Helping one another. What’s wrong with that?

“As you grow older you’ll discover you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others”- Audrey Hepburn.

Audrey my goodness what a woman, what a Hollywood goddess. This woman like many other actresses of the fifties and sixties are well known for their poise, their acting abilities and beauty. With Audrey Hepburn she made us all believe that we too could have Breakfast at Tiffany’s and that there was an alternate world outside of our daily routine.

Although Audrey is renowned for her elegance and star quality the one thing that touches me the most is her humanitarian work and how she as an individual threw herself into a charity called Unicef and eventually becoming a goodwill ambassador. I get the impression from reading her stories that although she was extremely proud of her achievements on screen that the one she would want to be associated with most was her humanitarian work.

After reading a recent article with tonight’s quote in it got me thinking. Is it deemed a great importance to assist others who require your help or is life about solely looking after yourself?

To me maybe it’s a bit of both.

My interpretation of this evening’s quote is pretty simple. If you have knowledge pass it on. If you feel uncomfortable saying it out loud then write it down. Either way under no circumstance shoould you be scrutinised. How can you be scrutinised for something you’re feeling? By sharing your understanding can enable others to come forward and put their emotions on the table.

I can however see the role reversal when it comes to helping others too because there is the possibility that you may fluff up a few feathers because there’s people out there your bound to have a crossed word with. You have to have that feeling of self worth.

What you also have to bare in mind is that helping shouldn’t come at a cost. Helping others with Epilepsy awareness is something that is a phenomenal thing however shouldn’t result in upset.

I think there has to be that happy medium in which you can only help someone who wants to be helped. If they don’t want to be helped then unfortunately you can’t wave a magic wand and do that for them. All the love in the world can reassure them however they have to make that leap.

Whilst writing this post tonight I know in myself that I don’t know Epilepsy as a condition in it’s entirety i.e. I don’t know the medical jargon that comes with neurological explanations of what Epilepsy is however what I do know is how Epilepsy has effected me hence me writing Sazzle’s blog.

When my seizures returned in my late teens the little bubble I’d kept myself in for so long burst with immediate effect and here I was feeling alone, feeling sorry for myself and afraid that yet again I’d disappoint the people I loved with this massive burden.

I remember once sitting alone in my dorm at University thinking to myself that there was no way that I could ever help myself let alone others. My world and everything in it appeared magnified and I couldn’t stop the room from spinning. After writing down my emotions in my Epilepsy diary I started to realise that my Epilepsy could be a part of me for the rest of my life and that until I made peace with it then there was no fraction of me changing.

I remember as clear as day that it took me six years after that point to start making some sense of what my condition was and to accept that it had returned. Looking back I wish I’d done it sooner.

As you are all aware growing up with Epilepsy is something that can be challenging and lately it’s been testing my patience. Not only is the weather changing but my increase in headaches is quite frankly pissing me off. The seizures have stayed away for some time now and as for my shakes they come and go when they please however it’s the headaches that have fuelled my temper with my condition.

I know within myself that I’m eating relatively healthy (minus a couple of biscuits rounded off with a mug of milky tea) however to be honest I know this is a result of my medication side effects therefore have to keep telling myself that irrespective of resting when I return home from work, taking paracetemol every four hours and doing light exercise that it could be far worse and the seizures could return.

My on-going battle with my condition is something that has stretched back for many a year. It’s been like a love hate relationship.

One minute I’m walking with my head held high without a care in the world and within ten minutes I’ve either got a dull headache, lost sensation in my face, shaking or am full of hell. To this day my neurologists and I appreciate that this could be my side effects from my medication therefore it’s a matter of knowing what’s right for me and appreciating that I cannot always go full steam ahead on those particular days.

As I write this I’ve stumbled across something on my twitter timeline that I’d like to share with you all that may put this post into perspective. Whether it be Epilepsy awareness or life in general this is something to maybe take on board and to appreciate that life is for living.

Excluding the last two sentences put “I choose” at the start of each sentence..

To live by choice, not by chance.
To make changes, not excuses.
To be motivated, not manipulated.
To be useful, not used.
To excel, not complete.
I choose self esteem, not self pity.
I choose to listen to my inner voice not the random opinions of others.

If only I’d seen this ten years ago then maybe things would have been different however that’s what life’s all about isn’t it? It’s about being knocked down and proving to yourself that you can get back up. It’s about accepting that as the verse says above that by helping others we are excelling not remaining incomplete when awareness is concerned because we too have a story to tell therefore share away.

As for the remainder of my week.

Well.. It’s bloody chucking it down with rain in the UK. Walking to my husband’s car this evening cold rain blowing into my face, wet jeans sticking to my legs and the fur from my coat hood stuck to my eye there was this part of me thinking whisk me away to somewhere hot because there’s got to be more to life than this blinking weather!

Not only did I have fur in my eye however returning home was even funnier with a split in my jeans, the cat sniffing my leg like I was a bit eye candy for him and my eyes looking like a panda. Sitting back now all nice and dry I do see the funnier side of it. You’ve gotta laugh don’t you?

Exercise wise. I’m doing light exercise because of the headaches but I keep telling myself anything’s better than nothing. Food wise apart from the odd biscuit at work I’m getting there…

To conclude today’s post. Everyone needs help. Everyone struggles with something or another in life whether you choose to show it or not.

With me it’s the questioning I’ve had with my health and how everyday I learn something new about my loved ones, the people I surround myself with, the work I do but most importantly the interaction I have with you all.

You have given me that sense of self help therefore I would like to dedicate this post to you all. As corny as this sounds without you and your positivity towards me as a person and not just a condition then I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Combined with the people I love, the counselling I’ve recently ended and writing my thought process down you have given me that sense of wanting more and continuing to spread awareness and for that I’m eternally grateful.

