Problems… Get them out.

“Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit and talk about your joys” Anon.

Haven’t we all fell into this category? Chatting to anyone and everyone about our problems striving for the solution to be right under our noses.

I know I have on many occasion whether it be about trivial things in life, about general things that quite literally get on my wick but most importantly my Epilepsy is usually the topic of conversation. The Epilepsy aspect of it is a serious subject.

As I sit here with a glass of wine to the side of me I think about times in life where I have got into the habit of saying the same random thing knowing the solution but not actually putting it into practice.

Lately the shakes have dominated every situation. Although they have filtered a little they have got on my nerves. Without whinging saying how bad life is I’ve chosen to actually embrace the way I feel and to think to myself that life could be far worse.

Throughout my life I have wondered why I cannot relax. Again this is another habit that for whatever reason I cannot break. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.

A little like OCD I can tell others whether it be the people closest to me or the people following my blog online that relaxation along with acceptance is the best policy however the biggest question is why can’t I follow my own advice?

Why can’t I relax and just chill out like everyone else can? Let’s put it this way I haven’t got the foggiest.

Over the years this has been one of the topics of my conversation. Whether it be a councillors opinion or someone closest to me although the opinions are given I have wondered why can’t I relax. A perfect example is me sitting watching TV. Before long I’m up tidying up, sorting out finances before cleaning benches and sorting my wardrobe. I mean come on! What’s that all about?

I have no explanation but I cannot stop myself from doing it. WTF?

Is it my epilepsy meds that’s causing the problem or is it the fact that there’s something else bothering me? Is it me trying to break my thought pattern about my shakes hence doing all these additional chores?

Everyone in their lifetime suffers from the general stresses and strains of life however I literally cannot relax. Yes I can go to bed for a nana nap of an afternoon and I can watch the occasional episode of Sex and the City whilst eating nutella with a spoon however when it comes to total relaxation I simply can’t do it. I can try but for some strange reason it’s taking a lot longer than expected to break this habit.

I think there’s only one reason and I don’t know whether you will all agree with me. During my Epilepsy journey I’ve had no warning when it comes to the seizures or the shakes therefore I have attempted to overcompensate my daily regime incase the inevitable happens and I’m stuck shaking and feeling lifeless for the remainder of the day.

Instead of realising that the routine I’ve documented for myself can wait until tomorrow there’s this overwhelming sense of achieving my goals within that specific day. Instead of releasing this concern to the people closest to me I choose to bottle this up and not release what I should be releasing.

As the quote I’ve chosen today mentions surely I should be evaluating my joys and embracing the things that make me happy instead of getting myself frustrated about these things.

This is the thing with people we all have our own lives to lead however what I am finding particually in today’s society is that we care too much about what people think hence not releasing those problems. You suffer from Epilepsy and there’s nothing the matter with that.

You have a condition and it effects over 65 million people in the world today. It’s not something to be afraid of it’s something that in time you will accept and embrace. Many may question whether this is possible however I know it’s possible as thanks to the support from the people around me along with you all have given me the incentive to accept myself for me and to show the world what Saz is made of.

Instead of sitting in a corner worrying about everything and nothing I’ve chosen to write how I feel and to realise that we all suffer from problems. That’s perfectly normal and saying how you feel should be rewarded instead of shunned away. You have a voice therefore use it.

Epilepsy can be a drag it really can however instead of sitting wondering what’s in store why can’t we just be ourselves? This is something that like my relaxation habit can take a while to break.

It’s only now 21 years on that I’m coming to terms with the fact that Epilepsy is a part of my life however it isn’t everything that my life consists of. It contributes towards my welfare however shouldn’t dominate my personality and to be honest if you can it shouldn’t effect yours either.

As for the remainder of my time away from you all…

Exercise. It’s been on the back burner to be honest. Today I resumed my exercise and have continued with the healthy eating regime I’ve set for myself. A mini roll glared at me this morning and I was rather proud as I glared at it back and left it in the biscuit tin. One to Saz.

With regards to the family all’s well. Everything’s been chipper and apart from my headaches the spirits are up and I’m plodding on as normal laughing and cracking on.

To conclude today’s post.

We all have our moments however there’s times where problems need to be shared with others. Whether they be Epilepsy related or not there comes a time where you need that additional support and that’s fine.

There’s many people I’ve crossed within my lifetime that have said it’s better to cope with a problem alone because by burdening others it doesn’t achieve anything.

Wrong. My answer to that is that everyone needs help and by closeting a problem doesn’t achieve anything in fact it makes you worse. Embrace what you have, the qualities you have and the joy you share with the one’s that appreciate you for you.

Life is to be lived, to be treasured.

Thank your past for all it’s lessons and try to move on. What’s stopping you?

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The joys of laughter and looking up.

“Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of your heart”- Mort Walker.

Bloody hell how long has it been since I’ve been on here?

I think my laptop is officially giving me a grilling because I haven’t blogged for so long however better late than never I suppose.

First and foremost where on earth do I start?

As Julie Andrews said in the Sound of Music let’s start from the very beginning a very good place to start.

Actually I’m not going to break into song like the Von Trapp family singers however what I will do is cut to the chase and explain why I’ve chosen this evening’s quote.

Well..

This evening’s quote has been chosen for a variety of reasons however the one that tends to stick out the most is that laughter is one of the things that makes the world go round. Preferably when you ask anyone that question they usually say money.

Yes money can bring you happiness however laughter is usually the one word that can make a day, can enhance your mood but better still can shift you off the sofa and make you move your arse like never before.

When I think of laughter I think of happiness, humour but usually the one thing that really makes me laugh hysterically is when someone farts in the corner. People may say that’s ever so uncouth but I’m a northerner and a significant amount of simple things make me laugh. I cannot help myself. That’s just who I am.

People may question what on earth farting has to do with Epilepsy awareness however I thought I’d slot that one in because it’s about laughter isn’t it? Never mind.

Another reason why I’ve chosen to incorporate this quote into tonight’s post is because lately I’ve been on a right downer.

My mood hasn’t been the usual bubbly cheeky sort of Saz you all know but a one where my shakes have dominated the situation, my mind has been over analysing and in true Saz fashion the insecurities have dawned their stubborn streak and made me doubt where life is going for me.

It’s safe to say the shakes have tested my patience and made me feel insecure as to whether a seizure is standing there with it’s balaclava around the corner ready to jump out at me at any given time.

Medication wise I’ve been extremely tired and as for my demeanour well it’s a cross between being a worrier and being lazy. I can see this and quite literally isn’t my cup of tea.

Over the course of the past few months life has somewhat got in the way and happiness has taken a back seat.

