Reaching the top and questioning your ability.

“When you reach the top keep climbing”- Anon

Sometimes we feel like we never reach the top do we? One sentence to define that question. That’s life.

You’re bound to have more stumbles than you are achievements however by stumbling can make you see that the achievements are all worthwhile.

Lately I’ve been appreciating life for what it is. There are moments still particularly at my weakest where I will question how and why I’m shaking and whether paranoia has officially sunken in. Let’s explain why.

Over the past few months I haven’t been at my strongest. My shakes test my patience no end, I’m losing the feeling in the left hand side of my face at least once a week now and I’m constantly tired.

Fortunately no seizures have came however there’s this part of me that is sick of saying “I’m unwell” to be brutally honest it get’s people down. They don’t want to hear about “Mrs Misery guts” maybe people want to see an uplifted Saz with not a care in the world. Unfortunately I know I cannot be this ALL of the time.

Part of me has questioned lately whether a seizure is imminent and whether one will arrive before the year is out. Maybe this will explain why I have been feeling shit lately, either that or a shake is due to make an appearance. Either way I know I cannot second guess what’s due to happen, focus on being me and continuing my day to the best of my ability.

What is it with anxiety? What is it with feeling blue all of the time? Surely it has nothing to do with the weather therefore is it our medication or is more deep set than that?

I’d like to think that my mind wants me to be a go getter not one of these people wanting to mope all the time. I wonder whether age has anything to do with it. Maybe it’s my body getting older adapting to my condition however surely it can’t be.

I’d love nothing more than to carry on with my day without any health issues, come home make the evening meal and chill out on the sofa however as you are all aware it’s not as straight forward as that. Is it for us all?

I think with me it’s about erasing the doubt that my episodes bring. As a person who gets no warning it’s extremely difficult explaining to others that I’m feeling rough out of fear it’s the “Ah not again” predicament that has in the past made me question why they’re thinking that way.

Is it because you don’t believe me? If I was to have a seizure in front of you would you believe me then? Maybe it’s just me.

What I want to shout is “I cannot help it!” however I know in doing so it won’t achieve anything. Like all of you we try our utmost in a day to get through it and at the end say “I’ve had a productive day”. It’s like your fingers are crossed repeatedly hoping that an episode won’t come or that yet another day is ruined. You try not to think about what’s happening and concentrate on what you are doing however it is difficult. I know that.

After spending time doing my usual Dad browsing spree my dad and I got talking.

Dad asked me why I felt insecure about my condition to which responded saying that:

“I didn’t want to let anyone down” before putting my head down in shame. It’s the old me merging with the new me. This applies with everyone.

Dad and I have made our feelings known since the day I could string a sentence together and he dislikes seeing me question myself. Dad’s usual sentence is:

“Fuck everybody else sweetheart. They don’t have to cope with what you’re dealing with. Surely you can see how strong you are, confront others. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone”

To me it’s not as simple as that. I think it’s the wanting to portray to everyone that I’m trying my best even at times of weakness, that I don’t have the mentality of wanting to throw in the towel and finally showing that even though I am reaching the top on my good days that I’m not the sort of person who wants to just stop at that.

I think like this because you never know when the seizures will return and I have to accept defeat when by body is low.

Maybe in times of weakness it’s the worry at times within myself about not feeling equal. Outside of those times I’m usually champion.

Whilst writing this I can see the traits that I see before me and know that it’s not acceptable for me to think this way because the only person who is worrying is me.

The world is your oyster and under no circumstance should I allow a little thing like “insecurity” to get in my way. Remember mini achievements can make you feel like you’re on top of the world and that at the end of the day I know in myself that I am trying my hardest with what I have.

Ask yourself these questions. When an episode hits you what do you do? Have you worried as I have or do you not let people phase you? Do you care one minute about what others think and not the next or are you a laid back person?

I’ve noticed as times have gone on that I care less however there’s always this niggle every so often that makes me wonder whether if I had my condition whether I’d think the same way or not?

I want so desperately to erase this concern from my mind because deep down I know I’m a worker, I’m a fighter and most of all I’m someone who actually gives a shit about others. I think what I need to understand is that you cannot change other people’s perceptions of you therefore you must get on with it and do what’s right for you.

As for the remainder of my weekend.

Exercise done, eating healthy great (apart from the fish and chips because my pay went into my bank account before tomorrow) and the cat fart free.

The odd MAC eyeshadow was purchased and I managed to feel very autumnal with a nice bowl of broth and a slice of crusty bread. The aim is to drink water to keep myself hydrated. As boring as water is without a little cordial I’m persevering and sticking to my plan.

As for the TV. I’m officially glitterfied (if that’s a word) because Strictly Come Dancing is back on. Downton tonight so you know what that means. Cuppa, pyjamas, TV.. Husband in bed because I get the main TV! Any late night football is off. Downton is on.

To conclude today’s post. A bit of a ramble today however a necessary one.

Today is about documenting my thoughts and something that crops up every now and again. I think we are all entitled to reach the top and even when we do we still insist on climbing just incase that winning streak crashes down.

I think we pretty much reach the top every day when we are well however maybe we need to erase that thought and realise that we are reaching the top regularly because we refuse for Epilepsy to defeat us and are making the necessary changes to live our lives the only way we know how to.

Hold your head up high and put your best foot forward. If we all do that then maybe we can kick out this worry once and for all.

Comparing the old and the new.

“By leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown you find out what you are truly capable of becoming”- Anon.

Ironic isn’t it that we are afraid of change yet want so desperately to see whether there’s more than what’s in front of us right now?

Ask yourself this do you like the fear of the unknown or do you dread it? Me I think I’m the latter of the two because I like to be in control however I’m getting there.

The quote above has got me thinking. What happens if we become new people and lose our personality entirely where will we stand? The more I think about that question the more I think not.

Throughout my journey I have embarked on a rollercoaster of emotions that has tested my ability along with the patience of the people surrounding me. Upon diagnosis I didn’t know the foggiest about Epilepsy, to me it was just “My brains gone to sleep” and that was about it.

All I remember is that one minute I’m feeling champion prancing around doing my usual before then hitting the deck and waking up either on the bathroom floor or in bed with someone preferably over the top of me smothering as usual.

Overall the whole experience was daunting yet comforting because to me although I had a bruised knee or a bloody tongue people were listening.. and on a lighter note offering me chocolate at the same time to help me recover and that’s never a bad thing.

