Taking a back seat… that and the miserable locksmith.

A late post tonight everyone.

The past 24 hours have consisted of going to my grandmothers for our weekly chats about the economic climate and her getting herself irate at the idea that she “Likes watching the news however is incensed by the way the country’s run” and me sitting there joining in when I get the chance. This makes a change because the remainder of my day it’s usually me who’s talking about a load of old bollocks.

I poke fun at my gran for being old school however deep down thoroughly enjoy her company. She is the last remaining grandparent of mine and one who has been there, done it and worn the T Shirt god knows how many times. I love her and she makes me smile.

Yesterday was also a day where the lock in my back door needed altering because the sodding thing was jammed. Another £107 down the drain. If you add this to the cat shenanigans on Tuesday this would mean that come last night I had spent £156 in 24 hours pretty good eh? Not really. My bank balance was shouting at me to stop spending and I could hardly tell it that I wasn’t spending it on clothes. Roll on payday tomorrow I literally cannot wait.

That locksmith had no banter and trying to establish what the problem was was like pulling teeth. This fella was just plain miserable.

This evening when I returned home I was told by my husband that he’d noticed a chunk taken out of our back door where the bugger dropped his crowbar to get the thing opened.

If I knew then what I know now I would have thrown my shoe at him.

How dare he? You’ve charged me bloody £107, taken a mechanism out of the door and to top it all off you’ve taken a chunk out of my door? My husband complained before I returned home to be told that our complaint will be “Escalated” which means that it’ll either get thrown in the bin or on the other hand the fella will say that the hole was already there and that’ll mean it’s our word against his. Typical. Never mind will keep you updated on that one.

Right enough of me whinging let’s crack on with tonight’s post and a quote for that matter.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts”- Winston Churchill

I have to admit I like Winston Churchill’s quotes. He just says it as it is. Sometimes wanting too much success can get in your way and cloud your judgement. Sometimes being successful counteracts the more important things in life such as health and happiness. Feeling like a failure is something you shouldn’t punish yourself for.

Look at yourself as making a mistake, noticing where you went wrong and moving on from it. In the grand scheme of things what else can you do? You cannot turn back the clock therefore accept a mistake has been made and move on, never sweep it under the carpet because the dust reappears when you least expect it. The same rules applied with me and the Epilepsy.

Taking medication for me initially was something I found rather difficult, pardon the pun but it was quite a bitter pill to swallow and one that I couldn’t appreciate was helping my condition not just being a nuisance. Today taking medication is like putting on my clothes for work or making my usual morning cuppa.

Medication is like routine and one that has become a way of life. I appreciate like all of you medication can make you question why all this is necessary particularly when you’re still having episodes. The way I see it is that it’s all trial and error. Some have been on various medications. If you’re like me I’ve only been on three Epilim (when I was younger), Lamotrogine and Keppra.

This evening I received a tweet from a friend of mine who published a post about her journey with Keppra. Not only did I find the post extremely interesting but useful also. Keppra has been a drug I’ve taken now for nearly ten years. My dosage increased to nearly 3000mg at one stage when the seizures returned in my late teens. Now I’m on a reduced amount of 1250mg. The lamotrogine has been stopped and the Keppra is the only tablets I now take.

In me the side effects with Keppra usually consist of my shakes, tiredness, worry, lack of motivation, anger, paranoia, irritability etc.

I couldn’t believe that yet another person was experiencing similar side effects and like me is trying her utmost to cope with these effects because she is aware that the medication is keeping her condition relatively stable. Unfortunately Keppra isn’t everyone’s cup of tea with them being removed from it after a matter of weeks. Unfortunately everyone’s body’s are different.

This is the thing with Epilepsy. I’ve said it numerous times that it’s not just about the seizures or the medication it’s the side effects, the worries and the fear of the unknown. It’s the moment when you feel a little iffy and pray that something isn’t going to happen. It’s the getting back on the horse that’s most important.

It’s the trying to keep the apprehension to the bare minimum and knowing that by not looking after yourself can jeopardise the effectiveness of the medication.

I was relieved to have come onto twitter and have identified others who are experiencing the same effects and still coping. Not in her exact words but my pal explained that being optimistic about your medication could well be the coping mechanism to enable you to accept the drug you’re on.

I now know that if Keppra and I are going to be in each others lives then we must try to get on, for my sake at least.

Since Tuesday evening (I know it’s only Thursday) I made it a priority to stick to small achievable goals to alleviate any potential stress and to aid my condition. So far I haven’t done that bad with my partner noticing a slight difference.

After being told that the locksmith had put a hole through my door I remained relatively calm however was far from happy at the incident.

Part of my plan is that I intend to write my blog only four times a week now (apologies folks) instead of committing every single night and utilising that free time with exercise and relaxation. So far it’s going good. By taking that back seat will ensure that I’m feeling relaxed and hoping that this will translate into a more carefree life. Will this carefreeness (if that’s even a word) help reduce my shakes? I truly hope so.

With regards to the healthy eating that’s going ok however the chocolate is still an issue. I’m not eating a vast amount however eating two alpen bars is canny however doesn’t give you the satisfaction a galaxy can. I’ve put a post it note on the fridge to help me with this quest of beating the sweet tooth and feeling great. So far the post it note is doing jack shit however I intend to use this method later on.

As for the exercise no Kill Jill this evening. I completed level three of her 30 day shred last night. I jumped in full steam ahead, completed it but knew she meant business when she said “Once you’ve done this you’ll feel like you’re going to die”… and rightly so. I was panting like a dog lying in the sunshine.

The workout was hard and thank god the blinds were drawn. My legs were aching, my bum was pulsating because of the squat jumps and it was safe to say that my body wanted me back down to level two.

I felt exhilarated a couple of hours later after achieving this monstrous task however knew that in order to feel better in my straight jeans I must exercise like never before and that I’ll continue to do… Next workout… Saturday night after I’ve completed my fashion show on Saturday afternoon. Oh did I forget to mention that? I’ll write about that on Saturday!! Fingers crossed.

To conclude today’s post. Take each day as it comes. It’s great to be driven however sometimes you need to take a back seat to maintain that focus, to see what’s most important in your life and to see what’ll stand the test of time. Keep going because if you’re happy with yourself then the rest should hopefully follow.

I can’t help myself.

Hiya everyone a quick blog post from me tonight.

Tonight’s post is all about seeking your opinion as the reader and seeing whether you are all similar to the way I am. I’m writing this with a stonking headache and knowing that deep down I should jack in the exercise and overthinking because I’m physically shattered however there is this part of my mind that for whatever reason won’t let go.

Earlier I said I wouldn’t blog because I was going to lie down however I just cannot rest. My minds working overtime and for no reason whatsoever.

I’m feeling groggy, picking fault with myself, not eating the chocolate however thinking my hips look larger than normal. Overall this evening has been a bit of a right off. The only good thing to come from it was the clothes I’ve been eying up in my look magazine that I can hint at the parents for my birthday next week.

This evening’s behaviour is what I’d like to call the obsessive Saz. The Saz who offers advice as to love yourself however has days where she cannot help herself, where she nit picks at herself and who cannot just take those baby steps to achieve the little things. She has to pile the pressure on to the point where she doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. Do you all get that feeling?

When I was diagnosed with Epilepsy I felt at the tender age of 8 of having to prove to everyone that I could do it. Do what exactly? Deep down I didn’t know what. All I knew was that I had to supersede my own expectations and do it the only way I knew how… to pile the pressure on myself to the point where I’d wanna let off steam then feel shit afterwards because I looked like a complete tool ranting and raving for no reason whatsoever.

Tonight I sought advice from my other half about this issue and asked how I could help myself. Today has been a day of returning back to work after a long weekend, getting my head down and going through the motions. Towards the end of the day my head was in the clouds and I was panicking at the fact that we had to travel to the vets nearby to get the cat’s neck checked out. Our Benny’s neck appears to have a slight infection as a result of an old cat wound. It’s not effecting him however we know it’s there and has no signs of fading.

The appointment was booked. Within minutes of finding out the panic crept in. Whizzing round my head was how are we going to get the cat into his travel case and will he be crying the whole way there? How much is this going to set me back (£49 to be precise for a week’s worth of antibiotics) and how am I going to react. Not long after thinking this I then started questioning when I was going to get my exercise in, what we were going to have for dinner and whether I’d have sufficient time to write my blog.

