Why do the smaller things upset me more than the bigger ones?

Panicking. Really? Over an item of clothing? Come on Saz give your head a shake!

Those were the very words I was saying to myself before making my way to my Auntie’s pub for the pub’s relaunch. Give me big things like the shakes and the stress is manageable. Give me the task to choose an outfit or bake a cake then then you’ve got a problem unless I’m organised.

Before I get into the whole fashion drama let’s start off the day with a quote:

“Fashion as king is sometimes a stupid ruler”- E T Bell.

Too true. That quote explains what I intend to document in this post beautifully.

Sometimes your mind can run away with you and you can put so much pressure on yourself to be something you aren’t that you lose your identity completely for a split second. Don’t get me wrong people can dream and aspire to have more however if the money isn’t available then unfortunately you have to bite the bullet and make do with what you have. That philosophy went straight out the window yesterday and I became someone who behaved stupidly and made a complete tit of herself in front of herself.

People may wonder what fashion has to do with coping with Epilepsy however let me elaborate the best way I can.

Since the age of 16 when I had my first job I’ve build a wardrobe of vintage pieces, contemporary pieces and your usual pull on clothes that you wear over the weekend to run errands and basically lounge around in.

Fashion to me is a hobby, an expensive hobby at that. I have a drawer of accessories I’ve purchased over the years that I refuse to throw away. I get great satisfaction buying for myself and others and are like a kid in a sweet shop when Christmas arrives. I’m not a lover of fashion labels however do like to wear clothes that fit my shape and make me feel like a woman.
To me experimenting with fashion and makeup can reflect your personality and boost your mood.

For example; Someone with an eccentric personality may opt for brights whereas the more conserved individual may opt for something a little less garish. The female members of my family have shown me that clothes aren’t just about your usual black trousers, shirt and flat shoes. Fashion can be propelled into another place.

Whatever the mood I like to reflect my personality with something that makes me feel good. That’s usually a pair of straight or bootcut jeans (like most people I live in my jeans) a colourful top or a white shirt, a chunky necklace and brogues.

Once my bills are paid if there’s spare cash in my bank account I’m at the shops spending the little money I have on cosmetics, skincare, clothes and a nice cuppa at one of the standardised coffee chains such as Costa or Starbucks. I’m usually rather sensible with money however have had my erratic moments where I’ve had to have everything yesterday.

The big question was what do I wear to go to this function? The event was where family and friends could be united for a quick bite to eat, a drink and a dance. I wanted an outfit that would uplift me because I wanted to look good, feel good and ooze confidence. I didn’t want to look dowdy and just wear the same old same old to every event.

Although I woke up early yesterday I managed to get all my chores done before I met the family. The cleaning was done, food was prepared and I managed to get my exercise completed before 9am. I had all morning to prepare however for some strange reason anxiety came over me and I lost all focus. I didn’t know what to wear and I was like a mad woman possessed.

For anyone walking into my wardrobe they’d probably say “What the hell are you talking about, there’s plenty of clothes in there” however for someone who who’s been there and worn it it just looked like one complete mess. Clothes were all over the floor, tears were shed and I didn’t know why.

How bloody stupid was I? I looked in the mirror at myself, mascara running down my face and magnified the situation like I’d do when I had a shake or a seizure. I looked at myself in the mirror and got myself all upset. This was all because I couldn’t choose an outfit for an event. WTF? What I wanted to say to myself was:

“Get a fucking grip, choose an outfit and get on with your day before you make yourself ill”

I phoned my mother in tears before being assured that there was never a problem we couldn’t solve and that tomorrow evening we could go out and have a chat about it.

I’ve never got myself worried over an outfit before so why was I starting now? Was it because I was feeling a little shaky the night before and this was the icing on the cake? Heaven knows, all I knew was that I was acting like a spoilt brat chucking her toys out the pram because she couldn’t get what she wanted.