Today whilst browsing through my phone I started to think about the words you guys have given me in the past, the advice from friends, family and everyone in between that at present have felt like they’ve been my lifeline spurring me on and giving me support. It’s the knowing that whatever happens there’s never a problem that cannot be solved.

Before long I started thinking about life as a whole and what obstacles we must face during our lives to fathom out who we are and what makes us happy.

Immediately the question of “How can my epilepsy make me happy” can jump into the equation however if Epilepsy is a part of you why should you stop being you because you have it?

Instead of feeling like a whirlwind has quite literally taken over your entire thought pattern why don’t we just laugh? Why don’t we look and gain experience from our episodes but while we’re well why not laugh?

Why won’t we just think of that moment in our lifetime where we have been in absolute hysterics and have that chuckle to ourselves to lighten the mood?

Surely being serious 24/7 isn’t going to accomplish anything (trust me I’ve been there) and by laughing isn’t this not the catalyst to seeing what sort of individual you are full of vitality, pizazz and strength.

Isn’t it about realising that we have to take the rough with the smooth and just be who we want to be?

Lately my strength has been tested in more ways than one. Things haven’t quite felt right because of my emotional connection with the shaking episodes and merge this with our general routine, elements of stress that comes into our lives and you’re bound to feel a tad deflated.

When I was diagnosed with Epilepsy I didn’t know how to react, who to tell, who I felt I could open up to and whether I could ever look at myself as normal. It’s safe to say my heart back then felt a little uncertain as to what was round the corner and the cobwebs would start to show because of my naivety when discussing a subject that I didn’t quite understand until I got older.

It’s only now I see that everyone has their own lives to lead and unfortunately they won’t always mirror with your own.

Whether it was discussing my Epilepsy or anything else causing distress laughter was the one thing that could bring me up from a rough episode and seeing people around me in support groups sharing the same condition but with that element of positivity made me see that life isn’t all that bad. It can only feel that way when negativity sinks in and life becomes a tad mundane.

Whilst thinking today I decided that in order to break free from my current thought pattern that I would need to take responsibility for my current actions, to accept that life can be difficult and that this is normal.

Instead of feeling pitiful and all woe to me I would decide to get up and to stop feeling sorry for myself. I would look at who I was and not what other people wanted me to be or what others perceived I should be.

I therefore decided to get my trainers on, exercise, make inroads into starting to eat healthier again, exfoliate like there’s no tomorrow and don my favourite vintage blazer and prove to myself that I won’t let this way of feeling affect me any longer. And you know what after I’d achieved all those mini victories I felt bloody marvellous.

Even if it was for only a couple of hours that in itself was my interpretation of actions speaking louder than words and knowing that whatever happens I’ll be ok and If I’m ok then I know you will be too.

As for the remainder of the week..

Well I’ve pretty much described it in a nutshell.

It’s been rather pants to say the least however I’m learning to realise that I’m stronger than I think and that whatever the outcome be with my shakes that there’s always someone in life going through something far worse therefore I ought to count my blessings and start to accept myself for who I am.

I’m off work for the remainder of the week therefore I’ve got just under a week to keep this momentum going and to make myself feel that bit happier. Hell I may even have to watch some of the old television classics to keep me laughing all day!

Exercise wise the intention is to start as I mean to go on particularly with Shaun T telling me to do the usual up centre back centre exercise regime. The same rules apply with the food. Goodbye chips, hello broccoli.

To conclude today’s post.

I’ll leave you with another quote that I think adds to the theme of tonight’s post and that is..

“Hope.. Sometimes that’s all you have when you have nothing else. If you have it you have everything”

Therefore merge the two quotes about hope and laughter. Isn’t that all we ever need? I’ll leave you to answer that yourself.

Great expectations?

“You can’t base your life on other peoples expectations”-Stevie Wonder.

Expectation. To expect something from someone, to expect that life will be easy or to base our own problems on what we expect ourselves to be.

Great expectations was a book I enjoyed as a child. It was also a book I studied at secondary school. I was engrossed by the characters and once I picked it up I couldn’t put it down. A book about sorrow, love. The meaning was in the title.

For those who haven’t read it I’d advise you give it a glance because it’s definitely worth a read. The portrayal of the characters was amazing whereas the author gave us a beautiful description of how people are perceived.

With me Epilepsy was always a challenge that I couldn’t quite overcome. For those who are aware the feeling of not being able to tie my Epilepsy down was something that was impossible to do and the coming to terms with where Epilepsy felt like a chore.

To expect myself to be this person who would bounce back proved harder than the other people around me with my condition and I felt alone. Although family were there to provide me with that sense of certainty it was only until I made the decision to find myself did things start slotting into place.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve felt like life is going ninety to the dozen zooming past me with the shakes battling me in what feels like a one I feel that I’m losing.

Last week I shook five times in one week albeit it ones that didn’t fully wipe me out there was this concern as to where they’d come from and whether it was just an imbalance in my body that needed rest and recuperation. No grande mal seizures were involved however it did dawn on me that there’s something not right.

As you’re all aware through previous blog posts I was a people pleaser a one that would have this gravitational pull towards what others wanted and not necessarily what I wanted for myself. The odd bout of feeling occasionally overwhelmed me in time of need however I’m putting that down to being human nothing more. I had to take responsibility for that.

It was only until I reached a certain age did it come to fruition that I cannot be what others want me to be as they have their own lives to lead.

One example was the expectancy of bouncing back as a child when my parents permanently separated. For those who’ve read my blog posts from the beginning will know I’m a family person. I live for family and I adore them with all that I have. When my parents ended their relationship it took the thick end of fifteen years to realise that there was no hope for my parents.

Although they provided me with happiness and stability on a separate basis it was difficult to see two people come together for their daughter but not for themselves. Maybe my expectation of their scenario was too great. Life goes on and if you’re not happy you can’t pretend to be. Nowadays I see this, as a youngster the signs didn’t reach me. Hell they shouldn’t have been and I know this now.

As selfish as it may come across you need to want what’s best for you and there comes a stage in life where only you can make that decision.

Lately I’ve done a lot of thinking about how I’m supposed to feel when I come up against a challenge that can change your life forever. That’s the thing with my condition it gets me thinking, it makes me feel on edge however instead of expecting myself to be all singing all dancing I’m realising that when Epilepsy is involved things take time. We have to look at each experience in it’s own merit.

When it comes to expectancy Is it about being happy or is it about doing what’s right?

With me whenever there’s a knock in the road my health tends to suffer however what I am questioning is the strength of who I am and whether this bump with my Epilepsy I can bounce back from. I truly hope I can.