What the fuck was the matter with me? What’s with all the panic? I couldn’t see straight and I was freaking out. What the bloody hell for?

Before I knew it I burst into tears and couldn’t comprehend why. Do any of you feel the same as me in times like this?

Initially I started getting deja vu on the wardrobe malfunction last month however realised that I had come a long way since then and should have seen sense.

After sitting with my other half, grabbing a cuppa and having a good talking to I started to see that all this wasn’t worth it. I was told to read through my own previous posts and words of encouragement and to see that taking baby steps will ensure that your daily goals are met without the worry of not achieving them. To give myself that time to relax will enable me to progress and to realise that Rome wasn’t build in a day will too give me the strength to continue.

For as long as I remember I have had flutters of panic. I can sit here and blame my anti-epileptic drugs however know that it’s not entirely their fault. Maybe it’s just years of second guessing has worn me out. Who knows? All I know now is that I cannot put my lap top down and stop writing. I need to get these thoughts of my chest and release the tension.

At times like these there are the slight moments of insecurity where I build a picture that hasn’t even formed yet. All I see is an outline and are straining to find the colour to finish it off.

Instead of counting my blessings I run before I can walk and add things up. What turned into something trivial turns into a tirade of concern. To think I was thinking about the vets. Before I knew it my life was banged to rights.

A couple of questions for you.

Do any of you know the reason why our minds behave in this fashion and if so why? Do you set yourself reminders and stick to them or do you feel that your day takes a different turn?

“Part of the happiness of life is not fighting battles but in avoiding them”- Norman Peale.

And I’m thinking. I’m thinking long and hard about that quote and are thinking that like others I’ve fought a battle all my life. A battle with myself that I’m sick and tired of doing. Confrontation at times is necessary, motivation drives you on and achieving those goals can be recognised however at what cost? I think you have to have a happy medium. None should be more important than another.

To conclude today’s post.

Following this evening’s questioning is that breaking routine is hard but crucial at times. Sod the pattern just do your best and that’s what I intend to do. Instead of putting all your eggs into one basket and worrying about falling over and breaking them all set yourself mini goals such as just walking the dog or coming home from work and JUST doing your exercise regime.Leave the remaining tasks for the following day.

In relation to the remaining tasks. Are they going anywhere? No they aren’t therefore why worry?

By changing this pattern can leave you feeling happy and not worthless inside. Maybe it’s about time I took my own advice and the advice from others. Maybe it’s about time I stopped acting stubborn and listened for a change, maybe then I may be able to help myself because I’m not that bad after all.

Family fun, painting fences and seeking advice.

“Being a family means you are part of something very wonderful. It means you will love and be loved for the rest of your life. No matter what”

This bank holiday weekend has been one of the nicest and most chilled bank holiday weekends I’ve ever had.

My husbands birthday falls on the second May bank holiday and it’s always one where the sun’s shining, the birds are chirping and one of us gets sunburnt. Unfortunately we are both quite fair (me in particular) therefore the trophy goes to me this time round. I am burnt to a crisp.

I can safely say that I wasn’t sensible at all, wore a low SPF (usually have to use a minimum of SPF30) and didn’t rub it in properly. Only one conclusion can be drawn from that.. Burnt shoulders, back and a little on my arms. To hell with my cooker, the heat coming off my back could easily cook an egg. Never mind I’m back to being sensible now the sun’s gone in!

The remainder of the weekend’s festivities will me mentioned later on.

The quote above about family is something I hold dear. Family to me are the be all and end all. They give me the strength when I’m down, they praise me when things are going right in my life and provide me with endless support. For those who know me or have read my blog from the beginning can blatantly see that I hold my family with the highest regard my in laws included.

My husband is the person that keeps me together. As corny as it sounds but he’s my rock. He’s the person that assists me when I’m shaking and I cannot open things, he’s the person who reminds me to pack my medication (I have forgotten in the past but no longer thanks to the Pillboxie app. Thanks to one of my followers who told me of this) and drops everything when I’m unwell. Not only is he the person I fell for but he’s the person who believes in me regardless of my condition.

Like my husband my parents have provided me with stability and has given me the tools in order to maintain a happy and healthy life. They tried their best to understand my condition and teach me to the best of their ability. Like all parents they put their daughter first and never tried to hold me down. We’ve had our moments as all of us do however they have proven to me that although their relationship is no more that they have never sacrificed their daughter’s happiness to get one over on one another.

Although they have partners of their own my parents remain the best of friends, come together when required and have given me their all. It’s safe to say that having a family setup as unique as that one has taught us all a thing or two. No-one will ever break that bond we have and although my parents aren’t together we will always remain a family.

You can all see where I’m coming from. I could go on all day complimenting the people closest to me. My family and close friends have shown me that life is worth living, that there will always be someone worse off than you therefore live each day like it’s your last and never take anything for granted.

Having a condition is something that can take years to accept and say to yourself.

The day you actually come out and say “I have Epilepsy” is the day where in my case a weight was taken off my shoulders, the denial subsided and the person with the condition was now accepting the fact that this condition was a part of her. The remainder has been a battle however one each day that I’m overcoming. My seizures aren’t in full swing and fortunately they have remained dormant for over four years now.

Although this is the case my mind is still programmed to wonder what’s going to happen next, when the next seizure/shake will arise and what I’m going to have to do to help myself. I am however coming to terms with the fact that if an episode happens it happens and there’s nothing I can do to stop that.

This is the thing with Epilepsy. The seizures may go for a little while however the worry remains. I can say now that I’m not as fearful as I once was and encourage others to lay their cards on the table, seek advice from the medical profession about your condition and if all else fails speak to a support group that specialises in Epilepsy.

If you’re anxious the same rules apply.

On my Facebook page I’ve inputted a couple of UK based support networks that’s helped me over the years such as Mind, the Epilepsy society and Epilepsy Action.

These people genuinely know what you’re feeling because they’ve seen so much over the years. Their volunteers are second to none and their advice is astounding. The do actually know what they’re talking about and aren’t just some randoms telling you what you want to hear. Initially I used to worry as to how I’d be perceived when contacting a support group for advice.

I can recall the first time I called a support group. I was 14. I wanted to prove that I didn’t have to have to wait for the NHS to get their finger out and arrange a slot within a discussion forum therefore I’d call from the comfort of my own home. My hands were sweaty, I was as anxious as hell and I’d jotted a variety of questions on a note pad before calling.

At first I would think that I was weak because I was calling them, how wrong could I have been?

Do you not think that they know someone who has Epilepsy/anxiety therefore are in a position to help you? Of course they do, or if they don’t then they will know enough to help.

They have assisted me on more than one occasion particularly when questions were raised about forgetting to take my medication, exercise and epilepsy and just general info. You’re not alone therefore pick up the phone and seek support. No question is a silly one and if you need it answering and don’t receive that support from your GP then do some research and give these guys a call.

At the beginning of the post I started writing about this weekend’s festivities. My husband has turned 31 and I’m 28 next month. I’ve got some members of the family wondering when the patter of tiny feet will enter our household. To be honest I’d like to say in a couple of years. My other half and I are in the process of saving for America and would love to either go to New York, Florida or Miami perhaps for a getaway before starting to think about a baby.

A baby is a life long commitment and something that must be carefully considered and discussed at length to determine where I would stand health wise. It will happen, it’s just a matter of when.

Saturday was spent dining out eating naughty food and having the odd glass of wine. I’m not going to say that I was forced because it was my husbands birthday because I wasn’t. I’ve got my healthy eating books out so I’m going to revise!

I stayed on track with my exercise and didn’t let Ms Michaels down in that respect. Kill Jill was officially on form shouting at me and getting my arse into gere. Apart from my shaky day last week I have worked out every day since and have felt invigorated and raring to go.

As for today the day was spent with the in laws at Beamish where my nephew for the first time had the opportunity to run wild and see what the north east of England was like in the early 20th century. For those who haven’t experienced Beamish open air museum must do so ASAP. I have been informed that Beamish opened in the early seventies and has developed so much in forty years. Beamish is a working town circa 1913. it’s like stepping back in time and is another world completely.

