Keep trying.. there’s light at the end of that tunnel.

“I can accept failure everyone fails at something, but I can’t accept the not trying”- Michael Jordan.

Tonight’s quote is something that strikes me as normal but can baffle others as soon as the word failure is mentioned. Under no circumstance this evening am I saying that you’re a failure however I know in myself that people at some stage will feel like a complete and utter failure.

The word failure in itself is quite a strong word and can be overrated however when it comes to me the NOT TRYING tends to strike a cord with me because for twenty years all I’ve ever had to do is try when my condition is involved. Throwing in the towel could have been a quick solution but for who exactly? It was never an issue.

It’s the not trying tends to make you feel like you should be automatically placed into the failure box. Before you know it you’re thoughts are running riot and you feel like you’re up shit creek without a paddle.

This week has been a busy one for me. Not only have I been to work family time has been planned and decisions have had to be made about my health. Fortunately my blood tests were all clear and the family were pleased. At times like these I should be breathing a sigh of relief at the fact I don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome and other well known conditions such as diabetes however there was a part of me analysing why the bloody hell I’m so tired all the time.

I don’t know about you all (everyone can join in here) however I’m sick of having to say “Well it’s my meds that’s probably causing the problem”. Deep down I know it’s highly likely that I’m having side effects from my anti epileptic drugs however sometimes you just want to say it’s something else. I know in myself and from speaking to others every single medication results in tiredness. It’s like a double ended sword isn’t it? Come off the meds and feel chipper however have the seizures or take it and feel groggy the majority of the time. Bugger.

I’ll give you a couple of examples of this.

If I’ve had four hours sleep I’d be tired the following day because.. I’ve had insufficient sleep.

Why do I feel bloated? It’s because I’ve eaten like a horse all weekend you get where I’m coming from?

With me I’ve noticed lately that it doesn’t make a difference whether I’ve had four hours sleep or ten hours sleep I’m still shattered however I’m coming to terms with the fact that that’s the luck of the draw and are trying to incorporate other changes in my life to prevent the tiredness such as drinking the dreaded green tea and walking more. I’m noticing very subtle changes however this is giving me the uplift to persevere and see how the upcoming weeks go.

Thankfully this week I’ve noticed a little bit more of a spring in my step compared to the previous weeks worries and this is what I thought I would highlight on this evening. The word of the day has to be trying, not only is it because it’s been used in this evening’s quote however trying is something we all would like to think we’re doing in our daily tasks in order to achieve those mini victories that can sustain our positivity.

This week I was contacted by a private therapist from a company I was fortunate to use previously. Unfortunately I was unable to receive a visit from Bob who I know fine well would bring his words of wisdom back into my life however had the benefit of speaking to a female instead who like me was eager to get the ball rolling. By this time next week I will have had my first session and hopefully will be able to write and possibly reiterate some of her techniques to help you.

Upon making contact with my new therapist there was this slight sense of dread. Although I was appreciative for her taking the time out to arrange a meeting there was this very slight worry that yet again I would be thrown into the deep end spilling my worries out to a complete stranger.

Within seconds of talking to her I felt at ease like I did with Bob. This time the therapy wasn’t going to be a massive hurdle I’d have to overcome because I’m in the process of accepting the condition I have this time it’s about coping with stress and realising that throwing in any towel will not accomplish anything. In fact it will only make you worse.

Reflecting on my conversation this week with my therapist, speaking with the people who surround me with their love and honesty and understanding that this treatment needs to be carried out to the end is something that I would once fear.

The goal posts have now shifted and this time it’s about managing the anxieties of the past few months and appreciating that at times life isn’t always going to go as swimmingly as I’d like. In fact when the shit hits the fan then I have to resolve the issue and move on because that’s what life’s all about.

Whether you have a condition or not or whether it be some underlying worry you’ve always had remember this It’s the trying, it’s the bouncing back and it’s the knowing within yourself that there’s never a problem that cannot be solved.

As for the remainder of the week… The food has been ok, the portion size has been reduced however the sweet treats are still making an appearance. I’m working on it excluding today when I had two bags of crisps.. oops.

I’ve kept my promise to do my slim in 6 DVD’s apart from yesterday evening when I saw the gran.

From those who’ve read my blog from the beginning will know perfectly well where I’m coming from. My gran is a force to be reckoned with and it’s safe to say that she’s seen it, done it, and worn every T-shirt in the shop.

It’s safe to say that if the Prime Minister was recruiting for an elderly lady with a delightful shampoo and set along with a world full of knowledge then my grandmother would be up there with the best of them. She may even be inclined to teach the prime minister a trick or two. If all else fails he may have to come to her house to have a good old chinwag over a cuppa out of her china tea pot she bought last year to celebrate the queen’s diamond jubilee.

Everytime I go round to my grandmothers there she sits banging the world to rights. She makes me an evening meal (she’s 82) doesn’t allow me to “meddle” in her kitchen and has a galaxy chocolate bar propped up on my tray to have as a sweet snack after my tea before my dad comes to pick me up. This routine has been in place for as long as I can remember.

It’s a routine I wouldn’t change for the world and to be honest if you were to ask her neither would she. I adore her, love the time I spend with her and know that spending that valuable time with her mid week is something I could never replace or get back when the time comes for her to leave me.

Apart from that I’ve just been little old Saz trying to get back to normal and have a laugh as I always do!

To conclude today’s post. Trying is better than doing nothing. Saying you’ve tried at something whether you succeed or not should be an incentive to push harder whilst appreciating what you have right in front of you. This time last week I could have given up however I refused to. After deliberating how far I’ve come over how far I’ve come I would urge you all to reflect on your own accomplishments before making any rash decisions.

Recover isn’t something that miraculously happens overnight, twenty years on I’m still learning something new every day. You can’t magically make your feelings disappear however you can roll with them and by repeatedly talking can believe that you can be the best of who you are and if you can do that then you’re halfway there. Keep trying. I know you can.

Every ending has a starting point.

“Every end has a start. Every start has a decision. Every decision has a meaning and every reason has a meaning- Anon.

The quote above is courtesy of twitter site Happiness quotes.

Reading some of the tweets on that particular site has made me start questioning what’s happened over the past week.

I think the one thing that I’ve identified is that we are all entitled to those “off” periods in life where certain aspects of it don’t go according to plan thus making us question why we reacted in a negative manner.

Whilst chilling with my family over the bank holiday weekend I started to think. Why had I hit a stumbling block when I’ve been doing so well? Surely if both myself and others have seen a new side to me then why are my body and mind not in sync with one another?

Whilst sipping my small glass of wine I found myself in a rather relaxed frame of mind chatting with my dad like the past week had never happened not this emotional Saz crying at the drop of a hat.

Mid conversation the worries of the week entered my head on occasion however my dad, husband and I were enjoying each others company and trying to fathom why my mind was thinking the way it had. The odd joke was thrown in about my shakes between the pair and I was in hysterics keeping the mood very breezy.

