“I was only really able to take charge of my life once I realised that my thoughts were creating my reality. It was such a revelation to discover that I could change my life by changing the way I think”- Lynda Field.
Taking charge can come across as one of two things. Making a stand or being extremely harsh with yourself.
I’d like to think the latter reason is something that we should never do however in some instances you have to make a stand with yourself, ask the questions you’ve been sweeping under the carpet for however long and just be honest with yourself.
This was me yesterday.
Yesterday it was all about purchasing a Pandora ring and returning home shaking and feeling rather sick.
After chatting with people closest to me and supping peppermint tea to decrease the sickly feeling I started to question who the real Saz was. Bare in mind I tend to feel a certain way when I shake.
It’s hard to describe however I can only write the way I know how. I can on occasion become needy, the hopelessness of feeling alone takes centre stage and the inner child in me feels like I cannot cope. It’s the worry that I’m not good enough and in my younger years feeling like I was a failure because I never achieved what I set out to growing up such as going to university, having a well paid job and just being happy with who I was.
People may read this and say “Saz this isn’t you, that’s not the way you write in your blog” however I’m human and unfortunately old behaviours can return. I say this because in my case until you face your fear fully it’ll never go away entirely.
Growing up it was safe to say I was a people pleaser a person who did her utmost to keep others happy. I can safely say this as I now see this. It’s taken what feels like a decade to say this but it’s true. No one told me to be this way I did this of my own accord.
I think my Epilepsy was the crutch and my responsibility to feel like I belonged was something I thought was normal. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case and I can clearly see that the child that I was once was has grown up and has her own life to lead.
I questioned whether my Epilepsy had caused this however as I’ve got older I don’t quite know whether it was. Was it the uncertainty of wondering when the next seizure would hit therefore I would be on tenterhooks 24/7 or was this just a trait in my character?
To me I was a worrier. I’m not afraid to say it. My family will openly admit this is what I have been renowned for doing more so then than now.
From previous posts read I was the girl who was renowned for not being the person who she was if she wasn’t worrying about something and to my family this was normal to them. My grandma originally identified this trend and before long my parents shortly followed.
To them it was my condition’s fault however as time went by I knew there was more to my worry than just my Epilepsy. I was turning into someone who although was afraid of her condition perplexing her body into something else that I wasn’t fulfilling my role as the person I wanted to be.
I wasn’t being strong and in times of seizures/shaking episodes although I gave the impression that I was bouncing back I was more afraid than ever fearing that another seizure would result in my negative behaviour resurfacing and the potential clingy Saz returning.
For years I’ve watched this childish memory turn into what I would classify as something that has held me back and yesterday after consulting with people I think the world of I decided that questions needed to be asked and analysed in order for me to let go of my past once and for all. In doing so this could hopefully give me the tools to actually move on with my future as a happier more relaxed person.
For me writing Sazzle’s blog is about me trying to raise Epilepsy awareness and in turn see if any of you have similar worries to me. I think whilst writing I had failed to take my own advice and as I was shaking yesterday I could see this.
Acceptance is key and yesterday I was not accepting of who I was, who the real me was and who I wanted to be.
After discussion it started to sink in that Life is about about embracing change, changing your focus in life, letting go of the old you and being accepting of what you deem your pitfalls to be in order to bring out the more positive you.
Sometimes you just need people to say it as it is.
Whether it be your family or your friends sometimes you need to ask the questions and be ready to face what answers they have. People say things because they love you not because they want to cause destruction.
As I sit here I can see that everyone can make their own stamp on the world and that we should embrace what is around us right now so we can create new experiences and memories we can hold close for the rest of our lives.
To me Epilepsy is still an extremely complex condition that has thrown so many curveballs my way that I’ve lost count however without it how would I be? There I have to accept this.
As for my personality. Well I’d like to think I’m a caring person, a person who wants to be caring about the ones she loves but carefree about the drama that can on occasion stand before me.
I’m never going to be Miss prim and proper because when I start I have a mouth like a sewer swearing at least once an hour and tripping over my own feet every five minutes however that’s just me. I’m a chocolate eater with cellulite on my thighs so what?! That’s just me.
I lose concentration more times than I’ve had hot dinners and I come out with ridiculous sayings such as while decorating “If I take my wallpaper off will the rain come through the walls?” sort of shit but you know what? That’s just me.
Life is not about your problems taking centre stage it’s about finding new ways to resolve those issues and be happy at the new changes you’re bringing into your life to make that life a happier one.
I see this now.
Taking charge is not always about being forceful it’s about opening your eyes to what you see in front of you. It’s about facing up to what you want from life and in my case holding my hands up high and admitting that something wasn’t right.
As I wake up this morning I have this feeling of contentment. I have this knowing that my shakes will only ever be my shakes and that hopefully they will remain at just that. If they turn into something else I cross that bridge when I come to it.
As for the remainder of my week.
I’ve had a lovely week off work. My husband and I have consumed some delicious food and I have remained on course with my quest to be a healthier me. As part of my 30 day food challenge I am allowed to have a treat and treat I had by consuming a bloody humongous slice of chocolate cake with runny cream. It was heaven on a plate.
As for my exercise and eating pattern. This is without my biggest change. The kilner jars are purchased and thanks to Carly Rowena (you can find her on YouTube along with the Lean machines) she has shown me how to prepare foods for during the week in order to keep on track with this plan.
Exercise wise I’ve stuck to my 30-40 minutes of ball busting exercise all week and I’ve enjoyed it. To see subtle changes is keeping me interested and it’s clear to see in the way my clothes feel.
To conclude today’s post. Identify your worries and discuss these with the people you love. Discover new ways to channel this negative energy whether this be to remove all the worries bringing you down, changing your eating pattern, getting out that exercise DVD or whether it be to invest more time into your relationships.
Having Epilepsy can feel like a life long hurdle therefore why make it harder to cross the finish line by allowing unnecessary worries to stand in your way? Be your own leader, change what you feel will benefit you and make this new you a reality.