Make each day count.

“Don’t just count the days, make the days count”- Muhammad Ali

I could sit and watch footage of Muhammad Ali every day and it still wouldn’t bore me. Not only is he the greatest boxer the world has ever known but the dedication in his eyes when he’s up against his opponent is second to none. His cheeky one liners grab your attention and the excellence that is the man himself is unprecedented.

Today’s quote is something whether you have Epilepsy or not that should mean something.

Making each day count is one of the philosophies I’d like to abide by even though some days I feel like jacking it all in and giving up.

I say this because the amount of people who’ve come to me this month saying “How quick has this year gone” is unbelievable. The years literally pass you by.

My interpretation of today’s quote is this.

Making each day count is something that unfortunately some of us fail to do me included. We go through life day in day out sticking to the same routine. Although routine can keep us focused sometimes shaking up the routine a bit can have an impact on your day without you even realising it.

Lately I’ve been extremely tired wanting each day to hurry up so I can go to bed and rest my eyes. The headaches haven’t been as frequent as they were a few weeks ago and fortunately the shakes have subsided for the time being.

Whilst reading what I’m writing I too have fallen to the “wishing your life away” train of thought hoping the weekend will be upon us and not actually enjoying the week I’ve just had.

Compared to others I’ve had the pleasure of speaking to I’ve been extremely fortunate that my seizures haven’t been as frequent however when they have occurred they’ve drained me, they’ve made me feel disappointed in myself and made me feel like I was back to square one.

I don’t know about you all however I’ve got into the habit of keeping a record of my seizures/shakes and monitoring them daily writing the symptoms in a notepad to identify possible trends.

As soon as I’ve got past the week mark without any shakes I feel extremely proud of what I’ve achieved and feel like I need to celebrate with a mini bar of chocolate or in my case at least two. You feel like you’re on a roll like your condition is getting better only to feel disheartened when they return.

I don’t know how many times I’ve fancied like shouting the words “For fucks sake” when they do make an appearance.

I hate the idea of being unwell because I feel like there’s insufficient hours in the day to begin with let alone having to take time out to rest. Although the F bomb has been shouted on numerous occasions I’m learning as I get older to accept that my condition is who I am therefore I have to try and carry on the best I can.

Since writing this blog I’ve noticed a pattern within us all. The disappointment of a fit is something that makes us feel agitated questioning why they’re occurring. I think what we all need to do is show our episodes however small they are a red card.

Unfortunately showing a red card doesn’t necessarily prevent the seizure from taking control however by placing that red card in front of ourselves may make us see that although they’ve arrived we won’t be defeated.

Like in a football match (soccer for my friends overseas) a red card may mean you miss a few games however doesn’t mean you’re out of action for the rest of the season. It just means that you’re telling yourself that you won’t be controlled, that you’ll have your rest time and resume when you’re ready to do so. Like a car you cannot drive without any fuel in the tank, the same applies with your body.

Life isn’t always about testing yourself. It’s about learning to be happy with who you are. It’s about knowing that time is of the essence, it’s times we should be spending time with each other, with loved ones and enjoying our own company.

As for the rest of the day..

My husband and I have been kitchen and bathroom shopping. We are contemplating doing out both rooms in the next few months and are in the process of gathering data, receiving quotes and sitting there wondering where the cats going to sleep- he currently sleeps on every unit in the kitchen. You all know I love our Benny.

The second thing is not the mess but where the hell am I going to wash my hair? I know you’re all probably thinking that should be the last of my worries however come on!

You ladies reading this may be with me on this one however my hair is renowned for sticking up like a hens arse at the best of times let alone cutting off my bathroom supply. Looks like it could be a sink job.. actually come to think of it I may make a detour to my mothers. I may ask her to make my tea while I’m at it and take over a large quantity of ironing! Good thinking!

The healthy eating has been going according to plan. Exercise will take place this evening. After watching an advert (infomercial) I cam across an exercise DVD set called slim in 6. I was sucked in from the get go. Let me explain..

Here I was sitting at 5.45am this morning coffee in hand with my eyes touching the floor sitting gorping at this woman’s figure thinking to myself ” I want to be slim in 6″.

Actually come to think of it I think it was the rather nice low fat chocolate dessert in her meal plan that swayed me not the resistance bands she was using that I know would smack me in the face if I gave them a go! Anyhow I was sold. 3 easy pays of £16!

As for tonight it’s the white queen finale and I literally cannot wait. The husband’s going upstairs to watch his dose of match of the day while I sit there cuppa in hand watching the scandal unfold. I know what’s coming however cannot help myself. Nothing beats a good drama on a Sunday evening before work the following day.

To conclude today’s post. Make each day count.

Don’t look to the past create room for your future but better yet live for the now. Don’t keep looking at your watch just try and embrace what’s right in front of you. Life would be so much simpler if we erased negativity from our minds however even I know you cannot do this 100% of the time. Don’t keep counting the days enjoy your days and have fun!

Anger vs Happiness.

“For every minute you’re angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness”- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Happiness. What is it exactly?

In my opinion happiness is when you have that overwhelming sense of pride in your tummy. It’s the grin that resembles the Cheshire cat out of Alice in Wonderland and it’s the feeling of knowing that something or someone has made you feel so happy.

Today isn’t going to be like my usual posts. It’s going to be smidge shorter for one however today is going to be homing in on happiness as a whole and whether getting yourself angry over the slightest thing has a drastic impact on that happiness.

Over the years I’ve found I have a little bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character in me. I think we all to an extent.

I don’t think we ever stumble through life constantly being angry or bursting with pride every second of every day I think we can revert our feelings very quickly from one extreme to another without even realising.