It’s safe to say this week was like taking a few steps back into the old me however I’m feeling like the current Saz once more.

As much as I don’t want to use the word Stress because it can be grossly overused in sentences I genuinely think I was suffering from a bout of stress. My husband was under the impression on Wednesday morning that I was having some sort of meltdown and come to think of it I would agree with him.

Over the course of the past seven months neither of our parents (my husband’s and I) have been in the greatest of health, my shakes have been making more frequent unexpected appearances, the concept of changing our lives to consider bringing a baby into the world has raised questions and potentially altering rooms in our home within the next few months may be something others can cope with however I think at my most vulnerable my body just started to break down adding up all of these things up.

These dips hadn’t phased me like they have done in the past therefore I found it remotely odd that when the larger shake came my mind was pouring all this emotional baggage that I’ve held onto for too long.

For the first time in a long time I hadn’t grasped what the word acceptance meant.

Like I said in my previous post change has to come therefore I made the first step and decided returning to therapy for a chat would be my initial step so I could say the word acceptance out loud about this particular chapter in my life.

The quote above is correct. Every ending has a start. Every decision has a reasoning.

Sometimes we wonder where our seizures come from because we didn’t ask for them. Other scenarios include when you’ve had a bad day at work you could sit there racking your brains as to why you’ve started off on the wrong footing or in my case why you grabbed the entire bag of digestive biscuits when you’ve tuned your mind to start a fresh week of no chocolate.

The reason behind the work question is because you’ve had a rubbish night’s sleep prior to entering the building hence everything pissing you off and as for the choccie biccies well.. you just fancied some chocolate.

In these cases you feel like things just don’t add up however when you sit back and look at it logically there has to be a reason why what happens.. happens.

Since being diagnosed with Epilepsy I have watched my demeanour change drastically particularly when they returned in my late teens.

I’ve said on numerous occasions there are a vast amount of people out there believe that Epilepsy are just seizures however they aren’t. In fact you couldn’t be any farther from the truth. Without sounding even more serious then perhaps I’m coming across right now Epilepsy effects us all hence the reason why awareness needs to take top priority.

Epilepsy effects the parents, siblings, friends, colleagues or passers by that have to witness the episode. Epilepsy is about remembering to take medication, altering medication, ongoing neurological appointments, stress, medication side effects, anxiety, shaking, the odd bout of paranoia and the endless worrying as to when the next episode will arise.

For those who suffer from the same condition as myself will know we have our good days and bad days. It’s taken me 20 years to come to terms that I’m a person who suffers from Epilepsy. Why not say that statement out loud to yourself right now?

To add why not say..

I’m not an Epileptic, I suffer from a neurological condition that’s out of my control… however I know that I’m a genuine person who want what’s best for the people I love. I have my faults however you show me someone who doesn’t.

A couple of questions for you all.

How do you feel after saying that? How did you react? Does it scare you or do the words empower you because you’ve come so far already? I would say the latter of the two because you along with your family deserve that reassurance for all you’ve achieved. This may be your first step to acceptance as it was for me many moons ago.

Epilepsy is something you have to accept you have and although you may never accept it fully there is light at the end of the tunnel trust me. You may feel like the world’s on top of you, like you will never see the wood from the trees however you will. It takes time but on the basis you want to be helped then you can make it happen.

For the people who don’t give a damn or wish to scrutinise then stay well clear. My words to people like that are “Don’t judge what you cannot understand” let them have their say and send them on their merry way.

As for the rest of the weekend…

The other half and I have been shopping for bits and bobs for the house.

Apart from taking numerous trips to B&Q we have had the odd stop off to the relatives for a cuppa, a couple of glasses of wine, the odd lager and an even nicer burger. The potato salad went down a treat and as for toasting marshmallows that was the highlight of my evening.. Mind you I was the only one burning my fingers on the gooey mallow! Overall a very happy bank holiday.

The salad is prepared for tomorrow’s return to work along with a muller rice and fruit. Boo hiss.

As for my slim in 6 well… I’m overjoyed. I’m absolutely loving it. No resistance bands accidents. For those who doubted me buying that DVD I’ll show you that although I was suckered into this commercial trend I will look hot! 🙂

Talking about the DVD there’s an element of the DVD called slim and limber. It’s like a little mini yoga session where you do additional stretching. It’s calmed me down no end, plus I’m trying to stick to the slim in 6 regime therefore hope to be a little more toned this time in six weeks. If you’ve got it give it a try.

To conclude today’s post. Understand that you aren’t invisible, you’re bound to have your off days and you’re bound to question why they’re happening. Do what you need to do to help yourself. In my case it’s the additional support along with the endless chatting drinking copious amounts of tea with the ones I love.

I’ll end this evening’s post on another saying. Life is about trusting our feelings taking chances by finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past. Make yourself happy because you’ve come so far already.

Shakes, worry and making a difference.

It’s 6.45am here and I cannot sleep. I’ve been up for most of the night tossing and turning because it’s far too warm therefore I’m now sitting with my sex and the city DVD’s playing in the background whilst writing to you all.

Talk about the early bird catching the worm!

Oh what a week it’s been. One word to sum up this week is sick. I was sick of everything. This week had well and truly pissed me off and I was ready to give in. Let me explain why.

As you are probably all aware I haven’t shown my face as much on twitter however had some of my own personal issues to sort nothing to worry about just a variety of things that have made me see that everyone at the best of times needs that additional help. The chatting to others about general day to day duties can help you re-focus and carry on. I would like to thank you all for your kind words and show of support over the past week.

Before I crack on with today’s post and explain further I think a quote is in order:

“Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting”-Haruki Murakami

You may ask what on earth I’ve chosen this quote? Well this quote pretty much sums up this week in a nutshell.

I think what the quote suggests is that you can identify what you would like and what path you choose to walk down however sometimes that path can deviate off course and can result into something you never quite anticipated.

I think challenges are there to test us however this week has been a rocky road for myself and made me see that although I’m currently seizure free that my Epilepsy still plays a prominent role in my life.

Monday morning came and I was preparing myself for work.

Shortly after waking I sat down to breakfast that my husband had kindly made for me. Twenty five minutes passed and I was still trying to eat my first mouthful of cereal. My hands were repeatedly shaking, my body stiff and the loss of sensation was gradually going up the left hand side of my face.

Knowing this was a severe bout of shakes I went into shake mode and went to bed on the hope that in a couple of hours I could resume back to normal and possibly go into work as though nothing had happened.

My husband stayed with me for a short while before I ushered him to work acknowledging that the shake would pass and that I had Benny to keep me company.

Not long after that statement here I am lying in bed feeling as though someone is sitting on my chest forcing my body into the mattress leaving me stranding.

