Higher education or learning about yourself? What’s more important?

Good evening everyone. A late post tonight therefore this won’t be as long as my usual.. or so she says.

Before I start rattling off my usual deep Sazisms I would like to inform you all that Saz officially hit her 400th follower on twitter.

Along with my wordpress and facebook following my actual followers are approaching 480 and I am over the moon with that figure.

People reading may think “That’s nothing” however considering this blog was about documenting my personal journey and was initially for my eyes only I think it’s done pretty well to which I am extremely grateful to you all. Thank you for your positive feedback, your support but most importantly your advice.

Right enough babbling here we go.

Today’s quote has to be:

“Formal education will make you a living; self education will make you a fortune”- Jim Rohn.

This morning I was reading an article in the local paper about children making the ultimate decision to go to University. Mid way down the article I could feel my mind drifting to when I was their age. Seeing tonight’s quote coincides with this article rather well.

When people mention the word formal education I start thinking. For the majority of people entering higher education (i.e sixth form/college, university) they have a plan.

That plan is to either do one of three things it’s to go down the path they want for themselves, it’s entering university because they’re parents want them to specialise in a certain profession that they never did or if you were like me you entered university thinking you knew what you wanted however were actually killing time because deep down you didn’t want to admit that you were just standing still.

Before I go any further I would like to say that my opinions are my own therefore the intention is not to offend anyone who has furthered their own education these are my thoughts and my thoughts only. If you want to further your education then brilliant. You know what you want and that’s your decision.

Me I was pretty much a little girl lost and looking back only a quarter of the people I knew that went to university entered the job of their dreams. The remainder are either in the same position as me employed learning life skills in the job they currently have, unemployed or are travelling the world still not knowing what they want.

In today’s society unemployment is rife with the figures increasing on a monthly basis. My parents brought me up to work, to work full time and pay my way because that’s what life was and still is all about. They taught me to be as independent as I can and to “never borrow, never lend” from anyone.. well maybe the odd £5 from them I suppose… and the odd hint when out shopping- that’s what children do even if they’re 28!

Some students who have passed their course wanting so desperately to continue are sitting on the shelf waiting for that ideal opportunity to come along so they can put their new found experience to good use. With that in mind I feel for them. Student fees are rising considerably and compared to the early noughties some are putting uni on hold because of financial hardship.

With regards to tonight’s quote I think to myself what is more beneficial for us as individuals? Is it piling the pressure on to get the degree or is teaching ourselves how to live our lives to the fullest with the tools we already have? Or is it both? I’ll let you decide.

Is getting a degree the be all and end all? Does getting that degree mean you’re any further forward as a person? If you don’t succeed does that make you a failure?

This has been the bone of contention since I left university with me questioning whether it was the right decision to make by leaving. Within a month of starting Sazzle’s blog I wrote everything down that upset me about University. My seizures had returned, I was miserable and I was getting into debt because I wanted to live “The student life”.

To a degree (pardon the pun) I blamed the stresses of university behind my seizures returning and the upheaval that was caused as a result of that chapter in my life.

Deep down this possibly wasn’t the case however I had nothing or nobody to point the blame at. I therefore made the decision to return home four months into my course putting my happiness before letters after my name. I’ve got my entire life to want letters after my name if I really want it and finances permit.

Instead of moping I decided that instead of getting the media degree I thought I wanted I decided that it was only right that now my seizures had made an appearance that I educate myself about my condition instead of learning about someone else’s life through a media textbook.

Maybe leaving university was giving me the sign that I needed to find myself and not the person I thought I wanted to be.

I have always been lead to believe that you are what you make yourself. If you want educating then educating you shall do. Teaching yourself common sense ranks higher because you can stand on your own two feet. As I’ve grown older I think that you can have as many qualifications as your heart desires however if you haven’t got a degree in common sense then where do you stand? I’m still trying to find common sense however I’m getting there… 🙂

People make mistakes that’s human nature however it’s the learning from the mistakes that’s key.

Since speaking to you all I’m understanding my condition more than I ever have and that in my eyes is a greater attribute than bragging about what qualifications I have. Maybe uni just wasn’t for me and if I was making the decision all over again would I change my mindset? Possibly not.

As for the remainder of my day. Exercise is on hold until this bloody headaches go. I’m having a mid afternoon snooze daily and are taking paracetemol a couple of times a day. Only retail therapy cured today’s headache. Haha!

Eating wise apart from my mini mars bar I’ve done rather well. After consulting pals I’ve decided that by depriving myself entirely of a little sweet treat will cause me to want it even more therefore persevere with the healthy eating and eat everything in moderation.

To conclude today’s post. Be who you want to be. Get the education you want from life.

You can have both however with me it just wasn’t meant to be.. yet. Sometimes taking a step back and deciding from the offset what you actually want stands you in greater stead than what others want for you. Taking the pressure off yourself can make you feel like a richer person because you don’t have that un-necessary worry thus helping yourself and your condition.

Educating yourself about you will hopefully enable you to be a happier person. Everyone appears to want to strive for the ultimate happiness therefore be as happy as you can and take each day as it comes.

Have the final laugh.

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh.. at yourself”- Unknown.

This is quite a touchy subject with some and I don’t know why. When I say that I mean what is it with people being so damn serious? I’ve noticed with people’s mannerisms that they’re either optimistic or pessimistic.

You get those people who are repulsed when someone farts or is one of those people who get themselves all flustered when they trip over in front of a crowd of people.

Me I laugh hysterically joining in with the humour because there’s nothing funnier than poking fun at yourself and realising that you’re not perfect. I mean honestly what’s the point in wasting valuable time getting yourself stressed over the simplest thing?

I will hold my hands up high and openly admit that I have been partial to getting myself chewed over nothing worrying to the point where I came over all light headed being unwell and then feeling a bit of a berk afterwards.

It’s right what the quote above says.

The day you start laughing at yourself is the day where you start appreciating life for what it is. Having those laughs can bring the fondest memories.

Life isn’t always about taking yourself too seriously it’s about making certain aspects of your life a priority however the remainder you should enjoy not be afraid of.

When I was younger I was rather pessimistic getting myself irate at the simplest of things.

Growing older and bringing my Epilepsy along for the ride I’ve found that my thinking is completely parallel to what I was once was resulting in me now trying to be the eternal optimist and accepting that life could be so much worse.

Looking back at myself as a person I felt like I was a sheep following the herd and singing to everyone else’s tune. Nowadays I think sod it I’m going to be me and as long as I remain sensible and don’t hurt others then I’m just going to be Saz not someone else.

When I was diagnosed with grand mal seizures at the age of 8 I thought that my life would become non existent because Epilepsy would dominate my life. To a degree my condition did rule my life until one day in my late teens on their return that I wouldn’t allow my Epilepsy to exclude me from my happiness and that my life was more than my condition. I therefore sought help shortly afterwards.