Upon diagnosis there was this misconception as to what my Epilepsy was.

In relation to my anxiety and the mild attacks I’d have I’d feel like I was letting the side down by not enjoying myself and choosing to stay indoors instead of going through the motions. This in itself would create that feeling of frustration thus turning me into Angry Saz.

This alternate side of me was something I didn’t particularly like however when I was in my angry zone I couldn’t think clearly. What I should have done was accept the frustration I had and acknowledge this frustration in order to carry out the remainder of the day.

A question for you all? Do any of you get those moments where you feel like you’re not grasping the task in front of you? Do you ever feel that it doesn’t matter how many times you try you’re not quite there?

If you answer yes to any of these questions how do you cope or better still how do you deviate from allowing yourself to feeling overwhelmed?

Well this is what I have a tendency to get a little subdued in times of change. I’m all for embracing change in my head and encourage this when I approach others however when it comes tome taking own advice and putting this into practice then I’m stumped.

As I document my feelings onto Sazzle’s blog I start to forward instead of back wanting to live my life in the present and not in the past. Although my past has taught me a significant amount of life skills it’s also taught me that living in the past is something I want to do on a regular basis. Been there, done that and worn the sodding TShirt.

On the flip side life is for living and it’s definitely for the now.

Happiness should be at the forefront of your mind along with the people you want to ensure are happy such as your partner, your children but most importantly yourself. As you can gather my happiness is spending time amongst family, friends, having the odd glass of wine and making a complete fool of myself. If I had a choice I would choose this place every single time.

Epilepsy is something that I’ve believed for years has tested my happiness. It’s made me question what I need to do to maintain that element of happiness when I am having those shaky bouts and times of demotivation.

From blogs I’ve read previously and conversations I’ve had with others. In times of anger don’t over evaluate what you’re doing but see where the anger will get you and where it will lead you.

Although you may find that anger may remove the stresses you have think of the consequences it will have on your day and whether kicking off will actually benefit you at all. Think logically and know that whatever storm you’re currently in will pass on the basis you want it to pass.

Should your condition be troubling you then look at what could be causing the problem. Is it a side effect of your meds? Is it the fact that you’re just had a seizure and you’re disappointed with yourself or if you like me is it something as trivial as cutting your tongue and wondering how you’re going to enjoy a drink of juice without it stinging?

There’s usually an answer to everything, it’s how you react to that answer is key therefore don’t allow it to dominate your life.

As for the remainder of the day. Rather boring really. I’m due to exercise shortly so that should be rather fun (yawn), the healthy eating is going remarkably well considering I want to eat everything in the house and the cat finally has fresh cat litter.

Our Benny bless him has hurt his paw. The vet has noticed an inch cut on the inside of one of his claws possibly as a result of climbing tress.

Earlier on in the week we decided to take the cat to the vet. Not only was he stressed to the hilt vomiting and soiling himself in his cat carrier he was pushed and shoved by the vet roughly that made me rather upset. When it comes to animals I’m a soppy bugger however wasn’t feeling that soppy when I found out how much the vet bill was going to be.

For the second time in a couple of months I’ve harped on about vets bills. £74! How much? For an injection, a shaved paw and a course of medicine. Scandalous that’s what that is! The standard medical prescription for humans is approximately £8, but bloody £74 is crazy! Never mind I love him and he’s getting better therefore I’m feeling happier.

To conclude today’s post. You can’t prevent being angry every now and again. That’s human nature however think of the consequences before making rash decisions. Understand what makes you tick and try to prevent those emotions flaring up by taking up a hobby or organising a night out with friends.

Happiness should be something we make a priority like we do our loved ones. Remember what makes us happier and translate that to the ones we care for. Don’t lose valuable time, create it.

Being a product of my own decisions.

There’s some things in life we cannot change such as being made redundant, needing to take our children to the hospital when they’re unwell and having a condition we cannot control.

This afternoons quote is one courtesy of twitter account @yestopositivity. The site is not only an excellent source to obtain quotes but writes quotes that make me want to throw in my input.

The quote of today is:

“I am not a product of my circumstances I’m a product of my decisions”- Steven Covey

Decision making can sometimes put you in an awkward position particularly when friends and family are concerned.

Questions are usually raised such as “Will I make the right decision” or “Am I going to offend anybody by making this decision” or finally “Will that decision have an impact on others?”

These are the three questions that were at the forefront of my mind when making a decision.

Nowadays I think about the other person however I need to realise there’s a fine line between not offending someone and being treat like rubbish. I remember when I was about nine years old I was put in an awkward position. My Epilepsy was pretty much in it’s infancy and I had friends who couldn’t quite decipher what my Epilepsy was, come to think of neither could I.

Within six months some of my friends disappeared, whether this be childhood behaviour or whether they didn’t want to hang around with me because of my condition I can’t answer and to this day I still don’t know why we went our separate ways. Let’s just say that looking back they were as ignorant as I was when it came to my condition as I was oblivious as to what I was.

I held no grudge I just knew that I was changing and times were moving ever so fast. It was only when I saw my friend having a seizure in the centre of the play-yard that I started to question where Epilepsy stood in my life and what I’d need to do to defend myself.

That’s the way Epilepsy made me feel when it came into my life. I was on constant alert trying to defend myself from the Epilepsy itself not necessarily the people wanting answers.

Life is a funny old thing and something I write about repeatedly because we have to evolve to keep up with how quick life is passing us by. People may read this and say that I’m being ever so serious however I still feel like a teenager. I

I don’t feel like a 28 year old woman working full time with her own mortgage to pay, husband to care for and cat to feed. In my eyes I still have feelings of a 16 year old wondering when I’m gonna wake up and see what the past 12 years have brought.