I was behaving like child. I absolutely detest people who behave in that manner throwing a hissy fit because they don’t get what they want and people just cave in to it. Why can’t they just be told that they can’t behave that way and that there’s people in the world who are destitute and are lucky to have a life let alone worrying about having the latest gadget.

When I was younger there was many occasion where money was scarce and unfortunately my parents couldn’t afford to get me the latest fad. The one thing I do remember however is that they made it a priority to give give me a detailed explanation as to why I couldn’t have something and didn’t just say “Because you can’t” everytime I’d ask. Usually the answer was because Santa’s coming or because Mammy hasn’t been paid yet. Once you get that answer you shut up and leave it well alone.

When it came to my condition it would worry me but would never freak me out to the point where I’d constantly misbehave. People would say to me why do you fret over the smallest things but you don’t worry as much about your Epilepsy? Back then I didn’t have an answer. Now I know exactly what that answer is. The difference between having Epilepsy and other things is that I cannot prevent my Epilepsy however can prevent the smaller things.

Growing up with a condition did stress me however fitting in was more stressful than having the condition. All I wanted was friends and people my age to listen however I was so afraid that by telling people what I had would result in me scaring them off therefore I wanted to distract them by wearing something unique along with making them laugh. Is this the reason why I flew off the handle yesterday? Is it my childhood behaviour making an appearance?

Ask yourselves these questions. What infuriates you? How do you behave and how do you regain focus? I noticed yesterday that I was acting ridiculous and this was outside of my personality completely.

In the end I managed to pick an outfit, have a superb time with family, let my hair down and have a couple of drinks. The night was a roaring success and when I returned home I sat down with a cuppa and reflected on today’s events. I can safely say that I will never ever behave like that again over an outfit.

The Sazzle snack challenge is well underway with me eating healthier and exercising when I can. Although I’m exercising and maintaining my promise to do the squat challenge my heart’s not really into exercise and I need a good hoof up the tush to get me going therefore I did the inevitable. Let me explain.

I cannot stand the adverts on TV early morning, it really gets on my wick. The adverts on TV are usually from Guthy Ranker asking you to buy the latest fads such as a steam mop, an exercise DVD, a hair remover or a ball scratcher. Maybe not a ball scratcher but something to that effect anyway. Whilst watching at 6am I keep on thinking which dumb arse today is going to fall for that fad?

Eeee… Well I never thought I’d say it but I am officially that dumb arse.

For those twitter followers I managed to speak to yesterday I informed them that I bought a slimpod. Now this slimpod is at present on offer till 31st May and worth a fiver (usually £30) from a site called thinking slimmer. The slimpod has been created by Harley Street specialists to promote a healthier lifestyle.

This slimpod is a CD/MP3 that is supposed to train your mind to think differently about chocolate and exercise. I’m awaiting it’s arrival. I’ve also purchased a nail treatment called Renovate by British nail technician and extraordinaire Leighton Denny. The treatment is absolutely marvellous and is preventing any further nail splittage.

To conclude today’s post. Try your utmost to not let the smaller things get to you. So what you don’t have what you want right now. Do any of us have everything we want?

Although you feel on occasion that you want to tear your hair out because something isn’t going your way sit back, grab a glass of water and look at the bigger picture. Something so trivial isn’t worth your tears. Look at the positive parts of your life and home in on them when you’re feeling blue instead of over analysing. Look at what you’ve accomplished so far and praise yourself for it. As William Makepeace Thackeray said once:

“Bravery never goes out of fashion”

So you haven’t got the latest item of clothing. What’s more important part time materialistic happiness or being brave in situations? What you have to keep telling yourself is that you’re brave. Everytime you achieve what you want to achieve that’s when you should be feeling at your highest. Never let anyone else tell you differently.


2 thoughts on “Why do the smaller things upset me more than the bigger ones?

  1. Great post, I remember I blew up at an ex because he told me honestly that I didn’t look good in something. It was me who asked for an honest opinion in the first place! So I had my tantrum, apologised and then looked out for it in future. I think I’ve managed to stay on track since then! x

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