It was like I turned into someone else when I was having a seizure the big question was who was I? Who had I turned into and how come I never knew this person? I am unconscious when I have a seizure so I had never really met that person. After hearing stories of what happens when I’m fitting then maybe it’s safe to say that I may be upset meeting this person because this isn’t a true reflection of my personality. It’s the Epilepsy talking.

For those who know me by now will realise that I’m a person that cannot really cope with change. It’s like I have to psyche myself up to go somewhere or try something new.

As I’m getting older I’m gradually loosening up and accepting that if I’m going to be unwell then regardless of where I am an episode is going to hit me. If I could wave a magic wand and wave it to a different scenario then by gosh I would however we can’t can we?

Having Epilepsy is like waiting for a trigger to go off, it’s that emphasis of ensuring that you are ok at all times. It’s the necessity of making sure you take your medication at the correct times, that you have a consistent sleeping pattern and that overall you’re level of optimism is above the norm to get you through the day.

Now for those who have read that and thought “Well I don’t do that, I cope perfectly fine” then you’re one of the lucky ones and my hat goes off to you for that because you’re at peace with yourself with no problems. Many cannot come out with the same sentence therefore help is required and you know what? There’s nothing wrong with wanting help.

With me four and a half years on there’s still this element of me who has that sense of apprehension everytime I feel groggy. It’s like your anticipating something may happen that may never be. If you get an aura or a warning sign then you have a vague idea what’s coming. Me I have literally nothing therefore I’m on alert constantly.

This week I haven’t had any counselling whatsoever, next Wednesday is my next appointment and going into this one I’m feeling a lot happier with the progress I’m making. Like seeing Bob previously I’m looking forward to seeing what my therapist has in store and whether she will challenge me like she did last week.

Merging the explanation I gave earlier in the post with my counselling I’ve foreseen a part of me that is driven yet not as constructive with the way I picture myself wanting everything yesterday. I’m realising that there is a tomorrow and unlike the men who stood on the front line during the world wars that I have a choice.

For years I hid behind a condition that was out of my control and that after a long gruelling process of trying to make myself better I actually made myself worse by over analysing what I wanted.

To me common sense should have prevailed back then and as I’m writing this now I’m understanding that my Epilepsy is my condition and that I am Saz not Epilepsy, not worry, not anxiety just Saz. I cannot be pulled in every direction to keep my family happy, I cannot be someone I’m not to please them.

My philosophy is if you like me I’ll like you, If you love me then I’ll love you back. If you dislike me then fair enough you can’t please everyone all of the time.

Sometimes having a condition such as Epilepsy makes you think differently however apart from the seizures it’s the acceptance that’s key. You are who you are.. end of.

Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to set ourselves apart in a unique way, sometimes we have to grasp that the people who love us are there to protect us not to cause mischief. People who truly love you will stand by you regardless, they may provide you with criticism for your own welfare however if they want to be a part of your life they will allow you and you alone to make the decisions you feel will benefit you.

As for the remainder of the week. Firstly I must apologise for my lack of blogging. This week it’s all been about work, exercising, sorting out mobile phone insurance and bloody farting cats.

I tell you something I think Our Benny has a farting problem. Like all pets I know I have a tendency of giving him a name. My pal Michelle and I today thought Benny could be called Benny the Brilliant and as for her pooch she would be called Milly the Magnificent and that she is mind. She’s a true American beauty and although I haven’t had the pleasure to meet her I bet you she is just stunning in the flesh.

Do you have any names for your pets? Are they Epilepsy awareness pets? If so what would you call them?

In contrast to Milly our Benny cannot stop farting and the house fucking stinks.

The other day he sneaked into our bedroom (he’s not usually allowed) and decided to fart rather loudly on my bed. Daft me thought he was snoring till I smelt the stench. Honestly I’m thinking if this continues that I may have to see if there is any floral cat food for him to pouch on so my house can smell of anything other than Whiskas tinned cat food.. with chicken!

Apart from a smelly cat the husband has been watching football non stop which has meant that I can watch endless hours of makeup extraordinaire duo Pixiwoo.

For those who haven’t tuned in to this YouTube phenomenon then please do. If you love your beauty and makeup then please watch these girls it is addictive however is rather fabulous at the same time. I’ve even learned how to do a smokey eye.. and bought a lot of the products too.. that’s between us.. don’t tell my mother!

Exercise. Going really well. I’m onto level 3 of the slim in 6 programme and have seen a massive change in my fitness without causing too much stress on the body. It’s looking positive.

Food.. well the chocolate’s still there (a smidge) however I have minimised the intake and only had a couple of roses (sweets) from the tin today at work. I have stuck to just having the one hob nob biscuit or a low fat yoghurt.

To conclude today’s post. Step outside your comfort zone however do so in your own time. Epilepsy is a condition that challenges you and makes you feel on occasion low and disheartened. Although you feel this way right now don’t let it dampen your future. Embracing change is difficult however be who you want to be.

Life isn’t about keeping others happy it’s about ensuring that your life is filled with happiness and that you are enjoying the company around you. Having all the money in china may help things however if you aren’t satisfied with who you are then it isn’t going to make that much of a difference.

Reflecting, feeling fine and a snippet of Beatlemania.

“Baby’s good to me you know she’s happy as can be you know she says so. I’m in love with her and I feel fine”- The Beatles.

This lyric was taken from the tune I feel Fine by the Beatles released in 1965. The Beatles are what I would like to call the epitome of class, personality, uniqueness and just sheer greatness. Some say they’re overrated. Me I’d have to disagree whole heartedly with that.

This weekend has made me truly see that artists can attempt to test their material however when it comes to a genuine classic band the Beatles are up there with the best of them.

Tonight isn’t solely about being all lovey dovey saying that I’m in love. It’s stating a few facts and accepting that although times can be difficult deep down I’m ok.

Like the majority of this week I was given the opportunity to go to a place in the UK that not only makes me feel welcome however made me want to dance all Friday night.

For those who have not seen the photos online will know that I’ve been to Liverpool with my other half. Last time I went there was back in 2002 (I think) and oh how it’s changed. One word to sum up this weekend. Amazing.

Walking up Mathew Street with my husband, entering the Cavern Club and listening to live music in Lennon’s bar made me see that I prefer music from before I was born and could quite happily sit amongst people older than myself, mingle, have the odd beer, dance and have a bloody good time. If someone gave me a time machine then I would have quite happily requested to have been transported back in time to the Beatle days.

The reason why I’ve chosen tonight’s quote is because not only is it associated with my eventful weekend it is a simple yet effective quote that keeps me singing it over and over again.