When I write Sazzle’s blog I tend to give an insight as to who I am and what I represent and unfortunately when writing blogs everything isn’t always going to be hunky dory. It’s bound to have that emotional discontent at times however my aim is to make you see that happiness is key.

We cannot prevent what’s round the corner however things happen for a reason, change is inevitable if you want it to be and that on the basis you have the hunger inside of you to make a stand then you will succeed even if it’s only for your own wellbeing.

As I sit here this morning I can see why society can put expectation on others.

Why do we always have to be content with what society wants for us condition or not? Why can’t we just be ourselves and make the decisions that’s right for us not what’s right for others?

Why is there this expectancy to be a certain way? In our worlds there shouldn’t be.

It should be about analysing the appropriate things that matter, get it down on paper and evaluate what your expectancy of yourself ought to be. There shouldn’t be this worry about being second best to anyone. You’re bound to have problems however you have to do what’s right for you.

As for the remainder of my week…

The shakes have dominated the situation at the moment and I’m attempting now I’m feeling a little better to get back into my exercise regime and to bounce back stronger both mentally and physically.

Apart from that the bank holiday weekend has been a relaxing one and now the house is finally sorted maybe I can take that time to relax and spend time with my loved ones without this worry of wondering when the next shake will hit.

No funny stories to tell apart from a bottle of pepsi going all over the new kitchen however that’s another story altogether. Merge shaking, sticky feet and trying to sort out a kitchen floor and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Hey you’ve got to see the funny side of it.

To conclude today’s post. Expectation. Don’t let it overwhelm you. As I’ve said before do what’s right for you. Only you will thank you for it later on.

There’s no quick fix…

“Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you”-Coldplay.

First and foremost this has to be one of my all time favourite lyrics from a band that I’ve loved since I was a teenager.

It’s a lyric that has stuck with me since it was released and every time I hear it I get this overwhelming sense of emotion knowing that each and every word means something.

Fix you is without doubt one of my favourite Coldplay songs because if you listen to the song for long enough you can see there’s a hidden meaning that everyone could interpret differently.

It’s safe to say the words hit you like a bag of hammers and before you know it you’re raising the volume and singing at full pelt. Well.. Maybe that’s just me.

With me I’ve chosen this particular lyric tonight because when it comes to anything in life there’s no quick fix.

Effort plays a significant role in all changes you make to your life.

Listening and taking the advice from others also plays a major part in how you want to change your mindset or better still how the people who care for you see you for who you are and what you represent. It’s about having the right support network around you.

Throughout my time with Epilepsy there was this struggle.

The struggle to want to be bigger and better, to show the world that Epilepsy wouldn’t be what I was solely known for and that whatever the circumstance I was never going to stare Epilepsy in the face.

In my eyes I was going to bypass Epilepsy and not rise to the argument I thought my condition wanted me to have with it.

I was trying to dodge the one thing I couldn’t do and that was to accept myself for me. To leave the past alone and to allow myself to go down a path of my choosing. I wasn’t at peace with myself.

There were no easy answers and I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to sit myself down and give myself the talking to I’d tried to put off for years.

The same rules applied with the way that life changes whilst you’re growing up learning new experiences, meeting all types of personalities and gaging an understanding as to where you stand in the world.

It’s what my dad would call a learning curve but for me it was something that I was living. I didn’t want to share it I wanted to handle myself however never quite knew how.

As I sit here this evening writing this blog post listening to that very song on my Ipod I look back at what the last 21 years have been like and instead of passing my problems off as a bad job I’m growing to realise that life is full of ups and downs and usually there are more downs than ups. That is normal.

That’s why we should be appreciative of what we have and to see that whatever tries to break you should in fact make you stronger.

Today I read through my Epilepsy diary and noticed that it had been over 5 and a half years since I had my last grande mal seizure.

Immediately I felt overjoyed at the fact that I’d gone so long and instead of being reluctant questioning when the next episode would arise I sat there with my cup of tea, a rich tea finger that ended up floating in my tea (because I’d dunked it for too long) and the TV in the background.

As I sat I raised a little smile and carried on with my day.

I thought to myself I could sit here analysing my shakes and the emotional distress they cause or I could look at the achievement I’d just written and believe that anything is possible. It’s the belief that we have in ourselves that give us the feeling to want more for ourselves.

When I refer to wanting more I don’t necessarily mean in monetary terms I mean by just being happy with what we currently have. The knowing that on a daily basis how fortunate we are to be live in a world where problems can be addressed and people are prepared to offer their support.

Instead of becoming deflated at the episodes we are having to say you’re worried about something or to go to someone to get something off your chest means you’re halfway there.

You may never eliminate Epilepsy from your life entirely, there’s definitely no quick fix to do so however to accept yourself for who you are in my opinion is more important and shows how strong you really are.

Yesterday the world went into mourning because actor Robin Williams had passed away. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.

As I turned on the news yesterday my heart became heavy at the fact that such a talent had been taken from us so early.

A man who made many a child smile and many an adult howl with laughter because their lives usually resembled the jokes he’d address to millions.

As I sat there yesterday morning reminiscing about sitting in the middle of my living room floor fixated at Robin Williams dancing about with a hoover dressed as Mrs Doubtfire I started to think that life can change at any time.

As I watched the sheer volume of condolences coming through it dawned on me that life is too short. I know I’ve said that many a time before however it’s true.

People who you may never know personally can play such a poignant role on your life in general whether it be through humour, kind words or just a nod of the head to acknowledge you. Whatever the circumstance nothing goes unnoticed.

As for the remainder of the week..

Exercise it’s back on track. I’m doing rather well exercising a minimum of five days per week at half an hour a day.

Eating wise I haven’t restricted chocolate out of my diet entirely however now the sugar is officially out of my hot drinks this leaves room for my homemade smoothies that ensure no fruit goes to waste. See I can now totally justify purchasing my £100 blender.

As for the remainder of my time it’s all systems go. The back garden is now getting refurbished with the odd plant being potted and new paving outside.

My new kitchen resembles the dust on the icy roads when the gritters have been round in the Winter therefore my mop has been out and I’m attempting to be the good housewife.. for all of twenty minutes. Apart from that that’s about it.

To conclude today’s post.

There is no such thing in life as a quick fix. Many may disagree however I’ll beg to differ. Buying the odd purchase can result in temporary happiness however it never quite resolves the issue does it?

I believe that time is a great healer, I also believe that time is of the essence therefore utilise that time wisely. Put yourself first for a change. Attempt if you can to ignore the pressure that we have all been renowned for putting on ourselves and be happy with who you want to be and what you want from life.

As I’ve said numerous times before the past is the past, the present is now and the future is yet to be written therefore stand up tall and do what’s right for you.

The art of courage.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”-Anon.