Previously I was a person who would fall in line with everyone else. Nowadays I’m starting to see that I have a voice, a one that wants to be heard and needs to be more outspoken about the issues worrying her hence writing this blog. As times progressed I have had more of a voice particularly surrounding subjects such as family, friends and my general lifestyle.

Making decisions shouldn’t scare you it should be something that makes you proud that you are making that decision on your own. Sometimes you may need advice to determine what decision you make and that’s perfectly fine as long as you understand why and how that decision is made then there should be no looking back.

Over the years I’ve spoken to people in support groups the majority of whom wished they could have changed the decisions they once made about their condition. Like me they wanted so desperately for their worries to disintegrate and for them to fade into the background because their concerns brought them down to the point of no return. My heart went out for these very same individuals who wanted to feel normal.

Upon analysing these discussions I remember thinking that although I had my insecurities I couldn’t and wouldn’t get to the stage they once did.

The thought had entered my mind after a cluster of seizures however I understood that by not accepting my condition that I’d do more damage than good therefore made it a priority to change. Rome wasn’t built in a day or so my therapist once said. It can take a year, ten years or in my case twenty years to see where changes could have been made.

It’s so easy to hide behind something.

In my case it was my condition. You may experience something similar and you know what? You won’t be the only one trust me. What I would say (and I did this once myself) is write down what your strengths are and how you help others. You may think ” I don’t help people” but I bet you you do without realising. Offering advice, having a conversation with someone and just listening is helping. You mightn’t think it but you are.

Then on the other side write the aspects of your personality (not your past, medication you’d like to change etc) that you would like to work on to feel happier about yourself. Once you’re done grab a cup of tea/coffee/juice have a break.. and have a kit kat. Nah I’m only joking.

Soak in what you’ve just written and see how hard that actually was. See what you’re capable of and what you’re capable of achieving because I believe in the people I talk to online that they are caring, considerate people who want what’s best for me therefore want what’s right for yourself. If you still can’t see the wood for the trees then speak to your partner, friend, relative and they will give you an honest answer if you ask for it.

As for today’s events. I haven’t been up to much really.

Went for a “browse” with my husband earlier this morning. A browse turned into a new floaty blouse and a sandwich.

So much for me browsing. I purchased a top and a sandwich. I had a birthday voucher to spend from last month so I was quids in! Woo hoo!

The chores are done, the food is prepared for tomorrow and my exercise is complete for today. After trying to put off the exercise all afternoon I stomached it half an hour ago and are rather sore however somewhat pleased with how far I’m prepared to push myself to achieve results.

Food wise again I’ve been rather good. I succumbed to a Millies cookie with my cup of coffee however have remained “junk free”. This evening is all about the mince dinner therefore I intend to devour every bit of my plate and feel full and satisfied later. In doing so this should prevent me from wanting sweet treats! Fingers crossed.

To conclude today’s post. Don’t let your circumstances prevent you from being your own boss. As I’ve said numerous times there’s some things that are out of our control however you are a product of your own decision making process. When you’re younger you’re bound to have the odd flop because you’re growing up. Growing older it’s about putting those experiences you’ve already learnt into practice to move forward.

There’s a saying by Christian D Larson in which he says:

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know there is something inside of you greater than any obstacle”

I cannot top that. Enough said.

Spreading your wings.

Good evening everyone, hope you’re all having a rather pleasant Thursday. After all it’s Friday tomorrow and you know what that means? The weekend is here and I cannot wait because I’m getting an IPad mini.. Get in there!

My word what a day I’ve had.. Trying to make something more exciting than what it is really.

Today has consisted of work, work and more work before being topped off with a half hour of 30 day shred (level 3 I may add, the heat was definitely on) and a rather tasty tuna pasta made courtesy of moi.

You can tell there’s literally nothing in the house. There’s nothing worse than feeling hungry, opening your cupboards and staring at the emptiness.

I’d like to call these Thursday night’s “Tuna pasta” nights because there’s bugger all until tomorrow evening when we go food shopping. It’s either that or beans on toast.. and I’m sick of beans on toast. I cannot stand the smell of filtered beans because it stinks to high heaven! Throw in a toot from the cat and you’ve got a mixture of beans and kitty kat. Not a nice concoction.

Well enough talk about my tuna pasta evenings let’s rattle off the quote of the day:

“You were born with wings so why prefer to crawl through life?”- Rumi

Now this is a statement that could be perceived as being a mixed bag of emotions however does have some meaning to it.

When I read this the first thing that came to mind was what is Rumi’s definition of crawling through life? Is it that we are just getting by or is it that we should be making the most of the life we have.

I’d like to think it’s the second option because everyone’s financial circumstances are different, their circumstances can alter due to underlying medical conditions or having to quit their job to care for others. It all depends upon your own setup and how far you are prepared to go to push yourself to make yourself happy.

With a condition like Epilepsy there are restrictions there’s no two ways about it and this can be caused by a multitude of things. Side effects are another thing that can damage confidence and make you feel down.

Like anxiety Epilepsy can prevent you from taking the next step out of fear you’ll have an episode. By having an episode on a new task can trigger other underlying anxieties resulting in it taking years for you to tackle that challenge again. I understand this because I had a similar experience myself when I was younger.

Lately I’ve found that my hands and arms shake of an evening. Not my usual shaky bouts but small things like opening a can of beans or putting on a bed spread is extremely difficult because I have no real grip. Holding a pen or a cup is perfectly fine but gripping for a long period of time is quite hard.

I hate the idea of asking for help with anything. My doctors think this shaking could be down to my years of convulsing and shaky bouts. This is my long lasting effect however this is something I’m having to get used to.

