The child in me.

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once that child grows up” Pablo Picasso.

Today has felt like a funny old day where nothing seems to be going right and the repercussions of yesterday’s events are evident to see in my facial expression.

I thought tonight was crucial to not impose my feelings onto others but to see if anyone can share my current thoughts and putting it bluntly provide me with the kick up the arse I well and truly need.

The quote I’ve chosen today is quite ironic and poses great relevance to the past 24 hours.

Throughout my journey I have tried my utmost to bare my life to you all and give you an insight as to how I really feel in order to contribute towards Epilepsy awareness and hopefully give others the strength to say how they feel.

My intention is not to reap sympathy but to provide you all with that feeling of knowing that there has to be something more than just Epilepsy, that you as an individual should have that sense of self worth.

Yesterday was like any other working day. Waking up at what feels like the crack of dawn, wiping the buildup of sleep from my eyes before eating my bowl of cereal, taking my meds and getting dressed for work. No worry was involved all I could feel was excitement to have an earlier finish and to see my gran like I do every Tuesday.

On the way to work a part of me changed. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. No warning just doubt.

A headache emerged from nowhere and I started feeling warm and uncomfortable. A

After telling myself to take deep breaths and to get fresh air was my top priority, that and trying to think clearly because my mind was drifting into all types of directions resulting in me seeing bouts of double vision. Trying to pull myself round I entered the building that felt ever so stuffy that and trying to convince myself that all would be well irrespective of my body shaking like a leaf.

Within fifteen minutes my legs felt like giving way with my colleagues assisting me into the medical room for a lie down. The sensation in the left hand side of my face completely gone and me wondering what on earth was happening all the while still trying to crack the odd joke to make myself and everyone else feel at ease.

It was like I was drifting elsewhere partially aware of what was happening and knowing that rest was required.

Part of you may question why I chose to write the narrative before telling you my feelings in full. I say this because over the past 24 hours I have analysed something I never thought could be possible however using the experience given by my therapist and after consulting family are now in a position to tell you my interpretation of this story.

A question for you before I continue? When you are in times of trouble who is the first person you call to help you? Is it your parents? Is it your partner? Your kids perhaps or are you quite capable of coping single handily?

What I’ve noticed particularly over the past couple of years is that every time I have a large shaking episode two characters tend to emerge.

One is the positive Saz adamant that she will overcome the worry and knowing that the episode will pass not caring about other people’s perceptions of me. On the other hand the negative Saz will be in collusion with the positive me and between them both they battle one another for the championship title all the while my body feels tired, my face as rough as a badgers arse and my mind all the shop.

After a lengthy discussion with my husband yesterday evening it finally dawned on me. The negative me wasn’t someone I should be battling with. The negative me was the child in me, the child who wanted to be loved, the child that wanted so desperately for my condition to be eliminated but most importantly the child who needed that reassurance from her family to know that deep down everything would be ok.

The bond I share with my parents is one that cannot be broken however has a one of great challenge and perseverance. Although my parents never prevented me from having a life due to the resentment it could cause in the future my parents were very protective and at times made me question whether they were doing this because I was their child or whether it was because Epilepsy had entered their child’s life.

At 28 years old and after having Epilepsy for over 20 years there’s still this part of me deep down who asks for my mam every time a shaky bout happens. As if a cuddle will make it all better.

If my mam isn’t available then my husband and my dad are a close second. Maybe this is because they are the main people who have seen me convulse. It’s like without them then I’m truly alone. Partially aware of what I’m doing there’s this part of me that when shaking loses this inhibition and hopes that the key to lock the door holding this shaky bout will be clasped firmly in my parent’s hands.

Whilst writing this I am finding it rather difficult to acknowledge that this has been my behaviour and that as an adult why is this happening? Is it the trauma my Epilepsy has brought me or is it the fact that only now am I coming to terms with being the adult I’ve always wanted to be and therefore have to accept that it will take time to change my thought pattern when my shakes are involved.

My motivation as a result of these unfortunate mishaps has been shot to shit along with my concentration. My body is tired however I feel like I need to run a marathon to prove to myself that this large bout hasn’t dented my confidence. Does that sound ridiculous saying that?

After talking to my online friends, my family and colleagues I know that as I’ve said before you cannot do everything yesterday. You have to admit you’re going to have times of struggle and that until you pick up on those signs then this pattern isn’t changing in a hurry therefore what can we do to change it? I’ll leave the ball in your court.

As for the rest of my week.

The in laws provided me with a gargantuan feast on Monday evening much to the dismay of my attitude after I ate the entire table. It was rather healthy apart from the crème brulee sitting winking at me across the table.