I remember upon diagnosis my dad came out with a sentence that has stuck with me ever since. That sentence was:

“Never take yourself too seriously sweetheart. If you looked like me then you’d be someone who plays for England’s Ugly 11. Big nose, wonky eye and going pink round the sides”

Initially when I heard that statement I was mortified immediately finding myself saying “No dad you’re not like that” however before I could open my mouth to utter those very words I could see my dad rolling about laughing wanting me to join in on his joke. Before long I started to laugh wondering why my dad was poking fun at himself. Was he wanting my sympathy or was I taking myself too seriously?

I would say looking back it was definitely the latter of the two. Every time my seizures would get mentioned I would put a gigantic wall in front of me afraid that people would take the piss out of me. To be called an offensive name isn’t called for however sometimes in order for people to understand you have to let your guard down and explain the only way you know possible.

From those of you who have followed me from the beginning will be well aware of my bullying incident shortly after returning home from University in which one of the lads called me a spastic because I suffered from Epilepsy. To this day that argument isn’t very far from my mind when I’m out socialising however instead of fretting about it like I once did I now know that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I suffer from a condition that I will quite happily encourage people to educate themselves on because stigma is still rife across the world. I’m not embarrassed to say that I have a condition that twenty years on I’m still learning to cope with. This is who I am and if you don’t like it then no biggie.

Ask yourself this are you afraid to let yourself go because you’re uncertain what way someone will take you? Are you concerned that they won’t understand your personality or is it that if you let your guard down that you’ll become vulnerable and have an episode?

Whatever answers you’ve chosen what I’d advise is this. You may have the episode whether you answer yes to these questions or not therefore why don’t you just stand tall and have a good time regardless. You don’t need other people’s consent to enjoy yourself. Be proud to say you have a condition and if people don’t like it then tough, you know who you are and that’s the most important.

As for yesterday. My headaches have really pissed me off however I know two things are contributing towards these. My meds and the lack of water I’m drinking. Taking paracetemols every four hours hasn’t been the nicest particularly when they get lodged in your throat. After plenty of advice from my twitter pals I’ve rested my head when necessary and came back bouncing after my mid afternoon snooze.

Shakes wise they made a slight appearance yesterday forcing me to lie on the sofa however I knew that they would pass, low and behold they did before the white queen started. Oh how I love that programme. If you aren’t watching it then please do BBC1 9pm every Sunday night.

As exercise alleviates tension I thought I would stick to my promise and woop it’s arse even though it nearly killed me in the process. Some of the exercises remind me of my dancing days as a kid however that was a long time ago.

Healthy eating is going relatively well apart from my salsa mishap yesterday evening. It’s what I’m gonna call Salsa gate. Whilst making tortilla wraps for yesterday’s evening meal I thought I would allow my husband to open the salsa bottle as I’d lost the grip in my hands. Within seconds the bottle exploded and salsa was all over my walls.

Eeee what a site.

Dangerous but we saw the funny side of it also. I don’t know what was worse was that my husband had salsa all over him or the fact the salsa was up my cream walls. I stood there gobsmacked laughing uncontrollably kitchen completely covered. I wish I had the thing taped on slow mo. I can safely say my kitchen is now clean and the salsa bottle has been disposed of. Thank god.

Anyhow to conclude today’s post. Have the final laugh, there’s no comeback when people try to get one over on you. As hard is it to possibly read this and think “Aren’t you bringing yourself down to your haters level” Absolutely not. Before I go ask yourself this. What’s the point in allowing others to win with their verbal abuse?

You should be proud of yourself and realise that you shouldn’t be wasting your life trying to impress others. The only person you have to impress is yourself.

Stop comparing.. look up instead of down.

“Self confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have. How can anyone see how awesome you are if you cannot see it yourself?”- Unknown.

The quote above is something that pretty much sums up today’s events and by god it’s ever so true. Attractiveness isn’t about having the best of everything it’s about being the best that you can be and showing the world that you’re awesome.

Originally I wasn’t going to blog this evening as I’ve had errands to do however as I cannot sleep I thought I’d blog instead catching up on posts I’ve missed creating over the course of the week passed.

What is it with self confidence? It can be the Bain of people’s lives and is probably up there in the top five of insecurities.

Some people are petrified of letting their guard down out of fear that they’ll be rejected for looking/behaving a certain way, others ooze confidence and couldn’t give a shit about what people think. The rest of us seem to hover in between questioning ourselves occasionally and wondering what we can do to ooze the confidence the people we know have.

The first thing that springs to my mind when using the word self confidence is the way people look it’s the constant comparison between you and them.

They’re perfect you’re not, they’re more intelligent you’re not, they’re healthy you’re not they’ve got the perfect partner, you’ve haven’t. I mean the list is endless. Sometimes I think why do people get into this way of thinking. It’s bloody ludicrous.

What I’ve identified is that we don’t have to change ourselves to be like anybody. We just need to be us and come to terms with our own faults. It’s all about focusing on you.

By erasing these faults can enable us to have a more fulfilled life. Earning pots of cash, driving a sports car, having an enormous mansion is all materialistic it’s what I’d like to call part time happiness. Money can help release the tension of financial burden hence alleviating any stress that life can bring however what is it going to achieve?

You’ve still got your condition, you’ve still got insecurities and trust me once one element of doubt has gone unless you change your thought pattern it’s highly likely that you’ll drift back into your usual pattern. It’s about changing, cutting yourself some slack and understanding that you too are fabulous in your own unique way.

Today I overheard a couple a little older than me discussing their own lives.

Trying to ignore it my intrigue got the better of me and I overheard them comparing themselves to their friends and believing that their own lives meant nothing. They looked sad like their life meant nothing and you know what it was sad to see. The disappointment in their voices spoke volumes and made me question where I stand on the social ladder and whether we should be comparing ourselves to our fathers, forefathers and people close to us.

The hardest thing was there was this part of me wanted to turn round and tell them that their own lives are important and that idle chit chat such as “How great their lives are, their relationships, their health, jobs and social status” is irrelevant. It’s irrelevant because what people document on paper or discuss over a cuppa may be a load of old cobblers, in fact sometimes you can paint a picture that is in fact a destination than reality.

Ask yourself this what’s the point in clouding your own mind with “I want to have..” Why not go out and live your life instead of comparing yourself to others? It’s a waste of time.

After returning home today the conversation got me thinking. Surely we should just be satisfied with what we have and make subtle changes to the things we want from life. It’s what my gran would say “Being happy with your lot”.

For many years I would look at others wishing that I was like them and doing so by sticking in at University getting the degree, having a larger home and being comfortable however within seconds of reminiscing my thought pattern took a different route. Instead of thinking of the things I should have had I started looking around me at the things I have right now.

Why should you go down a path others want for you? Go down your path and don’t allow others to bring you down to their level to make them feel better.