For me change is something that has to sink in. It’s something that scared me as a child and still does on occasion. Little things like changing my work pattern, making sure I have sufficient money in my purse to pay for something or not knowing what’s for tea is something that throws me off guard slightly.

It’s only when I take a step back that I realise that these are little things that I shouldn’t really be worrying about. It’s a matter of just going with the flow.

As I’ve got older I’ve identified side effects from my medication such as headaches, tiredness, lack of concentration, feeling demotivated, the occasional bouts of paranoia and just general lousiness. To explain a task to one person may take ten minutes, me it takes about ten days for it to fully register. Why? Because my mind isn’t fixated on the task it’s elsewhere, where I couldn’t tell you but I know I’m not digesting this information straight away that’s for certain.

This lack of concentration used to really eat me up inside because I thought I wasn’t normal.

Rewind ten years ago and here I am sitting at university with my pals watching them writing and referring back to various references in textbooks, participating and asking questions that I could only dream of asking. Me I was sitting there delirious wanting to go into the big wide world and earn some cash instead of sitting in a lecture hall doing a degree that I didn’t want to be enrolled on.

I was doing what I thought I should be doing and not what I actually wanted to do.

When I’m interested in something that’s when I learn. You give me something I’m not fussed on and you’ll get nothing out of me bar mumbo jumbo about everything bar the subject. I blamed my meds for a period of time and to a degree believe my meds have contributed towards my lack of concentration, that and wanting to be everywhere at once.

Having a condition for the majority of my lifetime made me feel like I was inadequate, like I was never up to the job. Taking medication became a chore and the constant trialling meds and tests were draining my resources.

I was half arsed with a lot of things for a long period of time however when it came to working and earning money then that was a completely different ballgame. .

This was the one time where I refused for my Epilepsy to bring me down. I had to work. I wanted to help my mam, go for nights out, buy clothes, makeup and just do usual girly things.

My way of thinking back then was if my seizures got too bad then I’d have to think differently however if I can I will and that was the one line that would stick in my head everytime I had a rough patch with my condition.

Before thinking this way I felt at times like there was no way I was spreading my wings in a hurry.. It was only when I returned home that I was informed by the people who loved me most that it took more of a person to accept fault than it did continuing in something I didn’t actually want for myself.

My gran said something once that is rather similar to Rumi’s quote. She said that when a child’s a baby you give them room to crawl, you help them to get their wings and then when they’re older they should have the knowledge to spread their wings and do their own thing.

I never really thought I had wings.. till now. Maybe I just doubted myself too much.

Life can sometimes throw so many challenges that can either frustrate you or elate you. It’s the how we react to that challenge differentiates us from others. Having a lousy attitude doesn’t accomplish anything. Having the right attitude can usually get you through tough times ahead.

As I sit here now occasionally sipping my cuppa I have noticed that my outlook on life is changing and that I now feel like I can spread my wings and attempt to leave my past behind me. Once I ran from my Epilepsy, I turned my back on anxiety and cried at the prospect of worrying another day therefore thought it was only right to start changing this trend, this pattern that wouldn’t spur me on but bring me down.

Now I worry when I need to, anxiety will never be far away but I muster on and as for my shaky bouts well they come and go as they please. My shakes are a part of me so what can you do?

On all three aspects I’m noticing that having the right attitude can help you.

What if shouldn’t come into the equation. If you have a life of what if’s then you will be constantly worrying about what’s round the corner and how it’s going to effect you. This is something you should try and move away from but do it as and when you’re ready.

As for this evenings event’s food’s been relatively healthy, exercise has been upped a notch and I’m now on level 3 of Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred and it’s going well. The eating is more of a nightmare than the exercise however I’ve been told that perseverance is what I need to do when changing my eating regime therefore needs must. Thank you all for your advice. I really have needed it these past few days.

To conclude today’s post. Spread your wings when you’re ready however try to change slightly the little things that you feel are niggling at you. Someone once said (and as crazy as this sounds) look in the mirror and give yourself a damn good talking to. If you are afraid to go to others then talk to yourself like you are your own self help guide. I did it once and I didn’t half feel better.

Time is a great healer and if you believe in yourself then there’s no reason why you can’t progress and learn to accept the condition you have. People have different strengths it’s about finding what’s right for you. You will get there eventually. Trust me you will.

Letting go.. you can’t help everybody.

Good afternoon everyone. What a weekend we are having.

I thought we were forecast for glorious sunshine however the weather has well and truly turned. It’s belting it down with rain, the flowers are overjoyed at the idea that they’re going to get a damn good drink and the cats dodging the rain as we speak to hide for cover underneath the car.

Usually I rattle off a quote however today it’s more of getting something off my chest.

Apologies for not blogging yesterday I had a blinding headache all day. My husband’s attempt to take me into Newcastle for a coffee and a browse swayed me for part of the day however with the greatest intentions in the world my headache wasn’t shifting irrespective of staying hydrated and taking two paracetemol every four hours. Never mind.

This is one thing about headaches I cannot stand. They can well and truly ruin your day depending upon the severity. If you have a migraine well you might as well write the day off.

The feeling that you’re hallucinating isn’t the nicest and the pain is excruciating. No matter how many tablets you pop that pain isn’t subsiding for a while. The sickness sinks in and you feel like rubbish. As for the remainder of the headache family they too are a pain in the arse however they are doable I suppose.. relax, stay hydrated, eat regularly (if you can) and just try to remain calm.

Yesterday was a day where I couldn’t be bothered. Although my coffee went down rather nicely at mid-day the day didn’t go swimmingly well.

Recently I’ve felt like I’m running at full steam ahead and want others to come running with me. I experienced a similar pattern when my cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) ceased.

