“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter”- Martin Luther King.
Before I begin I’ll ask you a quick question. What do you associate silence with? How do you define silence or being silent?
Silence. A word that can speak volumes.
Actually come to think of it usually we associate silence with not speaking at all, to remain silent and to hold in whatever feelings we have. Some people classify silence as a negative word resulting in anger. To others it’s to express that there’s something just not right about the way you feel, about what you would like but most importantly I regard silence as a word when you’re trying to get a specific message across.
We’ve all done it whether the partner hasn’t done the dishes, he/she’s hacked you off because they’ve said something out of turn, you’ve had a bad day at work, you don’t look right in your clothes, the children are misbehaving etc etc.
Silence or so they say can be golden however I’ll let you decide that.
Many may question why I regard silence with delivering a message; my interpretation to this may be different to you however I can only base this interpretation on my own emotional connection with silence.
You can ask anyone who knows me well enough and they’ll say “When Saz is quiet there’s definitely something the matter” because my personality to a degree is quite upbeat because I’m usually bouncing about talking about everything and nothing to anyone wanting to hear. Let’s just say my gran has said for years that I talk for England. Never a truer word said.
The above quote has been chosen today because when it comes to our Epilepsy we can either express our feelings towards it offering support and education to others or we tend to feel like we’re regularly hitting a brick wall where fear miraculously dominates the situation resulting in us wanting to shut off until we want to face the fear. Like I said in my last blog post it’s the wanting to face this in your own time.
To me Epilepsy as a youngster tended to result in that feeling of weakness, of challenging prospects and the worry of not being good enough.
As I approached my teenage years the seizures dissipated and weren’t to return until my late teens.
To be faced with what I can only describe as deja vu the apprehension of not being good enough resurfaced and made me feel like Epilepsy was the enemy. It also made me wonder why after five years had my seizures come back to cause havoc on both myself and the people around me.
Pre adulthood I believed Epilepsy was a controversial condition. I thought that because there wasn’t sufficient information about Epilepsy at the time that it was a taboo subject because there was a lack of understanding there thus making me feel different; like I wasn’t normal and that there was always going to be this grey area where Epilepsy would jump out from behind a corner and scare me at any time.
Instead of accepting that irrespective of me being seizure free that Epilepsy would always remain a part of my life I chose to hide, I chose to have conversations about it when approached however when I closed my bedroom door I didn’t want to be associated with Epilepsy. Things just didn’t make sense.
I wished Epilepsy had just pissed off and went somewhere else because I didn’t want to be faced with this uncertainty in my life. I didn’t want my condition to be the first thing I thought of on a morning and the last thing that entered my head before bedtime. To me that was the routine I got myself into and it resulted in me feeling miserable and unheard because I was afraid if I explained this to others that it would end up not coming out right. It didn’t make sense to me properly therefore how on earth was it going to make sense to them?
As I grew older I knew change needed to come. This monotonous routine was like wearing the same pair of pants day in day out and by now they were well and truly worn. I got sick of worrying about the same old bollocks, the why’s, when’s and what for’s were taking centre stage on a regular basis and I wasn’t impressed with who I was turning into.
It was like Jekyll and Hyde one minute I was perfectly fine the next minute I was a former shadow of myself who’d changed within an instant into this naive needy young woman.
This wasn’t right therefore after careful deliberation I made the conscious effort to go to counselling (on more than one occasion), speak with family and friends and jot down what changes I wanted to apply to my life in order to allow me to accept what I wanted, who I currently was and to regain that positivity on a condition that needed that positivity.
To be negative about Epilepsy is easily done, we’ve all been there however to remain positive gets you through that day, allows you to accept the seizure/shake/side effects that you’ve just endured and makes you see that you can have a life outside of Epilepsy.
You don’t have to be silent, you have a voice therefore on the basis that you’re comfortable to speak then speak, get it out there you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised because you may see that you aren’t the only one with the same worry.
As for the remainder of my two weeks (yes it’s been that long since I’ve written)…
House renovations are going ever so slow. I mean a snail goes at a quicker pace than my house renovations. It would be an understatement to say that it’s been a bloody mare and as for my kitchen no amount of trying to clean it will make it as clean as I want it. Or can it?.. I have to share… You never guess what I’ve been watching?
Well. It’s not exercise DVD’s (for a change) it’s the power of steam and it’s the X5!
Oh my word! Trying to convince the other half to get an X5 is actually easier than trying to get him to buy me the nutribullet (basically just a fancy blender with duel speed and a heftier price tag) that thing is from outer space it’s just a marvel in itself breaking down ingredients better than your bog standard blender and I mean it’s just sublime it really is.
I’ve got a vision of the nutribullet in gun metal grey sitting on my kitchen counter smiling at me after I’ve made a delicious low fat smoothie before sitting on the decking soaking up some rays and burning to a crisp due to my pastey skin. Yes a girl can only dream.
As for the diet well.. It’s not too bad. The chocolate yes it’s still in my life however it’s not as much. I’m opting for lower calorie options on the chocolate otherwise I’d eat the entire contents of my local supermarket pouching every chocolate bar in sight. No more chocolate biscuits are entering the household therefore that can only be a good sign.
As for the main meals themselves (apart from the pizza Saturday gone) they are fabulous full of lean meat, fresh fish, fruit, vegetables and plenty of water.
In fact it would be safe to say that I’ve drank that much water that I’m pissing like a racehorse! Hey that might not be a ladylike statement but I’m not going to lie!
T25 on the other hand wowsers! If you haven’t got it and want a challenge then please go and get it. It’s 25 minutes of your day, it kicks your arse and then you’re done. Shaun T is just unbelievable. He’s got abs of steel and bucket loads of motivation. I’m seeing a difference already and if I can do it then you can too!
To conclude today’s post. Don’t be afraid, have your say. Epilepsy matters. Two words that pretty much sums up that sentence. It does therefore have your say. If you don’t have Epilepsy have your say anyway. Be honest with you to make yourself a happier you.
Silence doesn’t have to be what it is. Instead of associating silence with negativity let’s put in the same category as relaxation, recuperation and happier times. You aren’t alone, you have many who are here to help you. Whether you be the parent, the relative, the friend or the supporter of the ones you love the same rules apply with you.
You don’t have to face anything alone either therefore speak up so you can be strong for the person who needs that assistance. You need that strength for you. Life is to be lived, to be treasured and to be appreciated therefore do what you can to break the silence and to be who you want to be. Why change tomorrow what you can do today?