Beamish consists of a working town with live trams, a horse and cart and mini motor vehicles. Beamish also provides educational tours where actors can educate individuals about their facilities and what times were like in the early 20th century. For those who have been onto my Facebook page today can get a glimpse of the facilities that are there.

By far my two favourite parts of Beamish have to be.. the Sweet shop and the fish and chip shop labelled “Davy’s fried fish”. Typical of me two eateries.

The food provided from each are beautiful and makes you feel like a kid again. All food is made the old fashioned way. The fires are heated with coal, the fish is so tasty and the chips cooked to perfection. The sweets are all handmade with the tools of the day. It’s old fashioned and right up my street.

Today my husband and I opted for a dab and chips. A dab is basically just a fishcake size chip shop fish placed on the top of homemade chips. No forks are provided therefore you can only have one end result that is to throw on the salt and vinegar, get your fingers greasy and enjoy yourself. Wash down that sinful delight with a bottle of dandelion and burdock and you’re done.

As for the sweet shop well.. need I say I any more? You walk into the shop to mountains of jars of homemade sweets, nougat and chocolate mice. Forget today’s cheap rubbish bring on the real thing.

The family and I couldn’t help ourselves and had a go on the carousel. Mind you £1.50 was a tad steep for a two minute ride however I laughed all the way round. I felt like I was a young girl again. I held on for dear life, thought the carouse was going to conk out and hoped my jeggings wouldn’t slip me off the horse! Fortunately none of the above happened therefore I was safe this time round. It was marvellous. A little chilly but marvellous.

In my eyes Beamish is something that I’m proud to have up here in the North east. Everyone seems to have a good time at Beamish. It’s officially the way forward and somewhere I’ve been going to since I was four years old. Overall a lovely weekend.

To conclude today’s post. Be there for your family and allow them to be there for you. We don’t always have to like our family members however we love them regardless. Never take anything for granted because you never know what’s round the corner. Don’t be harsh on yourself and get that advice if you need it.

Leaving it can cause more problems therefore don’t leave it any longer. Always remember that you are the most important and if you’re not right then neither are the people around you that love you. Be caring about the ones you love and the person you are yet carefree about the rest. Put yourself first.

Can we really love ourselves or will we always pick fault?

Get in! The sun’s out and I’m jumping around like a mad woman!

After yesterday’s weather catastrophe I thought today would bring the same elements rain, wind and hair as flat as a witches tit. For those who live in the UK know that the weather is so temperamental. One minute it’s glorious sunshine then before you know it torrential rain’s hit, the wind has got up to full force and you’re pushed along the street trying not to look embarrassed because you’re brolly’s blown inside out. Nightmare.

Anyhow I’m not going to whinge I’m going to enjoy the weather we currently have (the weather forecast is looking good for tomorrow too) and try not to rule out the fact that this could be our summer. Let’s hope not. I remain optimistic.

On the topic of being optimistic I thought I would throw in a quote that women in particular may associate with more because as women we do have a tendency to maybe pick fault with ourselves more than usual. In our defence it’s a woman’s prerogative perhaps to do so. Read below and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first and everything else falls in line”- Lucille Ball.

The quote I’ve written above is something that makes me question myself and where I stand in today’s society. In fact it makes sense.

I’ve mentioned before in a previous post that perfection is something that drives people on or drives them insane. Heaven knows who created this pathway to destruction however I personally feel that the emphasis to look perfect, act perfect, behave accordingly and fit in with the crowd is stronger now than it ever has been.

Having the latest clothing trends was the in thing nowadays the anti has been upped so god help the youngsters of the future when they reach my age because I can feel a proportion of that pressure now.

With me I was relatively fortunate to not have weight issues. I expected that my weight would increase when I was prescribed anti epileptic drugs however knew as this could be a side effect in my life that I would have to eat relatively healthy (bar the chocolate) and exercise regularly. My metabolism was through the roof and as you can well imagine I couldn’t relax. I was like a yo-yo. Up and down. This too could have contributed towards me maintaining a normal weight.

What I’m trying to explain here is that for someone without a disability the pressure is immense. For someone that has it’s like a double ended sword. People have looked at me in the past and thought

“She’s a bubbly girl, attractive, no weight issues, well dressed etc. etc.”

I’m not bragging just repeating what they say.. 🙂

Although I appreciate the compliments deep down people don’t appreciate that although to them I may be all of the above I do have confidence issues and I do suffer inside with a condition that I have felt can make or break me within a couple of minutes.

This is the thing with people. What they see on the outside is not necessarily what we are on the inside. I have ran through numerous tweets over the course of the past few days and can see that social stigma surrounding individuals who suffer from Epilepsy is still happening. What disappointed me more was that recently a tweet came through in which a large percentage of adults would not date someone with Epilepsy.

I was angered by this tweet and was repulsed at the fact that someone could look at another, fall for them, enjoy spending time with them however within a heartbeat they could crush that individual all because they had Epilepsy. Pardon my French here but what the fucks the matter with the world?

A couple of questions I’d like to ask you all.

Do people really think that we ask for this condition? Are people so shallow that they have to categorise us because of a condition we cannot control? Do we not deserve happiness or is that solely for the beautiful people out there who cannot string a sentence together that look good in a pair of skinny jeans?

Honestly can someone please explain why we are any different from the masses out there. We have a condition, something that affects our brain activity not our emotional connection with someone else.

When relationships became a factor in my life I would become distressed at the fact that I could be rejected because of my Epilepsy. To put your life in someone else’s hands freaks them out. The majority understand you however you will get a minority who cannot cope with responsibility let alone being responsible for someone having a seizure.

For the people that love you for who you are will always be there. They will be the first ones you see when you come out of your seizure and they will be the first ones to offer support when needed. These are the people that matter. As for the remainder they can just bugger off as far as I’m concerned. They aren’t worth your tears. They’ll never understand you therefore leave it at that and let them get on with their own lives.

I have chosen an example there something that’s close to me however the same rules apply with everyone out there.

Whether you have family problems, weight issues or anxiousness in your life there will always be that social stigma something we must all break free from. At the end of the day loving yourself for you and understanding that you do have faults isn’t a bad thing. It’s when those faults dominate you’re life that’s when the real problems occur.

A few months ago I spoke with a lady who informed me that accepting yourself in the skin you’re in is vital because by not applying this method can result in a multitude of problems. If you don’t accept your condition there will always be that niggle in the back of your mind wondering what if. By not loving yourself will result in your glass being half empty. It’s like chasing a dream that you haven’t dreamt yet. I was in that place once and it wasn’t nice at all.

With me my issues were my condition.. and my hips. I was no medical genius nor was I any Shakira however I felt nervous all of the time waiting for something that never actually happened. I’d wait for the seizure that fortunately 4 and a half years on has not hit me yet and long may that continue. I have however come to terms with my shakes.. my hips on the other hand I’m working on.

To this day the shakes overwhelm me however I refuse to keep hitting that brick wall.

Instead of trying to break through it or dodge it I just walk round the outside and allow my body to do what it needs to release the pressure inside of me. Once done I’m tired however I’m still standing jiggly legs but still standing. As time goes on I’m trying to embrace change and learn that my shakes are something that’s a part of me. I never asked for them however they’re there and I have to accept that.

When it comes to making decisions should we dodge them or should we those decisions and realise that that was the best decision made at the time? Only you can answer that.

On a lighter note my conclusion has been drawn about the Woman in Black. I think I brought the scaremongering on myself because the performance wasn’t too bad. I’d give it a 6 out of 10. The performance was good however again I think I hyped it up in my own head before going. If you like dark eerie performances then I’d recommend it, if not then stay clear and just the DVD instead because it’s cheaper. No poo pads were required.

Today has been a day spent with family on both sides. It’s my husbands birthday tomorrow and we intend to celebrate by taking a trip to the beach before returning home to paint the garden fence. I have told my husband that he can choose what he wants to do to celebrate his day and this is all he can come up with! For Pete’s sake painting a garden fence on your birthday? I’d rather watch paint dry.. literally. If he thinks I’m doing that on mine he’s sadly mistaken.