Now I had this sort of newfound lease of life I wanted to help everyone. Now I was on my road to recovery I wanted to assist everyone else. I wanted to teach them that life was for living and feeling sorry for yourself wasn’t an option even though I still had my moments on occasion. I wanted them to help themselves as I was trying to help myself. Unfortunately my want didn’t go according to plan.

I would like to think that I’m a family orientated person who has a large space in her heart for her family.

I would do anything for my family however know at times that although you love them you won’t always like the decisions they make. Either way you have to stand by, watch and hope for the best.

Since I was a child I wanted my life to exceed more than I could ever have imagined. From those who’ve read my blog from the beginning are aware of my successes and shortfalls. I have made no secret about those.

When I made the crucial decision to want to move forward and leave my anxiety at the back door I thought that everyone else would be in unison with me. Although my family’s support was there, there was one person who I couldn’t quite help.. My mam.

From earlier posts I have explained in great detail the relationship I have with my mother and the fact that although my parents ended their relationship at an early age we have remained a close knit family who come together in times of need.

A third party looking in would look at the relationship my parents have and think that they were best of friends that’s because they are. The decisions we have made are not of a family divided but a family that come together like a normal family unit should.

When my parents split up there was always this disheartened feeling from my end on the hope that my parents would reconcile however this wasn’t meant to be. My mam was never bitter and has always been extremely independent so much so that in my eyes decisions are extremely hard for her to make. I want nothing more than my mam to be happy and to be treat with the respect that she deserves.

My mam like a significant amount of parents out there has given me everything she could possibly offer without putting us in financial ruin. She has been constructive of me at times and have clashed like parents do with their children however the one thing I want for my mam is to get out there, find someone and be happy. I want her to show the world what she’s made of because she’s bloody marvellous.

I have sat on numerous occasions both over the telephone and face to face with my mam chatting endlessly about what we want for one another. Yesterday was a prime example of this. She was questioning me, I tend to misinterpret what she’s saying, get snappy and the end result is tears from my end because I feel bad for disrespecting my mother.

I wouldn’t change my mam’s personality nor would I change her appearance however I just want her to see that she’s worth more than what she thinks and that routine can be broken.

She has instilled the drive into me that she should want for herself and I want her to see that she needs to take her own advice, have a good time and move forward.

My mam has always put me first as I try to do with her.

Every time there’s a problem with my mam I feel accountable, not that she’s asked me to be however I cannot help myself. Growing in a house where there was just my mam and I (my nana lived with us till I was ten years old) there was bound to be friction however there was also a bond formed that could never be broken. As a mother would care for her child I felt responsible to so the same. Now that may seem rather silly to some however this is the way I am.

From having a condition such as Epilepsy I have grown to be someone who doesn’t believe in quitting because when you fall if you refuse to get back up then you’re only disappointing yourself.

When I came off the telephone I referred back to the sessions I had with Bob and started to put his theory into practice. For years my mother and I have had this battle of wills and it was about time for me to let go.

I don’t wish to portray this nasty picture of my mother as she loves me dearly however I can’t hide the way I feel. I have said for years that I will let my mam “Do what she wants to do” however have always sunken back into old habits and have possibly interfered when it’s not appropriate.

This is the thing. You can will for someone to be a certain way, you can hope someone will turn out the way you want however only they can make the decision to move forward. If they feel like their life is just fine the way it is then you must allow them to make their own decisions and to find out for themselves which path is right for them.

With me it’s taken 20 years for me to document my emotions and to lay my cards out on the table. Maybe my parents could see my faults however chose to do the opposite of me and after years of persuasion eventually kept their mouths shut so I could learn the hard way. I always took into account their guidance and drew my own conclusion off that.

Standing still I’m now thinking that I need to take that step back and allow them to lead their own lives even though they have a desired input in mine. Maybe I feel this way because I’m not yet a parent therefore don’t fully understand my parents’ way of thinking. Hopefully I will one day.

On a lighter note my eating has been going rather well. My mother in law brought over a cupcake yesterday that I had with a cuppa. The exercise is a hurdle however I’m getting there and thinking of my figure in the long term. I don’t want to lose weight I just want to remain toned.

As for my purchases well… I’ll not bore you with all the details however my new Nails Inc emerald colour arrived courtesy of the Nails Inc online site. My word.. what a colour. For those who wish to purchase the colour is Queen Victoria Street and it’s £11. Yes I know it’s expensive but well worth it.

Other’s included a new floral top and a bare minerals pink kit that consisted of a new blusher, eyeshadows, an eye liner and a gorgeous sheer pink lipgloss. Delightful.

To conclude today’s post. Helping yourself is something that is required in order for you to accept and appreciate who you are in the long term. If you have a condition coming to terms with that can be a milestone and can make you see that although you have it this shouldn’t prevent you from reaching your goals.

In my case I’m getting there. You cannot help everyone all of the time because they can interpret differently what life is all about.

Sometimes offering advice can come across as interfering at times and although it upsets you, you have to adhere at times to their wishes and take a step back. It’s hard but needs must.

I can’t help myself.

Hiya everyone a quick blog post from me tonight.

Tonight’s post is all about seeking your opinion as the reader and seeing whether you are all similar to the way I am. I’m writing this with a stonking headache and knowing that deep down I should jack in the exercise and overthinking because I’m physically shattered however there is this part of my mind that for whatever reason won’t let go.

Earlier I said I wouldn’t blog because I was going to lie down however I just cannot rest. My minds working overtime and for no reason whatsoever.

I’m feeling groggy, picking fault with myself, not eating the chocolate however thinking my hips look larger than normal. Overall this evening has been a bit of a right off. The only good thing to come from it was the clothes I’ve been eying up in my look magazine that I can hint at the parents for my birthday next week.