The song I feel fine is exactly what I am feeling, I’ve felt fine for the past week and have enjoyed the relaxation both with my husband and on my own for the first couple of days. Tomorrow it’s back to normal and back to work.

After writing the previous post and seeing some of the feedback it got me thinking about me as a person and what these recent counselling sessions have done to my life.

After only three short sessions I have drawn the conclusion that I’ve been a person who has always strived for bigger and better. I’m a great lover of wanting more for yourself, for bettering your family and having the luxuries that life can offer however when it comes to me sometimes I want too much too soon and this can have an adverse effect on my health.

With me it’s safe to say that I have suffered mentally and have burdened myself with unnecessary shit and have therefore got myself into a bit of a muddle. Merge this with family health issues along with my own and you have a big barrel of stress.

As a result of talking and reflecting I have noticed that I’m slowly and surely turning into the person I’ve always wanted to be.

I’m starting to not care as much about the little things such as ensuring all my jobs are completed there and then, not worrying about what the day has in store and questioning whether my shakes will come on at the drop of a hat. It’s like a little mini light switch has gone off in my head and altered my personality slightly. This is rather new to me!

Prior to going to Liverpool I sat with my husband mid week in a bar nearby and chatted about my upcoming neurologist appointment and the subtle changes being made to enable us to progress and move forward.

Not only is my better half seeing a change in me for the better however he’s noticing that being sensible is usually the best approach. Acknowledging that counselling could be part of my book for the remainder of my life is something that may happen however ultimately there’s the feeling of where we both stand with my condition and how in five years this has changed drastically.

Back in 2008 my husband and I got together my seizures were all over the place, my shakes had been in my life since 2004 and I couldn’t quite fathom how and why they were here. He saw me have a seizure for the first time. He had never seen anyone have a seizure before and understandably it scared him beyond belief.

Along with health issues 2008 came many large changes in both our lives. My husband and I purchased our first home and got engaged. We were meant to be together and kept our fingers crossed that the plan we’d set out for ourselves wouldn’t deviate off course.

Five years on (married for two) and with long lasting memories, a fair few disagreements and numerous pairs of shoes (for me) and tattoos later (for him) we have managed to acknowledge the problems we have both come across with my shakes and discussed it through like adults. To him I can lay my cards on the table and be honest as he can with me. Not having that happy medium with your partner is not something I enjoy watching. We are just us.

To me my husband is not only my husband he’s my carer to an extent and you know what? For someone who didn’t understand what Epilepsy was from the get go he’s managed superbly and has like me emphasised to others the importance of understanding Epilepsy and acting upon any episodes calmly and responsibly.

He has been the person who has dropped everything to help me in my shaky ways, pulled on my pyjamas after a seizure, sat down with me when my minds all over the place and has made me copious amounts of tea when my headaches have felt like they were never going to subside.

Overall it’s safe to say that having a support network around you is not only beneficial but the knowing that people are there is comforting. I’ve been extremely fortunate that I have a family who has been there when required, has given me the advice I needed and have also thrown a little constructive criticism my way that has too made me see that life is for living and sharing experiences can be crucial to your path to recovery.

I’ve always said facing something alone can be a daunting prospect and never think that you are alone. There are numerous self help and support groups who will answer questions and give you the time you need when you’re worrying and feeling self conscious. This is the whole purpose of spreading the word and letting people know that Epilepsy awareness is something that should be spread to today’s society, across the world.

As for today well I’m officially onto level 3 of Debbie Siebers Slim in 6 programme and I tell you something ow that bloody hurt! For just over an hour I jumped about like a loppy dog, squatted for England and raised my legs so many times that the cat ran out the door thinking I may slip out the odd fart and spoil his dinner.

In rush hour the food shopping was done and dusted and I remained within budget.

Eating wise I did well till I had a small bowl of rice pudding this evening after my Sunday roast. Needless to say I HAVEN’T had any chocolate over the past 24 hours so that’s an accomplishment in itself right? My food is prepared for tomorrow so onwards and upwards I say. Here’s to healthy eating.

As for the remainder of my evening I think this can be summed up into two words. Downton Abbey.

The new series starts this evening on ITV and I cannot wait. I think this calls for a quick bath, a nourishing face mask and a milky cup of Tetley tea.

Question for any of you Downton fans where is tonight’s episode going to take us? What’ll happen to Lady Mary? Will Carson still be as whingey as ever and will Lady Edith ever find true love?

To conclude today’s post. Realise that you are fine. You are bound to get your days where you’re feeling rather blue, the seizures may have kicked in and you’re feeling under the weather however remember this.

You have bounced back before and you can do it again. You have the strength to succeed and the drive to continue. You may feel like there’s no hope however I can assure you that there is. Everyone has problems whether they be medically driven or not. You owe it to yourself to be happy therefore let’s smile and rise above. I know you can do it.

Friendships & Epilepsy.

“Sometimes people thousands of miles away from you can make you feel better than the people right beside you”- Anon

Tonight’s a quick post folks, a one that is more of a reminiscing session than an in depth evaluation.

Today has just been a normal Saz day off work however this one has been a one that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed.

After a lovely catch-up with my best friend over tea and a toblerone brownie I went out with my husband around town before entering my counselling session. A rather delicious roast dinner was devoured before then trying my utmost to get my mother back into the noughties with a mobile phone upgrade. It’s been a rather productive day.

This evening’s quote is one that makes me see that we all stand united for an unbelievable cause.

I interpret the quote above and think to myself that you have your true friends the ones that will never judge you, will give you and honest opinion and always have your best interests at heart. You get the ones that are there for a reason and then you get the ones who stand tall with you and offer words of support even if you haven’t met them. That in itself is comforting and a pleasure to read.

I have many people on here who make me laugh with hysterics (like sending scary images of clowns and women coming out of TV sets), you have people who drop the odd joke, the odd song but better still words of encouragement from all. Those words is what makes you see that we are all the same with the condition we have yet so different when it comes to our personalities. When we stand alone we may feel vulnerable however when we stand together we can be unbreakable.

Epilepsy is something that in the world effects millions of men, women and children and can at any stage enter your life when it wants. Some grow out of this condition and the remainder unfortunately have to persevere with and try to live life to it’s full potential the best way they can.

Whilst being on twitter it’s safe to say that I’ve made new friends people who I can talk to about my condition, the side effects my anti epileptic drugs have and the worries entering my end on those down days.

In conjunction to that I’ve met some remarkable people who have taught me how to be a better person, how to eat correctly, have been inspirational within their own achievements but better still have kept me smiling throughout.