Today the in laws, my husband and I went to a pub nearby to celebrate. I ate healthy up until about 12.30pm when I opted for a steak and ale pie with vegetables. The pie crust was more crispy than doughy and the vegetables were steamed to perfection.

That choice was ok.. (I’m in denial saying that the pie was calorific) however I did share a slice of chocolate fudge cake and custard with my husband. I’m not going to lie and say I was forced into it because it was his birthday.. I ate half of it and say that while putting my hands over my face. It was bloody lovely however I felt so guilty afterwards.

Can I ask you all to advise me of something? Can you please tell me how I can stop my brain from wanting tempting treats? Is there anything you all do to put you off?

I’ve asked this numerous times however get to half way through the day and have that little treat. I know it’s only small however I feel like I’m not dedicating myself fully. The exercise is getting done however the food on the other hand isn’t at the stage I want it to be. Any ideas?

To conclude today’s post. Don’t think outside the box, think like there is no box. Appreciate you for you. If you have a dilemma approach it, review it and then make a decision.

Don’t beat yourself up because it isn’t good for you. Make the most of who you are and what you represent. Quick fixes don’t resolve issues, they are just quick fixes.

If you’re worried about something then sit down, talk to someone and once that issue has been resolved then wipe the slate clean and move on. When it comes to my Epilepsy I know that by looking at it in the right way has given me the power to understand it more and I would advise you all do the same. Keep calm, love yourself and stop picking fault.

The truth will set you free.

Good afternoon folks. I’m off work and am overjoyed because I can officially get the odds and sods complete before I venture into town tonight to see The Woman in Black with my other half. The only downer is the weather.

Is it me or has the temperature plummeted in 48 hours? It feels like winter. The heater’s on and I’m sitting here in my onesie. Trust me it isn’t a nice site… even the cat’s dubious.

The sun isn’t out, it’s blowing a gale and watching the rain is making me wonder whether we will ever get a few glorious days?

The theatrical performance I’m going to see later has got mixed reviews and has been running for over twenty years on the West End. For those who keep themselves updated with Sazzle’s blog will be well aware that I’m shitting myself and are hoping that this evening’s performance won’t give me nightmares. I’ve got my loo roll ready in the event of an accident happening.. Not that I think it will.

People have asked me which has freaked me out the most Woman in Black or The Evil dead. Woman in black for sure. That film starring Daniel Radcliffe had me gripped from beginning to end. The eeriness of his performance made me wanting more however scared me immensely. For crying out loud it was a bloody 12A and here you have it a 27 year old woman hiding behind a pillow and finding any old excuse to go and make a cuppa. God help me tonight. Wish me luck.

On the topic of frightening instances I’ve noticed that people usually run away from their fears when in fact by staring your fear in the face will allow you to see how strong you really are. The saying is in the title, by accepting the truth it will set you free.

This statement tallies in relatively well with today’s quote.

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off”- Eric Butterworth

How many times have I taken to my blog or to twitter and got myself all frustrated with life? Umpteen times however in the back of my mind I have a possible solution, something I feel that I need to pursue in order for me to carry on. Let’s give you an example.

My chocolate habit is the first thing that’s came to mind. How do I resolve the sugar slump mid afternoon? Eat healthier snacks that have reduced sugar content. On the other hand when it comes to my anger it’s the knowing you’re in the wrong, taking that step back and analysing where you’ve gone wrong and moving on from it.

What is it with problems eh? Of course they’re going to piss you off however one the steam has been released and you’ve calmed down they you realise that a problem is only a problem if you allow it to effect you.

Nine times out of ten with me it’s my fear of change. It’s the fear of incorporating a new regime into my life such as a new breathing technique to help my anxiety or a potential reduction in my medication. All of these elements can be a risk to your health. Why? Because you’re subdued and the problem you’re facing is outside your comfort zone thus forcing you to run away.

Growing up I ran away from my condition and did so for over 15 years making excuses, acknowledging my condition, wanting to help myself however knew there’s was something holding me back.

The worries of waking up with Epilepsy was on my mind from the moment I woke up till last thing at night. Let’s say it wasn’t a happy experience.

In fact on some occasions I didn’t want to go on. I wanted to live but I just wanted to give up, stop taking me meds and say to hell with the world. I felt like I was standing in the centre of a large hall with my feet glued to the ground.

Everyone and everything around me was passing me by however my feet remained stuck. I was shouting, people could hear and wanted to know however until I accepted my problem then it was me who couldn’t move forward. Instead of saying that others didn’t understand what I should have been saying is that I don’t understand. It’s not their fault.

There has always been this desire inside of me to challenge my Epilepsy however always felt that when confrontation came that the words would come out wrong and I’d lose focus.

Going to hospital appointments would infuriate me particularly when previous neurologists gave the impression that they didn’t give a damn leaving me to ask for my own MRI scans and EEG’s. I didn’t want to be a statistic I wanted someone to acknowledge that I had a condition and that they would jump through hoops for me giving me what I needed to understand my condition more.

A couple of questions for you? Have you ever worried about how you’re being perceived? Have you ever felt so passionate about something that you will drop everything to get it sorted or have you ever felt like people are misinterpreting your problems as wanting attention? I know I have.

Before I got married I made the mistake of telling people I didn’t know about my insecurities. These people weren’t my family, friends of close work colleagues. They were random people who I’d only been out with once.

After divulging my worries onto them my mind felt weightless however I had this sunken feeling that I’d made a mistake. They didn’t know me so why was I telling them these things?

The way I was made to feel after that lengthy conversation made me wonder. What had come over me to release my personal thoughts onto a stranger? Maybe it was because I had a couple of beers and thought the people I was surrounded around by could be potential acquaintances. They weren’t, they were people who would end up make me feel like shit to make their lives look that little brighter.

One thing I appreciate now is that when it comes to problems it’s all being well to share on the proviso that you can cope with being scrutinised without feeling uncomfortable. You should be allowed to stand up for yourself.

What you need to understand is that everyone’s entitled to their opinion and that’s fine however if you’re a person who cannot cope with criticism/difference of opinion then you’re best discussing your issues with the people closest to you. Either that or go to see a therapist, someone who isn’t a part of your circle who is prepared to give you the tools to allow yourself to see that you are entitled to that second chance.

On a lighter note let’s talk about yesterday’s events.

Work, work and more work, that and popping for a bite to eat at our local pub. I remained healthy and had fish with vegetables. Unfortunately a galaxy came from out of my handbag yesterday however that was the only treat of the day. The remainder was taken up with a low fat vegetable lasagne and a bowl of cereal.

Water was glugged throughout the day and coffee drank to keep me awake. What I’ve identified about water is that the supposed myth of “making you perkier, giving you a brighter skin and allowing you to feel fuller for longer” is actually true. To me drinking water was like eating garden peas. It was bland, boring and tasted of nothing. Nowadays I’m partial to garden peas and try my best to keep them on my fork and not on the table. Unfortunately that’s quite hard when you suffer from shakes.

It’s funny though because you always get that one person who” say “Have you had a pea on the table” I know I say that quite sarcastically however the more I’m typing the more I cannot help but laugh.

Yesterday I upped my game and went onto level two of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred DVD. Two words. My word. If I crossed that woman on the street I wouldn’t know whether to cuddle her or knock her out for the pain she’s putting my body under. She’s pushing me like no other trainer has and is making me question why I haven’t pushed myself sooner.

My body is gradually changing and it’s all thanks to her. Mind you on day three I was ready to jump through that TV with a bat and run after her with it because I was so sore. It’s got to the point where I’m impulse shouting with a combination of positive remarks and profanities such as “I can do it, along with fuck off, I need some water and you bitch” but never mind. If you haven’t got it then please get it. For those who already have it can you sympathise with me and is your body changing?

Apart from work, eating and exercise nothing else is happening. I’ve had errands to do this morning and are preparing myself for this evening’s performance. Quite boring really.

To conclude today’s post. As corny as this sounds allow the truth to set you free and set you apart from the others who cannot accept themselves. So you have an insecurity? So what.. does that make you any less of a person? Of course it doesn’t.

Why is it that people home in on the negatives and not the positives? My personal opinion is that they do so to distract themselves from their own problems and the not wanting to enjoy their lives. Do you really think their lives are perfect? I doubt it.

When it comes to Epilepsy facing up to the fact that you have it is extremely important.