This evening’s behaviour is what I’d like to call the obsessive Saz. The Saz who offers advice as to love yourself however has days where she cannot help herself, where she nit picks at herself and who cannot just take those baby steps to achieve the little things. She has to pile the pressure on to the point where she doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. Do you all get that feeling?

When I was diagnosed with Epilepsy I felt at the tender age of 8 of having to prove to everyone that I could do it. Do what exactly? Deep down I didn’t know what. All I knew was that I had to supersede my own expectations and do it the only way I knew how… to pile the pressure on myself to the point where I’d wanna let off steam then feel shit afterwards because I looked like a complete tool ranting and raving for no reason whatsoever.

Tonight I sought advice from my other half about this issue and asked how I could help myself. Today has been a day of returning back to work after a long weekend, getting my head down and going through the motions. Towards the end of the day my head was in the clouds and I was panicking at the fact that we had to travel to the vets nearby to get the cat’s neck checked out. Our Benny’s neck appears to have a slight infection as a result of an old cat wound. It’s not effecting him however we know it’s there and has no signs of fading.

The appointment was booked. Within minutes of finding out the panic crept in. Whizzing round my head was how are we going to get the cat into his travel case and will he be crying the whole way there? How much is this going to set me back (£49 to be precise for a week’s worth of antibiotics) and how am I going to react. Not long after thinking this I then started questioning when I was going to get my exercise in, what we were going to have for dinner and whether I’d have sufficient time to write my blog.

What the fuck was the matter with me? What’s with all the panic? I couldn’t see straight and I was freaking out. What the bloody hell for?

Before I knew it I burst into tears and couldn’t comprehend why. Do any of you feel the same as me in times like this?

Initially I started getting deja vu on the wardrobe malfunction last month however realised that I had come a long way since then and should have seen sense.

After sitting with my other half, grabbing a cuppa and having a good talking to I started to see that all this wasn’t worth it. I was told to read through my own previous posts and words of encouragement and to see that taking baby steps will ensure that your daily goals are met without the worry of not achieving them. To give myself that time to relax will enable me to progress and to realise that Rome wasn’t build in a day will too give me the strength to continue.

For as long as I remember I have had flutters of panic. I can sit here and blame my anti-epileptic drugs however know that it’s not entirely their fault. Maybe it’s just years of second guessing has worn me out. Who knows? All I know now is that I cannot put my lap top down and stop writing. I need to get these thoughts of my chest and release the tension.

At times like these there are the slight moments of insecurity where I build a picture that hasn’t even formed yet. All I see is an outline and are straining to find the colour to finish it off.

Instead of counting my blessings I run before I can walk and add things up. What turned into something trivial turns into a tirade of concern. To think I was thinking about the vets. Before I knew it my life was banged to rights.

A couple of questions for you.

Do any of you know the reason why our minds behave in this fashion and if so why? Do you set yourself reminders and stick to them or do you feel that your day takes a different turn?

“Part of the happiness of life is not fighting battles but in avoiding them”- Norman Peale.

And I’m thinking. I’m thinking long and hard about that quote and are thinking that like others I’ve fought a battle all my life. A battle with myself that I’m sick and tired of doing. Confrontation at times is necessary, motivation drives you on and achieving those goals can be recognised however at what cost? I think you have to have a happy medium. None should be more important than another.

To conclude today’s post.

Following this evening’s questioning is that breaking routine is hard but crucial at times. Sod the pattern just do your best and that’s what I intend to do. Instead of putting all your eggs into one basket and worrying about falling over and breaking them all set yourself mini goals such as just walking the dog or coming home from work and JUST doing your exercise regime.Leave the remaining tasks for the following day.

In relation to the remaining tasks. Are they going anywhere? No they aren’t therefore why worry?

By changing this pattern can leave you feeling happy and not worthless inside. Maybe it’s about time I took my own advice and the advice from others. Maybe it’s about time I stopped acting stubborn and listened for a change, maybe then I may be able to help myself because I’m not that bad after all.

The joys of being heard.

“No matter what comes up in my life I know that this too will pass”

And it better had. I’m onto day seven and getting there.. gradually.

My chest has been throbbing over the past week and yesterday I was at the end of my tether. Talk about frustrated Saz I was feeling more like someone throw a pillow over my head type of Saz. Yesterday like the five days prior was all about feeling sorry for myself. I woke up Tuesday morning getting ready for work having just four hours sleep feeling like a bucket of shit and reaching for my makeup to make me look like I had an ounce of life in me.

It was safe to say that my Asthma had made a U turn for the worst and I refused (as stubborn as I am) after the four month ordeal of increased shaking, chicken pox and now this that I would be defeated. Surely someone out there wanted to listen and help. The people around me have been an absolute godsend however all the will in the world to help me get better was lovely and all however all I wanted was some antibiotics or oral steroids to take away the tightness.

In my mind although I knew rest was required I was adamant that I wasn’t going to take any further time off work for something like this. Silly as that sounds in my eyes I’ve always been someone who’s thought you never know what’s round the corner. It’s a bit like when you save for that rainy day. It’s raining all the time in the UK so no wonder I have no cash!

Joking aside there’s also the feeling that when you have a condition such as Epilepsy you’re on constant alert wondering when the next episode’s going to arrive and how long you’re going to be out for.

I work full time, this income pays the bills and apart from a couple of instances relating to my asthma (well one Asthma and one food poisoning that I did to myself however that’s another story altogether) the remainder of my time off is as a result of my condition when my body’s telling me enough’s enough and I cannot work.

