There comes a stage in life where you feel like there’s nothing left to analyse and that you have to live life the only way you know how. If shit happens, it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t.
Today whilst out on my usual Saturday jaunt with my dad it dawned on me how important our Saturday’s are together and how as a family unit we combine our thoughts to help one another in good times and in bad.
During the course of the day we swear, reminisce and gamble but to be honest I wouldn’t have it any other way as my dad understands me on a completely different level. My dad appreciates that I have to indoctrinate my condition into my life and how there’s a fine balance between living my life and balancing out my condition in times where I feel weak.
Although I have a rather large personality there is a part of me that has (particularly when I was younger) been very insecure wondering why I wasn’t similar to everyone else.
Let’s just say I was Charlie from Charlie and the chocolate factory looking for that golden ticket to bounce me out of the situation I was in and elevate me into a different world; a one that consisted of no neurologist appointments, sleeping to build my strength from having a seizure and a one that didn’t revolve around anti epileptic drugs.
As I’ve grown older I’ve grown to appreciate that these drugs I’ve only dreamt of removing from my life keep me sane, keep me seizure free and what at the back of my mind subconsciously keep me strong in times of weakness.
What I have felt is that in times of seizures, shaking episodes and anxiety is that we all have times of darkness in which we feel like whatever road we go down that it may lead to nowhere however that road must go somewhere. Surely it cannot just stop.
In my case the worry of convulsing would take over at times and it would take a lot for me to want to leave the house after a seizure had arisen. The one thing that I’ve managed to take away from all this is that I didn’t want my seizures to define me. I wanted me to do that of my own accord without my condition getting in the way.
I wanted people to know me for me and not just for my Epilepsy. I wanted individuals to know me for not being the Epileptic or the girl that was unwell but as Saz the bubbly, vivacious yet guarded character. The friend to all.
When it comes to looking at yourself as a whole it’s made me see that life is what you make of it. Whoever you feel you are you are.
Whatever characteristic people perceive you to being let them because you know who you are. We all have insecurities in life and in my case my Epilepsy was one of them.
The not feeling good enough, the worrying as to whether I’d ever materialise into something and the hope that one day I would be able to accept what I have that being my Epilepsy was something I never dreamt possible.
I understand there’s hope now however when I was younger there was no such thing as the yellow brick road. To me it couldn’t be any farther in the distance.
After twenty years of worrying I can officially say that I’m gradually getting there and that worry is no longer the top priority.
I learnt to write down my thoughts and to train my mind to see that there’s more to life that worry. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments however know that worrying gets me nowhere in fact it makes me introverted and not the person know and respect.
The hope is still apparent and the worry is subsiding. The medication has reduced but the Epilepsy is still there. Irrespective of these worries I that as long as I continue in the way I am that things can only get better and if they get worse then I cross that bridge when I come to it. The same applies with you all that’s why we help one another to raise awareness and to advise others that support is required.
As for the remainder of the week…
The diet has gone tits up. Chocolate has dawned it’s ugly face and I tucked into fish and chips this evening. Although a Saturday night treat my body has been feeling well and truly bloated and as unladylike as it sounds I cannot stop farting. I mean maybe a little too much to share with you all but that’s what my fish and chip delight can do for you therefore onwards and upwards tomorrow morning.
Exercise wise this is going extremely well. No pain no gain that’s what I say therefore the food aspect of the healthy eating regime needs to be stepped up a notch.
As for the family well although they are tremendous my bank balance isn’t. Adam and Benny are being typical boys watching the football together. Instead of drinking beer Benny is into drinking the dregs of my tea (cold undrank tea from my mug) not something I’m impressed with but something that ihe’s trying to mimic from my husband much to my our dismay.
The yankee candle obsession has reached new heights and if you’re fortunate enough (hehe) to follow me on instagram then you can see that I’m now sending scents of the day. Today a child’s wish is being burned. Two candles and an illumalid for £28 were bought today however I managed to get them for £18!
As I’d spent so much and was now in a position to get a £10 voucher my Saturday purchases was £10 cheaper. Happy days. This girl is officially smiling.
To conclude today’s post.. Well so much for the small blog post. What I’ve realised today is that people change, the feelings towards our condition change and the person we are changes on a daily basis. Whether this be down to health, worry or happiness our mood alters regularly and there’s nothing the matter with that.
We can sit here wondering whether we are on the path to nowhere however as long as we know in ourselves what we want, we stand together and fight and remain positive then why should we feel like we are on the road to nowhere? Life is too short to sit there wondering therefore be happy and live you’re life the way you want, not what people want from you.