Our condition at times will make us feel down however there’s always light at the end of the tunnel even if it shines for a couple of days at least you know it’s there. Remember accepting the truth allows you to move forward. Not accepting it means that you’re not giving yourself that chance and that’s wrong. Problems will upset you however it’s the bouncing back that will make you stand out from the crowd. Bare that in mind.

Why don’t some thing’s go according to plan?

“Don’t spend time beating on a wall hoping to transform it into a door”- Coco Chanel.

Coco Chanel. The true original fashion designer that turned women into ladies. To this day it makes me wonder how one woman could have so much strength, mind you the more I think about it we all have strength it just depends on whether you put that strength into practice.

Today has been a day where my Epilepsy and I have disliked one another. Epilepsy week is this week and is due to end on 25th May. It’s made me happy to see the awareness being raised and people re-tweeting to educate others.

Waking up every morning to see the educational tweets about my condition makes me proud however when the shakes take hold the stronger half of me wants to eradicate the weaker side and push when it’s not required. Words can’t describe the way I feel about the shakes. They are a force to be reckoned with and one that I wouldn’t wish on my worst nightmare.

Sometimes I get all annoyed because I feel that people think I’m putting it on because one moment I’m joking on about the weather and the next minute my demeanour has changed and I’m sitting on a floor shaking.

My shakes are bearable when my mind is positive however today I woke up feeling lethargic and not with it at all. I looked in the mirror and was drifting off whilst drying my hair. My arms felt sore, my head was sore. That should have been a sign however like true Saz style I didn’t want to accept that the signs were there. I needed to get to work.

My sleeping pattern has regulated since the bird decided to disappear for a couple of nights and I’ve been sleeping better. This morning when I woke up I sent my usual morning tweets before getting ready for work.

This morning like one’s I’ve previously had my concentration was all over the place, I had a piercing headache and no amount of paracetemol was going to prevent what happened later on. As the day progressed the headache started to go however the lack of sensation in the left hand side of my face still remains whilst writing this blog.

The lack of sensation isn’t uncomfortable because I can’t feel my face however it still to this day makes me question why this happens to me. Sometimes questions will remain unanswered and that’s something I’m trying to accept however when they become more frequent that’s why my mind wants answers.

The shakes aren’t an issue with me anymore because I’ve factored them into my thought pattern however these constant feelings can create negativity and make me want to throw the towel in.

After taking a jaunt to the first aid room at work I looked out of the window and burst into tears. Part of me didn’t have a clue what I was crying for because I’ve had experiences like these in the past. The problem being was that I knew a shake was beckoning however didn’t know when it was actually going to hit me fully.

What I find disappointing is that I know my shakes are Epilepsy related however there appears to be this brick wall that my doctors and I keep hitting when we try to find a word to describe my shakes.

Initially we thought it was potential migraines, other times we considered whether it was anxiety related however the more we discuss my shakes the more we realise that medication does play a role. The doctors have recognised this and considered taking me off Keppra entirely however know that by either reducing it drastically or taking me off the drug may not cure the shakes and would result in the seizures returning.

Unfortunately side effects are something we all have to accept when taking tablets daily. It’s like anything you take there’s always that large warning sign in capital letters putting the fear of god into you to cover their own backs. That’s understandable and something the medical profession have brought in to give us the patient an indicator as to what the ingredients are and the effects those have on the human body.

People today have been concerned about my welfare.

With me it’s not just about taking days off on the sick because I have a disability. It’s the impact it has on your daily duties. Having a bad shaky bout can knock you for six and leave you mentally and physically weak resulting in you not wanting to do what you’d planned. That’s the saddest thing about the shakes therefore from now on I have made the promise to myself to go with the flow and not put too much emphasis on getting jobs done right there and then.

I’ve walked around work today adamant that I wouldn’t go home and I would “see how I went” as the day progressed before making any rash decisions. What I should have done is give my head a shake and realise that my eyes were touching the floor and I looked whiter than a sheet of A4. People have referred to me as being bubbly and a lass that couldn’t stop talking if she tried. I agree with them on that one. Shakes or no shakes you can’t stop me talking not for love nor money.

I eventually made the sensible decision mid day to return home at 1.45pm.

In my own head I wanted to prove to myself for whatever reason (that unfortunately I cannot answer) that I had given it my all and I wasn’t asking to go home for no reason. People may question my judgement for making that decision so late on however I wanted to eliminate every eventuality. I wanted to ensure that I had a bite to eat, drank plenty of fluids and even had a bar of chocolate to rule out my blood sugar being low… I know I’m healthy eating! I was gutted but the galaxy did taste nice.

Why is it that our days never go according to plan? I thought I was doing ok this week and then all of a sudden the day comes to a standstill? I understand that that’s just the way life is however it still makes you wonder or it does with me at least.

When I shake the first thing I do when I get home is have a quick snack and then sleep for up to four hours. Today was completely different. I returned home with every intention of sleeping, eating and then feeling better. Oh no! I ate, haven’t slept and still feel like rubbish. The headache has subsided however the numbness is still there and my body cannot rest. It’s like it’s on alert.

This is the thing with Epilepsy. Your body is always on alert wondering what’s going to happen next. For the past four months I have tried to encourage you all to relax.

Usually after persuading myself that relaxation is good for me I eventually have some down time however know that my body and mind aren’t as one. My body wants to chill, it wants to grab a magazine whilst lying in the bath having a soak. My mind however wants to start cleaning windows and tidying my wardrobe. What’s all that about?

I try to sleep and then I start dayreaming for a split second that I’m getting chased by a pig down my street. Can someone explain this to me? Two words to describe that part of my day. Fucking weird.

A couple of questions for you all.

What is it with the mind? Is it our medication that does this to us? Are any of you relate to what I’m questioning?

The shake happened later on this afternoon. I shook for approx 45 minutes. Whilst shaking I tried to keep my attention on the TV. I didn’t have the strength to scroll down the TV menu therefore went for the first thing that came on. And you never guess what it was? Bullseye! You cannot beat a bit of bully.

For those who aren’t familiar with Bullseye it came onto British televisions in the eighties.. probably around the time I was born. It was primetime television. Contestants would answer questions, those translated into points. At the very end you could try and win a variety of prizes. The prizes were horrendous but were the in thing back in the day.

The star prize was usually a speed boat something people very rarely won.

I think the best bit of it has to be when the presenter consoles the contestants for NOT WINNING before saying the line “Well this is what you could have won” Get away! What you really want to say is Sod off let me go home.

Who would ever have thought Bullseye would be my concentration point to prevent me shaking. Nevermind.

The shakes have gone now and I’m feeling rather weak. My mind is active and I’m trying my best to remain calm and try to sleep. Doubt this is going to happen.

As for the remainder of the day nothing much has happened. My husband has made a beautiful spag bol that I demolished within minutes and I’ve caught up with a bit of Jeremy Kyle USA. Now You’ve been framed is on.. Oh dear. I’m trying to contain my laughter… not.

Anyhow to conclude today’s post. Sometimes things don’t go according to plan therefore don’t put kick yourself in the arse if it doesn’t. I try to be an optimist at all times however at times the pessimist in me and question things to the hilt worrying about what hasn’t yet happened. This is one thing I’d urge you not to do. Worrying gets you nowhere, it really doesn’t.

I’ll leave you with a quote that I may have used before however will use again.

“Keep smiling because life is a beautiful thing and there so much to smile about”- Marilyn Monroe.

That’s right. I can’t answer the questions I asked myself earlier because to be brutally honest I don’t know the answers.

Life is a beautiful thing made up of beautiful people who I wish to share my life with. Shaking is hard to accept at times however I’m getting there. I don’t like it but know it’s there. As I’ve said many a time acceptance is what allows you to drive yourself and gives you the power to move forward. Never let anyone hold you back.. not even the shakes.

Open your eyes.

“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?”- Bob Marley.

That quote pretty much summarises this evening’s post before I’ve even thought of what I’m going to write next. When Bob Marley sang you could feel every word he was saying and were whisked away into a tranquil place where only his voice would emerge.