Overall you have all made a massive mark on my life and have given me the opportunity to not only speak with a great set of people however have spurred me on to continue raising my own personal awareness through Sazzle’s blog so thank you all for that.

For those that have read this blog from the beginning will be well aware that I was reluctant to publish Sazzle’s blog online incase I would have been ridiculed or shot down in flames for writing a load of old waffly bollocks (my saying for rubbish).

I think because I was changing from being a paranoid person into the person I am now there was this worry that my point wouldn’t get across the way I intended it to.

My intention since writing this blog was to help others the way I have been helped by all of you.

I never thought in a million years that I would have been perceived as an advocate, to me I was a young woman with a past, a story that had gaps that needed filling. A story that needed to be told in order for me to accept myself and by extension see if my advice could enable others to release that worry from their minds and live life to the full the way I’m trying to now.

The laughs, the concerns and the knowing that we are all roughly in the same boat makes me see that we can all help one another in some way and that the world isn’t all about what you see in the media. We all have a voice.

As mentioned earlier counselling was on today’s agenda to which I sat there thinking to myself that therapy may be essential for the remainder of my life in order to function and to refresh any new techniques that may prevent me from getting agitated.

Whilst sitting in my usual spot with a glass of water blowing my nose at every available opportunity I sat there realising that the only person who has prevented herself from living the life I wanted was me.

To an extent my condition may have dominated my thought pattern and restricted my ability in times of weakness however when it comes to me I’m not going to lie I take too much on when it comes to my immediate family.

I try to assist and know deep down that irrespective of my trying that they will make whatever decisions are right for them at the time whether I like this or not.

People may look upon this as interference and question why I can’t let go. This is possibly down to the fact that when you’ve had the same mind-set for 24 years it’s pretty hard to just stop.

Talking to my counsellor today has made me see that I’ve hesitated and not let go of the past because I’m allowing the same old problems to resurface in times when I am down and that unless I put my foot down and alter this pattern then unfortunately these feelings won’t change and the pressure will build.

I know in myself that I can’t alter my shakes however I can alter who I want to be for the better. Maybe if I do so then this will enable me to cope with the necessary stresses life brings such as trying for a family. You owe it to yourself to be who you want to be and not what you think others want from you.

To conclude today’s post. There is a saying out there that really made me open my eyes and that was:

“Never get so busy with life that you forget to take the time to live”

Draw what you will from it but I think that quote pretty much says it all don’t you?

Maybe it is my turn..

“My turn shall also come; I sense the spreading of a wing”- Osip Mandelstam

Here I am on a rather windy Monday morning writing my blog thinking to myself that we all get our turn.

We should all be given the right to say what we want and do what we feel to help ourselves and the people around us. As long as we aren’t causing extreme offence then surely we are entitled to voice our opinion.

Growing up with Epilepsy was something none of us wanted nor asked for however it showed itself whether we liked it or not. Since starting counselling again this appears to be the first thing that enters my mind when I feel a headache starting or when an episode hits me unawares.

Unless you can make your life that little easier by looking after yourself, eliminating the worry and disregarding the people who aren’t prepared to support you then the rest is out of your control.

On Thursday I returned home from work feeling rather worse for wear.

My head was sore, body was weak and my chest had decided to play it’s own game. After attempting to force my body to do a little yoga I realised that resting was the best policy therefore pottered around lazing on the sofa, ordering my food shopping with repeats of Downton Abbey in the background. I felt bloody awful and was wishing this cold would just disappear and leave me alone.

Whilst dosed up to the nines on paracetemols and my good old honey and lemon syrup the postman arrived delivering a letter for me which upon arrival I immediately identified to be a hospital letter. I knew it was coming and knew that neurology would be in touch to discuss my shakes and the possibility of having a family.

Typical Saz style I didn’t open the letter correctly ripping open the corners that weren’t meant to be torn and hoping that there may be light at the end of the tunnel.

Low and behold the letter was exactly what I’d anticipated. A letter from neurology asking me to pop down for a visit. Initially I’d expected an even longer wait than planned predicting that I may see my specialist after Christmas however it appears that they wish to see me sooner. Next month to be precise.

I didn’t know whether to smile or cry. As silly as it may sound seeing a neurologist is like standing in line waiting to go into a school exam to predict your future. It’s the worry of not being heard, it’s the hoping that they’ll understand where you’re coming from and whether they will make the necessary changes to benefit you not just rushing you out of their surgery because they have other patients to see.

After staring at the letter for 20 minutes I made my rounds called my husband before calling my parents.

Whilst speaking to them it started to sink in that times were changing.

I wasn’t a teenager anymore looking at how my life would pan out. I wasn’t sitting there wondering whether in ten years time that I’d be able to cope with my condition, whether I’d be capable of working or whether I’d be settled with someone I loved. I have accomplished those things, now it’s about something new, this is on a completely different scale and is the general progression of life on the basis you can and want children.

This time it wasn’t about just me, or my husband or my parents. It was about creating a new life, it was about expanding a family I thought (seizures permitting) that I may not have the opportunity to have however ultimately it’s the decisions my husband and I now have to face before bringing any children into the world.

Now it’s accepting that should my neurologist alter my meds and my seizures return will this have an impact on what we now want? I know it won’t alter the bond I have with my partner however will I view myself as being a disappointment should the worst happen? I’d like to think not because I don’t hold the cards.

I keep reiterating like all aspects of your life there is the control and the lack of it. Among many other conditions out there Epilepsy can call the shots on how your day is going to iron out and how you’re going to feel as the day progresses.

With me the lack of control is something that quite honestly has freaked out particularly when the subject of being pregnant is concerned. It’s the worry of will my seizures/shake effect my baby? Will I be alone when this happens or am I going to be held accountable should something dreadful happens?

After speaking with many people about this issue I’ve drawn the conclusion that worrying isn’t going to achieve anything. I’m in the process of spreading the wings I thought I never had and by extension are feeling stronger for it. As far as being pregnant with Epilepsy yes the risks can be greater, you will be monitored extensively however there are many women out there who HAVE done this therefore why should I just refer to statistics or worst still be a statistic.

Surely after research, discussion and deliberation I should do what I feel and should my neurologist come out with the worse case scenario then let’s just say I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, plod on and enjoy what I currently have.

Whilst writing this I have seen my attitude change quite quickly on how I perceive myself and where I stand when the subject of babies is mentioned. Life is something that tests us on a regular basis. I can appreciate that life isn’t all about moonlight and roses, romance and simplicity.

