“I don’t want other people to decide who I am. I want to decide that for myself”- Emma Watson.
As I read the quote above I start to think about the influences that other people have on our lives whether they be family, friends, confidantes, support groups or whether it be ourselves.
I look at how people evolve but ultimately the big question is what does life have in store for us?
To ask that question can be a daunting prospect however over the past couple of days I’ve started to think a tad differently about my life and standing up to not only the past negativity I’ve held onto with my Epilepsy but the feeling of wanting to accept myself and just let go.
The amount of times I’ve questioned myself to others is something I will openly admit. Deep down I knew the answer.
A couple of questions for you.
Have you ever walked into a crowded room and felt like you couldn’t hear anything?
Have you looked at what’s around you and thought there’s just something not right about the way you feel?
I know I have, been there, done it and worn the t-shirt a fair few times. I don’t want sympathy when it happens I just know it’s there.
With me I’m a bit like chalk and cheese.
One minute I’m bouncing about like a loppy dog making others laugh and not particularly giving a shit about the minor things around me, then within seconds what felt like it came out of nowhere I’ve been renowned to become anxious and questioning my every thought. It’s like there’s an alternate me. A me that doesn’t quite believe in herself.
In these surroundings there was only one thing I could point the blame at that being my Epilepsy and as years passed the animosity I had towards my condition grew to the point where I didn’t want to accept that I had Epilepsy.
To me I associated Epilepsy not with just having seizures or shaking episodes but the breakdown in my concentration, the remembering to take my medication at the appropriate times and the testing would just feel like hassle.
It was like I knew I had to address these issues but I didn’t know how to. it wasn’t for the lack of support but it was just my way of coping. I knew the things I’ve just described were essential for my diagnosis however I didn’t want to believe they were.
It was only until I had conversations with the ones I loved along with people outside the box such as counselling that it started to become apparent that not only did I have to change my perception towards the feelings I had with Epilepsy but with my life also. It was going to be gradual and by gosh it wasn’t going to be an overnight job.
I’ve been renowned for having self esteem issues and as I’ve grown older it’s becoming less of a burden.
Don’t get me wrong there have been slight hiccups along the way where again the worried Saz will question who she is and what she stands for however instead of moping and making myself feel downright miserable I’ve decided that instead of fucking about it’s about time I started to elevate what I’ve been taught, take the advice of the people around me and to actually decipher what I want.
It’s about letting go of negativity, letting my hair down and not allowing the positive elements of what’s around me to disappear.
When I say this I mean the family who devote their time to the ones they love, the friends who offer advice because they care and the support networks who are only doing their job to make your life easier but to provide the Epilepsy community with that element of acceptance and understanding of their condition is a marvellous thing to have.
We are all in a similar boat with Epilepsy being the name on the side of that boat so why not row together instead of feeling like we’re standing alone.
I’ll let you in on what feels like a reoccurring event that last night was broken because I acknowledged the issue and stood up to what felt like the ghost. Many of you reading may feel like what I’m about to address is a load of bollocks however it made me wonder. Each to their own everyone is entitled to an opinion.
By now you should have a rough idea as to who I am and how daft I can be however on Saturday night my dreams were to become the topic of conversation. In fact this dream felt more like a mini nightmare and I had it for there nights. I’ll attempt to describe it the way I saw it.
All I remember is standing at my living room window looking onto the garden/houses in front of me. The sun was glaring in, it was a bright orangey yellow and the heat was excessive. Apart from the sun everything around me was white there was no noise, no words, no-one around me. I was alone and appreciating the scenery in front of my eyes. Within what felt like seconds behind me was a dark grey shadow just standing there, again no words.
I didn’t want to turn round however could see it in the reflection of the window like it was some sort of ghost, spirit or the image of an individual that didn’t want to be known. Initially I thought it could possibly have been one of my grandparents who’d died however they always show their face in my dreams so who the hell was this person and why since Saturday had they been in this dream that felt so much like reality?
Before long the shadow approaches me and I wake up still oblivious as to who this person is.
All I know is that I’ve woken sweating and scared. Immediately while awake I become freezing, still feeling that that same shadow is standing beside me. As I turn around there’s nothing there but my bedroom walls and the accessories on my chest of drawers. It just seems strange. To kick myself out of it I go downstairs for a drink and pop the TV on to forget what I’ve just witnessed.
After acknowledging this with friends questions were brought up have the anxieties that I’ve just written been the main tell tale sign that changes are being made however is there still room for improvement? Would I have to stand up to this shadow and see what happens?
I therefore decided that if this dream was to go into last night that I would have to decipher what it was getting to me and address it.
As I did so last night whilst eating my supper I thought to myself. Is that shadow me? Is it Saz doing battle with herself and if so how the hell am I going to solve this? If this dream just miraculously stops tonight will I ever solve the mystery as to who this shadowy figure is?
Funnily enough last night I addressed this issue and that may explain why I’m writing today. As I went to bed last night deja vu struck and there I was again at the window with the greyish shadow.
All I remember is turning around with my hands across my eyes. As I gradually removed my hands the person before me was in fact….. Me. Identical, not a child, a teenager but me as I am right now.
As I questioned myself in the dream and stood up to why it had scared me since Saturday there was only one thing that would define how the other me felt and that was the shadowy figure pointing her finger to the sun and to the beautiful surroundings around me before sitting down for a moment. She finally walked off leaving me alone with my thoughts in the same room with the sun still beckoning in.
The only way I can interpret this dream is that there was a part of my psyche that wanted to change, someone or something greater than me was giving me a message. I was giving myself that message and that was to just be me, to let go of the worry, to allow myself to be the person I want to be and to eradicate the trouble that I burdened myself with for so long.
This wasn’t helping my condition it was just making me feel more anxious about it therefore what was I going to do about it? The answer was to just be happy and to accept that the past is the past, the present is now and the future is yet to be written.
As for the remainder of the week…
Bloody hells bells. The bedroom is officially papered and is looking rather clean looking. The walls are white, the wallpaper a silvery grey and the room a pleasure to sleep in well I’m hoping so after tonight.
As for the kitchen hell that’s a completely different blog post altogether because that room resembles a shithole. The wallpaper is coming off the kitchen as we speak and the kitchen is due for a refurbishment over the next couple of weeks.
Food wise. Well.. The clean eating part of me is getting there. The odd sniff of chocolate beckons my way every so often but I’ve decided the odd treat isn’t so bad.
Exercise wise.. I’ve fell back into the infomercial fad however I have to admit I was impressed hence the ordering in 3 easy payments. The person I’m drawn to is Shaun T’s T25! Now before I hear you all saying “Saz not another DVD from the telly” I’ve decided to hell with it I’m gonna give it a go. If all else fails I’ll send it back this time and get a refund.
On the other hand The lean machine workouts are fabulous however as a test of endurance I need a kick up the arse therefore I’m doing it. Roll on the delivery!
As for the rest well it’s my gran’s 84th birthday coming up so I cannot wait for that so roll on the fine wine, laughs and just general banter as we approach these celebrations this weekend.
To conclude today’s post. Whether it be dreams, things you write down or thought patterns you have deciphering who you are can be the ultimate challenge.
Having Epilepsy can feel like there’s been a spanner thrown in the works however it can make you believe and having Epilepsy can still allow you to have a life even if it doesn’t feel like it at times. Nobody can make decisions for you only you can do that for yourself.