This morning I woke up eager to start the day even though I had been kept awake all bloody night by some random blackbird chuntering away on my garden fence. This blackbird is one who returns every summer bounces from my fence to the garage overlooking the back garden and makes her feelings known by squawking all day. She squawks from about 11pm to 6am in the morning prattling on about nothing. Gosh she sounds like me most days wittering on.

Her chirp has the same pitch and length making me think that she’s talking about the same thing. I wish she was a human so she could tell me what the problem is and do one however I’m all for nature therefore will let her have her say.

I’m a great lover of animals however when you’re only getting three hours sleep because some blackbird wants to chat in the middle of the night then we’ve got serious problems, either that or she’s telling me to piss off because there’s a new nest in the tree. My husband and I are going berserk due to our lack of sleep we’re getting and the cat even more so because she dive bombs him everytime he gets near to the fence.

Paranoia a side effect of my medication that I’m in the process of overcoming however it’s safe to say this bird doesn’t like me very much… I’ve drawn that conclusion why? Because she craps all over my washing that’s why. Keeping me awake is one thing however shitting on my washing is another particularly when I purchased a new white vest top from Zara last week and only worn it once.

Overall it’s pandemonium in our household. All over a bird.

Today has been a day where I literally cannot be bothered possibly due to the lack of sleep. To prevent my from putting matchsticks in my eyes to keep me awake I decided the next best thing would be to drink copious amounts of coffee. The non stop slump has made me feel nauseous and I’m ready to drop at any moment. It’s safe to say I don’t think this is good for my condition whatsoever.

This morning was all about my medication. I forgot to take them this morning and in a mad panic ended up taking them mid morning whilst tucking into my low fat muller rice. The feeling of “Have I taken them” is something that doesn’t usually cross my mind however this morning the worry sunk in quicker than my Liz Earle face cream.

Have any of you ever worried about forgetting to take your medication and what the repercussions will be? Do you fear that a seizure will happen straight away and if so where you will be and how others are going to handle that episode?

That was me this morning. I could feel myself wanting to inform my colleagues to keep them on alert incase I took ill however refrained from doing so, tried to act as though nothing phased me and carried on with my day as normal. This is the thing with having a condition you cannot control. It’s the doubt, it’s the fear of the unknown and wondering whether you’ll be alone should the inevitable happen.

The one word I haven’t discussed in great length since starting my blog is fear. It’s a topic that has mixed messages and can get quite dark. Yes I’ve pinpointed on fear of the unknown however haven’t documented anything about people’s fears when having Epilepsy.

As a child I thought that one day that I would experience the deja vu moment when I was eight where I would repeatedly convulse only this time I wouldn’t wake up. My heart goes out to so many families who have lost a relative/child who has died from this condition.

Fear of dying from seizures is nearly universal amongst patients and their families and can have an impact on the way you live your life. Maybe this is one of the insecurities my parents and I shared whilst growing up because there could be the slight possibility that the worst case scenario would happen.

What I would say in times such as these where the fear of dying from an episode enters your mind is “If it happens, it happens”

Putting pressure on yourself is not good for you. You can’t erase that fear however living a life in fear is not one that I personally want for myself. If you have moments of fear then share this with the people you love or better still put it in writing, read it and compare it with the positives in your life. Life is too short to worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet.

Some people without a condition have the same issues when the word dying is mentioned however I’ve always been brought up to think that you cannot avoid death (or the taxman for that matter) therefore you must live life to the full and even though it breaks you inside from time to time embrace your condition don’t run from it. I know with myself I tended to over analyse things. To this day I believe that when you have a condition such as Epilepsy that it’s understandable this fear will take hold and cause psychological worry.

One piece of advice for you all. Running from your insecurity can bring you down. Open your eyes and see the life in front of you condition or not. Don’t keep looking back, look forward and make memories you choose to treasure not nightmares you feel that you’re reliving.

Unless you have health issues that are deemed as treatable then you have to make the most with what you have and allow yourself the happiness you deserve.

Anyhow a quick insight about today’s events. Apart from wanting to snooze everywhere I went I’ve eaten healthily however remained exercise free tonight. My body is changing shape and my jeans aren’t feeling as snug. Chocolate has taken a back seat for the time being however has been replaced with a muller rice to curb the sweet craving.

Facebook is officially set up. Get in there!

Following last nights frustrations I have managed to set up a page giving you all full access to Sazzle’s blog along with websites that should give you all an insight as to what Epilepsy entails and where you can seek support. The webpage will also include other links to worry and anxiety two further conditions I hold very close to my heart.

I can openly admit I use these websites frequently to gain an understanding of my condition and to raise awareness. By all means drop it a like if you haven’t already done so.. I won’t hold it against you if you do. 🙂

To conclude today’s post. Open your eyes and see what’s directly in front of you. Having a condition is not about living in fear it’s about understanding what you have and allowing yourself to learn about the coping mechanisms to embrace change. Keep going. I know you can do it.

I’m not young, have been stupid and are no technicial genius.

Afternoon all, a relatively short post however one I hope may work so fingers crossed. I’ll get to that in a second.

The quote of the day has to be this.

“To be old and wise you must have to be young and stupid”

Today has been a day of sheer frustration, frustration at the fact that for over two hours I have attempted to promote my blog onto a Facebook page without having to go through the palaver of setting up a personal Facebook account. I’m usually not a big fan of Facebook therefore don’t want a personal page however as I’m trying to promote Epilepsy awareness to a wider audience I thought I would give it a go.

Thank you all for your advice however I’m struggling big style because I’m no technical genius. Everyone from my husband to my dad has seen the frustration on my face. I have tried so hard to not get annoyed in front of them however the silence says it all. I’m trying my best to remain calm however failing miserably. If any of you have any suggestions on how I can make this dream a reality then I will happily take them.

Anyhow enough of me getting on my high horse over an internet page best continue.

The quote mentioned above has to be said really. Being young is about having fun. It’s about making mistakes and hopefully learning from them. It’s about dating and realising that he’s not actually the one yet, it’s about spending money you don’t really have and it’s about spending time with your friends and enjoying each moment you have with them. When Epilepsy’s involved it’s a hard thing to discuss when you’re a youngster however if you get into the swing of asking questions and listening then that can stand you in good stead for when you’re older.

With me I was never really young and stupid I was more cautious. I had the odd moment where I would get bladdered (previous posts confirm this) however those were very few and far between. I was someone who was reluctant to let that blonde hair down of mine and let go. I put this down to my Epilepsy, something I hated for not giving me that opportunity to let my hair down. The condition was something in my younger years prevented me from having those stupid moments I wanted.

Looking back I’m appreciative of my condition by making me think differently as the people I knocked around with got themselves into some horrendous states, some that they couldn’t remember the following day. Whilst they’re making an absolute tit of themselves I’m at home with a DVD on or reading a book getting myself all chewed over the fact I was losing friends. Deep down I was gaging an understanding of what society had to offer and something that wasn’t all pretty.

Let’s just say I was being sensible and was relatively pleased any spare cash I had went on dressing smartly than smelling like I’d just crawled out of the local pub.

There have been many that frown at Epilepsy like it’s some disease. The one thing that frustrates me is how people refer to my “illness” as something contagious. Sorry to disappoint but it isn’t contagious.

Epilepsy can sometimes be misinterpreted as a “illness” however that is incorrect. Saying my condition was an illness was something I happily accepted as a teen however something that pissed me off as I got older. To me Epilepsy is a condition not an illness. An illness is a bout of the flu or sickness and diarrhoea not Epilepsy.

Seizures are a part of my condition however they aren’t the only thing that define Epilepsy. Having a condition such as this is a life changing experience. I don’t want to be categorized as an Epileptic. I’m a person who suffers from Epilepsy and there’s a difference.

As society has changed my life has with it. The numerous specialist appointments have condensed and I’m in a position where I’d like to help others cope with their condition. Don’t get me wrong I still have bouts of worry where I feel like the whole world’s on my shoulders and feel like I’m ready to bang my head off a brick wall however aren’t as insecure about my condition and understand that there will be moments like these.

Being happy all of the time is physically impossible therefore we must go through the motions and try and find that place where we can go to let off steam without allowing it to have an impact on others. Suggestions include going into a room and writing down your thoughts, doing exercise, going for a long walk to clear your mind or just shouting at the top of your lungs till you feel that pressure subside.