The loss of feeling had now escalated up the left hand side of my arm, my face was numb and now my thigh was in the process of getting the same treatment. My hands clenched together like claws and my eye twitching. I genuinely thought I was having a seizure awake and to be brutally honest I was petrified.

Whilst shaking my mind wasn’t fixated on the shake it was my insecurities and concerns that showed themselves and I couldn’t quite comprehend why now they were entering my mind. Was this my body’s way of saying that I must address these issues now? I didn’t have a clue.

During the course of the day my body shook on and off for the best part of six hours with me trying to sleep in between. Tuesday was no better. After attempting to go into work I was sent home after an hour only to suffer a similar bout that very same morning. Wednesday well. I was like a bag of nerves not knowing whether I was coming or going, shakes waiting to make an appearance and I was crying every hour on the hour.

This wasn’t like me, this wasn’t the bubbly character who tries to crack a not so funny joke every so often. I was a former shadow of myself and knew I needed to take the next step and ask for professional help like I once did. Reading books, articles and even my usual inspirational quotes weren’t sufficient to kick me out of the rut I was in therefore I made the decision to seek that support and have made contact with my previous therapist.

After acknowledging these problems I felt so much better. Initially the odd negative thought entered my head questioning whether I was as strong as I’d originally anticipated.

After careful deliberation I made the ultimate decision that these therapy sessions are not to find myself and question my condition this was now a separate issue. This issue is to have a chat about the situations in front of me and to learn how to cope should another large shake arise.

Therapists are there so you can unleash your concerns and seek advice from someone outside the box who are prepared to give you techniques in order to help yourself. Therapists can’t give you the answer however can assist and offer their opinion as and when required.

I know with me I personally felt that that therapy was extremely beneficial giving me the tools to carry out the job. Bob’s original task in hand was to make me see that having Epilepsy shouldn’t be the be all and end all. It was about learning to understand who Saz was not just the condition. Bob succeeded in his first quest. Seeking advice previously from Bob gave me the tools to believe in myself thus writing Sazzle’s blog.

Originally Epilepsy to me was a chore.

In my eyes Epilepsy prevented me from living my life to the max. Let’s look at this therapy as a refresher.

Everyone needs help. It’s most important to not do this alone, you are never alone.

Making a difference in other people’s lives is extraordinary however making a difference in your own life is something you should be proud of not something that should be shunned. Make that change and do what’s right for you.

As for the rest of the week.

My bloods were taken yesterday by a local nurse who I must say was such a lovely woman who made me feel at ease. I’m not the best at getting my bloods taken. I would like to think of myself as a rather large child.

Although needs must I have had my fair few occasions where I’ve felt rather light headed and needed a good talking to and the odd lollipop. Sometimes I think my body goes into child mode so I can get the lollipop! Ha!

This time I was perfectly fine because I was talking about buying clothes and spending money. Need I say any more.

Hopefully in a few days I’ll see whether I have CFS (Chronic fatigure syndrome), diabetes, thyroid or kidney failure. Here’s hoping that I have none of the above.

As for my social calendar well no real entries actually.

Exercise wise. Three words. Slim in 6. Bloody marvellous. I resumed exercise yesterday and I am loving this DVD. Fortunately my resistance bands didn’t ping back into my face. Surprisingly I’m thoroughly enjoying the DVD and find it as effective as Kill Jill. I’ll keep you posted with my results.

No fast food consumed yesterday and what with a BBQ planned for this weekend I think I’m doing rather well. I have to admit this week hasn’t been the best for food choices however as of yesterday I was on course eating a rather fabulous breakfast at a nearby seaside café before browsing for kitchen doors.

To conclude today’s post. If you need help get it. Usually we have obstacles to face that can force us to question our beliefs. People say stress is overrated however sometimes we need to make it a priority to address our issues and seek that additional support whether it be through family, friends, online buddies or through therapy. Do what’s right for you and never allow others to bring you down. The only way is up.

Make each day count.

“Don’t just count the days, make the days count”- Muhammad Ali

I could sit and watch footage of Muhammad Ali every day and it still wouldn’t bore me. Not only is he the greatest boxer the world has ever known but the dedication in his eyes when he’s up against his opponent is second to none. His cheeky one liners grab your attention and the excellence that is the man himself is unprecedented.

Today’s quote is something whether you have Epilepsy or not that should mean something.

Making each day count is one of the philosophies I’d like to abide by even though some days I feel like jacking it all in and giving up.

I say this because the amount of people who’ve come to me this month saying “How quick has this year gone” is unbelievable. The years literally pass you by.

My interpretation of today’s quote is this.

Making each day count is something that unfortunately some of us fail to do me included. We go through life day in day out sticking to the same routine. Although routine can keep us focused sometimes shaking up the routine a bit can have an impact on your day without you even realising it.

Lately I’ve been extremely tired wanting each day to hurry up so I can go to bed and rest my eyes. The headaches haven’t been as frequent as they were a few weeks ago and fortunately the shakes have subsided for the time being.

Whilst reading what I’m writing I too have fallen to the “wishing your life away” train of thought hoping the weekend will be upon us and not actually enjoying the week I’ve just had.

Compared to others I’ve had the pleasure of speaking to I’ve been extremely fortunate that my seizures haven’t been as frequent however when they have occurred they’ve drained me, they’ve made me feel disappointed in myself and made me feel like I was back to square one.

I don’t know about you all however I’ve got into the habit of keeping a record of my seizures/shakes and monitoring them daily writing the symptoms in a notepad to identify possible trends.

As soon as I’ve got past the week mark without any shakes I feel extremely proud of what I’ve achieved and feel like I need to celebrate with a mini bar of chocolate or in my case at least two. You feel like you’re on a roll like your condition is getting better only to feel disheartened when they return.

I don’t know how many times I’ve fancied like shouting the words “For fucks sake” when they do make an appearance.

I hate the idea of being unwell because I feel like there’s insufficient hours in the day to begin with let alone having to take time out to rest. Although the F bomb has been shouted on numerous occasions I’m learning as I get older to accept that my condition is who I am therefore I have to try and carry on the best I can.

Since writing this blog I’ve noticed a pattern within us all. The disappointment of a fit is something that makes us feel agitated questioning why they’re occurring. I think what we all need to do is show our episodes however small they are a red card.

Unfortunately showing a red card doesn’t necessarily prevent the seizure from taking control however by placing that red card in front of ourselves may make us see that although they’ve arrived we won’t be defeated.

Like in a football match (soccer for my friends overseas) a red card may mean you miss a few games however doesn’t mean you’re out of action for the rest of the season. It just means that you’re telling yourself that you won’t be controlled, that you’ll have your rest time and resume when you’re ready to do so. Like a car you cannot drive without any fuel in the tank, the same applies with your body.

Life isn’t always about testing yourself. It’s about learning to be happy with who you are. It’s about knowing that time is of the essence, it’s times we should be spending time with each other, with loved ones and enjoying our own company.

As for the rest of the day..