It’s about knowing what you want, achieving what you can within reason and knowing that your heart and mind are in sync with one another. It’s about knowing that Epilepsy is a condition that effects so many out there . Although Epilepsy is a condition that infuriates me at times it’s something that has kept me on the straight and narrow and has given me the strength to carry on.

As for the rest of my weekend.

Typical Saturday which can only mean one thing. Dad and Saz time, spending money, putting bets on and spending quality time with my husband on a Saturday night with hearty food and a bottle of wine slating the music of today which is quite literally.. shite.

For those of you potentially wondering how I did I can easily say that the football season of 2013 has not gone the way I’d planned. I haven’t had a win yet (it’s only been going about 6 weeks) and I’ve not come into any money yet. I predict this to be a long winter.

Food wise I’ve been doing rather well. Salads aren’t my cup of tea therefore I’ve decided that the only way is to create healthy alternatives like butternut squash soup, my own vegetable soup amongst other delicious substitutes.

Exercise I’m getting there. The cold has wiped me out therefore it’s all about taking my time, persevering and squatting on. Overall I’m getting healthier however need to crack on the best way I can. I have to admit I was rather gutted not being able to exercise. How sad am I?

To conclude today’s post. We all get our turn and we can all spread our wings.

In my eyes it’s about getting rid of the rubbish and seeing the wood from the trees. I sympathise with the difficulties your condition may bring however knowing that you are making the right decisions to benefit you and not everyone else should be your top priority. Those people have their own lives to lead as you have yours.

Ignore me if I’ve said this before however my neurologist told my mam upon diagnosis that “Saz may not grow out of her condition but into her life” and you know what. He was so true.

Changing patterns & a lady with a cold.

Good evening everyone. I think I’ve probably just heard you all gasping saying “Where the bloody hell has she been” however I can officially say I’m back to blogging and have a week off work now so I can concentrate on you lovely lot.

Tonight’s quote has to be:

“When patterns are broken new worlds emerge”- Tuli Kupferberg

And rightly so.

Patterns aren’t in my eyes just pretty drawings for the world to see, to people like myself it can go far deeper than that.

From a person who has in the past been extremely analytical I have been afraid of breaking my pattern. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing nicer than having a routine knowing that you’re in control from the minute you wake up till before you go to sleep however I’m thinking that if life was so easy then no one would suffer from problems and the world would become a boring place.

Since being offline I’ve noticed a lot of things change in Sazzle’s world.

Firstly I’m accepting that counselling was the right decision to make. The people around me have been concerned for my welfare and considering the stresses of the past eight months they were right to think that way. The shakes have been more frequent lately and I’ve come to realise that stress appears to have played a significant role in my episodes.

Without sounding down and full of despair I’m now understanding that counselling may not be for everyone however it is for me. Having a good chat with someone who isn’t prepared to judge you and who is paid to provide you with an effective service works for me and if it does for you never worry, just take that first step and draw your own conclusion. Who knows it may allow you to look at life from a different perspective.

Talking about counselling. I met up with mine earlier this week and had a good old chinwag. No tears were shed and I felt rather elated following our session. Without going to the far ends of a fart I was asked to say the first word that entered my head about the way I was feeling right there and then.

The only word to come to me was resentment.

My therapist could see that I wasn’t dissatisfied with my job, my family life or the house my husband and I made a home but the fact that the dissatisfaction was with myself.

It came down to the condition I had resented for so long, the worries I bestowed on myself because of the lack of control in my life when my condition was concerned and the constant comparison I would have when looking at other people’s lives and how they lived them. It was as if I couldn’t let myself go entirely. As silly as this may sound it all boiled down to freedom.

To me others (when I say others I meant everyone excluding myself) had freedom because they could do what they wanted, they didn’t have to take medication, they didn’t have the anxieties when they forgot to take their meds or the worry that they would be unwell in a public place.

For the first time in a long time here I was thinking to myself what’s the worst that could happen? Don’t you realise how far YOU have come?

I’ve identified very quickly the patterns that emerge amongst people. You’ve got the people that couldn’t give a shit about what happens to them, you’ve got the person who panics at the drop of a hat and then you’ve got the person in between. I think whatever personality you have is your personality. If you want to change it then change it that’s your choice and nobody else’s.

With me if you want respect then that respect has to be earned. If you treat me with a half arsed approach then I don’t want to know.

Like I’ve said in previous posts. Where does worry get you exactly? I’ll tell you exactly where it gets you. Nowhere.

What’s the point in wasting an entire day worrying when you only a couple of days to yourself over a weekend or a couple of hours free time on an evening? Surely this time can be spent with family and friends not cooped up on your own in a worried state. Decipher what’s making you miserable and talk about it if it doesn’t make you feel too uncomfortable.

On a lighter note..

The cold is back and it’s well and truly pissing me off.

Unfortunately getting back to the old Asthmatic rant nothing works. You get turned away from a chemist when you purchase any drug that “may” start your chest off therefore I resorted to the good old honey and lemon syrup.

As I point blank refuse to give these chemists anymore of my hard earned cash on cold remedies I have decided that if patience permits I (dare I say this) will make my own honey and lemon drink. Whether I stick to my guns and make it is a different matter however the thought was there.

All I’ve done is cough, splutter, blow my nose (that has now turned a gorgeous pink colour and matches my OPI nail varnish) and have decided that drinking tea is the only policy to make me feel better, that and walking round in my onesie to sweat this cold out!

Food wise I’m not going to lie it’s been rather poor. I’ve had the odd good days however all I’m craving is bread at the moment along with my chocolate and have been eating sarnies. Tomorrow I’m off out on my usual jaunt with dad therefore I’m thinking hot broth is a must. No bread, no chocolate. I intend to stick to this. I’ve got my healthy eating magazines out so I’m preparing myself.

My healthy eating calendar is up and I’m raring to go snot n all. As for the exercise well I was doing that pre cold however now it’s all about doing a little yoga when I’m feeling up to it.

Before I conclude this post I must tell you this. It may make you laugh, it may make you become all defensive (apologies gents) or if you’re a woman you’ll put your head down in despair feeling sorry for the lad. I have to say it but my husband is without doubt has a blonder personality than me.. he’s dark haired blue eyes may I add.

Whilst preparing this evening’s meal I decided that I would eat a little healthier and have my usual homemade beef noodles and spring onions. My husband on the other hand would have a chicken curry.

After salsagate (remember when the salsa exploded up the walls, tune in for my earlier posts for more) my husband thought he would show his culinary skills and show me how he makes a chicken curry. The chicken was first.

