Memories… and worry.

“Memories are what warm you up from the inside but they’re also what tear you apart”- Haruki Murakami.

Memories. If you wanna sing then by all means do because the song the way we were entered my mind as soon as I wrote that word. That and the song from one of the Theatrical west end performances. Was it Cats?

Memories is something that cannot be taken away from you and should be something you treasure however as Haruki Murakami put it they can fact tear you apart that’s if you dwell on something particular for long enough.

Memories to me are a mixed bag of emotions. The nicest memories have to be things like laughing at friend’s jokes, going on my very first summer holiday, family time, opening my very first pay packet, receiving the keys to my home and getting married to the man I love. On the flip side my seizures did not bode well in my life neither did the anxiety that came with it.

Others included the worries of wondering whether friends were in fact friends and the emphasis to be something I blatantly wasn’t was another blunder. I intend to put that down to age and experience.

Overall the insecure Saz you’ve all read about boils down to one word. Worry. Worrying for what exactly? To be liked by everyone perhaps? I know in my heart that being liked by everyone is impossible to achieve. Another thing that ran through my mind was possibly the fear of rejection by the people I thought were popular however looking back at my childhood were all a bunch of nobs pretending they were something they weren’t.

There has been a few occasions where I’ve misinterpreted people’s delay of say not responding to a text, phone call or email as them not liking me and worrying to the point of being unwell. My mates are my mates, I don’t have a great deal of them however know if I need them they’ll be there for me. In times of doubt what I should have done is sit back, wait for their response and accept that they have their own lives to lead hence the delayed response.

The question I now ask myself in bouts of worry is what am I actually worrying about?

If you sit down and think realistically what am I getting myself chewed up about? A seizure’s a seizure it’s horrendous to go through however I know once it’s over I have to get back up and move on. A shake’s a shake I tremble constantly for up to a few hours, I may drop the occasional cup however nothing that cannot be replaced.

Those two scenarios are the many within my life that go through my head when my shakes take place. When the event happened my eyes would be all over the place worrying about my friends, family and work colleagues ensuring that their thoughts weren’t damaged because of my misfortune. Looking back at that stage of my life it’s safe to say that that was bloody stupid.

You can’t eliminate if people feel uncomfortable whilst an Epileptic episode takes place. You just have to ride the storm, focus on you and ensure that you’re safety comes first. If people can’t accept you for you then they’re not worth it. The people who want what’s best for you will stick around, some you may care for may become distant however you know that their support is endless and cannot be replaced.

The other people (you all know who I’m talking about who wouldn’t give you the lickings of a dog) can go fuck themselves as far as I’m concerned. Life is about keeping the people in you’re life who give you that support, who won’t judge you, realise that mistakes are made and move on from it. If they can’t cope with your condition either ask them what their problem is and educate them otherwise show them the door. The remainder aren’t worth it.

It’s taken me over twenty years to accept that but I’m proud to say that I’m in a position where I can. When you have a condition such as Epilepsy you can feel trapped therefore you don’t have time to worry about anything else and that’s not a bad thing. If you worry thereafter then wait till you’re physically well and then talk.

What I keep telling myself in moments of physical weakness is that life is good. Fair enough we all suffer (bar the minority) from financial struggles, job security, worries about our children and questioning what life may have in store however if you accept the now, cross whatever bridge you come to when you come to it and understand that as a person you’re stronger than you could have ever imagined then hopefully that should be an incentive to move forward.

As a child and even bordering into adulthood my gran would say that I was a girl wishing her life away. My gran believed I may have been doing this to remove the insecurity about my condition and that from the books I’d read there was always this possibility that I would grow out of a condition I barely understood till I was older.

I believe that you can dream about what the future may have in store for you however running too quickly can result in you falling down before you’ve even got there. Life is about living and sharing with others the passion you have for life. It’s about making time for family, friends but most importantly yourself.

Anyhow…

This weekend has been an accomplishment. I finally won a bet! Wooooooooooooooooo!! If I could woo all day I would. It was only £25 however can go towards out London trip next month.

The family meal for my Gran’s birthday went extremely well with me devouring a lamb hock with new potatoes and shared an ice cream with my other half. Today has been healthier and my sunday dinner was delightful if I say so myself. The remainder of my meals taste ok.. I’m not an expert yet.

The floral Zara jacket was the bees knees and made an appearance yesterday evening. It was an expensive yet beautiful piece to wear with jeans and a sheer vest top. I adore it and will make it a priority to wear it at least three times this year. As it’s a statement piece (that I hope lasts a bloody long time) then I will not wear it to death.

The exercise is yet to resume however will do as soon as I’m feeling up to scratch. Like the chicken pox I’m chomping at the bit to get started.

The slim-pod on the other hand is also going canny. Listening to a fella saying calmly “You will exercise and eat well” is not only making me drift off but making me want to exercise more.

I’m rather distracted by this gentleman’s sultry voice and envisage that he’s a bit of a dish sitting in his Harley Street office with a suit on looking handsome. Mind you there is the possibility he could be Sloth out the Goonies. I think that’s more realistic.

To conclude today’s post. Memories, no one can ever take them away from you. You cannot erase your past therefore live in the now and see what that has in store for you. Don’t predict what is yet to happen and accept that whatever will be will be. Keep calm and carry on.

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2 thoughts on “Memories… and worry.

  1. Hi! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my good old room mate! He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!

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