My husband and I have been kitchen and bathroom shopping. We are contemplating doing out both rooms in the next few months and are in the process of gathering data, receiving quotes and sitting there wondering where the cats going to sleep- he currently sleeps on every unit in the kitchen. You all know I love our Benny.

The second thing is not the mess but where the hell am I going to wash my hair? I know you’re all probably thinking that should be the last of my worries however come on!

You ladies reading this may be with me on this one however my hair is renowned for sticking up like a hens arse at the best of times let alone cutting off my bathroom supply. Looks like it could be a sink job.. actually come to think of it I may make a detour to my mothers. I may ask her to make my tea while I’m at it and take over a large quantity of ironing! Good thinking!

The healthy eating has been going according to plan. Exercise will take place this evening. After watching an advert (infomercial) I cam across an exercise DVD set called slim in 6. I was sucked in from the get go. Let me explain..

Here I was sitting at 5.45am this morning coffee in hand with my eyes touching the floor sitting gorping at this woman’s figure thinking to myself ” I want to be slim in 6″.

Actually come to think of it I think it was the rather nice low fat chocolate dessert in her meal plan that swayed me not the resistance bands she was using that I know would smack me in the face if I gave them a go! Anyhow I was sold. 3 easy pays of £16!

As for tonight it’s the white queen finale and I literally cannot wait. The husband’s going upstairs to watch his dose of match of the day while I sit there cuppa in hand watching the scandal unfold. I know what’s coming however cannot help myself. Nothing beats a good drama on a Sunday evening before work the following day.

To conclude today’s post. Make each day count.

Don’t look to the past create room for your future but better yet live for the now. Don’t keep looking at your watch just try and embrace what’s right in front of you. Life would be so much simpler if we erased negativity from our minds however even I know you cannot do this 100% of the time. Don’t keep counting the days enjoy your days and have fun!

The fight within you.

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight. It’s the size of the fight in the dog” – Mark Twain.

Before I continue just to clarify I’m not saying that everyone’s as ugly as sin or resemble a mutt of any nature. It’s all in about the fight that’s inside of you. It’s the coping mechanism. It’s that little light switch that can go off at anytime. As soon as you see red you’re on the defensive.

In this world there are people that’ll fight till the bitter end and then there’s others that can’t quite grasp who or what they’re fighting against. I think in some people’s eyes fighting is a sign of struggle, apprehension, tension words of that nature.

Any medical condition is an ongoing battle. In fact it can make you feel that you’re taking one step forward and two steps back.

At eight years old I remember sitting with my parents wondering whether I was normal. I would sit there (as geekish as it sounds) in the living room writing with my new gold pilot pen “I’m different to everyone else”.

The only reason why I thought I was different was because I had something other people didn’t have. I had Epilepsy.

For people reading this the first thing that may come to mind is “awww” however writing this is not about gaining sympathy it’s about explaining the mind of an eight year old with a condition she could barely say let alone comprehend.

For the parents of children reading this I can sympathise fully with your cause and how many people who I’ve had the opportunity to speak to are in the process of eliminating that doubt within their children’s minds and combine their new found knowledge of Epilepsy to assist their children. They do it in a creative way to try to remove that self doubt.

My parents were exactly the same with me as what you are however this was 1993 not 2013.

My parents couldn’t grasp where my condition came from. They racked their brains for years on end to try and determine whether their genetics could have posed this threat on their only child.

After years of soul searching and understanding Epilepsy as a whole my parents and I drew the conclusion that it was no-one’s fault it was hyperactivity within my brain that couldn’t be controlled and as a result we would have all have to step aside and let these episodes do what they must.

Growing up with Epilepsy has been a struggle and as the quotation said at the start I was one of those dogs who was prepared to take it lying down. I was a small dog not one of these people that felt she could cope. I wasn’t big and strong. I was a child that ate like a horse however was very slim. There was more strength in my dad’s finger than there was in me! I couldn’t be arsed with the fight that’s until my condition entered my life.

From that day forward I was thrown whether I liked it or not into a hole that took years to fathom why I was there in the first place. Ultimately no-one else was going to throw me the rope to get out of this worry I had to find that exit myself and in my own time not anyone else’s.

Since writing this blog I’ve documented the anxieties I endured as a result of my uncontrollable condition.

The panic would engulf me and there were instances where one minute I’d be nice as ninepence without a care in the world before turning into an angry frustrated young woman without any reasoning behind my behaviour changing.

To this day I could sit here trying my very best to give you answers as to why my mood changed so drastically however they wouldn’t be true answers because deep down I never knew why my mood changed.

Maybe it was medication, maybe it was the mundaneness of it all where day in day out I would allow myself to be dominated by my condition to the point where as my therapist said ever so clearly “You’ve lost your own identity to your condition, you don’t even know who Saz is anymore”.

Think back to a time where you were feeling low.

What entered your head at the time? Was it that you didn’t feel that you were good enough? Was it that you felt so upset that you thought the worry was never going to end? Was it a cross between the wanting to succeed however being set back by an episode?

All these questions help contribute towards finding yourself and understanding that the show must go on.

Lately I have spoken to very close friends on twitter who have taught me more about my condition than I ever knew.

To represent a cause is one thing, to raise awareness is another however to be looked upon as an Epilepsy advocate from others battling this condition their entire lives is something I to this day are overjoyed to say I’m a part of. Together we discuss many an issue ranging from seizure control, medication types, music, the list is endless. Last night it was all about the poetry.

For one of the mothers who I chat to I can see a fight within her that makes me want to reach out and give her a hug. To watch any child suffering is one thing however her endurance, her perseverance and her determination to succeed on behalf of her son suffering from Epilepsy is astounding.

My fellow Epilepsy advocate reminds me of my mother and that’s what makes me want to help her when I can I may not have all the answers for everyone out there however would think that by explaining my personal journey may indeed help her one day.

One word of advice I’d share regarding that and this applies to all of you. I say this with the best intention in the world. I also utter these words as they were once said to me from someone I hold dear whom I lost over ten years ago.

Keep going. You’ll never know how much you’re loved. Rivers will be a struggle to cross at times however through will and positivity you will eventually get there. At times you may feel like you’re trying to find THE piece to complete the puzzle. The piece is within you therefore understand, accept and you will get there in the end.

Within them I’ve met a number of friends that although I’ve never met have given me the strength to want what’s best for myself, to remain healthy and to appreciate that Epilepsy won’t define me in fact Epilepsy is only a part of me. Whether it be pals from across the pond who I have a good laugh with or followers within this country we are all coming together for a cause that touches all our lives.

I refuse for my condition to dominate me entirely like it once did. I’m my own person and although Epilepsy can take control occasionally my life is far better understanding it than fearing it.

As for the remainder of my day. The healthy eating is rather poor. I know I will get a very large bollocking from you all because my will power when food’s involved is rather shocking. I tend to get halfway there and then make a complete balls of it. I eat healthy and then throw it away the following day with utter rubbish.