As I’ve gotten a little older and possibly a little wiser I am trying my utmost to rest when I return from work and to take it easy however I would be a liar to say that there wasn’t this part of me that for whatever reason who has to be on the go all of the time. This could possibly be a side effect of my medication however even I’m uncertain on that one.

I’m all for relaxing and encouraging others to relax regularly however there’s this niggly thought in the back of my head urging me to do something else whilst I’m relaxing. It’s like my body and my mind aren’t in sync with one another. It’s like time waits for no man or woman in my case. My body and mind only miraculously come together in times of need, again something I’ve attempted to master as I’ve got older.

I’ve interpreted the quote written above as in waiting for the storm to pass and by gosh there have been a fair few storms in my time ranging from seizures, worries, medication issues and non stop crying. The only solace I seek from storms brewing is the fact that once the storm has gone the skies become clearer and eventually the sun will come out. That particular scenario sums up life in general. When you have a condition sometimes the storms are a little stronger.

As mentioned before you never know what’s round the corner. Now the ultimate question I will ask you all this evening is should we be sensible and save for that rainy day or do we allow ourselves that freedom to do what we like? Is there a middle ground and if so what is it?

My parents particularly my mam has always been one who has played it safe because she was a single parent bringing me up in a home where it was just her and I. As you’e all aware my mam and dad are good friends with him playing a significant role in my life along with other members of my family for support. To me looking back she was reluctant to give herself that freedom that I think she deserved.

Was this because she had a child therefore felt that the decisions she made had an impact on her only daughter? Possibly. Was it a money issue? More than likely however the one thing about my mam that I admire the most is that not only was she a loving mother who worked her socks off to provide for me she also had her head screwed on and was sensible.

Everytime I had a worry or again that niggly feeling she would sit there for hours on end listening, offering advice and bringing me that tub of chocolate ice cream to make me see that even the roughest of storms could be overcome.

My mam and I on the other hand had our fair share of arguments that I feel in mother/daughter relationships are normal. Without arguments the seas would be calm and you wouldn’t have an opinion, you’d just be this sheep like the rest of the herd plodding along singing to everyone else’s tune and to me that isn’t healthy.

I think the apprehension between my mam and I was as a result of a condition (along with teenage issues) that neither of us could control. My mam saw the majority of my seizures and it was effecting her. Having that person to lean on meant more to me than anything. I love my mother with everything I have and are extremely protective of her. Maybe it’s because it was just her and me. Maybe it’s because I want to portray to her that nothing can come between us and that I want to give back what she gave to me as a mother.

The first ten years of having Epilepsy were possibly the hardest and when the seizures returned towards the end of my teens I thought that was it for me. I had officially been tipped over the edge and couldn’t see no storm passing.

My life now in comparison to ten years ago is unrecognisable. Don’t get me wrong there’s still moments in which I question my own authority however when you get to a stage where you question yourself non stop then this is the time to stop. What I would advise you all to do is in moments of weakness look at what you’ve already accomplished and take it all in and write it all down.

For example:

Getting out of bed on a morning, going for a walk, eating healthily and telling yourself that you’re going to have to a fantastic day is a starting point for anyone.

Some people in this world don’t get the opportunity to even think that let alone do it therefore embrace what you have and set yourself that goal. Write down your feelings in a seizure diary and understand that life cannot be that bad. Seek support, advice and help if necessary just whatever you do don’t worry because it only fills up the free time you want to have.

On a lighter note ironically I did manage to make contact with my GP who gave me a week’s course of antibiotics. Apart from getting presents on Christmas day and birthdays I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to receive medication. How crazy is that?

When the GP called and said the words “I will give you some antibiotics to help you” I could have hugged him until the poor sod couldn’t breath. I called my husband immediately urging him to jump back into the car and get my medication. I think I told the whole world in just under an hour of my triumph! No battles had a patch on me. I was officially being heard and it felt so good.

I take medication every day if anything you’d think I’d want to throw it away however only this time I was jumping for joy. I was ecstatic because last night was the first night where I got a FULL (along with my husband) and yes in capital letters FULL night’s sleep without any interference. It was possibly psychological however those antibiotics knocked me out something senseless and I don’t think anything could have woke me up.. not even a sniff of a twirl would have got this northern lass out of bed. If it wasn’t for going to work it would be safe to say that I’d still be there.

From yesterday evening my instructions are to take my tablets three times a day. I have been informed that the antibiotics shouldn’t interfere with my anti-epileptic drugs therefore I’m good to go. My inhalers are to remain doubled up until my chest is strong enough and I’ve made a solemn promise that I won’t exercise till I’ve feeling better. As discussed with one of my twitter pals earlier I’m actually missing my exercise. Did anyone hear that right?

Is this a result of my slimpod encouraging me to exercise? No I’ve genuinely missed it. It’s weird isn’t it? The one thing you’re unable to do/have you want even more? That’s just human nature I suppose.

The healthy eating has been ok. No twirls have been consumed (it’s killing me mind) and I’ve replaced twirls for the one muller rice. Today’s food choices was a bowl of porridge, my usual two cups of coffee, a ham sandwich, a cup a soup, fruit and a homemade mince dinner. I’ve got the 160 figure in my head for the squat challenge to resume therefore I will aim to get back to my best on my return.

To conclude today’s post. To be heard makes us feel like we’re being noticed, like someone’s listening and that hopefully something positive will come from it. Being independent is an asset however being heard about your issues is something that shouldn’t be frowned upon but recognised.

Take the past week for instance. I point blank refused to be let down. Nowadays people feel like it’s the norm to be kicked down however I refuse for that to happen. There’s too many excuses nowadays and unfortunately that isn’t good enough. Walt Disney said a quote once and that was:

“When you believe in a thing believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionably”

The only thing I could add to that is keep going and whatever you do never give up.