Whilst cutting the following words came out of his mouth:

“WTF why won’t the knife cut this chicken” the penny finally dropped. He finally cottoned on when I said:

“Eeeee You’re using the knife the wrong way man, no wonder the chicken isn’t cutting properly”

Now I have to admit that’s something I would do however this time my husband fell into the trap of being a goon in the kitchen. One to me! I’ll never live that one down. I was in hysterics. It’s safe to say there’s never a dull moment in our household!

To conclude today’s post. Patterns will emerge in everyone’s personality and altering them can be extremely difficult however knowing who you are and what you want from life is the best quality you can have. I have drawn the conclusion that I can either sit here and mope or I can get up and enjoy myself.

As Andy Warhol famously said “They always say time changes things but you have to actually change them yourself” This is from a man who created works of art and beautiful patterns. New worlds emerged to him through his artwork therefore why can’t they through ours?

Sometimes dancing is the answer.

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance”-Anonymous.

And dancing I shall. Chocolate, shopping and spending time with family/friends is one thing however me dancing is a completely different story altogether. I love nothing more than having a bit boogie with anyone who can pluck up the courage to be around me dancing.

For all those who reside in the UK who know Ant & Dec (or should I say PJ & Duncan) will know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t then please YouTube it.

I know the entire dance routine of “Let’s get ready to rumble” like the back of my hand. If I get a little tipsy it usually makes an appearance somewhere during the course of the night. I know it did on the evening reception at my wedding with my cousin.. I did this sober by the way!

On a more serious note I’ve interpreted today’s quote as this.

Unfortunately you foresee you life to be one thing and live another particularly when Epilepsy is involved. You’re on alert from the moment you wake up and sometimes are reluctant to allow any spontaneity into your life incase an episode should occur.

Your reactions differ and can be extreme from time to time. One moment you’re feeling chipper without a care in the world, the next minute you’re feeling down, anxious and wanting to be left alone. I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been there myself on many occasion and are like many of you out there trying my utmost to be more spontaneous and to not allow the anxiety of trying something new overwhelm me.

Question for you all? Do any of you feel the same as I have? Do you worry about your condition or has it just become a part of everyday life?

Since going into counselling last Wednesday I’ve been doing some thinking and whilst taking today’s quote into consideration are realising that life is about being the best you can be with the tools you have.

You can sit there all day analysing why things don’t go your way and why life may be out to get you however this doesn’t actually amount to anything.

All it amounts to is a rather large pile of mess with you sitting directly in the centre of it. Half an hour later you’re still sitting there in the same position only this time the question of how you got there in the first place starts entering your mind.

When I started having grand mal seizures aged 8 my body went into overdrive. All I could associate grand mal seizures with were Jammie Dodger biscuits (white biscuits with jam filled hearts in the centre, for all of those that haven’t read how my seizures began please start from the beginning and work up) and I was afraid to go anywhere near one again.

Many may question how a biscuit can have the power to start an epileptic episode however at 8 years old I begged to differ and I didn’t know how to react.

After having a half a dozen seizures one after another I had partial paralysis down my left hand side for a couple of days and apart from being fussed over by the family couldn’t recall what had just happened. It was like someone had got a very large pencil, had drawn a line from the top of my skull to the tips of my toes and told my parents that I could move half of my body and the rest would remain lifeless until I regained consciousness.

Looking at the way I handled my condition then to the way I do now has changed drastically. Until I went to therapy the first time round I was a scared individual who would worry constantly as to when a seizure would arise. I wouldn’t show this however deep down I knew I wasn’t like the other kids.

Now it’s more about the emotional side Epilepsy has to offer and the accepting that unfortunately I have no control of the complexities of my brain pattern and that if an episode arises then I have to take time out and carry on when I’m well enough. Like worry pushing past that boundary particularly when you’re unwell won’t result in you being victorious it’ll just wipe you out even more.

What I’ve always wondered is why do we try to push ourselves when we’re feeling down? Why do we after we’ve had a seizure try to get back up quicker than we should and get on with life like nothing has happened? Is it because we are afraid of our condition or is to show our condition that we won’t be defeated?

I’ve asked myself this question for years and can draw only one conclusion. I think having repeated seizures/shaking episodes can only result in one thing.

Weakness is the first word that comes to mind. The amount of people I’ve spoken to in the past about their condition have explained that having a seizure frustrates them thus making them think that they’re weak individuals. I used to think the same however after speaking to Epilepsy advocates and support groups over the years can now say that you should (if you can) try to erase that mind-set and this is why.

You are a strong person by continuing with the life you have. You are a inspirational person for knowing that your Epilepsy won’t define you as a person but ultimately you are a survivor, a fighter and a person who knows that the condition you have is something that is making you appreciate life that little bit more. Never look down at the person you are because you’re getting there. You are fighting the fight and are still standing.

As for the rest of Sazzle’s day..

Firstly I woke up early this morning only to open a rather scary yet alarming picture of a female clown with a knife in her hand. Thank god I wasn’t alone in the house.

Lately my twitter pals and I have been discussing scary movies and yet again my pal Michelle was responsible for me nearly shitting myself whilst dropping my cereal on my carpet! I bloody hate clowns. They scare me senseless. I’ll get you next time mate, I may send a photo of myself that’ll scare you!!

As for the rest of the morning my mam, cousin and I have been shopping… as you do.

A black blazer (that I blatantly couldn’t afford however bought it anyway) was purchased from Zara. My excuse is that I’d completed overtime and deserved a new jacket. Another excuse is that not only is it a magnificent cut but it is a timeless piece, a piece that will show it’s fabulous self between September & Feb of next year with a pair of jeans, a large quilted bag and my riding boots.

Exercise wise that is going great. The legs are pulsating and the tummy sore however the changes are more prominent so that can only be a good thing. Bring on the Sunday dinner because I’m starving!!!

To conclude today’s post. Dance like it’s nobody’s business. You can’t prevent what life has to offer however you can focus on what you love and accept what you don’t.

As hard as it may seem however there’s people out there in today’s society who would love the life you have.

My parents repeatedly say that although my Epilepsy is something that restricts me however still enables me to have some form of life. Unfortunately there are people out there that don’t get that chance, there’s always someone worse off than you. You only get one life therefore make that change and be who you want to be.

Epilepsy, change and reminising.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”- Dr Wayne Dyer

Change. People’s reaction to it is like marmite you either love it or you hate it.