Take the scenario above for instance. If I stuck in at University I would have been unhappy and alone. I wasn’t interested I wanted to work not study. As for the rest of it well it may never have happened and who’s to say I would have been as happy as I am right now?

Either way my Epilepsy was an insecurity and since coming home I’ve managed to tackle my insecurities, tackle my worry. marry the love of my life and stand on my own two feet.

With me what you see is what you get. I’ve listed everything from my condition, my side effects, my worries and most importantly the experiences I’ve faced over the past 20 years to help others.

I want others to see that having a condition such as Epilepsy is something that gives you the strength to progress and rise up in times of despair not to hold your head down in shame. Looking down at yourself or others shouldn’t be an option analyse what you are doing right now and if it’s positive run with it. If it’s slightly negative then address the issue and see how you get on.

Life’s too short to be sitting there wondering. That saying was one of the very sayings that stuck into my head after Cognitive Behavioural therapy. To this day I look at life in a way that I never have done before. I look at it as possible not impossible. The fights we all face make us question our ability from time to time however that’s normal. Knowing that you’ve faced this challenge before and won should be an incentive to keep going.

As for the remainder of my day.

I went clothes shopping with my dad for his upcoming holiday to Italy for a friends wedding. Over the course of the past few months my dad’s lost just over two stone and is looking healthy and positively glowing (even under the stubbly beard he has).

My dad would like to think of himself as a fashion guru. Shopping wise for me my dad’s on trend but for himself sometimes his way of thinking is a little tainted and he needs guiding in the right direction.

Therefore off we toddled to a shopping centre nearby for my dad to be made over. Dad’s eyes were well and truly opened more so when I introduced my dad to my best friend… The straight jean.

My dad’s legs are like chicken legs they’re narrow and gangly. He’s got a warm heart and a cracking personality however my dad’s legs.. well… what can I say?

Dad wearing bootcuts has started to swamp his narrower frame therefore I thought it would be best for my dad to give them a go and wow how he loved them bless him. I’ve never seen someone gorp at his figure so much. For all of three hours my dad had turned into a woman browsing through other fashions to go with his new garments.

As for the remainder of the day I’ve visited family, had an extremely tasty pasta dish all courtesy of my husband and had a small glass of white to finish it off. As today has been rather hectic exercise will resume tomorrow along with my new healthy eating plan all prepared on the blackboard. No galaxy’s allowed.

To conclude today’s post. You are you not everyone else.

Bollocks to everyone else stop looking down and start looking up. When you hit the bottom there’s only one way you’re going to go and that’s up. Looking down is like opening a can of worms.

Comparing yourself to everyone else is just wasted energy and you’re stronger than that, you prove that on a daily basis by coping with the condition you have. Don’t let anyone dent that courage. You’re pretty nifty just the way you are.

Knowing you’re worth it.

Well hello everyone or should I say what have I missed?

Ah I’m so glad to be back blogging and chatting to everyone.

By the looks of things (or should I say my twitter timeline) everyone’s talking about so many topics ranging from medication side effects to who’s going to get evicted out of tonight’s Big Brother. Well whatever the discussion you now have my undivided attention because as of today I’m off work for a week’s holiday and it’s about time Sazzle had a bit of me time to recuperate.

Right I think it’s only right to kick off this evening’s post with a quote.. as usual.

“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it” – C. Joybell C.

Now when I talk about being worth it I’m not talking about the L Oreal adverts where you get ridiculously good looking celebrities coming onto the TV flicking their hair all over the place whilst advertising the latest hair styling product I’m talking about feeling worth it in yourself and believing it.

With me I was this person who felt like the whole world was on top of her, like there was no light at the end of the tunnel and that although I was generally happy with my upbringing that I was never good enough. I would do the usual feeling sorry for myself, crying for no reason and feeling like I was standing in a dark room with no one listening. Some may perceive this as being pathetic.

Looking back I could say the crying could possibly have been linked with my medication and the side effects they would bring however deep down I knew that there was a part of me that wasn’t accepting what she saw in the mirror.

I know I could have done things differently however at the time it was normal to me. As time’s gone by my thoughts are evolving and I am now realising that strength can come from within on the basis you get to the root cause of the problem.

Ask yourself this. What is fear? Is it something we run away from at the first available opportunity or is it something else?

Me I’m not going to deny it but I have been fearful particularly when family are involved. There’s this fear that I’ll be left alone with nothing.

When you ask people what their biggest fear is the answers are usually (to name a few)

“My biggest fears are clowns, spiders, snakes”

After hearing their response the first thing that comes to my mind is are you fearful or are you just scared?
There’s a fine line between the two.

I’ve raised this subject more than once now and have used the word FEAR in many a sentence when describing epileptic episodes and the subconscious mind digesting what has just happened to us. I think when I describe my condition I initially think fear however should have actually used the word panic because usually my condition forces me to panic not to be fearful.

I would say it’s the not knowing where you’re episode is going or how you and you’re loved ones react that makes your mind work overdrive add that to you thinking about your condition 24/7 and there you have it explosions ahoy! It’s a vicious circle and one I can relate to.

To me fear is the feeling of losing someone I hold dear or losing my house that I’ve spent a great deal of time making a home or the fear that should I eventually fall pregnant in the near future that our baby will have to endure what I’ve faced for twenty years.

Although I am extremely proud of how I and everyone else cope with their Epilepsy that was me as a person and as a mother I question whether I would react differently. The latter is a possibility however something that enters my mind every now and again particularly now the word babies have been mentioned recently.

These are fears however they’re ones I cannot control therefore I have to tell myself that I just have to keep going and push through those barriers.

Although I haven’t been blogging I have been taking a little time out after work to catch up on my tweets and respond to you all. Your tweets have in fact kept me going over the past few days and raised my spirits following extreme bouts of tiredness and coffee overload. Merge medication side effects with caffeine and well.. I think we all know how that makes you feel. Lethargic, groggy and miserable.

Apologies if I haven’t been as speedy as I’d like to be however overtime isn’t usually on at work and Our sazzle here has not only got bills to pay but has her eyes on a pair of trousers and yet another pair of shoes therefore have had to take time out to focus on raking a little bit of dosh in.

Whilst I sit here listening to my IPod I refer back to my childhood and how for many years I’ve never thought I was worth it.

I used to think that believing you were “too good” would destine you for failure however sometimes a lot of self belief can spur you on and put you into situations you never thought were possible such as participating in a social event or a works presentation. It’s safe to say that we could do anything if we put our minds to it. It’s the self belief that truly matters.

Being diagnosed with Epilepsy was at first a humongous blow. The questions of “Why me” and “What’s going to happen now?” were one of many that would circulate round my mind.

I was always a girl who wanted to please and to be the best that she could be. Now I’m a girl who wants to try her best however knows that there’s always tomorrow. It’s not all about doing everything today.

It took a long time to get that girl back it’s only now that I’m starting to realise that life isn’t just about being extremely successful and raking in the pounds it’s the victories I have within myself in times of trouble that urge me to continue.