Unfortunately from experience shouting at others gets you nowhere and can be misinterpreted as you putting the blame on them when really you only want them to listen. Think of the consequence before shouting. Digest the issue and release it slowly.

Anyhow today hasn’t all been about anger. I ventured with my other half to the shops to purchase a photo frame and came back with a lot more than I bargained for. My intention was to spend £10 on a frame however ended up buying food for the home along with my photo frame before making a pit stop at Starbucks for a cool lime drink. So much for me spending a tenner. I spent £25!

As for the healthy eating that too is going superbly well. There’s cheese scones in the house that I am refraining from eating. Who ever guessed that would happen? Exercise wise Jillian Michaels is still wooping my arse with the 30 day shred and is leaving me completely pooped afterwards. No pain no gain.. so best continue.

Before I conclude today’s post I cannot leave without giving a review on yesterday’s Eurovision song contest. What a shower of shite that was.

As there was nothing on the TV, my recordings were up to date and I wasn’t fancying a DVD I ended up watching some of the Eurovision. The presenter was slightly funny however the acts were pitiful. I wasn’t impressed. I made a suggestion with one of my twitter pals that we should form an act with her singing and me playing Lord of the dance on the recorder. Hey it’s worth a bash!

The UK were represented by Bonnie Tyler.

Poor old Bonnie eh?. She wasn’t a patch on her Total Eclipse days however belted it the best she could. The United Kingdom as they’ve done since the mid nineties haven’t won a bean. Like my bets on a Saturday nothing there’s more a chance of me winning the lottery than us winning Eurovision. It doesn’t matter what anyone says Eurovision is all political.

One things for certain is that no one likes the Brits- apart from the countries that gave us a couple of points here and there. Never mind there’s always next year…

To conclude today’s post. There’s a reason why I don’t go on Facebook that’s because I cannot get onto the bloody thing. That and not wanting any people I can only tolerate wanting to add me as a friend when they haven’t been arsed with me for ten years. Fingers crossed I get it up and running someday. As for this evenings post we all make mistakes and that’s normal.

It’s whether you learn from them that’s key. Remember frustration comes and go’s it’s how you channel that frustration determines what the next step will be. Remember to keep calm, take time out and go back to it when you’re feeling less stressed. Nothing’s worth being unwell for.

Standing tall.

Happy Saturday everyone, hope you’re all enjoying your weekend so far, It’s just such a shame the weather is so grim. To wake up to another day of rain was starting to depress me however the day got a little brighter and my frown turned upside down because the blinds man came to fit my wooden venetian blinds. My house looks homely and I’m over the moon.

The only downside to decorating our home is the cost. Why is it so pricey for homewear these days? Surely the solution could be that I could flash a bit leg and get £100 off or could burst into tears and get them for nothing. I don’t see that happening do you?

Anyway before I get carried away I better kick off this rainy Saturday with a quote that should hopefully brighten all our days:

“When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone but the righteous stand firm forever”- Proverbs 10:25

This morning was a morning of shakes and something that I thought would prevent me from going out yet another Saturday with my dad. My mood earlier was like the weather, downright miserable however I managed to think clearly, remain calm and persevere with the problem in front of me. The shakes managed to subside after half an hour and I was back to normal.

The quote above represents everything I believe in.

I believe that the good should be rewarded and the bad reprimanded. As a nation we should be united and the righteous should stand firm. I feel that we should stand together sharing our thoughts to help raise Epilepsy awareness and that’s what I’m trying to do.

As a youngster I gravitated towards problems however fast forward twenty years and I’m now a person who cannot be bothered with problems unless they’re something that are either detrimental to my health or the people closest to me. Life is about accepting who you are and understanding that you’re going to have good and bad times. It’s your attitude towards all situations that counts.

Epilepsy is a condition others have chosen over the years to frown at. I have always been wary of my condition however am now in the position where I’m thinking “Bugger it I’ll be sensible and cannot keep worrying”. I cannot continue having these moments of despair, of questioning myself and constantly wanting more therefore instead of waiting for the solution I must go and find it myself.

Saturday equals one thing, Dad and Saz time.. with my mother for company of course. Fortunately I managed to overcome the shakes and decided it was a bit worthless sitting moping in the house therefore went out for a bite to eat and a chat. My dad and I usually humour one another with our statements whilst reminiscing about the past.

Today the conversation revolved around feelings and how in today’s society there’s so much emphasis on having the things you can’t have such as flashy cars, expensive homes, being decked to the nines in designer clothes whilst saving for that rainy day. As you are all aware I didn’t feel like I was accomplishing anything in life unless I was on the go all the time, something today I feel contributed towards my downfall, something I felt caused the majority of my anxiety. That and a mixture of Epilepsy thrown in.

Growing up I was advised from my father’s side of the family to be a leader not a follower, to stand tall and to show the world who I was and that I was a caring yet determined person. I wanted to show the world that regardless of having a condition that I can do things within reason.

My dad and I have an understanding of one another and my father can appreciate the way I am and the pressures I have put onto myself over the years.

Today’s conversation made me see that I must focus on my life and not the life of others. To constantly be comparing yourself to others is a negative action. By doing this can change your persona and make you bitter.

Ask yourself these questions. By comparing yourself with others what is this going to achieve? Do you think you’re life would be any better if you were in their situation? How do you not know that they have their own problems that they’re trying their utmost to conceal? You don’t know, that’s the thing. People guess however aren’t certain.

Life may appear rosy because you walk around and see people in their finery acting all perfect however that may not be the case.

Whilst deep in thought I looked at a family sitting opposite me giggling and smiling without a care in the world. Their love for one another was apparent and radiated around the room.

All of a sudden a thought popped into my head that being that I must fixate my attention on the life I share with my husband (and the cat) and see that money shouldn’t be the be all and end all to succeed. Having air in my lungs, being able to share my passions with others and being able to help myself should be something to be proud of not something that I should strive to improve. Compare myself to ten years ago I’m a completely different person.

I’m a woman who is happy, fulfilled most of the time and are coming to terms with a condition that has dominated her life for so long. Medication isn’t the issue anymore because I’ve taken it daily for 16 out of the 20 years I’ve had Epilepsy. If I reduce it I do, if I don’t I don’t. Either way medication will be a part of my life whether I like it or not therefore I must accept that the Keppra (anti-epileptic drugs) is essential because without it my Epilepsy would be far worse.

Medication can be a nightmare. From the stories I’ve read and the people I’ve talked to medication tends to complicate things. Finding the right medication is a chore, it’s a waiting game. It’s a one you want to say goodbye to however deep down you know that taking medication is required. I’ve always asked myself how many tears do I have to shed before I come to terms that I’m Epileptic? I’m sick of crying therefore I best start smiling because unless I grow out of it it’s here to stay.

My health must take centre stage and as long as I am fit, healthy and pro-active then this will enable me to start planning my life and being happy. Maybe the reason why I have questioned my own actions is because my seizures made me question myself and my ability. For so long the blame was pointed at them, not at what I was becoming.

I choose not to drive and I choose not to stress myself so much for the sake of a further £150 a month. It’s not worth it. Nothing should be worth sacrificing my condition for unless I’m comfortable to do so.

Nowadays I accept that apart from the shakes and the side effects from my medication I hold the remainder of the cards therefore I make do with what I have, make the necessary sacrifices and move on because life isn’t just about standing still. It’s about standing tall and facing Epilepsy together. Standing tall with your shoulders back gives you that lift, it makes you feel like you’re on top of the world and makes you feel alive, I know it does with me.

To conclude today’s post. Appreciate who you are. Standing tall gives you that boost and makes you see that although life may not always deal the right cards that you can overcome your problems and do it with class.

Acceptance is a necessity to move forward, without acceptance then you might as well quit because believe me moping doesn’t get you anywhere. Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within therefore put on your best outfit, put a bit of lippy on (if that’s your thing) and be proud of who you are because nobody can replace you.

The two E’s… Exercise and Epilepsy.

“Sometimes the easiest way is the hard way”- John Finn.

People may question why I have used this very quote this evening however I thought it was relevant to this evening’s post. Tonight I intend to discuss a topic we either love or loathe. That topic is Exercise, something that people go hell for leather at or refrain from doing.