Me I’m not a big lover of marmite the smell of it makes me want to reach and the idea of having to have it on any savoury snacks is a waste of time. On the flip side change too was something that has taken me over twenty years to try and marvel even though I tend to hit a brick wall at times.

Ask yourself this before reading on. Can you embrace change at the drop of a hat or are you one of those people that tend to run in the opposite direction when the word change is mentioned?

To me change is like an obstacle course. At first hand you look at the course and think “Bloody hell how on earth am I going to get to the finish line” however deep down you know you’ll eventually get there, it’s just a matter of whether you’ve done it in the timescale you’ve set for yourself.

With regards to the outsiders looking in at the same course (i.e. friends, family, colleagues) they are there to support you. They just want you to help yourself and get to the finish line. The time it takes to get there is irrelevant, it’s the finishing that’s the most important.

I was never a person who embraced change.

To this day there are occasions where I get anxious however don’t panic like I once did. I think this is partly down to age, experience and knowing that when all’s said and done that I’ve given it a good go. As my blog says it’s about overcoming worry and learning to cope with anxiety.

When I was younger I looked at my condition as a burden. It was like carrying a very large weight on my shoulders 24/7. The constant strain that I would put on myself to overcome this condition on occasion would engulf my life and take over. I should have been focused on the simpler things such as being a child. This should have been my number one priority.

To not be in control was something I didn’t react well to.

If anything I don’t blame my condition like I once did. I thank Epilepsy for portraying to me that life isn’t all about having control. It’s about being in control of scenarios that you can be and accepting the ones you aren’t.

By accepting the lack of control you can have can prepare you for those situations.

When it came to discussing seizures it would be something that made me feel on edge particularly when the odd seizure would result in me wetting myself.

Apart from the day I was diagnosed when I got my mountain bike, roller blades etc there have been moments where I would put my head down in shame because I didn’t feel like I was living the life I wanted to live because of my condition. Looking back that way of thinking was ludicrous however couldn’t be helped at the time.

Epilepsy is something that can happen to anyone at any time however to me Epilepsy is all I’ve ever known.

What I’m trying to explain here is that life is too short to sit there and wonder. Life is to be lived.

What I’ve noticed over the years is that unfortunately we tend to focus on the lack of our ability instead of the positive elements we can bring to the table.

Instead of looking at the positive aspects of our life such as the hobbies we excel in, the music we love, the family we adore and the partners we have we look at the seizures, the episodes, the shakes and draw a conclusion based on those and not who we are.

This way of thinking is something we should take a step back from and draw a conclusion based on what we have to offer not what our condition has to offer.

What I would recommend is this.

Look at each day as a new day. Have a plan and base each hour of the day as being a goal accomplished whether this be making a cup of tea, eating healthier, thinking healthier, exercising for an extra five minutes or just learning a new craft.

Every hour can be your hour in which you can train your mind to embrace change and to see that life isn’t all about seizures, insecurities and medication constraints. It’s about you enjoying the people around you but most importantly enjoying your own company because I bet you you ain’t that bad!

As for the remainder of my day.

If I had a pair of bollocks slim in 6 would have officially bust them after today. That DVD is deceiving. It looks easy but it bloody well isn’t.

As for the food well.. My main meals are healthy however I had access to chocolate hob nobs in my meeting today therefore had to have a couple to quench my chocolate needs. On a plus note I have cut my coffee intake down resulting in a little bit more energy! Wooooooo!!

Overall in myself I’m starting to get back on track. I would like to thank you all personally for your love and support through these past weeks. As advocates and as people who I’d like to call friends you really have made me see that we can all help one another and that there are decent people in the world.

To conclude today’s post. I know times are tough however do things in your own time at your own speed. As someone I read once wrote You have to be before you can do ad do before you can have. The choice is yours.

Be successful.. just be you.

“Success is not something you pursue. Success is something you attract by the person you become”- Jim Rohn.

Tonight is relatively short post but a one I feel may be beneficial to you all. Writing this following yesterday’s events is something that is making me feel that taking the therapy route is definitely a step in the right direction.

This evening’s quote has been interpreted as the following. There are a significant amount of people out there that believe success is on the back of wealth, power and having people surrounding them telling them how marvellous they are. To me this isn’t success. It’s power. It’s the constant thriving to be someone who you may be however at what cost?

Having the luxuries, the cash, the house, the perfect life is something people dream of. If we didn’t then we wouldn’t put the lottery on!

Compared to when I was younger to me I define success by being seizure free, by having the ones I love showing the same level of support and knowing that deep down amongst the occasional mental stress that I’m actually a good person who is rather sensible (minus my shopping intake and my obsession for chocolate)

Yesterday was like stepping back in time only this time it was a different place, a different time. I was a few years older and would like to think a little wiser. The Saz that entered therapy three years ago had changed, she was someone who although had come a long way was still backing herself into a corner not taking her own advice in times when I was vulnerable (i.e shaky times, time out etc).

Prior to the appointment my mam and I popped out for a bite to eat chatting about therapy and wondering what the outcome of these therapy sessions will be. Jumping the gun like we usually do my mam and I knew that therapy wasn’t something to turn your nose at. In fact it was something I should be embracing.

Whilst thinking about the sessions awaiting me my mam told me that she was proud because twenty years ago she didn’t know what outcome would await us both.

I think between my mam and I this discussion stemmed from an old insecurity we carried through my Epilepsy journey. As a parent she wondered how I would react to my condition and whether it would have a negative impact on my life. I on the other hand wanted so desperately for both her and my dad to see that although it upset me occasionally that I wouldn’t be defeated and that these therapy sessions would be more of a refresher than a hard slog.

Whilst travelling in the car to my destination point I sat there thinking about the people I want to assist and it got me thinking. Epilepsy and anxiety awareness is not raised enough and should be. Although I had my parents backing and the occasional bout of therapy/ self help groups/websites Epilepsy was something that wasn’t hitting home properly. It was like “They’ve got Epilepsy” and that was it.

I would like to think that I along with my fellow followers also raising awareness that we as a unit can provide that assistance that we all longed for during this process by blogging, offering advice and chatting to others in need.

Upon entering I came face to face with my therapist a marvellous young woman who I shall refer to as Jane in my blog (for obvious reasons, confidentiality being one of them).

Jane greeted me in such a pleasant manner. Softly spoken she gave the impression that she wanted to help me. To the right of me were the usual tissues to which I hoped I wouldn’t start blubbering like a baby breaking down at the drop of a hat and a jug of water for any dry mouthed moments.