It’s the wanting to educate others about my thoughts and how when you get into that zone of positivity along with the knowing that you can make your life that little easier condition or not is most important to me.

I never thought for one second I would have had the opportunity to speak with other people in a similar position to myself on a daily basis and be able to fathom how and where my condition stands in my life.

It’s truly amazing to see that there are genuine advocates out there spreading epilepsy and anxiety awareness and taking time out in their lives to not hide but to embrace change and pass their experience onto others. These are the people that have given me the uplift that I need to assist you.

These are the people that make me see that come rain or shine we are all in this together and we stand united for a good cause and that’s to be each others guide in times of trouble therefore listen, ask questions and get support.

On a lighter note..

The healthy eating is going terrible. I’m eating healthy hearty meals however my chocolate intake is drifting back to the old me where I wouldn’t think twice about shovelling an entire bar of galaxy into my mouth and devouring it in 10 seconds flat.

Exercise wise that too is on the back burner until tomorrow where I intend to looking at the exercise DVD and actually do it. I must show myself that I need to get back into routine, get a good nights sleep and start doing things properly. The Sazzle fast food no go challenge is officially back on.

Weather wise it’s muggy. It’s what I would call a sticky heat where it’s not excessively hot however it’s the type of heat that makes you feel like you need to use a decent body scrub to get the dirt off you and tires you out easily. For recommendations of body scrubs get yourself onto QVCUK or US… Philosophy is a belter. Pricey but a belter.

To conclude today’s post. Everyone has fears and that’s perfectly normal. When it comes to you as a person write down what you want. Unfortunately you may not be able to eradicate every ounce of negativity however you can start by learning to accept who you are and what you want.

It’s the knowing that there’s people out there who are in the same boat as you that should make you realise that they too need that help. You’re doing great you just need to believe in yourself that bit more.

Pulling yourself back up, cloudy days and shoes galore.

The weekend is here. How long has this week been please? Is it me or has it gone so slow?

Today’s post has more swearing than usual so sorry folks. It’s all in jest though 🙂

The sun ISN’T out in the good old North East of England and I’m well miffed. Supposedly the weather forecast predicted that we would be having the sun cracking our pavements however I’ve been proven wrong. Everywhere else in the country seems to be basking in the sun however not for me this weekend I’m afraid, I’ll just have to stick with my new gradual glow to enhance the mini tan I already have.

Tonight’s quote has to be:

“The only person who can pull me down is myself and I’m not going to let myself be pulled down anymore”- C Joybell

This quote reassures me that although we all have tough times ahead I refuse to pull myself down when problems arise.

It’s understandable you’re going to have down days and that’s human nature.

When it comes to our condition our bodies take over and unfortunately without any prior warning we have episodes or moments of anxiety about what our condition can bring. As for the rest of our lives it’s all about trying to remain positive and doing what you can to assist yourself.

My interpretation of this evening’s quote is this.

Unfortunately we go through life and question our own authority on many occasion. We sit there questioning whether we’ve made the right decision, whether we could have done better or whether we’re destined for bigger things somewhere down the line. Either way we sit whether it be on our own or with others and analyse what could have been.

I think having a medical condition may make you question your actions more because you’re never fully in control. It’s safe to say that there’s this possibility that an episode will occur without us getting that warning sign therefore our minds go into overdrive and strike that analytical cord in our heads questioning our own judgement.

With me I’ve fallen into this category many a time wondering what’s round the corner and whether what I’m doing is going to benefit me or drag me down and by extension having an adverse effect on my health.

Unfortunately thinking this way is absolutely ludicrous. What’s the bloody point sitting there chewing your nails over something that you cannot remove from your life? Epilepsy is me I can either whinge about it, accept it or feel sorry for myself at every available opportunity. There’s no point in running usually it’s better to stand tall, face up to it and see how you get on.

Throughout my journey I have written scenarios about Epilepsy and dating, driving issues, medication concerns, worrying and anxious moments in which I’ve felt completely out of control.

What I have noticed whilst explaining my journey to you all is that writing it down makes me see how far we can all come. The writing itself is very therapeutic for me.

People may look upon others writing down their emotions as childish and wussy however if it’s going to allow you to remove that tension from your mind then whose business is it of theirs to judge you?

Everyone’s entitled to an opinion however if it isn’t constructive then they should leave their thoughts to themselves. If someone says something out of the ordinary don’t waste your time worrying like I have in the past, write it off as a bad job, ignore them and pat yourself on the back for what you’re doing to help yourself.

I’m not saying by any stretch of the imagination that I’m a saint or that I’m perfect it’s just that the more I write about my experiences the more it sinks in that after 20 years of living with Epilepsy has resulted to this.

When I mean this I mean acknowledging that I have a condition, accepting fault with myself, accepting that my condition will not define me and that I have a life to lead therefore I better stop kicking myself in the arse and go live it.

Today whilst out with dad on our usual Saturday mornings together we discussed briefly about the power of the mind and how at times it can play tricks on us all. One minute we’re full of beans laughing and joking like it’s nobody’s business without a care in the world the next minute the worry strikes and we’re a bag of nerves.

My dad and I have drawn the conclusion that life isn’t all about moonlight and roses. It’s about taking responsibility for the actions you can control but better still getting back up as quick as you’ve fallen.

My dad and I reminisce about our childhood memories and appreciating that we all have struggles. My dad is a person with integrity who when we talk about my condition has that look of concern in his eyes knowing that he cannot wave a magic wand and tell my body to grow out of my Epilepsy.

We do however try to make light of our problems and acknowledge that there’s people worse off than us therefore we have to be thankful for what we have right now.

What he does say and I will advise you of this is that on the days where you’re struggling focus on one thing that’ll keep your mind active whether you’ve got something planned over the weekend, whether you’ve got a delicious meal prepared for later on or something as simple as your other half making you a cup of tea on their return from work should be something that should bring you back to some form of normality.

Whatever that little excitement may be channel all your energy into this and see if this helps matters. If it doesn’t then ride the storm because you know eventually it’ll pass. Wise words from the old man I love him dearly as he has always had my interests to heart therefore I thought I’d pass his words onto you all.

As for the remainder of my day.

Shoes shoes and more shoes. For any males out there reading this this will sure as hell bore you senseless however needs must therefore ladies listen. If you live in the UK get yourself to River Island. Their sale is immense. Everywhere you go there’s sales on and I’m like a mad woman possessed with no cash to spend. Thank god I had a £20 voucher otherwise I would have gone mad.

As soon as I walked in there they were black and leopard skin flat pointy shoes.. I nearly shit myself when I saw the pricetag.. £5! Are you kidding me? A fiver? Right sold. You cannot get a decent sandwich and a bottle of coke of that. They had my name on it so I gave them the once over and started mooching some more funky shoes in hand.

Then my dad (the fashion guru he thinks he is) shouted ” Over here”

And there they were.

