“My kids are my heart and soul. They will always be my babies even when they grow old”- Anon.
Many may question why I’ve chosen today’s quote as I have no children of my own however I think the title pretty much gives the game away. This post may not resemble previous one’s I’ve written because this time this post is based on my father’s perspective and not just my own.
This post is dedicated to him and all the father’s out there who have chosen to be the rock for their children, who make their child’s condition their own to take the strain off them growing up.
Ever since I was born my father and I have had a relationship that couldn’t be broken. I was an only child and a one that looked up to my dad.
No matter the circumstance my dad and I refuse to allow petty concerns to interfere with the bond we have and I am extremely fortunate to call him my father.
My dad was to become a father at the age of 25 and after a relationship breakdown with my mam the two of us became inseparable not allowing their breakup to prevent us from having a relationship.
To this day we speak on the phone regularly, waffle about the same old rubbish but have a laugh in the process.
Those who have read Sazzle’s blog from the beginning will be aware of the relationship my parents and I both have irrespective of separating 25 years ago. Some in the past outside of reading my blog have called their relationship “odd” as they are still extremely close, to me it’s all I know. They say age brings experience and in their case this is so true.
Every Saturday my dad and I make it a priority to go out for a couple of hours, walk arm in arm talking a load of bollocks, have numerous cups of tea and maybe buy a sneaky purchase that no doubt my mam will pick up on later on when she pops round. In doing so she’ll look at us both saying “Have you been treating her again?” to which my dad will smile and I will respond with a cheeky wink.
Since being diagnosed with Epilepsy at eight years old my dad’s behaviour has changed entirely over the past 20 years with him wanting to protect his daughter over and above the norm incase the inevitable happens.
Like a child learning to read and write my dad has made the effort over my lifetime to learn about Epilepsy and to assist others in his quest. Let’s just say my dad is the person who wipes away my worries and gives me that hope in times of sorrow.
Having a seizure in front of my dad has been described as “one of the worst experiences he’s ever had” and one that my dad describes as making him feel helpless however something that gives him the elusive strength to want to protect his daughter with everything he has. A feeling that makes him wonder why and how Epilepsy has entered his child’s life and why as a father he cannot stop this from happening.
Watching the aftermath of my dad’s behaviour following a seizure I’ve had for me has to be the worst.
Watching my dad vomit because he’s afraid his daughter is afraid, seeing a six foot man shake like a leaf at the prospect of his child being unresponsive is a daunting prospect and one my dad always says isn’t my fault. I have Epilepsy and he has to accept this.
Following previous conversations with my dad he has always said that you cannot prepare for what you’re about to witness. What is certain is that you wish you could take away that worry from your child’s shoulders and put it onto your own. It’s a father’s prerogative to remove the bad from their child’s life and to protect them with everything you have.
To him he is immensely proud and to him in times of my weakness he has said that strength will prevail and that’s exactly what I’m showing him. Although I don’t necessarily see this within myself he knows it’s there.
Whether it be a seizure, a shaky bout or a moment of anxiety my dad is never more than a phone call away.
Within 15 minutes of an episode happening there he is entering onto a hospital ward or into my home for a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek. There he comes standing tall bar of chocolate in his hand and a couple of wise words for his daughter that usually consist of “Stay strong” or “You’re doing great sweetheart, you make your dad so proud”.
Let’s just say it’s my dad’s way of coping and providing me with the recognition I require when I’m down.
This is why I love my dad because I know my dad has been there from day one. There are many people out there who don’t get this opportunity and who over time have watched their father’s neglect the one thing that should be precious to them that being you.
Unfortunately when it comes to Epilepsy our family members go unnoticed. People perceive Epilepsy as solely effecting the individual having an Epileptic episode however this couldn’t be any farther from the truth. When it comes to our condition it’s the people who provide the support who should be recognised.
It’s not all about feeling down in the dumps it’s about understanding that Epilepsy is far greater than seizures. It’s a lifelong change and a one that takes time and perseverance to accept.
As for the remainder of the week…
Food wise out comes my fitness pal app on my iphome, my davina fitin15 dvd (yet again) and my healthy cookbooks as I have officially put on 5lbs and I’m not impressed. Let’s just say I don’t think the chocolate cake I had at work last Friday has helped matters however as beautiful as that tasted my arse is getting bigger so that’s it!
Healthy Saz here I come. I’ve decided smaller portions, yoga, and drinking plenty of water must be incorporated into my new regime.
As for my yankee candle obsession well I now have approximately 25 jars that’s NOT including votives and wax tarts. I never thought I would love candles as much but I think I’ve surprised myself (and my bank balance) somehow!
To conclude today’s post.
I love you dad and everything you have given me over the past 28 years. You are a wonderful man and a one that inspires me everyday. You’re love, devotion and wit has given me the hope to want to move forward and accept myself for who I am not my condition. You have taught me how to be a positive person so I can pass this onto others which I hope I’m carrying out.
You have made me appreciate that the mini victories in life should be treasured and getting back up clearly outweighs staying down. You may be a shit gambler but you’re mine.
As for the other dad’s reading this. You don’t know how valuable you are in our lives. You make us smile, you get on our nerves at times but we wouldn’t have you any other way. Thanks for always being there.
Family is so important. It doesn’t matter how old you are they’ll always be your children and your parents are usually the ones who provide you with the soundest advice because they have your best interests at heart.
Let’s raise a glass and toast to family.. without you what are we?