I have therefore eaten my last piece of chocolate and are looking at my fridge armed with low fat muller rices. I intend to stop eating as much rice and eat far more salads and green vegetables to gain energy. This should hopefully help my tiredness.. that and drinking the green tea of course!

No exercise completed today however got my alarm set early for tomorrow morning therefore will recommence exercise tomorrow after my two days from training.

To conclude today’s post. Fighting isn’t about bullying others or having what I would call fisty cuffs with other people. It’s about finding that fight inside of you and winning your own personal battle. Never let sleeping dogs lie. Find that strength and be who you want to be.

Tiredness, green tea and the fear of turning into my parents.

Tuesday. Oh how I wish you were Friday. Now that’s not right is it? Surely I shouldn’t be wishing my life away. Well today all I wanted to do was drift into the good old land of nod and snooze for England.

I’ve decided tonight is going to be more of a ramble instead of my usual reminiscing about down days and slotting the odd inspirational saying in. As I’m rambling there’s bound to be the odd swear word in here.

The purpose of this evening’s post is to let you in on just general stuff instead of the anxious person I can become when my condition’s mentioned. Instead of the various sides of me such as the shaky person or the concerned aspects of my personality I thought I’d just be Saz for this evening.

For years I’ve sat on the shelf worrying about my condition and although I choose to raise Epilepsy and anxiety awareness sometimes I think it’s nice to take a breather and take into account that my life is more than my condition.

Sometimes it’s equally as effective writing about other things than just my condition if that makes any sense.

I’ve officially decided to not go into the depths of despair but just write about everything and nothing. I thought I’d share to see if any of you can associate with my personality. God help you if you do.

Today has been a funny old day if I do say so myself. As usual duty calls and as it’s Tuesday well there’s only one thing for me to do. Go to work.

To summarise today it’s safe to say that I’ve turned from a bubbly person to someone who is constantly tired and when I mean tired I mean I could literally fall asleep on a washing line.

Thank you to you all for your advice so far. Although I am 99% certain the keppra is causing this tiredness I’ve decided to get checked out by the doctor just to be on the safe side.

Anyhow apart from yawning every five minutes today I’ve been having a right laugh.. at myself!

Firstly that’s the thing about certain days of the week they tend to blend into one because the routine is exactly the same, however when you throw me into the mix you never quite know what you’re going to get. Secondly as you are all aware I love nothing more than laughing at myself because let’s face it I am chief goon.

My day usually consists of..

Alarm at 5.15, get up at 5.45 for work. Take my inhalers, try to walk (however usually fall) down the stairs whilst dragging my feet. Give the cat a quick stroke before shovelling a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice down my neck whilst taking my six anti epileptic drugs, antihistamines and multi vitamins.

Fifteen minutes later on goes the shower, the war paint(an old saying for makeup) is then applied and the little bit of hair I have is sticking up like fork lighting. After an hour I’m en route to work trying to smile whilst still feeling as rough as a badgers arse. I can only presume you all feel the same, if not then I’m an exception.

Today a further three parts were added to the fold.. best continue.

This morning whilst getting ready and listening to the verve to wake me I started chuckling to myself and wondered how the hell I get through the day.

Being a 28 year old I should be clued up with all the usual stuff such as apps, instagramming (I’m getting better at that) and logging every smidge of my day on facebook.

In fact I should have researched the art of social networking and the jargon that appears to come with it however to be honest I cannot be bothered. I’d rather have a cup of tea and catch up with old films such as Casino, Scarface and Taxi driver whilst dropping the occasional tweet to you all.

After speaking with a couple of twitter pals this morning before work I’ve drawn the conclusion that I’m officially old when it comes to the whole social networking scene.

For all you people older than me apologies for that comment however after reading this it’s safe to say that you know more lingo than I do because I don’t have a clue. In fact I think I’m turning into my parents who have the same level of computer intelligence than I do. Well maybe that’s a little lie.. The only difference being is that I know how to turn a computer on.

I cannot work a computer without getting frustrated. I do so at work and I don’t know how I get by at times. I have an Iphone that I’ve only just got the hang of 22 months on (and I’m due an upgrade next month) and as for transferring music on anything other than ITunes well I’m stuck right there.

Whilst scrolling through my twitter timeline this morning a whole lot of YOLO came up on my screen. I mean honestly WTF does YOLO mean? I’ve only just got the hang of LOL, WTF and hashtagging but YOLO. I was intrigued therefore went online first thing asking my followers what YOLO meant. How sad am I? Haha!

I swear whilst pressing the tweet button I could just sense you all having a little giggle to yourselves whilst thinking quietly “Who’s this tosser?” whilst responding.

I have been informed that YOLO means you only live once. As this is the case then tonight I will merge my usual inspirational awareness posts with a bit of jargon and tell you all to YOLO! Eee.. that’s so bad, I can’t believe I’ve just written that and promise you all that I will never say that again.

Why can’t we all just say the whole sentence without abbreviating it. It sounds so much better. If I said YOLO to my dad he’d probably think I was saying Polo and ask me for a mint.

Mid day I was absolutely shattered. Everyone around me thinks that this tiredness isn’t normal for a girl of my age. I called the GP and could feel myself drifting off into my chicken basmati dish whilst talking.

Before long I decided there was only one way to keep me awake. Before you say coffee. No. I decided there was only one way forward (or so the internet tells me)… Green tea.

Now green tea. Words can’t describe my NON attraction to green tea. The fact consumers think that disguising the bitter taste with a dash of lemon flavouring to make it taste better is an understatement.

Why don’t these consumers read reviews and accept that it’s bloody awful stuff and adding lemon doesn’t make a bit of difference.

The only thing that appealed to me today about green tea is the fact it’s supposed to uplift you, keep you awake and assist the healthy eating regime. Out of sheer desperation I decided I must endure drinking green tea yet again.

Low and behold the green tea did in fact kept me awake therefore you know what tomorrow means? Another green tea day! Bugger that give me a cup of Tetley anyday!

As for this evening well. Exercise done, healthy eating complete, chores done, blogging now done. Saz time. Damn right.

To conclude today’s post. The tiredness may never go because it’s medication related, the turning into my parents is inevitable and as for the green tea well that’s gotta go. Actually come to think of it I suppose I could slot it into my regime on the basis it benefits me somehow.

The one thing I will say is that as I’m getting older I’m starting to appreciate what life has to offer. We need to have the odd bout of laughter to get us through our day but most importantly we should never lose sight of who we are and what we want. Write down the things that make you laugh and refer back to them in times of anxiousness. It may kick you out of your worried state.

If all else fails drink a cup of green tea. That’ll make you smile.. not.

Victim or heroine?

“Above all be the heroine of your life, not the victim”- Nora Ephron.

The definition of a heroine (or so Google tells me)

1) A woman admired or idealized for her courage and noble qualities
2) The chief female character in a book, play or a movie that is typically identified with good qualities.