Some white shoes resembling brogues/looking like golf shoes/very feminine looking buckles on them and I was in love. I didn’t know what I was more impressed at the fact my dad had found a gorgeous pair of beauties or the price. £15 from £60! Woooo! £20 spent in 15 minutes. Get in there. I forgot all about the sun.

As for my Sazzle fast food no go challenge that I set myself well… It all went tits up about 2pm. I had a chocolate brownie and fish and chips for tea.

Shitty fuckity bollocks.. In my defence I exercised. That’s a poor excuse however tomorrow my meals are prepared and are written on my kitchen blackboard for the week.

Exercise wise I’m getting stronger. I’ve hung fire on the running on my Nike running app (free on iTunes) for the time being as it’s a little too much on the top of Kill Jill therefore I will resume tomorrow on the basis this headache goes.

To conclude today’s post. Our life is like the weather. One minute it’s glorious sunshine the next minute it’s blowing a gale and you’ve got your wellies on running for cover to get out of the rain.

Whatever the weather it’s all about acknowledging that we have to take ownership for what we want even though our restrictions can cause us to think harder from time to time. I love nothing more than to keep my mind active (hence the shopping) however writing down your feelings can get off your chest the worries the day has already brought.

What I would advise is this. Always remember that it takes more of a person to pull themselves up than to stay down defeated. Be elated not deflated and always stay true to you. Although you feel that struggles break you they can in fact make you therefore wash away the sorrow and think about tomorrow.

PS: Am I a poet and don’t know it? I’ve just rattled that off the top of my head. Right I’m acting like a tool therefore I’m off. Glass of wine time. Have a great weekend xx

Don’t be afraid to share.

“There is no greater agony that bearing an untold story inside you”- Maya Angelou

This quote is a prime example of feeling doubtful. Usually in times of crisis we can sink or we can swim, the same rules apply here. The quote above is a clear indicator that everyone is different. You may find that people fall into categories such as the bubbly category, the analytical category, the un-phased category or the category where you feel like you can do nothing right.

Whatever category you fall into ask yourself why you fall into that category.

A couple of questions for you.

To form your answer have you decided that this is the person you are or have people over the years formed a picture of who they interpret you to be resulting in you believing in them and not yourself?

These questions are valuable in the self belief process and are in my opinion some of the questions we may have to face before introducing change into our schedule particularly when we have other things to consider such as our emotional state or our medication regime.

For years people have said that “I go to the far ends of a fart” with certain things such as organising days out, wanting to make sure everyone’s involved and to ensure that I don’t offend anyone in the process.

As much as the people reading this may think “Ooo that’s not too bad, you’re only trying your best” what they fail to see is the true meaning behind the scenario I’ve just explained.

Since starting school I got into the habit of wanting to please everybody, being worried that I didn’t have sufficient friends and that Saz would be alone.

I was never one of these bolshy girls who would act like a complete bitch to get what she wanted. I was a girl who wanted to be heard however would refrain from totally letting herself go.

I would say that a large percentage of this self doubt was due to my Epilepsy because I never knew what was round the corner therefore felt that by letting go could do more harm than good. Let just say I had moments where I was subdued instead of just being a kid.

As the years are passing by I’m starting to accept that I cannot change the past. The past is done and dusted. I can sit here now on my sofa writing about past experiences possibly wishing that these events could have been re-written however they can’t be therefore ask yourself this what’s the point in worrying?

When it comes to our condition there’s questions that may never be answered.

There’s issues that you feel are private therefore you hang fire and keep these worries to yourself. I’m not going to sit here today and tell you what personality you should have because you already answered that question earlier on. We are never going to be the same. Our actions may change however if they don’t you shouldn’t be penalised for that.

I’m a great believer of getting everything out in the open because bottling it up will achieve nothing. If you have a ton of shit on your shoulders or whizzing round in your mind the not opening up can be more detrimental to your health by being closeted and saying nothing. As I say each to their own.

If you want to discuss anything then open up to your support network you don’t have to worry about family or friends’ perception of your problem therefore open up to someone outside of the box. You may be presently surprised with the outcome.

I’ve said on many occasion if we were all the same then life would be pretty boring, you would be like a sheep in the same herd all walking in the same direction. There would be no variation, there would be no change to your conversation and everyone would be agreeing with one another to keep the peace. Is this what you want? Do you want to be heard but in the correct manner? Do what you feel is right.

About the past 24 hours.

Lately I’ve been chosen to get involved with assisting children and teaching them life skills. When I say life skills I mean the going to work, the determination to want to succeed and be independent and to get out of the benefit culture we live in.

It’s all about giving children a foundation to build and to see what would they would prefer to do with their own lives. This falls in quite nicely with the question I asked you all earlier. Do they choose to sink or swim?

Initially I thought I wouldn’t be the right person for the job, my self doubt crept in slightly however after recognition from my family and friends I’ve realised that I too can don my bright coloured jeggings and converse pumps to be down with the kids. After all we were all children once needing direction therefore I owe it to them to assist when I can and to volunteer offering my services as and when required.

As for the remainder of yesterday.

Exercise tick, healthy eating (bar a milky way) tick, feeling pretty good about myself because my tan’s developing tick. Weather’s downright gorgeous- I’d say that’s a full house.

Other news. I’m skint.. as ever! I purchased my decleor gradual glow body moisturiser with a self tanning agent in it (couldn’t resist) and I cannot wait to try it. I have a base to work with therefore fingers crossed I won’t be going all patchy.

I also tripped today on my way into the house and make a complete berk of myself. Isn’t it just crap when that happens? You’ve got your keys in one hand, your mobile phone in another and before you know it you’ve tripped over the step stubbed your toe and let out a massive “Eeeee” whilst getting into the house. Goon.

To top it all off the neighbour saw and started chuckling to himself. One part of me wanted to shout “Have you never fell into your house before like?” however didn’t. I refrained, had a laugh with him before consoling myself with a cup of tea. The joys of life eh?

To conclude today’s post. Don’t be afraid to share. Do as my gran would say be a leader and not a follower. Followers can have restrictions leaders don’t. Do what’s right for you and share what you feel would be beneficial for both yourself and others.

People frown upon sharing thinking it’s too corny however when it comes to you as a person you have to decide what you want, to hell with everyone else. In my opinion asking for help is far more sensible than going it alone. You never know what’ll happen if you just share.

We can’t shine without darkness.

The purpose of this evening’s post is to make everyone see that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to want more for ourselves, to become driven and to ensure that we prioritise our lives correctly.

Whilst flicking through a fistful of quotes tonight I stumbled across the following:

“Stars can’t shine without darkness”

And you know what they can’t. I think I may interpret this quote in a funny kind of way. As corny as it may seem to see that we’re all stars wouldn’t be farther from the truth because we all have our story to share and our experiences to pass onto others.

