“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be”- Lao Tzu.
It’s safe to say that this post could be perceived as being a continuation from the last post I wrote on Sunday relating to regret and preparation however tonight there are other things I thought would be beneficial to address to see if any of us are on the same wave length.
I thank you all for the latest comments and likes on my previous post. Like all posts I log you’re continued support is much appreciated so thank you.
Right best crack on..
The past few days have been one of reflection and one of where I as an individual are coming to terms with the fact that letting go is quite literally the best way to go.. for me. When my journey began back in 1993 there was this part of me that entered the whole Epilepsy situation with literally no knowledge, a child wondering what the bloody hell was happening and my parents as oblivious to all of this as I was.
No visible signs of hereditary Epilepsy ran through the family with me being the one to break the mould and challenge what was to be some of the most difficult periods of not only my lifetime but the people who made it a priority to help contribute towards maintaining my positivity when times were low.
The quote above is one that I may interpret differently to others.
I think letting go of who you are shouldn’t be letting yourself go entirely to the detriment of your wellbeing however letting go of what you are allowing to topple you over, the letting go of past issues and knowing within yourself that you are capable of what you want from life on the basis you allow yourself to.
Letting go for me is a hard one because I have for as long as I remember challenged myself on so many levels, being sarcastic to myself during this process, over analysed to the point of no return and questioned my other authority when making decisions to ensure it didn’t result in me losing friendships, upsetting family members and just in the main being a yes woman.
What I wasn’t realising was that the people who loved me for me were doing just that. I had nothing to prove, I was just trying to prove to myself that I could be normal with a condition.
As I’ve got older these traits of mine have become more apparent making me question some time ago why I was thinking a certain way and whether the past had become so much more than just the past. Was it dominating me completely hence the not being able to let go?
Had my longing to be someone different become so great that it was toppling me over? The answer to that question was yes it was.
Maybe it was the Epilepsy talking with me and her battling against one another however to this day I put it down to experience and even at (should I say it smiling) the tender age of 28 we all still make mistakes and have those moments where you wish you could alter the past.
I don’t know about you all however when it came to my Epilepsy other than the remembering to regularly take medication out of fear you will have a seizure or logging every eventuality in your mind out of the worry you’d be unwell was my feelings towards the seizures.
The shakes were a struggle however my seizures were ones that would embarrass me. Many may question what there is to be embarrassed about when you have a seizure because you have no control over them, it’s basically your body’s way of saying it’s had enough, you’re overloaded therefore it needs to have a bit dance first to let go of the energy within you.
With me I remember once when I was at work I had a seizure, it was late on this very evening and I had been at work for about eleven hours making time and glaring at a computer screen all day taking odd breaks to get away from my screen.
Whilst on the phone my mind was perfectly fine, I’d just drank my milky tea and had a piece of chocolate moments previous. Before long I was sitting on the floor glaring up at my remaining colleagues, my manager and two paramedics who were looking at me trying to grab my attention.
The first thing I do when I have a seizure is do what I would call a “mini body search” patting every part of your body searching for cuts, bruises, pain. Then it’s my teeth because I have a fascination with my teeth chipping don’t ask me why maybe I get this trait from my mother because she’s exactly the same. The final yet embarrassing thing is the worrying that I’d peed myself.
Many may question why I’ve just written that sentence however it can happen when you’re convulsing as your body will do what your body wants and as I’ve had experienced previously are fully aware that this can happen anytime.
Without further a do I checked myself when my colleagues were satisfied I was ok praying nothing would happen that could result (and I know wouldn’t however wasn’t focusing properly at this stage) in petty childish behaviour as it did once at school having a seizure when I was first diagnosed.
To me soiling yourself isn’t something to be embarrassed about however it can go through your mind and to this day it makes me wonder whether it may happen should I have another seizure in the near future. Like I’ve said in previous posts maybe it’s the child in me thinking this way. To me letting go of this particular part of my life is something that has taken over 20 years to do and now I can write that this isn’t such a problem anymore.
Some people may think whilst reading this writing in about this particular topic is ludicrous however we all have condition or not these worries that when you think about them long enough you believe will happen or at least are capable of happening again. Maybe it’s the brain’s way of coping, detecting a problem whatever you call it however the big question I’ve asked myself and you can too if you wish.
Why hold on to this worry?
My thought is what we fail to realise is that these instances may never happen again therefore if this is the case why worry?
Why can’t we not look at what we have in front of us right now, try our utmost to be happy with what we have or what we want from life and start being at peace with ourselves? Why has it taken till the beginning of this week to let go of parts of my life I’ve held onto for so long?
As the quote mentions can we just be what we might want ourselves to be that’s content with ourselves, having the knockbacks but being able to say that this is just life and that if our episodes cannot be prevented then surely we can come together and express our emotions to understand more about what we have.
I appreciate this post tonight isn’t everyone’s cup of tea however if it is then if talking helps let’s utilise this tool in order to let go of this worry.
As for the remainder of the week.
Monday was spent with my best friend eating and drinking coffee. It was a perfect mild day catching up and having a laugh. Loved it!
Today I’ve been out with my work colleagues to celebrate Christmas and have a three course meal. We all ate like kings me wolfing down a melon medley, a full pork carvery, some ice cream and to top it off some of my friend’s custard, that’s not including my mini glass of wine! Let’s just say I felt like I ate a rather small horse and will definitely be back on the healthy eating regime tomorrow!
My stomach is still so full that I can barely move! My headaches are here as we speak (I’m not blaming the food or wine as these were required!) therefore I’m writing this post from bed! I couldn’t put my blog on the back burner because I had too much to ramble on about! Ha!
Exercise wise I’ve been keeping this up chopping and changing routines and trying to stick with the Squat challenge. Apart from today I’ve been squatting away!
Family wise we cannot wait for Christmas. We are all like rather large children with me standing at the front eager to see what Santa’s brought! 14 sleeps to go, 14 sleeps till Santa!
To conclude today’s post. Let go or not it’s your choice. What’s to be achieved from worrying? Nothing. I’ve done it for far too long and it isn’t worth it trust me.
Sometimes people question why they’re frustrated and like you I’m exactly the same however knowing taking that leap can make a massive difference. Merge the advice from others with what you want from life and you might get the answer you desire. Do what you feel is right for you.