“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”-Anon.
The quote above has been chosen today because I’ve drawn the conclusion that life and courage walk simultaneously together. Courage can be underestimated to others because we are expected through life to face up to the knocks and keep going without any worry. Unfortunately it’s not as simple as that. It can take days, weeks or even years to digest certain information so that when you do digest it you never look back.
This to me is something that over time has become a cross to bare however as I go through my own personal journey I’m coming to terms with the fact that life is to be lived, the people closest to you are meant to be treasured and that unnecessary worry shouldn’t make you self destruct.
It’s about becoming who you really are taking the highs with the lows and appreciating all scenarios as they help form who you end up being. It’s about being you. Not what people want you to be. It’s about saying no at times and doing what’s right for you.
Since writing Sazzle’s blog I have made my feelings known as to how I cope (or the lack of feeling like I was when I was younger), the worries that I was facing and the brick wall I had chosen to put up to my nearest and dearest when I felt that times were overwhelming.
As each year passes it’s safe to say that courage is one of the words that I cannot underestimate and that is giving me the strength to want to continue with the process of moving forward.
Yesterday I was faced with a challenge something that hit me like a ton of bricks and unlike the grand mal seizures and the shaky bouts before it was to test my endurance. Whilst at work my body became very weak, I felt that I wasn’t all there, names were getting muddled and what frustrated me the most was that my body and mind weren’t in sync with one another.
There was this smell this cross between hard boiled eggs and washing powder, It stunk. Immediately I thought a grand mal seizure was on the horizon. Was this an aura or was this my mind playing tricks on me because my body felt low?
I’ve been renowned over the years for being a bit of a routine queen that is quick on a keyboard (my technical knowledge on the other hand isn’t as quick) and tries to remain bubbly at all times however yesterday I was quiet, I turned down chocolate (which is a first), I was frustrated and emotional because this was new.
It was change and I didn’t particularly like it. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was and trying to decipher in my own head what was happening was difficult. This was to happen for a couple of hours.
As I walked around the building with my husband to try and sort myself out there was this part of me thinking “Had I just had my first absent seizure” because I wasn’t shaking, there was no lack of sensation in my face or hands and apart from a headache the symptoms from my previous epileptic episodes didn’t match up. It felt weird.
Immediately I knew there was a rabbit off and the art of courage merged with the advice of the people around me gave me the determination to want to bounce back.
After returning home body exhausted I fell asleep and didn’t awake for a few hours. My body had shut down and instead of feeling weak for the remainder of the evening as I usually am I was up and ready to go.
I didn’t want to be defeated and as for the six hours from the moment of weakness to my awakening I felt fine. I knew rest was required therefore remained settled.
There wasn’t this feeling of anxiety. There was this moment of happiness because I had accepted this new factor instead of stewing about it all night. As silly as it may sound instead of allowing the fear to dominate the situation I accepted it and felt at peace with myself.
Yesterday evening as my body continued to resume back to normal.I couldn’t help but ask myself the following questions:
What if we didn’t have courage in our lives what would we be like?
Would we ever bounce back? Only you can answer that question.
On a personal level I know that it’s taken time to find out what my definition of courage is and that acceptance plays a major role with how you want courage to help contribute towards your life.
We can all sit here wondering what each day has in store for us. Will we have another seizure, will be counting the days till the next episode only to feel like we’ve hit a stumbling block. No we shouldn’t because irrespective of counting you never know what’s round the corner, who you might meet, what situations may arise but most importantly how you tackle those situations.
Like all medical conditions Epilepsy can test your patience however to prove to it that you are still being you whilst coping with what you have is an achievement in itself and takes a significant amount of courage to do.
As for the remainder of my week..
Exercise- Slacked off a little but I’m back on it, the usual five days per week (excluding yesterday)
Food- Apart from my chocolate refusal yesterday I’m eating well. Sweet treats make a swift appearance however I’m mindful of what a large box of chocolate cookies are doing to my hips therefore am cutting that down a tad.
As for the rest of me I’m plodding along, singing a song and just enjoying myself the way we all should do.
To conclude today’s post. Courage. Doesn’t have to be a big word but a word that doesn’t half make a difference. We all have and have implemented courage in our lives at some stage. You may not think it but rest assured you will have.
Never doubt your capabilities. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses therefore be happy with the achievements you have made to your life so far and look forward to what’s about to come. As I said earlier you never know what’s round the corner…That’s a completely different blog altogether but I guess you’ll just have to wait for that one.