Since writing this blog I’ve become to feel more confident in myself and the people I’ve had the opportunity to speak to. Lately myself along with a couple of relatively new followers have decided to talk more in depth about our condition and to refresh ourselves with the importance of raising Epilepsy awareness whether this be through humour, exercise, music or just general positivity to help each other along.

For the past few days my headaches have been interfering with my daily pattern coming possibly every couple of hours. Sitting in the sun hasn’t entirely helped however it’s very rare that we see glimpses of sun in the North East of England therefore decided it was only best to retreat outdoors.

Whilst lying in my back garden over the weekend I’ve been thinking of the honourable people out there who listen, who educate and who offer those words of advice in times of sorrow.

It’s those very people who make me proud, it’s th same people who know exactly who they are and what they represent.

In previous posts I’ve called upon my family, friends and support networks to get me through my times of need.

When I was confused about my seizures they were there, when I couldn’t quite fathom why my seizures had returned again they were there. It’s safe to say that I am indebted to all those people who have tried their utmost to make my life easier and to take the strain off my shoulders.

The people who I personally find get me through days of worry just so happen to be my family.

The people who I am reaching out to tonight to offer a massive thanks just so happen to be our parents, our guardians and our partners because our condition effects them also. It’s safe to say that they make us see there is light at the end of a long tunnel. So thank you.

Since writing my blog I have spoken with a half a dozen mothers/fathers who are experiencing the difficulties their children face and want to guide their children in a place they can both understand and are comfortable discussing.

I remember at the age of 8 my parents and I were oblivious as to what Epilepsy was. Convulsing became a regular thing and my mam in particular was on constant alert.

Every jerk, every clatter, every groan my mam was there questioning asking me constantly whether I was ok. My mam didn’t mean any harm, she wasn’t being interfering she was just being my mam. She was looking out for her daughter as any parent would their own and I’ve always loved her for that.

It’s probably safe to say most parents reading this would do the same for their children.

Coming to terms with the fact that their child has a condition you cannot control must be scary however being the rock that your children can go to in my opinion is without doubt the most comforting thing any parent can do. We mightn’t say thank you when we’re feeling down however we still love you. The just listening is enough and will never go un-noticed.

To witness anyone having a seizure can be very distressing however to watch your child/partner go through it must be worst still particularly when neither of you have any understanding as to why they’re there in the first place.

From those who have read my blog from the beginning will realise that my family and I aren’t any normal family. In fact we are a right bunch of goons joking on like best friends!

My parents separated at an early age met new people however still come together for a chinwag and a morning cuppa every Saturday. My parents and I look at one another as a happy family, not one divided but one united for the good of one another.

Arguing over the past or dwelling on what could have been is something we refuse to do therefore we come together and enjoy each others company. This has been the same since I was four years old and to be honest I wouldn’t change the dynamics of our relationship for the world.

Growing up all I envisaged was a young girl living her life without worry or suppressing anger. Although my parents educated me the best they could regularly in my mind (after a seizure) my room would feel like it was full of darkness. There didn’t appear to be any light and as for me shining well I never thought that this would happen in a million years what with all the testing and medication taking.

Fast forward twenty years and you have someone who can see light in front of her. I’m still getting there however I refuse to back down. I would say since having this condition my emotions have been all over the place however if I never had it what sort of a person would I be?

You can never pinpoint the way you’re day’s going to go, the knockbacks you may face or the successes you thought were never possible however taking each day as it comes should be something you make a priority along with your health and happiness. Sitting on the fence shouldn’t be an option because all you look like is some individual sitting on a fence.

We should be allowed to shine however only you can through belief make yourself shine by facing up to your worries, accepting your condition and bringing everything you want and love (along with your condition because it’s a part of you) and putting it into the one box. Refocus your mind and see what happens.

Ask yourself is this something you can do, is this something that can be achievable? I believe in you so why don’t you give it a try? If all else fails then try another time.

As for today’s event’s off I toddled to work this morning falling over my feet as I walked in because I was that tired. My top was on back to front (that I had to reassemble in the toilets) and I looked like a frigging panda all baggy eyed. I was armed with paracetemols for my headaches, SPF15 and a muller yoghurt (along with my lunch of course).

Food wise my meals have been quite good cereal for breakfast with a morning cuppa, tuna pasta for lunch, fruit and a half a dozen glasses of water. For tea well.. I had a toby carvery.

I caved in to a little mashed potato however ate all veg, white meat and I didn’t have a (duh duh duh moment).. Yorkshire pud.

What? No Yorkshire pud you say? Well I was trying to be healthy. It killed me however I did it and you all know fine well how I like my Yorkie Puds.

Exercise wise once the food has settled I’m gonna give that a try. I’ve got the rest of my Kill Jill to do along with a little bit of Nike running. My pals and I on twitter are gonna give this a try.

One of my pals said keep fit to prevent a fit. I thought that was a very good quote therefore I thought I would give this one a bash. After all I need to keep my mind active and tone up this wobbly arse!

To conclude today’s post. Shine as bright as you can. Never live in a world of darkness because living in a world of darkness can lead to fear and doubt.

Instead of accepting defeat smile in the face of danger, give yourself a pat on the back and stop being so harsh on yourself. I say this with the greatest intentions and know that you are stronger than what you think you are. Having a condition is difficult and overcoming anxiety is hard however we will all get there, me included. I promise.

Living in the present moment.

“Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path to joy”- Sarah Ban Breathnach.

Living in the present moment should be something we do every day however we (me included) seem to get into the habit of allowing our minds to either drift either side of the present. In my case it’s the past. This in itself can cause a mixed bag of emotions and can result in you possibly feeling one of two things. Empowered or overwhelmed.

If you are already in the middle of a goal you’ve set yourself and can see the destination merely in the distance then you may look at your past as your motivation to get you to the finish line.

On the other hand constantly reminiscing about past issues can leave you feeling bitter and have a knock on effect on your self esteem forcing you to not go down that road again out of fear that you may be hurt again. We are all different.

From people I’ve spoken to since launching my blog their motivation spurs me on. Their want for success, for better health and for general happiness should be an inspiration to us all.

Lately I haven’t been sleeping as good as I usually do thus leaving my mind to work overtime.

Although I would like to think of myself as being an optimist I have to admit that there’s many a time where I’ve sat there alone deep in thought full of hell about experiences that happened years ago whilst questioning why I still allow myself to get chewed about something that should be forgotten about. Maybe it’s human nature to have these flurries of past torture however is it really necessary? Of course not.

Like Sarah says above in her quote how can we ever be joyful and satisfied if we aren’t living in the present moment?

From having endless conversations with my relatives I’ve grown to understand that time doesn’t stand still and that sitting there feeling like a victim doesn’t actually achieve anything. It just makes you feel worse.

This may seem repetitive me constantly writing about acceptance and feeling better about yourself however sometimes just saying something once doesn’t necessarily sink in. It may just come across as a throw away statement however I do genuinely believe that this can be achieved in time.