The quote above has been chosen today because I’ve drawn the conclusion that life and courage walk simultaneously together. Courage can be underestimated to others because we are expected through life to face up to the knocks and keep going without any worry. Unfortunately it’s not as simple as that. It can take days, weeks or even years to digest certain information so that when you do digest it you never look back.

This to me is something that over time has become a cross to bare however as I go through my own personal journey I’m coming to terms with the fact that life is to be lived, the people closest to you are meant to be treasured and that unnecessary worry shouldn’t make you self destruct.

It’s about becoming who you really are taking the highs with the lows and appreciating all scenarios as they help form who you end up being. It’s about being you. Not what people want you to be. It’s about saying no at times and doing what’s right for you.

Since writing Sazzle’s blog I have made my feelings known as to how I cope (or the lack of feeling  like I was when I was younger), the worries that I was facing and the brick wall I had chosen to put up to my nearest and dearest when I felt that times were overwhelming.

As each year passes it’s safe to say that courage is one of the words that I cannot underestimate and that is giving me the strength to want to continue with the process of moving forward.

Yesterday I was faced with a challenge something that hit me like a ton of bricks and unlike the grand mal seizures and the shaky bouts before it was to test my endurance. Whilst at work my body became very weak, I felt that I wasn’t all there, names were getting muddled and what frustrated me the most was that my body and mind weren’t in sync with one another.

There was this smell this cross between hard boiled eggs and washing powder, It stunk.  Immediately I thought a grand mal seizure was on the horizon. Was this an aura or was this my mind playing tricks on me because my body felt low?

I’ve been renowned over the years for being a bit of a routine queen that is quick on a keyboard (my technical knowledge on the other hand isn’t as quick) and tries to remain bubbly at all times however yesterday I was quiet, I turned down chocolate (which is a first), I was frustrated and emotional because this was new.

It was change and I didn’t particularly like it. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was and trying to decipher in my own head what was happening was difficult. This was to happen for a couple of hours.

As I walked around the building with my husband to try and sort myself out there was this part of me thinking “Had I just had my first absent seizure” because I wasn’t shaking, there was no lack of sensation in my face or hands and apart from a headache the symptoms from my previous epileptic episodes didn’t match up. It felt weird.

Immediately I knew there was a rabbit off and the art of courage merged with the advice of the people around me gave me the determination to want to bounce back.

After returning home body exhausted I fell asleep and didn’t awake for a few hours. My body had shut down and instead of feeling weak for the remainder of the evening as I usually am I was up and ready to go.

I didn’t want to be defeated and as for the six hours from the moment of weakness to my awakening I felt fine. I knew rest was required therefore remained settled.

There wasn’t this feeling of anxiety. There was this moment of happiness because I had accepted this new factor instead of stewing about it all night. As silly as it may sound instead of allowing the fear to dominate the situation I accepted it and felt at peace with myself.

Yesterday evening as my body continued to resume back to normal.I couldn’t help but ask myself the following questions:

What if we didn’t have courage in our lives what would we be like?

Would we ever bounce back? Only you can answer that question.

On a personal level I know that it’s taken time to find out what my definition of courage is and that acceptance plays a major role with how you want courage to help contribute towards your life.

We can all sit here wondering what each day has in store for us. Will we have another seizure, will be counting the days till the next episode only to feel like we’ve hit a stumbling block. No we shouldn’t because irrespective of counting you never know what’s round the corner, who you might meet, what situations may arise but most importantly how you tackle those situations.

Like all medical conditions Epilepsy can test your patience however to prove to it that you are still being you whilst coping with what you have is an achievement in itself and takes a significant amount of courage to do.

As for the remainder of my week..

Exercise- Slacked off a little but I’m back on it, the usual five days per week (excluding yesterday)

Food- Apart from my chocolate refusal yesterday I’m eating well. Sweet treats make a swift appearance however I’m mindful of what a large box of chocolate cookies are doing to my hips therefore am cutting that down a tad.

As for the rest of me I’m plodding along, singing a song and just enjoying myself the way we all should do.

To conclude today’s post. Courage. Doesn’t have to be a big word but a word that doesn’t half make a difference. We all have and have implemented courage in our lives at some stage. You may not think it but rest assured you will have.

Never doubt your capabilities. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses therefore be happy with the achievements you have made to your life so far and look forward to what’s about to come. As I said earlier you never know what’s round the corner…That’s a completely different blog altogether but I guess you’ll just have to wait for that one.

 

 

 

 

We aren’t all the same..

” All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they aren’t all the same”- Marilyn Monroe.

Evening all. I thought I had to write a blog post after seeing this quote, in fact I thought it was quite prevalent to questions that were raised last week by some who’d questioned dating with Epilepsy.

We all look for that perfect partner the person who wants to give us their everything however what happens when we throw Epilepsy into the mix? Should the word Epilepsy ever interfere with our happiness?

In my early twenties I had a tendency to categorise all guys in one bundle like they’d all been taught at the same school.. unfortunately that was age and inexperience for you.

The reason behind choosing this evening’s quote was solely due to the fact that today’s society puts a great amount of pressure on people to be a certain way whether it be the way they behave or the way they look.

Whatever the pressure that is added being you is the most attractive quality albeit it taking a few years to realise this.

I’ve written a similar post to this previously however thought it was necessary to reiterate this again over a year later.

Take age out of the equation; When it comes to partnerships as individuals where do we stand?

This is a tricky subject that over the years I’ve learnt to realise is quite a complicated situation that stems a tad deeper than just our condition again it’s a pressure thing. My dad used to get well and truly pissed off when I used to say:

“Dad do you ever think people will love me because I have Epilepsy or do you think they’ll run a mile?”

Immediately Dad would get on his high horse saying “Sarah you’re beautiful my darling, if they don’t like you for you then fuck them, they’ll never see what I see” Straight away I’d be like.. Of course you think like that I’m your daughter for petes sake.

With me it was always a sticking point having Epilepsy and dating, would people like me for me? Would people understand my condition when I told them or would my insecurity show and they run a mile?

These questions tend to raise more so in the younger generation however it has become apparent with people of all ages.

The way I look at it is that you have many a quality therefore why run? Why should we not stand and see what happens?

Surely if the individual wants to know more then why not allow them or is it purely a worry about being hurt?

Tonight’s quote was a one that tended to hit a time of my life where people didn’t fully understand what Epilepsy meant to me and how far I was prepared to go to share about my condition.

There was this worry of not being accepted and loved for the person I was instead of people walking on egg shells to accommodate my condition. Going through my teenage years there was this concern that people would automatically walk away as soon as the big E word was mentioned.

Ultimately it was the “How would they cope if I had a seizure or would they make an excuse to dump me?”

