What do you dream of?

“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is a reality”- John Lennon.

Dreaming. One word many authors have made an absolute fortune publishing books on, the majority of which have created little summaries of what they perceive dreams to be and how dreams have an impact on your mind.

Whether it be dreaming sweet thoughts of destinations outside of the world you live in or the fact that your determination to succeed will result in you achieving your dreams a dream is whatever you want it to be. Usually you want to share these with the people you hold dear.

I think there is the possibility that we all have thought to ourselves we wouldn’t mind being financially stable, purchasing a new house, a new car or jetting off to somewhere magical however when it comes to dreaming for me being happy has topped the list I’ve just mentioned there. Being comfortable in my own skin ranks a pretty close second.

Growing up with Epilepsy hasn’t been a walk in the park, it’s been difficult for all involved particularly my parents who have seen the severity my epileptic episodes had to offer. Whether it be pulling me out of the family vehicle onto a motorway with cars speeding past you or pulling their child from a bathtub neither are easy for anyone let alone a a loved one.

When it came to my condition I placed a significant amount of blame on my shoulders of which my worries could on negative days evolve into paranoia and requiring that constant reassurance from the ones I loved most.

Part of me questioned whether this paranoia had anything to do with my medication side effects, to this day I cannot quite answer that one.

Although on the outside I was a young girl trying to find her feet, cracking jokes and making friends there was this part of me that didn’t feel complete. It was like there was this part of me that never ever thought any of my dreams would actually happen because my condition could restrict me in ways that I would be oblivious to because of the unpredictability of when an episode would occur.

When I was ten my nana passed away from a heart attack. My nana lived with my mother and I in the home I shared with her before moving into my current house with my husband. Living with my mam was an eventful experience, a one I love however wish I could have done differently perhaps.

Like the majority of mother and daughter relationships our heads clashed and words were exchanged however she was my mam and I was growing up. Like my mam my nana was a woman who knew what family meant and although not comfortable financially she always ensured that while under her roof my mam and I were cared for.

My nana was the person who was there when I had my first seizure back in 1993 to when she died two years later.

My nana was the one who like the remainder of my family as years progressed would sit with me when my parents were working and would listen carefully to what I had to say. Knowing her grandchild was diagnosed with a condition neither of my parents had before me was something my nana could see upset my mam from the outside in.

My nana was my mam’s confidante as she is mine and when she died this negative energy unfortunately took over and questioned whether my dream of being seizure free for the remainder of my life could become my reality. All I could see was that now nan had gone that this worry would be imposed solely onto my mam , something I didn’t want to do.

Following many seizures, shaking episodes and constant worry my mam knows my seizures like no other.

She has seen pretty much 90% of them to which she finds this elusive strength to care for her child and become that protection barrier between me and my condition. My mam has sat through numerous neurological appointments and has given me that independence to live my life without worrying when the next episode would hit.

Eighteen years on my perception of dreaming has changed somewhat because what can be deemed as a negative has been turned into something positive.

People may question my thinking when saying this however each and every member of my family past and present has taught me that not everyone may not have the same interpretation of what Epilepsy is and you know what? That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s only when you are scrutinised for having that condition is when the problems truly arise.

Only now am I seeing that although my condition can dampen my day it doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to erase my dreams permanently and that all along my mam and I have dreamt for the same thing for me to be happy, healthy and preferably seizure controlled.

Unlike previous thoughts of ours that we’ve questioned in the past when Epilepsy is involved I can still jump on that plane, I can still make do with the money I earn, I can still have a relationship and I can still love without that worry of Epilepsy pulling the rug from underneath me and you can to. Those are mini victories within themselves.

As for the remainder of my day.

Saturday’s can mean only one thing. Family time.

After having lunch with my dad and joking about everything and nothing I decided that there was only one thing that would make my day without breaking my healthy eating regime.. A slither of chocolate and by gosh was it heavenly. I passed the remainder of the chocolate bar to my husband in which he devoured the lot and I was very jealous! Nevermind at least he got to enjoy it.

The Saturday ritual wouldn’t be complete without a £2 accumulator on the football. Bearing in mind football isn’t my greatest subject to discuss amongst individuals I decided that the football bets must be done. After having my fingers crossed that my luck wouldn’t run out and I would win like my mini victory last week (After something like my 260th consecutive loss I won £31 last week) that I would be onto yet another winner.

Unfortunately come 3.12pm (kickoff was at 3pm) my winning streak ended miserably and back to the drawing board I went. Bloody boo hiss.

Exercise wise that’s far better than my small gambling capabilities I’m on track exercising at least four times per week and feeling rather energised if I do say so myself.

To conclude today’s post. Dreaming is whatever you want it to be. Like memories your dreams are your own and they can never be taken away from you. Share your dreams if you find it’s easier or better still say them out loud if that makes you feel good about what you want.

Condition or not you’re entitled to go for what is within your reach without being pressurised or questioned because of your disability. You have every right like anyone else to show the world what you’re capable of and no-one should ever tell you differently.

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