Having Epilepsy or suffering from anxiety as a result of your condition can at times make you feel like a victim. It’s like you’re trying to cocoon yourself to prevent being hurt however something happens that can get in the way of you feeling positive. With myself if it wasn’t the seizures or the shaky bouts it was the headaches, the demotivation, the feeling of never being good enough and wondering when and where the next episode would hit.

Don’t get me wrong at present everything excluding the seizures still remain (not as much as it once did) however I’m trying my utmost to stay on top of these side effects by doing exercise, resting when required, blogging, and just trying to overcome the monotony of this pattern.

Ask yourself where you are right now. Are you living for the present moment, living in the past or planning your future too much? Why don’t you look at what you’d like your future to be, strive for what you want however focus on what’s right in front of you now. You never know what’s round the corner therefore live for the present before it passes you by.

When I say live for the present I mean take on board what you want your present to be.

Instead of having that feeling of worthlessness concentrate on the good points and what you bring to the table.

Are you someone who likes to help others? Then go help. Do you like writing/reading? Then why not make it a hobby of yours. The possibilities are endless even if it your hobby may look a little silly to others.

I think when it comes to our condition we tend to think about the things we would prefer not to do such as taking medication, the wanting to drive, the worries about having children and the adjusting our lifestyles accordingly.

I think what therapy has taught me along with many discussions I’ve had with all of you is that Epilepsy is an on-going battle however spreading awareness can make us see how far we’ve come, how much we are prepared to spread the word and how as united as we are. I can also see that we are prepared to educate others about Epilepsy awareness through social media whilst trying to break the stigma and having a laugh in the process.

As for the remainder of the day well…

My tan is coming along nicely. The red glow is still there however I sense a sigh of relief as the glow is going a light shade of tan. Woooooo!! One to me! Usually I burn.

As for the rest of the day my day started very early 4.30am to be precise. Off my husband and I toddled to a very early car boot sale to get rid of the rubbish in our garage. The aim was to make £60 over four hours.

We broke the bank at £80 and I was overjoyed. As we are off to Liverpool for the night mid September I thought this would contribute towards our hotel instead of the dress that I had my eyes on… Don’t know where sensible Saz appeared from. I blame the sun.

No exercise was completed today because my knee has been rather sore therefore to prevent injury I thought I would hang fire and see how I am tomorrow. Again Sensible Saz.. what’s happening to me?

Food wise the only sweet treat I had was a white chocolate magnum. The ice creams (cornets we say up here in the north) were bloody huge and looked far more calorific than a magnum therefore I bought the magnum. As for my choices these have ranged from Shreddies, rice noodles with chicken and a small piece of quiche with salad.. (well the quiche might be a bit fattier) it was either that or a corned beef pie with chips… mmm… corned beef pie.

The afternoon has been family time in which me, my husband, brother and sister in law and nephew went to the park. As the weather has been gorgeous for over a week now I thought I’d flash my legs very slightly and wear a skirt. Arms are getting browner, legs are as pastey as ever. You win some, you lose some eh? Roll on my gradual glow I’m getting next week. No more pastey legs!

To conclude today’s post. Don’t go dwelling because you just end up getting upset. Live for the now and hopefully the joy will come. Gravitate towards what’s most important and leave the rest alone. That’s my word of advice for the day.

Musical lyrics, sunshine and knowing change is here already.

Tonight’s post is a relatively quick one everyone.. yeah right says she who tends to write an essay every time she writes. For those who don’t know me by now should be aware that I write the way I feel. I cut the crap and try to say it like it is.

Whilst I type I’ve got Nicholas Cage in Ghost Rider. This film is an absolute turkey!

I’ve only watched five minutes and judging by his acting I have no desire to watch this film. Apart from him in Face Off I’ve thought the remainder of his films are extremely poor. Much prefer films that have De Niro or Pacino in.

I’m more of a thriller sort of girl that all slush. Don’t get me wrong I like the idea of being in love however too much slush sends me to sleep therefore give me Casino or Goodfellas anyday.

Instead of using a quote I thought I would spice it up a tad and use a lyric instead:

” We are shining and we will never be afraid again”- Florence and the Machine.

I absolutely love Florence and the Machine. Better still I love dancing to Florence and the Machine amongst others. My eyes tend to travel across the TV screen when I watch Florence sing and glide across the stage. Her voice is so enchanting and makes me eager to listen to more.

This evening I decided to use this quote because I think we should all be shining not hiding away wondering when the next episode is going to hit us. The previous post I’d written was about embracing change, was to focus on what was important and making you a priority. It was about breaking old habits and taking your time.

I have interpreted this lyric possibly in a different sense to others reading this. I look at it as life changing and instead of being afraid at what life has to offer try to go out there and show the world what you’re made of. I’ve always been a great believer in striving for more however I’ve found that sometimes striving too hard appears to land me in hot water with me either getting frustrated or adding to the daily stresses life can bring.

It’s about breaking the cycle, staying determined and achieving what you can however understanding that at times pushing too hard can have an adverse effect on your health.

A question for you all. Have you ever felt like the whole world is caving in on you and you’re uncertain why? Have you ever wanted to sit in a corner and cry on the hope you’re worries will go away? I did many a time when I was diagnosed.

After having seizures when I was younger and them returning in my late teens I thought about giving up and would sit in my bedroom questioning why they had returned. Was it because I was a failure for returning or was it because I had been seizure free for so long and it wanted to come back with a bang to show it was still in my life?

To this day I still don’t know. More importantly do I want to know after so many years have passed? Possibly not.

For years I looked for answers to these questions however at present I’m accepting that I may never find the answer. Sometimes looking for an answer can cause more stress than what you initially thought.

In all stressful situations our patience will be tested and at times we will feel like we are sinking however sometimes we need to briefly evaluate what we want, how we can help ourselves and not be afraid to open up. Just because you have anxiety, epilepsy or an underlying condition doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be heard.

In my case I was a girl with Epilepsy not someone with a large piece of tape over my mouth. Originally I was thinking it was others silencing me however the only person who was putting silencing herself was me. It wasn’t anyone else.

I would speak about my Epilepsy however didn’t want the talking about it to be my be all and end all. I wanted to be able to show that I was trying to cope with my condition however wanted to prove to myself that I could have a life also.

What is evident to me now is that I was ashamed of my condition and all the side effects my medication would bring. Now I’m prepared to open up and reveal to myself that my condition won’t define me, it just makes me a stronger person as I have to think before I act incase I have that setback.

This is what I would like to educate to others. I’ve said numerous times life is about the living. Within reason (seizures permitting) live your life the way you want.

I understand it’s extremely difficult because there is the downside of the fear of the unknown however what we should be doing is removing the fear and leaving the unknown because if an episodes going to come it’s going to come whether we eliminate the fear or not. This is what I’m trying to teach myself and if you feel you’re up to thinking the same way then come join me and let’s have a chat.