Whatever the scenario there was a part of me that wanted to give my all however worry out of the risk of being hurt. It wasn’t a place I wanted to be associated with.

For years there were people that entered my life for the right reasons and others for the wrong. Being in a relationship isn’t all about the taking it’s about that element of compromise and wanting what’s best for you both not just one sided.

Over the course of the past ten years in particular I have watched my life change beyond comprehension and to witness what is in front of me. The worry of not being accepted would unfold and the fear of being at peace with myself was an issue that I’ve now managed to eradicate. For being a bubbly person the idea of me being introverted wasn’t an option. It’s only now that it’s starting to surface what my true feelings were.

When I met my husband  I had the opportunity to educate the person who wanted to be with me for the remainder of my life about my fear. It was only when he witnessed a grand mal seizure did he truly understand what Epilepsy meant in my life and why from the offset was it a sticking subject.  Irrespective of him seeing a fair few seizures/shaky bouts he wanted to marry me, he wanted a life with me and he wanted to be mine. As the months progressed the panic would subside.

Many have asked me how I cope with being rejected and whether Epilepsy has anything to do with it. To me the answer is no.

Epilepsy is a condition that effects over 65 million people who prove to the remainder of the world that we can cope and that we won’t be defined by our Epilepsy.

Compared to me as a youngster I’ve grown to believe that if someone loves you they love you for you nothing more.

Trying to change your partner will never happen therefore stop trying to change them. You can attempt for the remainder of your life to accommodate a situation you don’t want to be in however ultimately you and your partner are responsible for your own actions and Epilepsy shouldn’t even come into the equation when decisions like that are made. Maybe I’m an old romantic but hey ho that’s the way I am.

If you want to be with someone you’re with them full stop. There’s no if’s, what if’s or buts about it. You should be on the same wave length.

Whether you’re 16 or 76 you’re allowed to be happy condition or not. Nothing should prevent you from being the fabulous person you are and if expressing your condition to others is a concern then seek advice from a support group or the people closest to you before making any additional steps. Everyone’s entitled to be happy.

As for the remainder of the week..

T25 has been in full force as is the healthy eating… thank goodness for that!

As for Benny he’s been on no further jaunts other than lounging on the decking. He’s just basking in the sun. As for everything else well it’s going swimmingly well.

To conclude today’s post.

Dating and Epilepsy doesn’t have to be that complicated. I can understand the apprehensions people face with all conditions having to explain what you have however there’s nothing for you to be ashamed of saying that you have a condition.

As I said earlier if they don’t love you for you then it’s not worth it. As my mother would say there’s plenty of fish in the sea and by gosh there is.

 

Strength by numbers.

“I may not be the strongest, I may not be the fastest but I’ll be damned if I’m not trying my hardest”-Anon.

Success. Merit. Worth. All three words can depending upon the context make or break a sentence. It’s whether you remain optimistic as you say those words that can sometimes determine what path you take.

To some of you reading that may make no sense whatsoever. To me it’s normal, I think it’s because each day like the millions of people across the world wake up each morning wondering what the day has in store for them and whether each day will be better than their last.

Having Epilepsy can question your own ability at times, can challenge you in ways you least expected but most importantly it can on occasion challenge your own beliefs when your self worth is involved. Some excel when it comes to accepting your condition, some it takes a little longer and for me it took that little bit longer than planned.

I selected the quote this evening for many a reason possibly down to the fact that over the course of the past two weeks my shakes have become more frequent more so towards the back end of last week. To shake is one thing, to have a seizure is another and the medication side effects another after that.

Whatever enters your mind you’re mind is always on the wander wondering whether you are going to sink, swim or just manage to stay afloat.

The other day I spoke about my blog with a relative of mine explaining why Sazzle’s blog was created in the first place and why I felt that it was about time that I put my feelings down on paper for all to see.

From previous posts written Epilepsy initially was a chore. To me it wasn’t going anywhere in a hurry therefore I had to identify the trends, start to release the negative energy I thought Epilepsy was imposing on my life and release that energy to my family, friends, online friends and Epilepsy community.

To say “I’ve got a problem” can be one hell of a task.

The saying of “Admitting you’ve got a problem means you halfway to resolving the issue” is so right however to tackle the uncertainty that Epilepsy can bring is harder.  What I admire most about people is when they admit that life is not always a bed of roses.

Irrespective of what the problem may be to admit defeat can actually become your lifeline to success. It can become the one word that although perceived as failure can in fact be the word that spurs you on to accept yourself.

Many reading may disagree  however since having Epilepsy I’m growing to realise that life changes frequently.

Of course there are limitations with all conditions that makes you feel like you’re not giving it your all and I can sympathise whole heartedly with that however what I do know is that giving up is never an option.

Strength comes from having the knocks and knowing you have the power to get back up, strength doesn’t come from being handed everything on a plate. It’s about never giving up and knowing that the decisions you make in life are going to benefit you and your health.

The reason why I decided to write about strength was because recent media coverage of a certain incident last week made the world stand up, listen and take notice. This can be summed up in two words Flight MH17.

As I sat there cup of coffee in hand I was fixated at the television completely and utterly shocked at what had unfolded in Ukraine. To embark on a journey of hope for it to be shattered in an instant made me see that we never know what’s round the corner and that family are so precious.

Amongst the many who died in that plane crash were two men from the North East of England not too far from where I live going on a journey to support their football team. Immediately I felt such upset for their families.

For those who know me already know that I am extremely proud of where I come from.

To come from a little city where people say hello in the street as they go for their morning paper, to be a quick bus stop away from the beach where I can pop for a bag of chips doused in vinegar before finishing it off with a Minchella’s 99 cornet (which isn’t 99p at all it’s £1.79) makes me proud to be from the North East. Fair enough not very many people know what we’re saying half the time however I like that.

What struck me was irrespective of people’s personal issues as soon as it came to light that “two of ours” were killed that was enough for the cities to rally together and show our support in a way that we always have. It was safe to say that it was strength by numbers.

As I sit here now merging the recent events with my previous insecurities I think to myself how fortunate we all are to be here, to be given the chance (should we wish) to say how we feel, to lay our cards on the table and to hopefully express our feelings towards Epilepsy in a positive way.

As for the remainder of the week..

Hells bells where do I start. I’ll get the boring stuff out the way first.

Healthy eating… Next. Got better today.

Exercise.. Shakes have been playing up so it was only a four day exercise week for me.

Work.. It pays the bills along with my love for vintage clothing.

Finally..

Benny. That cat he’s a marvel.