Firstly I’d like to say this applies to you lads so don’t feel left out mind! You are hero’s too!

I found the above quote today and it got me analysing what we want, what we think we are and what we fall into.

I think I’ve touched on a fair few subjects since coming online in January and emphasised the importance of acceptance, seeking support, anxiety and epileptic episodes however when it comes to something as complex as tonight’s post then I thought I would voice my opinion on things.

Like previous posts I will stress that what I say is solely my opinion and my opinion only therefore apologies if anyone takes offence.

The other day I made it abundantly clear that there are certain aspects of my life that cannot be altered.

I could sit here all day prattling on about how boyfriends had wronged me, how ex friends made me feel worthless and as for my condition well where do I start.

Upon diagnosis I remember sitting back terrified at what my condition would bring.

I was a child completely oblivious as to what the next few years would have in store for me. This was normal. Any child or parent bringing up a child with a medical condition is bound to have concerns and as for the child well they’re finding themselves. Me immediately I felt like I was the victim. I was a victim of Epilepsy.

I didn’t ask to have Epilepsy it just arrived therefore why did it choose me?

For years I asked myself that question. After every fit, every shaky bout, every wave of anxiety there I would sit questioning why it was happening to me. I would focus on the consequences and not that I must have had strength to come out of the episode relatively unscathed.

Instead of worrying I should have understood that I was one of millions of individuals out there coping with Epilepsy therefore why was I so upset?

I was panicking because I didn’t want to look into other people’s lives and compare them to my own however all I could see is what was happening to me.

Whilst sitting here cup of milky coffee in hand I’m thinking about where Saz was then and where she is now.

I will openly admit I have been one of those people who I cannot stand.

I’ve been the person who’s said “Why me?” on so many occasions I’ve lost count.

I’ve said why me that much that I wore myself out. I’ve sat there and over evaluated friendships, relationships, family problems and everything in between to the point where I couldn’t sleep at night over the fear that I would have cocked something up.

Instead of accepting that Rome wasn’t built in a day, that my condition couldn’t be prevented and that I couldn’t please everybody all of the time I allowed myself to cry and cry and cry some more. About what I cannot recall.

What I have identified with me is that over the past two years specifically I’ve started to change who I am.

What I should be doing and are trying to do now is to direct myself to the qualities I have and be proud of what I’m accomplishing.

Instead of sitting there focusing on the negatives I should be looking saying out loud that I’ve been seizure free for four years and that’s an accomplishment in itself. I shake however that’s a part of who I am.

Along with the seizure control I have a family who love me, a couple of true friends who care deeply, a cat that I adore and a job that gives me a little spare cash to buy all the things in life us girls love such as clothes, makeup, contributions towards those mini vacations but the top of the list has to be the chocolate.. low fat of course haha! The list is endless. That mightn’t seem like a lot to some people but it does to me.

A hard exterior is something I’m gradually getting, this weekend has proved it. I cannot be arsed with people who feel like they can pop into my life when they feel like it.

Why do people do that? You don’t hear from someone in years and then all of a sudden they want to be friends after they tell you where to go? Why?

Over the past few days I’ve caught up with previous blog posts I’ve written along with others from twitter pals and friends on wordpress.

The material you’ve all written makes me see that you can in fact be a heroine to others but most importantly to yourself. I don’t think anyone really likes to praise themselves however you should praise yourself for the posts you’re writing because they inspire others. I know they inspire me.

Whilst reading I’ve noticed that we all share the same passion. Usually it’s the documenting our findings in order to get issues off your chest or to help others we feel are in the same position as us seems to be the pattern I see emerging. It’s the journey we’re documenting and if that’s therapeutic for you then fabulous. We all have our reasons why we choose to blog.

As for the rest of the rest of the weekend. I’ve been working a little overtime to pay for my upcoming haircut, a new blazer I’ve seen and to help contribute towards my little getaway to Liverpool next month.

The football season began last week (premier league next week) and the gambling recommenced. Like my bets my healthy eating went tits up with me having a very large bag of chip shop chips. I had a corned beef and potato pasty for my lunch yesterday afternoon. I have no excuses.. Today has been a lot better with me eating rabbit food (salad) for this afternoons lunch.Oh the joys of salad or so she says sarcastically.

If it’s chicken salad I just eat the chicken and lettuce, the same applies with a ham salad, mackerel salad you get where I’m coming from. It defeats the object really doesn’t it? I’d rather forego anything than have salad. This evening it’s about the chicken dinner minus the Yorkshires. Happy days!

Exercise wise I’ve exercised for two days running, today will be my third. I’m on a roll.

To conclude today’s post. Be a hero/heroine not a victim. Unfortunately shit happens in life that we don’t particularly like however bouncing back clearly outweighs the original problem. This pattern won’t change overnight however you will get there.

I’ve said this many a time you are far stronger than what you think. It’s the writing down what you want, what you need to get rid of and what you want for you that should be at the forefront of your mind. Home in on your qualities and run with them. If I can try I know you can.

Accepting you for who you are.

“A life spent making mistakes is not one more honourable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing” – George Bernard Shaw.

Mistakes. Oh that word. Everyone makes them. Everyone is partial to making mistakes in their lifetime whether you’ve been giving or on the receiving end of it. Unfortunately that’s life and that’s something we have to accept.

You get these people who come out saying “I’ve never made any mistakes in my life” or ” I’ve never had any regrets” or the one that makes me laugh the hardest is “I’ve never had a crossed word with anyone”. What a load of rubbish.

What I fancy like saying is who are you kidding?

It’s right in what George said above. It isn’t necessarily honourable to make mistakes however they are made.

You cannot go through life being all nicey nicey to everyone and everything. You’re bound to mistakes at some point in your life. We’re only human.

Before I start babbling I have to say hello to everyone and apologies for not blogging for just under a week. As some of you are aware I have been extremely busy and not to mention extremely tired also. I have however tried my utmost to keep in contact with you all via twitter.

I rattled off a list of #ff requests today. There’s not enough spaces to write all of your names therefore I send an all user tweet because the people reading this should follow EVERYONE from my follower list you fabulous bunch you.

Thank you all for the responses however deep down I have to admit.. I don’t haven’t got a bloody clue what I’m doing. Here I am coming across all technical however I’m just someone trying to be “down with the kids” and speak the twitter lingo.. hopefully I’ll get there soon.

My medication is playing up and making me feel a lot more tired than usual; so much so I was sent home mid week to regain my strength. My shakes came and I snoozed for all of three hours. Never mind. I’m back on the mend, taking multi vitamins and getting back to my usual silly self.

Do you all find with medication that there’s one specific side effect that well and truly pisses you off? Well apart from my shakes tiredness is the other. I mean I’m tired literally all the time. I can officially say that at 28 years old I am possibly (to my knowledge) the queen of nana naps! I don’t resemble my nan in any way shape or form god rest her soul however I can’t help myself. I could sleep on a washing line if someone let me.