Within minutes of being there I felt at ease. Jane asked that I talk and in true Saz style I talked and talked and talked some more raising up issues such as my condition, past worries and wanting to be that person who at the end of it all could walk away coping with stress that little bit better than I did a few weeks ago. I wanted to be caring about the ones I love and be carefree about everything else.

I wanted to be like that 24/7 not just half of that time.

Acknowledging my blog to my therapist brought a glimmer of hope when her reaction was positive. Hearing the “I get the impression you want to make a difference” response made me glow inside.

Jane asked why I couldn’t take the advice I was posting regular on Sazzle’s blog to which I responded saying

“I really don’t know”.

Other words that come into our discussion were ..

“We can offer advice however cannot actually take our own advice” would jump into the conversation. Whilst uttering those words there was a part of me thinking “Just let this go, sometimes we need to relax and step back for a change”

After my hour session and getting the ball rolling I walked out with a mixed bag of emotions. I think what I identified yesterday is that for years I’ve entered therapy with this apprehension. I can only resemble this with going to school on your first day or meeting your partner’s parents for the first time.

Like my seizures there was this expectancy of what my therapist would say and how I would react. Now at 28 I’ve been there and you know what it ain’t that bad after all. Referring not to farting this time but emotional baggage far be it out than in.

For the next five weeks I have to undergo the same treatment and I’m hoping that the Saz I know I can be can make more of an appearance than the one who was a nervous wreck a couple of weeks ago.

Before I go I would like to advise you of this. Therapy is something that you may find you need to refer to for the rest of your life. Some relish in it, some are afraid of it, some disregard it and some like me use it as a refresher every now and again to see my life from another person’s perspective. When you have any troubles in life talking is probably one of the most effective tools and you know what?? It doesn’t cost a penny (unless you pay privately of course)

You should never and I repeat never go through any of this alone. You are worth more than that. Independent as people are nowadays everyone will hit a stumbling block at some time in their life. You aren’t the only one.

Oozing confidence is usually the epitome of success. To a degree this is true however you attract more people by the personality you have, the support you offer and the love you bring.

Asking asking for help in my eyes takes more balls than sitting there twiddling your thumbs hoping that everything’s gonna slot back into place.

To conclude today’s post. You define success and question what you interpret success to be.

Whoever you are or whatever health issues you may have knowing who you are and what you represent is extremely important, being comfortable in your own skin also takes time however I’d like to think can eventually be done. You have so much to offer therefore offer it and if you are uncertain then seek additional advice and take it from there. Do what’s right for you.

Putting you first.

Before I start today’s post I’d like to say hope all of my American followers are having a rather enjoyable Labour weekend. Shame you couldn’t send some delicious food my way!!

Right to kick off today’s post with a quote:

“Caring about other people is a strength, caring about what other people think is a liability”- Anon.

And it is mind. My saying is be caring about the ones you love and carefree about the ones who don’t. Some may take offence at that however that is my opinion. It’s not being bitter it’s about stating the obvious.

I appreciate that your condition can be tedious at times and can cause more problems than what it’s worth however within you you’re a fighter not someone who should take anything lying down.

The purpose behind today’s quote is to make you see that putting yourself first isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

This morning whilst reading my kindle I stumbled across the quote above and it got me thinking. People fall into this trap so many times questioning their own ability because they are focusing on what someone else thinks. I have to admit I was one of these people until a couple of years ago.

What is it with this particular trait? We sit there getting all flustered about people potentially gossiping behind our back that we lose all train of thought and panic beyond belief. Sometimes the thinking about what others think can potentially cause greater problems within friendships, relationships, business partnerships but most importantly your mental frame of mind.

Ask yourself why do we do it? Why do we care about what people think? Do we do it because we believe people care or does it stem down to something a lot deeper than that?

Lately my health hasn’t been testing my patience thus making me question me now compared to Saz three years ago.

The answer to that is this time three years ago I was preparing myself for the happiest day of my life and questioning how I had spent so much money on this grand old affair. I was also questioning where my condition would stand in the grand scheme of things and whether a seizure would make an appearance on my wedding day.

Looking back I was a person who was extremely vulnerable putting on some sort of façade to block out the shakes and the constant worry entering my mind about others. I would be sitting waiting for the next time the shit would hit the fan and to be honest it wasn’t healthy for all concerned.

I had a relatively good support network around me however there were occasions where I was tested with friendships and additional worry. The more I read what I’m writing the more I think to myself that this could have been prevented and if I’d only known then what I know now then I would have eliminated this doubt far sooner than what I did.

Life throws curveballs and unfortunately people can be rather malicious and childish. I’m an adult not a child.
My life doesn’t revolve around social networking and causing mayhem my life consists of surrounding myself with the people who love me and have a genuine interest in my welfare as I have theirs.

As far as I’m concerned negativity can be left at the back door because I’ve got bigger fish to fry. To be honest people like that bore me senseless. Focus on your own life instead of boring mine.

The people that know me are well aware that I couldn’t really harm anybody if I tried and that if I get myself annoyed it’s because someone has made a direct attack at either myself or the people I love. Nowadays I’m all about cutting to the chase and having a laugh. I would like to leave the strength I have for those happier days or the days where I’m feeling a little weaker than normal to pick myself up.

What I’ve deciphered over the years is that unfortunately condition or not you cannot please everybody all of the time. You can try your utmost to be someone you’re not however it only comes and bites you on the arse later on in life. Sometimes you have to use the strength you do have to put your foot down to others who cause this un-necessary aggravation so this can enable your free time to ne taken up on what you want from life.

Looking back it was all about eliminating my condition the only way I knew how and that was to do literally anything I could to block it out. Unfortunately this wasn’t the right decision to make as these worries would only resurface later on in life that would be far greater to accept. I must stress that doing what’s right for you is required not living your life on other people’s say so.

As for the remainder of the day.

Slim in 6 was completed in my new Primani (Primark for those who haven’t cottoned on) bottoms, family lunch and having one hell of a laugh at my husband who should be a comedian because he does the craziest things.

Like me I don’t think we have a brain cell between us hence the laughing out loud. If I’m not tripping over the cat he’s prancing about dancing stupidly around the living room floor. Between the pair of us we you can’t take us seriously.

I love my husband’s humour. In my opinion although I could throttle him at times he’s the person who is not only my best friend he’s the person who loves me for me and that’s why I think the world of him.

To conclude today’s post. Put your happiness first. If people don’t like the choices you make than that’s their problem not yours. Need I have to say anymore about putting you first? Haven’t I not said enough already? xx