For those who are newbies to my blog will be unaware that Benny is my cat. He’s a five year old rescued tabby who is without doubt one of the handsomest men I’ve ever come into contact with. Maybe I’m biased but it’s safe to say I absolutely adore him. He’s got a swagger about him and it’s safe to say he eats more food than I do whilst keeping his boyish physique.

On Thursday Benny decided whilst I was at work to go on his own Gulliver’s travels i.e. jumping on a parcel shelf underneath a van exhaust before travelling 80 miles down the motorway to a destination unbeknown to him as “a place where he could eat more food”.

Take into account the Epileptic shaking and the fact my cat had clung on for dear life down the motorway of course made me panic.. Well panic’s a bit of an understatement. It’s safe to say the words coming out of my mouth weren’t ladylike and on his return my face was a picture. He’s happy and now safe and sound.

To conclude today’s post.

That quote today can sum us all in a nutshell if you want it to. I can’t speak on behalf  of you but I know I can with me.

I’m not the strongest but I fight. I’m not the fastest but I give it my best shot and trying my hardest well.. I’m getting there. I may not be the whole package to others but for my circle they’re happy with me condition and all.

Never underestimate your strength. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Be proud of who you are and where you come from. Be appreciative of you and what you represent. Start feeling worthy instead of worthless and know that whatever the scenario bouncing back is so much prettier.

 

 

Aren’t we all still learning?

“I’m still learning myself”- Mulan.

Throughout life one of the main questions I’ve heard uttered from the mouths of others is “When do we ever stop learning?”. My answer to that is.. I don’t think we ever do.

During my time with Epilepsy one of the biggest questions I’ve asked myself is “Will I ever grow out of my Epilepsy?” to which I’d respond by thinking.. Probably not.

Unlike the first question Epilepsy is a condition that some grow out of and others wonder whether that time will ever reach them. In some cases no Epilepsy may never leave you however is that such a bad thing?

Those reading that last question may think I’m utterly mad to possibly see Epilepsy in a slightly positive light however with me the journey I’ve been on with my condition as a whole along with the psychological elements that my condition has imposed on my life has been a battle to me that’s been a hard one.

It’s safe to say that it effects people in different ways.

With me it was about the looking down at my health issues like there was no way up because all I could see was my life changing for the worst.

There was no light at the end of any tunnel, the positivity would waver and the questions would constantly be raised in my head as to whether I had anything more to learn about my condition because in my eyes I’d experienced it all already.

For those who would say “There’s light at the end of the tunnel” I’d be like “Yeah” whilst thinking “Fuck off you don’t know what I’m going through”.

How negative was I?

The more I read about others feelings towards their condition the more I thought that I wasn’t alone. Don’t we all feel like that at times?

In my mid twenties and as I approached the fifteen year barrier there was a change in me.

For years I had watched Epilepsy come in like a tornado causing havoc on the ones around me.

Apart from receiving a bike when I was diagnosed (I was chuffed at the time, mind you I was only eight years old) the seizures were a burden, the shakes a mare and the medication taking a chore.

A change where I knew that if I didn’t do something then my life would remain a battle. I was sick of leading charge on that battle. I was bored, I was tired and I couldn’t be arsed anymore.

To me Epilepsy was stopping me from having a life or was it?

As I’ve just said there many may disagree with what I have to say next but I think it ought to be said.

I know it’s helped me on a personal level and I truly hope it helps others. Again I may be wrong.

As I grew up with Epilepsy I had a hatred towards my condition a one that would come out immediately after a seizure.

As I’m getting older I have thought to myself  on many occasion that maybe Epilepsy changed me in ways I never thought were possible. Maybe having my condition made me more sensible.

Instead of getting as pissed as a fart drinking bottle after bottle of wine I chose to be mindful (the majority of the time) of what I drank incase it increased the possibility of me having an episode, I didn’t smoke, I was wary at all times of my surroundings and I chose to do this because of my condition.

I chose to exercise, to be strong should an episode arise so I could bounce back stronger.

The big question is would I have been like this if I didn’t have Epilepsy?

Would I have been determined to want to look after my health in the way that I do if I didn’t have Epilepsy?

The big answer is. I truly don’t know.

My opinion of failure to accept what I had and to believe that I could find out who Saz actually was truly a hurdle I wanted to jump over however didn’t know how to.

This was possibly down to the fact that I’d became too familiar with the mundanely feelings of apprehension as soon as I thought about how Epilepsy would have an impact on my day.

Merge this feeling with feelings of growing up and I didn’t want to know.

As I’ve said previously I’d talk about Epilepsy should it crop up and if I was feeling a tad unwell I would have to explain my condition to others in order for them to gage an understanding of my condition that would ultimately make me feel worse.

When I made the decision to seek counselling, to write down my emotional connection with Epilepsy and to see the worry that was standing before me I thought to myself why didn’t I start accepting who I was far sooner than I did?

Why did I think I know it all? I didn’t know half of it.

Instead of listening to my peers and acknowledging their compliments I felt like part of me wasn’t allowing myself to be happy because I didn’t know where Epilepsy would stand in the grand scheme of things.

As I think about the past 21 years of having this condition I realise now that whether you suffer from Epilepsy or not we are all learning on a daily basis.

Whether it be the understanding of your partner, being good at your job, money issues or the obstacles you may face when tackling an episode that is outside your comfort zone what we should understand is that somewhere someone is going through exactly the same things as us.

We aren’t alone therefore why feel like we are alone?

In my previous blog post I referred to not looking back and accepting who I want to be.

I asked you all if you were with me and from the feedback received many were in unison with me to hold onto that positivity in order for that to transfer into our general wellbeing.

Ten days on I’m still applying that method and I hope you are too.

As for the rest of the week…

This house is quite literally pissing me off. The kitchen is gorgeous and my healthy eating is at an all time high.

My preoperational skills in the kitchen are improving (thanks to the newness of the kitchen) and as for the exercise well Shaun T hasn’t got nothing on me.

Weather wise it’s been rather glorious. There I’ve been on my days off lying in the back garden with my Zuszhh tan accelerator on basking like a French fry in the sun (SPF included of course).

The tan is coming along (gradually) and there are no burnt bits! As for the family my parent’s are still as crazy as ever and I cannot stop laughing at how I’m turning into them. It doesn’t matter how much I write about change.. That’s one thing I cannot avoid!

To conclude today’s post.

As the quote I said earlier indicated that I’m still learning. We all are. There’s nothing the matter with falling nor is there anything the matter with wanting to learn more about yourself. I know I’ve had a lot of learning to do.

You get people in life who are adamant that they have no regrets, they have been there done that however that’s them. You are you and you alone.

To me learning is all about understanding the decisions you’ve made and coming to terms with the choices life will throw at you for the rest of your life. It’s all about experiences and noticing the trends that makes you not feel like yourself so you can tackle the issue and move on.