Anyhow enough of the doom and gloom I best explain my reasoning behind this evenings quote.

I’m going to be blunt and say it as it is. I’m literally sick of being someone who whinges that’s all I seem to do. Winge about not eating healthier, whinging about my tiredness and whinging that the cat is a dirty stop out spending all night gallivanting while I’m sitting in the house like any mother impatiently waiting for her child to return home from a night on the tiles.

I now intend to take my own advice for a change and that is to get out there and live my life because whinging about it is only depriving me of what I should be doing.. enjoying myself.

Ever since I was diagnosed I’ve blamed my condition for everything. I’ve blamed my epilepsy for the choices I’ve made and the situations I’ve got myself into. To be brutally honest my condition may have restricted me from certain things however I am responsible for my own actions as are you.

Life is like a waltzer going round and round to the point where you do at times get a little dizzy. Instead of being spun because you wanna go faster there’s this little part of you deep down is saying “Stop the ride I’m gonna be sick”. To me this is what I’ve put onto myself for many years and am in the process of changing.

The other day when I returned home I went into bed feeling rather blue. I lay there wishing I could have fought harder to remain at work or analysing what I could have done differently to prevent my episode from arising.

Deep down apart from maintaining a positive attitude nothing could have been done. It was my body’s way of telling me that I was tired and I had to digest that and sleep it off. It was only three hours later after I awoke that I acknowledged this issue and moved on from it.

Epilepsy is a condition that may feel like it’s taking every ounce of strength you have however deep down you need to realise that you’re the strong one, not the condition. You’re the one making changes everyday to adapt your attitude and that in itself deserves a massive pat on the back.

Epilepsy and anxiety are struggles but you show me something that isn’t. It’s hard however we get through. We discuss and act like a barrier for one another to seek that all important advice. That shouldn’t be knocked that’s something that should be praised.

Basically what I’m saying is that although you have to take ownership of your life there are certain things even you cannot prevent whether that be something ranging from a seizure to redundancy at work. You cannot alter these. You’ve all probably heard of the saying “Turn that frown upside down” well go ahead and do it, see how you feel.

On a lighter note. The healthy eating well..

I’m not going to lie I’ve had a couple of bars of chocolate however managed to eat healthy with everything else. If you count sleeping in the mix then I’ve worked out so hard during the past week. If not then I’ve only completed three nights. As I’m now back on the multi vitamins I intend to get back on the horse and show it what it’s made of.

As for the family all is well. I’ve managed to catch up with a few and managed to get a “Dad cuddle” the other night after he popped round to check on his daughter’s welfare. I have to admit that even 28 years on one of the highlights has to be my dad’s cuddles. As soppy as it may sound he’s always there to lift my spirits and make me smile. Merge my dad’s humour with the small amount of humour my husband and I have then you have a weird yet quite funny concoction.

Over the course of the evening my dad did his usual slagging everyone off and gloating that in a couple of days time both him and my stepmother were jetting to various parts of Europe before finishing it all off at a friend’s wedding in Italy. Jammy buggers. You’ve got to love him.

To conclude this evening’s post.

Acceptance is something I consistently write about however feel that in my own personal journey acceptance along with managing to laugh at yourself are two vital pieces of my puzzle that has enabled me to move forward. As for making mistakes well you’re bound to make them however again that’s just life. Sometimes we cannot beat about the bush we have to just say it as it is.

You shouldn’t knock yourself you should appreciate that sometimes we don’t get it all right however understanding our decisions can in fact make us stronger not weaker. Remember there’s only one you. There’s no point in being a second rate version, just be who you are. That’s more than enough.

Anger vs Happiness.

“For every minute you’re angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness”- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Happiness. What is it exactly?

In my opinion happiness is when you have that overwhelming sense of pride in your tummy. It’s the grin that resembles the Cheshire cat out of Alice in Wonderland and it’s the feeling of knowing that something or someone has made you feel so happy.

Today isn’t going to be like my usual posts. It’s going to be smidge shorter for one however today is going to be homing in on happiness as a whole and whether getting yourself angry over the slightest thing has a drastic impact on that happiness.

Over the years I’ve found I have a little bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character in me. I think we all to an extent.

I don’t think we ever stumble through life constantly being angry or bursting with pride every second of every day I think we can revert our feelings very quickly from one extreme to another without even realising.

Upon diagnosis there was this misconception as to what my Epilepsy was.

In relation to my anxiety and the mild attacks I’d have I’d feel like I was letting the side down by not enjoying myself and choosing to stay indoors instead of going through the motions. This in itself would create that feeling of frustration thus turning me into Angry Saz.

This alternate side of me was something I didn’t particularly like however when I was in my angry zone I couldn’t think clearly. What I should have done was accept the frustration I had and acknowledge this frustration in order to carry out the remainder of the day.

A question for you all? Do any of you get those moments where you feel like you’re not grasping the task in front of you? Do you ever feel that it doesn’t matter how many times you try you’re not quite there?

If you answer yes to any of these questions how do you cope or better still how do you deviate from allowing yourself to feeling overwhelmed?

Well this is what I have a tendency to get a little subdued in times of change. I’m all for embracing change in my head and encourage this when I approach others however when it comes tome taking own advice and putting this into practice then I’m stumped.

As I document my feelings onto Sazzle’s blog I start to forward instead of back wanting to live my life in the present and not in the past. Although my past has taught me a significant amount of life skills it’s also taught me that living in the past is something I want to do on a regular basis. Been there, done that and worn the sodding TShirt.

On the flip side life is for living and it’s definitely for the now.

Happiness should be at the forefront of your mind along with the people you want to ensure are happy such as your partner, your children but most importantly yourself. As you can gather my happiness is spending time amongst family, friends, having the odd glass of wine and making a complete fool of myself. If I had a choice I would choose this place every single time.

Epilepsy is something that I’ve believed for years has tested my happiness. It’s made me question what I need to do to maintain that element of happiness when I am having those shaky bouts and times of demotivation.

From blogs I’ve read previously and conversations I’ve had with others. In times of anger don’t over evaluate what you’re doing but see where the anger will get you and where it will lead you.

Although you may find that anger may remove the stresses you have think of the consequences it will have on your day and whether kicking off will actually benefit you at all. Think logically and know that whatever storm you’re currently in will pass on the basis you want it to pass.

Should your condition be troubling you then look at what could be causing the problem. Is it a side effect of your meds? Is it the fact that you’re just had a seizure and you’re disappointed with yourself or if you like me is it something as trivial as cutting your tongue and wondering how you’re going to enjoy a drink of juice without it stinging?

There’s usually an answer to everything, it’s how you react to that answer is key therefore don’t allow it to dominate your life.

