TV programmes, shakes and knowing who we are.

Before I go into quote mode let’s say a nip and a punch for the first day of the month. I can’t believe it’s May already. Where on earth has this year gone?

“The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you”- Stephanie Perkins.

The quote above came through on my phone just now and made me want to blog straight away. Courtesy of book quotes this quote got me racking my brains as to who we are and what we want. Never in life has anything been perfect. Things may seem easier now however somewhere in life there will always be that stumbling block in which you sit there, analyse yourself and wonder if you can change any wrongdoings in your life.

You’ll always have somebody who’s richer than you who’s got problems, that’s poorer than you aspiring to be the rich person and then there’s the person who is happy with their lot. What you see on the outside isn’t necessarily what’s happening on the inside.

Everyone has a journey or a story to share. Me I’d say for a very long time I allowed myself to want what others wanted. What I wanted was irrelevant. I didn’t know what I wanted, in fact I don’t even think I knew who I was probably until a few years ago when certain chapters of my life started falling into place. I wasn’t just an Epileptic I was Saz a young woman who wanted to have a long and fulfilling life.

Whilst writing this blog I have touched on subjects extremely close to my heart and possibly shared topics on here that made me question myself. To touch on subjects such as dating, medication, worries, actual seizures and shaking is required to get the point across. The other day the topic was music, today it’s TV.

When I was younger one of my favourite TV shows was American series Quantum Leap featuring Scott Bakula as the infamous Sam Beckett travelling through time putting right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home. As you can see there I pretty much recited that verse every time a new episode came on.

Every Thursday night I would turn on my little 14 inch tv sit in my bedroom (usually with a bar of chocolate and a glass of pop) and sit on my bed eyes glued to the TV, occasionally burning my feet on the radiator and getting irate at anyone who disturbed my drifting. I was mesmerised at Quantum leap and would eagerly await the next episode come the following Thursday where yet again I’d sit in the same spot waiting for the theme tune to come on. Mind you I was only 10 years old, my seizures were in full swing and like music the idea of going to another place excited me.

Times were simple in the late eighties/early nineties. Don’t get me wrong there was still this sense of anguish and upset in the world however sports were promoted instead of playing on computer games and watching a TV series such as Quantum leap was far more interesting than watching some of the rubbish on TV today.

Compared to today’s computer graphics and far fetched storylines the concept of someone going back in time made me wonder if I could do the same.The hope of one day someone such as Sam Beckett coming into Sazzle’s life removing the Epilepsy from my brain along with removing any shred of doubt from my mind was something I could have only dreamt of. At the time there were moments where I honestly thought if someone could do that not only would I be cured but I would be eternally grateful.

Watching episodes of Quantum leap were not only enjoyable but educational as well. Storylines were created to educate people who didn’t particularly like grabbing a history book from school or were prepared to sit with their teacher and learn about their history. Fortunately once of my interests is History so to see that history come alive on a TV series was something where I could watch and say “I knew that happened” and be happy about it.

Today whilst chatting with my dad my Epilepsy was discussed and I was telling him of my shake increase over the past few months. Shaking to me is something I’ve grown into. Shaking to me is a way of life, it’s like eating your breakfast on a morning before you go to work or take the children to school.

The difference between eating your breakfast and shaking is that your breakfast tastes good and is the fuel you need to keep your body going. The shakes leave a bitter aftertaste in your mouth from time to time. The difference With your shakes is that you know it’s part of your life, you know it’s there however you know they’ll never be as nice as that Bacon buttie.

What I have never been able to comprehend is why my shakes have different levels of severity. As mentioned in earlier posts my shakes come in four stages and unfortunately you take whatever card’s dealt to you and you have to get on with it. After consulting with my GP last month tremors/shakes are within the top ten side effects of anti-epileptic drugs mine included.

You can get a plethora of side effects with anti-epileptic drugs ranging from headaches, tiredness, demotivation, weight gain, paranoia and tremors to name a few. I would probably say minus the weight gain I’ve had the remainder at some stage and it ain’t pretty. The one comfort you have from your medication is that it can manage your seizure control and prevent them being as frequent. Medication (although a bugger to take) can put your mind at rest allowing you to sustain that positivity.

The downside being that in my case is that I get absolutely no warning when a shake/seizure arrives. It’s just there and it does what it likes and today after work was no different.

My husband decided to treat me to my tea after work at a local pub. A small steak and Guinness pie with vegetables went down a storm. I didn’t opt for a twirl today and stuck to vegetables for my lunch.

As I was so tired this morning that I quite liked the idea of “Coffee on a drip” and had about three over the course of the day. The squat challenge has been postponed this evening because of my tiredness however will resume first thing tomorrow morning before my family gathering later on.

Shortly after returning home I had a mini shake that required a cold glass of water, two headache tablets and a quick lie down on the sofa. The mini shake didn’t scare me at all, in fact it felt like it could have been greater than what it was. Throughout the twenty minute shaky bout I looked at the TV, focused on my latest episode of Catfish that I’m addicted to and just lay there wondering when it’d be over.

I knew in my mind that it’d pass and that whatever the outcome I’d be ok because I’ve had numerous shakes before.

What’s the point in sulking, what does sulking achieve? Sulking just makes you feel worse, it makes you feel down and considering I’m now off work till next Tuesday there’s no way I’m going to let my shakes get the better of me. After all my mind is too silly to remain dormant. What’s the point in writing a blog to motivate others when I can’t be arsed to motivate myself? That would defeat the object altogether. I know my demotivation cannot be helped because of my medication however sometimes life’s about breaking barriers and putting yourself out there.

A couple of questions for you all. Do any of you have any shaky moments? What do you think causes it? Do the shakes frustrate you or are you now at a level where you’ve been there, done that and worn the T Shirt therefore can cope with what the shakes bring?

One thing I’ve learned is that fighting the shakes make them worse. The shakes are like a quick bout of the flu that repeatedly returns when you’re body has a smidge of exhaustion. People try their hardest to take all sorts of remedies and counter medications to erase that flu ASAP. People programme their mind to think that these drugs are working however it’s all psychological.

The drugs may remove the pain and discomfort however don’t remove the cold entirely. Your body will make the decision as to when that cold’s going. The same applies with the shakes. Worrying gets you nowhere as does taking a load of herbal remedies that cost a bloody fortune and do absolutely nothing.

This evening wasn’t all bad. The shakes have now gone, I’m feeling a little sleepy however quite chilled and as days go by I’m slowly coming to terms that my body will do what it wants to do.

To conclude today’s post. Aristotle said a quote once that hit the nail on the head. That quote was Happiness depends on ourselves. Unfortunately there will be times where you feel like you’re hitting a brick wall or life is too unbearable however life is unbearable if you allow it to be.

Seizures are something that you cannot control however your attitude is something you can. No one likes to be convulsing on a regular basis or having those flurries of negativity however life isn’t about being negative and looking to point blame elsewhere.

Life is to be lived, it’s to be around the people we love and to make memories that last a lifetime because without those memories then what do we have? I just thought of a sentence to sum up this evenings post and the outlook we should have on life.

Live it, breathe it, own it, love it. That’s what life’s all about.

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