We don’t always have to appreciate what decisions we made at the time however you have to put you and your loved ones first. That’s the most important thing.

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t look back.

“I never look back darling, It distracts me from the now”- Edna Mode (The Incredibles)

I’ve chosen today’s quote from Disney Words a twitter account that I follow because it reminds me of films I’ve watched during my childhood. It also comes out with some quotes that made me think about what it was like to be an adolescent and to see that life can change at the drop of a hat.

The quote I’ve selected sort of contradicts what Sazzle’s blog is all about because by now you can probably see that the majority of the material I write about is about my past and how the world of acceptance can be a place where we tend to deviate from out of fear of the unknown.

Today I decided to take a different direction a one where the thought of looking back is something I’d like to choose of my own accord and not because I failed to accept myself for me.

Ask yourself the following questions before reading on..

Are you a person who dwells on their past?

Do you find you get into this pattern of wishing you had more whether it be in a materialistic way or that you could just click your fingers and be a different you?

I know I have. I know I have compared my life against others and thought to myself “What if?” to be honest as I look back I think to myself what the bloody hell was I thinking.

Yep I wanted slimmer thighs, to fit into shoes that I adored only to be disappointed that I had the flattest feet known to man, to  erase Epilepsy that at the time I could have quite happily given the middle finger to, a little win on the national lottery and the drive to want to pursue a degree however what would it have achieved?

Would I be any better of a person? Would I have been happier or would once I had this be striving for the next bigger and better thing?

We could all sit and live a life of what if’s however what you see on the outside isn’t necessarily what’s going on behind closed doors. As I’ve said in the past Is the grass always greener on the other side?

As I read what character Edna Mode came out with it can be greeted with a mixed response.

This is partly down to the fact that we can smile at the fact that the past has brought so many memories that we don’t want to remove however the future is a one that can lead to great expectation, an expectancy on yourself to be bigger, better, stronger; A one where we are yet to get to the finish line and aren’t quite certain what’s in store for us hence the mixed response.

Lately I went to Paris with my husband for a mini getaway. Before hand we went to London to blend in with the hustle and bustle whist seeing what our nation’s capital had to offer.

As I arrived in Paris a couple of days later and visited the various sites I stood before the foot of the Eiffel tower and thought to myself what it would be like to leave the past alone. What it would be like to accept the positives and negatives in life and pass them off as an experience.

Whether it be Epilepsy related or not I wondered whether this small change could make me realise that life has so much more to offer than homing in our negatives and allowing this to defer us from the path we want to make for ourselves.

I also thought what it would be like if we all looked at ourselves and thought you know what we may not always have to like what we see however you’re unique in your own way therefore instead of looking back why can’t we just be? Why can’t we just say “Hey I don’t want to be like everyone else, I don’t want to just be a number I want to be me therefore why can’t I be proud of who I am”

Let me give you an example.

En route to Paris my husband and I bumped into two women from the North of England who were both in their seventies. They had medical issues however they never allowed it to prevent them from doing what they wanted. They were an absolute pleasure to be around.

Their zest for life was impeccable and throughout their journey of the French capital had more what I would call “get up and go” than most people my age. Their spirit was remarkable and without sounding ageist they probably explored more than us in the same duration something I wouldn’t have expected for people in their late seventies.

They maximised their entire holiday and whilst staying at the same hotel than us would be the first up of a morning for breakfast, would be returning from days out as we were going out for the evening and made me think why do we as people have to be so downhearted all the time? Why can’t we be more like them and have that spirit?

To me they are my inspiration to move my arse. If I could be like that at that age then wow!

They are the people who made me think that life is more than questions because in the small timescale I was with them listening to their stories I learnt that although they have been through rough patches themselves they picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and got on with it. They didn’t look back and they wanted to live their life to the full while they still could. They were doing what THEY wanted to do.

When we think of our Epilepsy only three words enter my mind. Uncertainty, doubt, fear.

To take medication can be a fucking nightmare particularly when you’ve been dashing about and forget to take a tablet because you’re mind can feel like it’s bouncing off all four walls because you’re wondering when the next seizure will happen.

These are two of the many questions that enter can become the norm when you’re tackling a condition and it can become rather overwhelming at times. As I think of those examples instead of thinking of what I turned into I think to myself that you can only do what you can do with the tools that you have.

Everyone makes mistakes and when it comes to your condition you’re bound to at some stage make decisions that you wish you could eradicate however at the time they were right for you therefore all you can do is accept this and move on.

Many reading will look at this and say “Hold on a minute Saz you’ve been down this road before, what’s right for you may not be right for me” and you’re absolutely right however as I’m growing older it’s become apparent that dwelling on the past can only lead to additional worry  therefore accept what is and move on otherwise this can in some cases have repercussions on your health something no one wants.

Epilepsy is a condition that can cause havoc on your mind and can on occasion give you that sense of holding on to the moments where you were at your strongest in order to move forward  however as many people have written before me Epilepsy shouldn’t define you.

On a personal level I’ve thought for a while now that you are your own person with your own thoughts. Your personality should be your drive not solely the Epilepsy. Your condition is a part of you however you are who you want to be not what your Epilepsy wants you to be therefore let’s do this and have that drive those women had.

As for the remainder of my week….

Well I think I pretty much summed it up just there. The holiday was a remarkable experience and a one where although dark clouds brought out the umbrella on occasion I have to say that I fell in love with Paris.

Being one of the most romantic capitals of the world I witnessed the language that made me have to second guess what people were saying and before dabbling in with a few Bonjours, sil vous plait’s and a couple of merci’s myself whilst asking for a beer (or two) I looked at the Parisian way of life and thought to myself that I could quite happily return to visit yet more of the sites France had to offer and possibly buy a beret next time to compliment my nautical blouse.

As for my exercise this resumed on Tuesday and immediately I’m feeling better. The Nutribullet is being used and my fruit intake has increased since returning.

Eating bread after bread after bread has bloated me senseless. Combine that with copious amounts of brie, steak and potatoes can only lead to one thing… Me feeling rather beige, nice at the time but beige. Throw in some chocolate for good measure and it’s safe to say the diet was rather shit. Since returning I have been doing rather well and hope to keep it that way.

To conclude today’s post. Win by being sensible but ultimately live for the now so you can help assist your future.

There’s no need to look back because you’ve been there, done that, worn the Tshirt and probably watched the DVD a fair few times by now. There’s a sense of beauty when you see someone who’s confident and appreciative of who they are whilst being humble, to see what they stand for without aggression, to delve in to what they’re passionate about and to see them oozing what I would call the acceptance factor that can only derive from experience.

