The writing on the wall.

“Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it’s addressed to someone else”- Ivern Ball.

This quote hit me like a bag of hammers and got me thinking.

Is this me or do we all fall into the trap of believing that the negative aspects of our life surely cannot be associated with us personally. Surely they’re written for someone else.

This is what I used to believe. Now it’s all about accepting that things happen, they come, they leave, they’re done.

Over the course of the past few days I’ve had the pleasure to reading some magnificent blog posts that have instilled that element of hope back into the Saz regime.

Instead of practicing what I have preached in previous blog posts I felt that instead of writing new experiences on my wall I’ve felt like I had hit a brick wall with parts of the old Saz drifting back into the equation and getting worried for no particular reason. To be honest there was nothing to worry about. I wasn’t worried about family, friendships or work.

There was just something about me that felt iffy, like I was wondering when the next episode would hit. It felt freaky. One minute I’m crying for no reason, the next I’m raging not with anyone just myself with no apparent reason as to why this had happened. And before you ask no I’m not pregnant.

Whether they be medication side effects or old underlying self esteem issues I’ve noticed the worry in myself over the past few days and it’s something I wanted so desperately to kick myself out of.

I think the shaky bout I had over a week ago quite literally knocked me for six and since then there’s been this battle with myself that I couldn’t quite eliminate until yesterday. I can safely say this shaky bout was a scary one. Maybe it was because I felt useless.

Words can’t describe how I felt however all I kept thinking was when will my seizures return and will I ever be given the chance to eventually say that I’ve grown out of my shakes so I can wave goodbye to Epilepsy for good? I’m accepting my shakes so why do I feel this way? I didn’t know!

Unfortunately it’s not that easy therefore I made the conscious decision to fucking move my arse and to tell myself that feeling sorry for myself wasn’t achieving anything. In fact it was making me look quite pathetic.

People may read what I’ve just written and say that I’m being too harsh on myself however I truly believe that sometimes a hoof up the arse is exactly what you need in order to re-write some of the writings on your wall.

I therefore got onto my phone, referred to a couple of recent blog posts written by best friends, searched for inspirational quotes, documented my eating pattern and decided that instead of wallowing in self pity I would channel this negative energy into something else. Fitness.

The thing is I’ve exercised before and it’s made me work however there’s this feeling that I didn’t put the oomph into it. It was exercising for exercising sake. I had to find the motivation. I had to find some form of drive.

Whilst reading what was in front of me I started to see a pattern emerging a one where Epilepsy had a hold with both hands.

Everyone we know and love with any condition has that feeling of disappointment when a seizure emerges or there’s something that you can’t quite put your finger on however the one thing that inspires me most about each and every one of you is that you refuse to be defeated.

Your strength is second to none and the knowing that this is life is something that gives you the boost to continue.

As I was thinking I started noticing that although I have a giggle through Sazzle’s blog that I can be quite a serious person and have been known for taking things to heart in the past.

Unfortunately this can be one of my biggest downfalls and has been for many a year. Instead of wallowing I thought bollocks to this be serious about the things that require it and as for the remainder to hell with it, let’s have a laugh. If you cannot laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?

After returning from my room I attempted to put this new found knowledge into practice.

I therefore started writing like never before documenting my emotions and re-educating myself into knowing that although I have shaking episodes and medication side effects that life must continue and that by me constantly being serious doesn’t equate to anything it just makes me feel deflated.

Out came my extremely tight jogging bottoms, my lean machines t-shirt, my bottle of water (in a purple bottle of course) and my trainers. The YouTube videos were on, my poached eggs with spinach were getting made with love from my other half as I was exercising and I could see a rather tired yet happier grin forming on my face because I was knowing that I was shifting a gere and wanting to make a change for the better both emotionally and physically.

So there you have it. Day one to a happier Saz. A one where I refuse for my writing to just be writing. I’m sticking to it.

To me spreading Epilepsy awareness isn’t just about talking about seizures it’s about documenting our thoughts, our feelings and our battles with Epilepsy amongst all the other things that just so happen to get in between. It’s about allowing people to know that you’re only human and that everyone can come together for the same thing however has other obstacles in their life that take time to address.

It’s about letting go of what you feel may be holding you back and it’s about knowing that appreciating the little things that life has to offer makes you a bigger person, a well rounded person but most importantly it makes you a happier person.

I’ll conclude today’s post with a quote that I would like to think sums up this post and may inspire you should you ever have that moment of worry.

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you”- Walt Whitman.

Don’t be blue, let the sun shine down on you. Write what you feel is required on your wall. It doesn’t have to be the same as everyone else.


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