As for the remainder of the day. Rather boring really. I’m due to exercise shortly so that should be rather fun (yawn), the healthy eating is going remarkably well considering I want to eat everything in the house and the cat finally has fresh cat litter.

Our Benny bless him has hurt his paw. The vet has noticed an inch cut on the inside of one of his claws possibly as a result of climbing tress.

Earlier on in the week we decided to take the cat to the vet. Not only was he stressed to the hilt vomiting and soiling himself in his cat carrier he was pushed and shoved by the vet roughly that made me rather upset. When it comes to animals I’m a soppy bugger however wasn’t feeling that soppy when I found out how much the vet bill was going to be.

For the second time in a couple of months I’ve harped on about vets bills. £74! How much? For an injection, a shaved paw and a course of medicine. Scandalous that’s what that is! The standard medical prescription for humans is approximately £8, but bloody £74 is crazy! Never mind I love him and he’s getting better therefore I’m feeling happier.

To conclude today’s post. You can’t prevent being angry every now and again. That’s human nature however think of the consequences before making rash decisions. Understand what makes you tick and try to prevent those emotions flaring up by taking up a hobby or organising a night out with friends.

Happiness should be something we make a priority like we do our loved ones. Remember what makes us happier and translate that to the ones we care for. Don’t lose valuable time, create it.

Letting go..

“Sometimes you have to let people go. Everyone who’s in your life are meant to be in your journey, but not all of them are meant to stay”- Unknown.

What is it about letting go that we refuse to do? Is it the concern that we will never be liked? Or is it something else?

Whatever the weather you have to sit back and realise that times are changing, people move on and although you think you’re standing still watching the world pass you by you are probably completely oblivious to the fact that you’re moving too.

For the past week I’ve been off work seeing family, going on day trips here there and everywhere and just generally having a bit of me time with my nearest and dearest.

It’s times like these where I reflect and see that whatever troubles I think I have are completely erased when I’m around the people I love. Although the headaches are still prominent and the shakes make an appearance every so often I try to digress and focus on their discussion rather than me.

After a thorough chat with others I accept that the worries I have burdened myself with in the past weren’t in fact worries at all it was un-necessary tension I was putting onto myself.

The quote I’ve selected today stands out from many I’ve mentioned in the past. Why? I think it’s because it’s one that I think we all stumble across at some point in our lives. I think it’s something that we usually push to the back of our minds on the off chance that we will never have to use our decision making skills and make those vital choices as to whether to let go or to keep pressurising ourselves.

With me I have until a couple of years ago wanted so desperately to have everything plain sailing. I didn’t want the waves, I didn’t want the rollercoaster ride I just wanted to keep everyone happy and be problem free. Now it’s about not seeking approval or worrying about a plan deviating off course it’s about having a bit of a go with the flow sort of attitude instead of the “What do I do now?” panic stricken face.

Unfortunately life doesn’t work like that. You just have to look at my condition to see that. Epilepsy along with anxiety are conditions that are impulsive, they show their face when they please whether it be through convulsions, shakes or medication side effects and usually make you feel lack lustre and weak as a result.

They are long lasting conditions that stay with you until you grow out of them. Unfortunately some of us have it worse than others, some like me are very fortunate that my episodes aren’t as frequent however I know my condition is still with me therefore try to live life having a positive slant on things instead of being Miss Negative.

I would be lying to say that I didn’t have my angry and rather tiresome moments however that’s some of the downsides of my condition and something I’m trying to overcome as the years pass by.

Upon questioning how our condition and letting go are linked I will explain it the only way I know how. Ignore me if I’m wrong.

Being diagnosed from a relatively early age was dissatisfying. The fear of the unknown took centre stage and made me extremely paranoid to the point where I didn’t know whether I was coming or going, whether some people were my friends because of my condition and knowing I was being someone else to counteract my condition.

To put it bluntly I was scared of my Epilepsy because I didn’t get the warning signs, I got no aura and usually when I had a seizure I was found in the strangest of places in the bath, in the middle of a main road, on a bus en route to work. If I’m brutally honest I was afraid of it for a long time and didn’t want anyone to see my weakness. I could talk about it with partial passion however was afraid of what my Epilepsy could turn into.

What I should have done from the get go is to stare my condition in the face and show that I wasn’t afraid. As for the negative people around me well what I should have done in a dignified manner is to tell them where to go and remove that negativity from my mind so I could concentrate on remaining stress free, schooling, work etc.

What is apparent as I get older is that everyone will go through life condition or not making mistakes, raising questions time and time again and that initial worry of whether you’ve made the right decision in all aspects of life. What we should be doing is accepting the decision made was possibly right at the time however the most important is that we hold the people we love so dear close to us and allow them to be a part of our journey as we are a part of theirs.

With regards to your condition. You may never be able to let go of your Epilepsy because you’re Epilepsy is a part of you. Ask yourself why would you want to let it go? Yes you want the seizures to stop, yes you want the headaches to go away and yes you want to feel relatively normal however if you were to take them away entirely wouldn’t your mind not worry about something else?

Epilepsy to me is something that although it’s in the back of mind is something I should be proud of not afraid of.

Whatever your problem you should be proud at what you’re currently achieving and the strength you have within yourself to persevere and continue. As for the rest of the people who can’t share your happiness then as harsh as it is to say Fuck them because they don’t deserve your tears. You have to be accepting of what you have and in doing so will give you the determination to continue.

As for the past 48 hours. I’ve done my rounds with the family, went to a BBQ and had a couple of bottles of Bud to wash down the mini burger I had. To summarise the week. It’s been rather enjoyable.

On Thursday night my other and I decided it was only right to have a night at the cinema. For those who saw my twitter timeline on Thursday will know that Monsters University was the film of choice. There we went, me sitting on my usual aisle seat tucking into my two scoops of Ben & Jerrys Fro yo amongst the six year old kids tugging on mammy’s arm for more popcorn and sweets. Bless them.

The film was easy watching, rather comical and took me back to my youth. It wasn’t a patch on the first one however rather good if I do say so myself.

Food wise. Apart from the burger I had yesterday and the mammoth portion of cheesecake consumed after the eating has been going ok. I’m within my calorie limit and have been exercising every other day.

I’ve been given a little exercise plan from my pal Michelle and have been trying to get those squats, plank and push ups in there. I have attempted to also do my Nike running with my twitter pals however my headaches start straight away after those so as soon as they do I’ll be back on it. For my mate Sandy you’re doing great! Keep it up!

To conclude today’s post. Letting go is extremely difficult and something you’ll do when it’s right for you. Sometimes we have to get rid of the rubbish to see clearly. Life is about embracing new challenges and making new memories for yourself not worrying about the negativity surrounding you.

How can you move forward if you’ve got people dragging you down? Forget what hurt you in the past but never actually forget what it taught you. It taught you to be strong and maybe it will teach you to think twice before being hurt again. Remember this. In order for you to be happy you need to have that happiness around you. The rest is history.