Looking back can be a marvellous thing when thinking about the times that stand out for all the right reasons however kicking yourself for times that aren’t so good cannot be what defines you. If we all looked back where would we be? I have therefore made the conscious decision to not look back. Are you with me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The comfort barrier.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”-Neale Donald Walsch.

Life is a word that throws up so many scenarios on a daily basis to the point where we can lose sight of our train of thought and can on occasion question our own ability to succeed with the simplest things that life has to offer. Comfort on the other hand is another thing that can fall into this category.

We can associate comfort with the support our loved ones provide however when comfort becomes too comfortable then feelings can emerge where we wonder whether we are able to cope as individuals or whether we become heavily reliant on the people offering that comfort.

With me I was like that with my seizures. I relied heavily on my parents to the point where I didn’t want them to leave me.

It become the same old practice where I’d be careful, then I’d go into denial, then I’d cry, then I’d be worrying for days on end about everything and nothing. To be honest when the seizures left this pattern never disappeared it became normal to me.

Throughout Sazzle’s blog I’ve stressed the emphasis of support and how having the right support network around you can be beneficial. To this day I’m still hell bent on having the correct people around you, the people who you can turn to for advice, the people who are prepared to offer the advice without scrutiny and the one’s when the going gets tough are prepared to make you smile when you feel like the world is caving in. It’s about give and take it’s not solely about the taking.

Although these qualities are beneficial to aid our negativity towards our condition there is sometimes that overwhelming feeling that you can’t cope on your own and that without that support you’re sure enough to fail.

With me I was a nightmare particularly when it came to criticism more so with my family.

I hated the idea of people criticising me that would then result in me biting. I wanted them to take my advice but when the shoe was on the other foot then all hell would break loose. This was me then. This was me when I was in my late teens.

As I’ve grown older I’ve drawn the conclusion that if you’re prepared to dish it then you have to be prepared to get the same back.  Not everyone thinks like you, everyone is different. Again with me this was a comfort factor an element of control that would backfire. I used to do this mainly with my Epilepsy because in their eyes they couldn’t quite comprehend what I was going through.

Over the past few years I’ve been at battle with myself; albeit it a battle where I can see light at the end of the tunnel the questions that have arisen as to whether I can leave the past where it ought to be, the uncertainty as to whether I can accept Epilepsy for what it is and the wondering whether as a person I can overcome the insecurities I once had has been what I would consider to be a rather large learning experience for me.

To be able to trust the right people has become a question that has always remained a question until now .

To me I have my insecurities the majority I have already explained on Sazzle’s blog however some that have remained tight lipped and have made me wonder why I cannot become an open book and just get it all out there to make myself better.

Maybe this is where comfort comes in; maybe it was the fear that again people just wouldn’t understand.

To not be able to release the doubt is something I have became comfortable with again until now.

Those who know me will know me as being a flamboyant woman who comes out with the most ridiculous things and who forgets what’s she’s just said moments after she’s just said them however there have been moments where the doubt has crept in and the fear of my insecurities returning along with my seizures is one that has caused me immense pressure and something I’ve chosen to push to one side.

As I sit here writing this blog post I remember what it was pre diagnosis, diagnosis itself and the aftermath; all of which has had it’s highs and lows.

Compared to others reading this many may think that in comparison to them it’s been a relatively smooth walk in the park for me however with me it was the psychological aspect of Epilepsy that has been the bitterest pill to swallow. To erase Epilepsy from my life was something I was adamant I could do only to fall every time. Instead of acceptance I chose negativity and in doing so would end up damaging my own recovery.

Without that negativity I didn’t know how to cope much to the dismay of my parents who tried their utmost to help.

To rely on them for comfort is something that children are renowned for doing however there was a part of me who didn’t want to give all of me out of fear of being hurt, being disappointed but most importantly being the person to kick myself in the arse for giving too much away only to be damaged in the process.

To me I’m a person who offers advice and who will listen.

Of course we all have moments where we are allowed to have an opinion however in my eyes your life is your own and under no circumstance should you ever feel pressured to accommodate anyone else because they tell you to. Irrespective of having a condition you are allowed to be an individual like everyone else. As long as you respect others and appreciate that everyone’s different then that’s fine.

On the basis you’re not acting like a complete and utter prick then you call the shots on what’s right for you, you determine who you want on your path to recovery and who will be the correct people to walk with you on that journey.

Growing up there were moments where I felt belittled by people who I thought I was comfortable with. It’s only now twenty years on that I can see that life is too short to be worrying about the past, it’s also too short to allow that same element to become the key factor of your future. Coping with any condition can be complex in itself without the unnecessary worry therefore release the comfort and do what makes you fulfilled and gives you that feeling of wanting more for yourself.

In June of this year I became 29 years of age. As I became that number I looked at it as more than a number. I looked at it as a  pivotal part of me. I knew the following year I would be 30 and that instead of living the same old same old day in day out that I would try to find out who Saz actually was and to live the life I want for myself not the life that others want for me.

I’ve made changes for the better yes however this year isn’t solely about putting too much expectation on myself but to just be me.

No I may never fully appreciate who I am and what I am capable of accomplishing however to know I’m taking the appropriate steps to accept what I have indicates to me that I’m at least halfway there. To say out loud to yourself what problems are indicates immediately that you are breaking away from comfort and are coming to terms with what you want.

As for the remainder of my week…

Last week was all about the spa day where my best friend and I went to a local spa for treatments and a beautiful two course lunch. There we were being pampered, purchasing products, eating like queens in such fabulous surroundings and having that girly time to catch up and relax.

As for the exercise front Shaun T and I will never be best friends however he is showing me results therefore all I have to say to that is £100 well spent. Eating wise chocolate is there but the calories have reduced and my main meals have improved considerably. Nutribullet wise. Wowsers I’ve never eaten as much fruit! It’s safe to say that nothing is going to waste.

As for the remainder of my time the kitchen has quite literally sapped out all of my free time. If I’m not exercising I’m cleaning cupboards, rearranging drawers, dashing backwards and forwards to various stores and running around like a blue arsed fly. Mind you the kitchen is looking rather spiffing and if you are following my instagram account you’ll see if all on there.

Once the tiller’s been the end result will be marvellous and I’d like to think I’m one happy lady stress free and ready to burn everything in sight!

To conclude today’s post. Comfort can be a stickler.

Changing your way of thinking can be a rather large hurdle to cross because you never quite know what’s on the other side. Change on the other hand can also be such a positive thing in life because you’re proving to yourself that you’re making the right changes to benefit you. You’re making a stand against your condition and showing the world that you won’t be beaten. I’ll leave you with one final quote that may put this into perspective.

“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great”- Zig Zagler.