“Let the past be the past and let it pass”- Anon.
The past a word that possibly everyone in their lifetime will drift into particularly when you’ve overcome a hurdle that has felt like it’s taken a million years to reach.
Tonight’s quote has been chosen because the past is something that you can either be proud of or belittle in your own mind. The past to many is something that should be left well alone however the odd exclusions are an exception such as starting a family, getting the keys to your first home, achieving the grades you longed for at school and making a small difference to the world we live in.
Whilst writing this evening’s quote I started thinking about where the past lies in all our lives and whether individually we prefer to leave the past alone or whether we use this tool as a way of capturing achievements and seeing how far we’ve come as people.
When the word Epilepsy is mentioned my past and Epilepsy were in unison with one another because for years I never knew where we stood together was it side by side or was it a war with one another.
The idea of my parents allowing me to live a relatively normal life was something I was grateful for however something that scared me senseless. With me the overwhelming sense of naivety and concern would take over and made me question my ability as a person particularly when I was convulsing or feeling low.
Over time I’ve witnessed many people use their past as a crutch. I have to admit that with me I was one of those people however I did it with my Epilepsy.
Although there were restrictions in what I could and couldn’t do mentally my mindset wasn’t right and I used the condition I wanted to distance myself from as the crutch from difficult situations.
Let’s just say I was too afraid to see what was in store incase my condition was tampered with in any way therefore made the ultimate decision to enter therapy, counselling and seek professional help on more than one occasion to prevent me veering off course any further and to give me that air space to prevent me from allowing this pattern to continue.
The past to me is like an island. My gran used to always say that “No one can ever make decisions for you sweetheart, that my darling has to come from you, it has to come from within”
Basically what my gran was trying to say that until I took the initative and stood up for what I believed in would I ever find peace within myself. Taking on board what she said above has stook with me for over ten years it’s the getting there that was the real obstacle.
Taking age out of the equation my thought process at one stage was somewhat challenged and I couldn’t see the wood from the trees.
Part of me wanted to blame my condition however there has to be an element of responsibility for you to move forward. Past bereavement, anxiety, stressful situations that I was putting myself in, regular shaking episodes and the occasional seizure made me question who Saz was and whether I would ever meet her face to face and be happy with who Saz was.
Let’s just say my interpretation of the past was me holding on to what I thought others wanted from me and looking back this was never the case. I was doing what I thought they wanted because I didn’t know what I wanted from myself.
I blamed the people around me for behaving in a certain manner however it was me that had to make the stand, it was me that had to accept that Epilepsy was a part of my life, it was me that had to realise that my past was starting to diminish and apart from my condition if I wanted to live me life then I had to live it.
Having any condition can drain you frequently however in my case as many others I’ve spoken to gives you the will to want more, it’s a battle you don’t want to be defeated in. Having Epilepsy for me has created a porthole of memories, questions and support however most importantly it has given me the opportunity to jump into that porthole as and when I please.
Alternatively it’s given me that insight as to how as a person I must cope and that as much as I love the people around me I have to make the releveant choices to benefit me and my husband.
Sitting there waiting for someone to make a decision for me isn’t the life I want to lead. Maybe people may disagree however I believe condition or not it’s about deciphering what you want, writing it down and attempting to make it happen. When I say this I don’t mean having everything yesterday I mean mini achievements like walking down the path you’ve been anxious to walk down for many a year or in my case attempting to make a cup of tea without spilling it all over the place.
Think of these past worries like you’re Epilepsy and find that fighter within you. If you fall down then you get back on that horse and know in yourself that you’ve given it a good go however if you don’t and all bodes well then by all means ride off in the direction you choose for yourself. If you choose neither then how can you complain?
As for the remainder of my week.
Exercise- Not as existent as I want it to be.
Food- A mini Victoria sponge cake and a couple of rich tea biscuits
Family- As chipper as ever.
Benny- Attempting to get into the Christmas boxes underneath the stairs to play with the baubles.
Before I finalise today’s post I’d like to wish everyone who will be celebrating thanksgiving a wonderful day. From the photo’s I’ve seen so far of Christmas trees, food and good will I am rather jealous as we don’t celebrate that in the UK however may have to raise a little glass of wine tomorrow night with my meal and give thanks to everyone I hold dear including you all for making me a happier person.
To conclude today’s post. Choose what direction you stand when you’re past is concerned. As I always say the past is the past, the present is now and the future is yet to be written. I’m trying to stand by that. Are you?