The word no shouldn’t be an excuse. You’ve heard the saying no pain no gain. Well it’s true. Exercise isn’t easy it’s bloody hard work.

I know exactly how it feels. The idea of doing exercise after a long day at work is exhausting and you feel like you’d rather crawl in a ball somewhere and dismiss it than give it a go. The words “Till tomorrow” were muttered so many times that I’ve lost count.

The quote John Finn mentioned there is exactly the way I have been feeling the past few days. You never got anything in life for free so why should exercise be any different. The difference with exercise and life is that you can exercise from home, at the gym and amongst friends. The list is endless.

As you are all aware I have had a run of illness over the past couple of months and it’s something I’d rather forget than look back on with fond memories. The word exercise got me thinking and wondering what relevance exercise has to someone suffering from Epilepsy.

Exercise can be a touchy subject amongst some who believe that they’re far too busy to spare 20 minutes a day doing a combination of strength exercises (i.e weights) and cardio. In their minds exercise is too stressful therefore that’s the reason why exercise shouldn’t be a priority. The more analysing I did about exercise the more I realised a little exercise can not only go a long way however can benefit us all not only mentally but physically.

As someone suffering from Epilepsy my GP’s, neurologists etc. have drawn the conclusion that my seizures/shaky bouts are as a result of stress, an imbalance in my brain activity (particularly the left lobe) and medication changes.

During my late teens/early twenties my medication had risen drastically within two years and my mind was working overtime to adapt to my frequent medication changes. My head was all over the shop and the side effects ranged from migraines, shaking and more importantly demotivation something that I was never used to.

I have never been a lover of exercise however when a challenge is given I try and give it a go. If I fail I fail however can say that I’ve given it my best shot.

I’m no marathon runner and prefer to walk an incline on the treadmill than running because my feet usually give way resulting in injury however I do like to do a little aerobic training, the squat challenge and weights of an evening. The aim is to not look like a geezer but to tone up, look in the mirror, like what I see and accept who I am. That will not only assist my recovery but give me the satisfaction to know I’m doing my very best.

Depending upon the severity of your seizures can prevent you from doing certain exercises, this is solely down to the injury factor and that on specific machines should you have a seizure the end result could be disastrous however I have always thought exercise can take your mind off your condition. In order to help myself I decided when I was younger to introduce exercise into my life.

As a person who seemed to always feel burdened with stress I thought in order to help my condition and understand it more that going to a gym would enable me to release any tension and alleviate any stress I had whilst working out for that hour.

It’s safe to say that I’m no gym bunny and get bored very quickly however found that when I was on the cross trainer bopping away to my tunes on my Iphone that my stress I was feeling towards my condition was going gradually. The worry of not being accepted again was disappearing before my eyes because my mind was focused more on the exercise regime than the initial problem.

When I’d return from whatever exercise I had completed I knew in my heart that the stress wasn’t as prominent, in fact it had pretty much gone. With exercise it is a stress reliever. Medical books and online sites encourage people of all ages, all races and disabilities to incorporate exercise into your life to give you that breathing space.

Once I’ve finished a work out I feel invigorated and shattered all at the same time. The nicest thing I can take away from that feeling is the knowing I’ve accomplished my goal for the day.

Ask yourself these questions. Have you ever thought that the stresses in your life would engulf you that much that you were going to pass out/convulse? Have you ever thought of giving in because there doesn’t appear to be no other way out? I know I have.

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is something I haven’t always followed. First and foremost I’m a chocoholic and that’s without question. I used to eat up to five bars of chocolate a time.

Fortunately I didn’t put any weight on however my parents made it a priority to not fill my life up with fast food. A little fast food was given when I’d done well at school or when my mam had got paid. The remainder of the time my meals usually consisted of Sunday dinners (i.e. meat and vegetables), hotpots, salmon with vegetables and casseroles. Everything had veg on it, nothing had chips or anything really fatty. My only let down was the chocolate… and mashed potato.

My GP said once that chocolate releases endorphins and gives you that happy feeling however sometimes you feel guilty afterwards because you know it isn’t healthy. On the other hand knowing that you’ve completed an exercise regime releases the same endorphin and makes you smile. What would you rather have… go on say it… the chocolate!

I used to believe that having Epilepsy was an excuse to put my life on hold for everyone and everything. Although I liked exercise it wasn’t always my cup of tea. I would watch shows such as the Biggest loser and be inspired however would dread the idea of someone like a personal trainer pushing me beyond belief and making me cry. In fact looking back that’s exactly what we need however I don’t have a fistful of cash to pay for a personal trainer therefore I must push myself.

Since coming onto twitter I have been inspired by the people who follow me. Those same people have joined a slimming club and are in the process of turning their lives around for the better. What more can you say to that? Remarkable and something I’m so proud of them for doing.

Speaking to my twitter followers has made me see that having Epilepsy doesn’t prevent me from doing anything, in fact they are giving me the motivation to want to tone up and exercise like I’ve never exercised before. My friends are educating me and I have been pleasantly surprised as to what healthy food you can eat without feeling like you’re eating rabbit food all day.

Having the medical problems I have lately is spurring me on to carry on. As the shakes have diminished for the time being that’s freeing my time up to push myself in a way that I’ve never done before. Lately I have been extremely busy however have made that 40 minutes to do a workout at home and document the way I feel afterwards.

Since doing that two days ago I have noticed a drastic change in the way I’ve been feeling. The worries of change used to scare me however now I know that you cannot run away from change. You must continue life has normal and maintain that positive attitude throughout. By doing so it’s not only toning up my saggy arse but it’s helping my condition too.

It’s making me realise how strong I am and I would urge you all do the same… Bring exercise into your life, see how strong you are and see how exercise can change your life.

The past 48 hours have been a tale and a half. We have recently had a new electric fire installed today that is gleaming brightly as we speak and tomorrow we have a gentleman coming out to fit some new wooden blinds in both the living room and bedrooms. My bank balance has taken a hit and the words “How much?!” have been shouted more than once since finding out the cheapest blinds have set us back £450!

Healthy eating is going rather well apart from yesterday evening between 8.30-8.45 when I reached into my purse for a tasty cinema treat. Before going to the cinema I had a blue riband yesterday (only 99 calories) and I have been sticking to my occasional muller rice than the chocolate. My confession was that Mr Ben & Jerry made an appearance at the cinema last night however I paid for it today by doing a double workout.

I’ve slipped down the stairs (for the umpteenth time- I’m so clumsy and bruised my leg) however am ok just sore. Again the word goon comes to mind.

On the subject of exercise I have been completing something called 30 day shred by Jillian Michaels.

From my last post my entire body has been killing me and no woman has ever made me wanna change like she is. This is me time and I’m loving it exercising in my living room. Some have scrutinised Jillian for being the hardest trainer in the world along with other malicious comments however this woman is working me out senseless and it’s paying off. If I have a figure like hers then I’d be beaming from ear to ear. I’m sore but sticking it out.

On the topic of having some spare time I went to see the Great Gatsby at the cinema with my friend last night. As usual my friend and I always have a wail of a time and yesterday was no exception. Prior to the film we had a cold glass of wine before watching the picture. My conclusion was that Gatsby wasn’t a poor picture in fact it was rather good however didn’t excite me the way I thought.

Personally I believe Gatsby has been hyped too much by the press over the past year and has come across as a bit of a let down to some fans. From the songs I’ve heard the soundtrack’s going to be a belter and the costumes were just delightful-typical of the 1920’s. Overall a canny film.. Plus Leonardo Dicaprio didn’t disappoint and is as hot as ever. He’s like a fine wine.. getting better with age.

To conclude today’s post. Make exercise a part of your life. Exercise isn’t to everyone’s liking however can benefit you in the long run. No-one likes the idea of hurting the following day however it ensures that we are keeping our minds active and our bodies healthy.

Epilepsy causes stress, exercise can help to condense the stress we have therefore wouldn’t it not be easier to do something that will help you? Sometimes it’s best to push ourselves and to see how strong we really are because you’re stronger than what you think.

P:S Eurovision’s on tomorrow night. Will you be watching? I may just tune in for the UK’s entry and the point scoring. I’m predicting a low score however am hoping Bonnie Tyler will do us Brits proud. Howay Bonnie! 🙂