As for the past 24 hours it’s been quite relaxing actually.

Yesterday was about dining with my pal for an Italian and a chinwag before returning home to catch up on this years Big Brother. Thank god Wolfy went what a strange girl. I liked her bolshiness at times however that spitting was disgusting making me want to vom everytime.

As for today the sun has been shining, it’s been scorching and I’ve loved it. Off my husband and I travelled to the in laws for a cuppa and a natter along with pinching a paste table before returning home for a quick tidy round and a well deserved sit in the garden.

I’ve never known a summer to be this glorious since I was about 14 (oh dear). My husband and I are donning a rosy glow and I’m hoping this turns brown instead of peeling. Fingers crossed.

Apart from a kit kat my diet has been going ok. There’s room for improvement therefore I’m persevering with my challenge knowing that this should hopefully change for the better.

As for my exercise regime I pushed myself this morning to level 3 of Kill Jill’s 30 day shred. My legs are wobbly however I’m hoping Saz Fonda may be on her way back so if you see me wearing lycra turn and run! This isn’t a good look! I can see my body getting stronger that long may this continue.

To conclude today’s post. We are shining and we will never be afraid again. Do a Florence. Shine like the brightest star and do it with class. Sing it like you mean it and know that you deserve all the happiness in the world. Break the stigma and keep going. I know you can do it. Better still let’s do this together.

PS: See I wrote another essay. Told you x

The turning point.

Good evening everyone.

Hope you’re all well and overly excited at the prospect that our Summer is actually kicking off here in the UK and that we eventually have a little bit of nice weather. Although the weather is rather superlative the heat can be unbearable and at times force you to retreat indoors even though you want so desperately to stay outside. Nevermind at least the sun’s out eh?

I’m just going to jump straight in with a quote about this evening’s topic.. the turning point.

“You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do”- Henry Ford.

To summarise It’s the doing that matters, it’s the doing that gets you noticed and it’s the doing that makes you feel pretty damn good about yourself in testing times. Sometimes people come out with the expression

“Life is one big mind game”

But is it really? Is it not just our mind questioning why we’re thinking a specific way, not the

“If I chose to think about this logically this would happen”.

Is that not the better solution? Logic should come into the majority of tasks we do however on occasion we are impulsive making irrational decisions about our relationships, our weight, our occupation, our finances but most importantly our health.

Now over the course of the past few days I have watched my health do it’s usual. Shaking, headaches, excessive tiredness then not actually sleeping and the odd bout of doubtfulness. On the flip side there’s this part of me that wants to go full pelt at the exercise regime, eat as healthy as possible and think stuff the routine I’ll do what the hell I like. To think this way is normal for some however I want to get out of this habit.

Part of me is half way there the other half is thinking that this could be pushed further because I should know that if I want to persue something then only I can push myself.

I can associate with the quote of the day in which I think about my reputation.

When people say the word “reputation” usually the first thing that comes to my mind is the negative side of someone’s reputation that can consist of them being an absolute twat possibly cheating on their partner, thinking they’re the big cheese, attitude’s all wrong and just acting downright nasty.

What I want isn’t the reputation that’ll turn people away like I’ve got a bad smell but the reputation to be noticed for all the right reasons.

What I’m saying here is that for years all I’ve done is bounce forward, back, to the sides without actually knowing why I’m bouncing. It’s the constant questioning about where my life is going that’s preventing me from living my life.

Although I’m on the right track on down days I have a tendency of over evaluating my day before long it’s the week, then it’s the month then before I know it it’s my entire life. I’d like to call this the “tallying up effect” in which I will see one problem and before I know it it’s escalated into a whole barrel of nothing with only me suffering.

To my knowledge I was never this way pre diagnosis I think old habits come and bite you on the arse every now and again for all the wrong reasons therefore the intention is to hopefully push this revolving mind destruction to one side and focus on the day’s when I am well, when I’m not shaking, when I’m not feeling like a loser.

What I would advise is look at how far you’ve come? Are you someone whose seizures have reduced slightly? Are you someone who has lost a lot of weight? Are you getting noticed at work or have you started a new relationship? Whatever the outcome this is building a reputation for all the right reasons.

Compared to when I was younger I’d like to think that I have more knowledge now of what my condition brings to the fore.

Since writing this blog I’ve encouraged people to try their utmost to accept themselves because if you’re not prepared to cut to the chase and try to accept what you have then what’s the point? Life is a testing experience and something that doesn’t always necessarily go your way. I never thought for one second that I would be sitting here managing to write this let alone have the people around me that I do.

In times of repetitive shaking I thought that this was it, that I would no longer be able to work and that my whole world would come caving in. With people who are unable to work because of their condition my heart goes out to them however they wouldn’t want my sympathy because they too have accepted that their Epilepsy is a part of their life and feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to make it go away.

In time people try to adapt to their circumstances and move on. Ask yourself this Why wait for something that may never change?

Before writing this blog I questioned myself and thought the best policy would be to not concentrate on horrendous occasions but to try and motivate myself and others by being true, honest, explaining my situation to enable me to help. Instead of feeling blue I’ve utilised the information given from colleagues, family, friends, therapists and online buddies to acknowledge what was good about my life and where I want to go. Low and behold I’m getting there slowly but surely. Instead of worrying about everyone else I now think.

“Fuck it, enough’s enough. Are people worrying about me? Course not they’re out there living their lives”

And so should I. So should you for that matter. You’re not defined by your condition you’re defined by yourself and this should be your turning point, the turning point to pass onto others. What I can’t discourage is that my Epilepsy may always be there, I’ve lived with it every day in some way, shape or form for over twenty years.

Why should I concentrate on another twenty years on uncertainty and worry about it when I can have twenty years of being who I want to be happy, content, carefree and just rolling with whatever punches may come my way.

People may feel that this is the wrong attitude to take however I know worrying isn’t getting me anywhere therefore I continue to take this alternate approach. Stop fearing who you are and start smiling at what you can achieve.

As for the past 24 hours I’ve been exercising, eating relatively healthy (old habits are dying hard on the Sazzle fast food no go challenge- biscuits have been eaten) and have been visiting relatives.

It’s so difficult to eat healthy and not snack. It’s the not snacking that’s the hardest however I will persevere and plod on. Apart from that it’s Friday tomorrow so roll on the relaxing time.. sitting in the sun and just chilling to my heart’s content.

To conclude today’s post. Today’s quote pretty much says it all. Having the right reputation can steer you in the right direction. You’re going to get problems along the way however it’d be pretty boring if everything was plain sailing wouldn’t it? Embrace change, try to move forward and sit there smiling instead of frowning.

This may be easy to say from someone who’s been seizure free for a few years however I know how worry can effect you and I know how worrying can change the dynamics of things. If we all stand tall, refuse to be defeated and roll with the times then we may all be happier people. It could be the turning point for us all.