Exercise wise I’m plodding along however know that change is needed. Thanks to the girls I’ve restarted the squat challenge this evening therefore I’m keeping calm and squatting on. I’ve merged that and the yoga from slim in 6 to woop this tush into shape!

To conclude today’s post. Do you revert back to the inner child in you in more ways that one? Step aside the fun, laughter and childish behaviour and what do you uncover? Are you someone who’s suffered from Epilepsy from an early age and can associate with my occasional mannerisms and if so how do you cope?

What is required is this. Tell someone, address the issue and see where it gets you. Talk to the ones you love and see if they can see something in you that you’re not quite noticing.

Before I go I thought I’d write the following, whether it be the adult in you or the child in you see if this makes you smile.

As Mrs Pott said in Beauty in the Beast “Cheer up my child it’ll turn out alright in the end” and you know what I think she’s right!

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8 thoughts on “The child in me.

  1. I like you split in 2, I’m either as meak and mild as a door mouse or as angry bag of cats. I guess the mild me is my child, but I always look at getting over things on my own.

    Pretty sure I would walk myself to my own funeral rather than ask for help. Often I am forced by hospitals, paramedics, my parents, or my brother to accept help when it comes to a seizure. Its not in my nature.

    • Hey Chris

      Thanks for the comment. Part of me chuckled on this one because with me I can associate at times. With me it’s like I’m oblivious to what I’m doing and how I’m reacting. There’s this part of me that wants no help at all but the other part of me requires the reassurance when I’m not at my strongest. Strange eh?

      I like your openness and think you’re a pretty cool guy to chat to! Thanks for your comment mate, glad you liked tonight’s post. 🙂

      • I read every post you make, depending on where I am reading it depends on whether I am able to press the like button or if applicable comment.

        If more people read it then it might stop people feeling so alone.

      • Thanks so much chris that means a lot. That’s my aim to state how I feel and try to help others in the process. Thanks for your continued support mate.

  2. Great post. You said, “My body is tired however I feel like I need to run a marathon to prove to myself that this large bout hasn’t dented my confidence,” and I thought “that’s exactly how I feel!” I tell you this because your very next sentence was ,”does that sound ridiculous saying that?” It’s not at all ridiculous, it just sucks, doesn’t it? I totally understand.

    • Thank you ELSL for that comment.

      I thought I was the only one however receiving this from you has made me see that we aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing your thoughts to me and giving me the hope that help can others x

  3. Hi, I only came across your blog tonight thanks to a retweet on twitter but I’ll be reading it each time you publish it now. I am trying to come to terms with a worsening of my condition which has happened steadily over a couple of years now and also trying to help my daughter who’s 22 and has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy too and it seems that there is so little help out there for the anxiety, worry, fear and low self esteem that comes with it. Like you I want to run marathons and even climb mountains just to prove it can’t beat me but I’ve lost my highly paid job due to the deterioration in my condition and at the moment, the highest challenge I face is providing for my lovely family. I love the way you write, the honesty and openness are refreshing and it’ wonderful to know that my thoughts are similar to yours – it’s comforting to know that others feel that when they try to raise awareness it can seem that they are trying to rake up a huge pile of sympathy but they are in fact just trying to explain how complicated this condition is. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading your next blog. Take care and thanks for cheering me up at a time when I’d begun to feel that the marathon is too long and the mountain too tall. Ian

    • Hiya Ian,

      First and foremost thank you for sharing your story with me and commenting on my blog.

      I’m sorry to hear of your current situation however am quite an optimistic person and try to find light at the end of the tunnel whilst being real with what epilepsy can entail.

      Upon diagnosis my parents were and continue to be extremely supportive as you are with your daughter. To them epilepsy was a stumbling block to which like you mention had no real support to release their anxieties epilepsy brought to their family.

      You’re true in what you say about epilepsy awareness hence why a few online friends of mine are trying to help parents like yourself and indiduals with epilepsy give you the opportunity to say how you feel towards epilepsy in general to see it there’s any resemblance.

      At present it may feel that it’s hard however know from my experiences that it does get easier. I found that once you start to accept what you have then it does help.

      As a starter there are a few sites you can go on that I found helped me. They can be found online, Facebook, twitter etc.

      Those are The ten network, epilepsy action. Epilepsy Scotland, young epilepsy and elhf all are great sources of information and provide support networks to epilepsy sufferers and relatives supporting their loved ones.

      I truly hope that this has helped. You’re never alone so if you want to drop me a comment at any time then please do.

      If either of you are on Facebook there’s links on my blog page and of course on twitter under Blogsazzles for a chat and recommendations as to who to follow to assist.

      Take care and lots of love x

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