“It is better to look ahead than to look back and regret”- Jackie Joyner-Kersee.
This morning I have chosen a quote that I feel I have done for many years and something that I tend to go back to particularly when I’m shaking and at my most vulnerable. In this quote three words stick out like a sore thumb for me LOOK AHEAD & REGRET.
Ask yourself this question when it comes to any aspect of your life is there something that you regret doing? When it comes to your condition if you could turn back time what advice would you tell yourself and would you do anything differently to benefit yourself?
When it comes to life I’ve drawn the conclusion that the majority of things happen for a reason. When it comes to people and their perceptions of you only the ones closest to you should matter the rest is irrelevant.
Out of my lifetime it’s probably taken about twenty four years to look in the mirror and stare at this in the face because I have had the tendency to look for the good in people instead of seeing what’s in front of me.
As I grow older I’m coming to realise that life is what you make of it and although I reminisce in this blog of my experiences I know that the person I am becoming is different to that of the person I once was. My mannerisms have altered somewhat (My friends will tell me I’ve probably got worse turning into Mrs Forgetful, I’m not going to deny this) and my outlook on life is changing and becoming far more realistic than I’d hoped many moons ago.
Basically what I’m trying to say is that when it comes to Epilepsy my mood has changed into a one of fear, unexpectedness and apprehension to someone who although cannot quite fathom how I got here are starting to comprehend with what Epilepsy is and how it has entered my life. When it comes to Epilepsy the blame I once had is starting to fade into the background revealing the Saz I want to be, the one it’s taken a while to accept.
Regret is a very strong word of which the majority of people in life have regrets whether this be the way you’ve handled a situation, you’ve allowed someone to dominate a situation however in my case the one that’s most prevalent is the way I had allowed my condition to dominate me so much that I lost a very large part of my personality to a condition out of my control.
In the past many have asked me ” Can you not prepare for a seizure, is there nothing you can do to help yourself”.
Initially I wanted to express my frustration and ask them if they were in my situation could they prepare for a seizure. The more I condense that question down the more I know that we cannot prevent a seizure from happening, however what we can do is know that hopefully an episode will pass and on the premise that we understand that this is a blip in our life’s cycle that this is exactly what it is.. a blip.
Even with our bodies sore and negativity at times questioning our ability I know from the people I’ve spoken to within the past year that you all have that sense of hope, that longing for more but most importantly you are sharing your concerns with ones who want to listen thus helping others. That is a power no one can take from you.
I think when it comes to life in general in the back of my mind I had the fear of being alone should a seizure happen and in the worst case scenario what would happen if I never woke up?
Alone with my thoughts and wondered whether I’d ever be able to accept what Epilepsy was. As much as I have such admiration and love for my mam I’ve watched my mother be alone with me and when moving out have her own thoughts within her four walls. With me I used to question whether I’d have the power to push past that feeling of self doubt.
My mam used to sit with me regularly and advise to leave the past alone because it isn’t worth dragging up. Whether it be the negativity I had towards my condition especially after a seizure had taken place or whether it be the longing to change my past she made me see that the past is just another chapter in your book that although we can look back at occasionally should not be the catalyst of what I want my life to be.
My mam couldn’t always put into practice what she was advising her daughter however what she did do is give me the tools to want more, to get my feelings onto paper and to leave regret at the back door. This is the thing with parents you daren’t say it out loud however they’re usually right in most scenarios.
On a lighter note.
The week has went over quite quickly.
My gran is still telling me tales of her latest holiday venture on her cruise of the Mediterranean, my mam on the other hand is raving about New York and making me extremely jealous in the process. As all tourists should do she returned back home with an “I love NYC” mug for my husband and I. I couldn’t help but laugh after she left the pricetag on the bottom! Daft arse!
The remainder of my Christmas presents were purchased yesterday for family members. Dodging Saz was back in force bracing the crowds and doing a little “one two step” around the customers to get to the till. The aim is to have your father in one queue and you in the other, whateve queue goes down quickest then jump in with that person!
Food wise it’s getting better. I had a major slip a week or so ago to which I was pouching chocolate everyday. This weekend hasn’t been too bad so far. I’m still allowing myself to have something sweet however not to consume what I have done lately. At least I’ll be good until Christmas eve and then maybe I may have to have a little ice cream..
Exercise well I’m onto a winner! Woo hoo!!!
After speaking with many of you and reading my last post I started to think that my goals don’t come for free therefore I’m back on my exercise DVD whilst using the 30 day challenges sent by my friends for that additional push. It’s safe to say Saz Fonda is back, not in the lycra of course! Not a pretty look for me at all!
To conclude today’s post. To prepare for life is one thing you can prepare till you’re blue in the face. Having an episode should hopefully not dampen that preparation.
It may knock you over from time to time however from what I’ve read from all of you and the determination you have given me to continue should show yourself how important you are. As for regret well leave it at the back door, what’s the point in looking back when you have your whole life ahead of you?!