“Better keep yourself clean and bright. You are the window through which you must see the world”- George Bernard Shaw
The world. It can sometimes feel like a daunting prospect when you’re suffering from a life long condition however to others it can be taken for granted. I think to an extent we have all maybe taken things for granted at some point in our lives such as our health and our loved ones however that’s what makes you human.
You aren’t invincible and under no circumstance is anyone perfect therefore after changing my mind set I know I cannot beat myself up about that.
I have however read this afternoon’s quote and thought to myself why didn’t I not look through the window George is describing a long time ago? Why is it only now that I can see people for who they are and situations for what they represent?
I think I can answer that question quite promptly.
I think it’s because I’ve never actually sat back and looked at who I am as a person. I’ve looked at myself as a wife, a friend, a relative and a person who has Epilepsy however not the Saz as you all know.
I don’t think I’ve noticed who I am and what world I’ve created for myself. I think as deep as this sounds if I’m honest with myself I don’t think I’ve given myself the opportunity to embrace what’s around me.
When the word clean and bright is mentioned you think of something sparkling, gleaming and shining ever so brightly maybe to the extent that you have to wear a pair of sunglasses to take the glare from your eyes. I never thought of myself as a sparkler I saw myself as being someone who unfortunately was struck with an condition from an early age that I couldn’t run away from.
This condition to me made me feel scruffy and made the uncertainty of my life all that more apparent.
As I write this my opinions of this so called dirtiness has faded more than ever because Epilepsy isn’t just about epileptic episodes it can make you think differently in some cases for the better.
Some may argue at that however for me it stopped me from drinking excessively out of fear my medication would be erased, ensured that the majority of the time I was home at a reasonable hour and that I looked after myself incase the worst case scenario should happen.
I remember as a child watching my mother work extremely long hours to provide for me, my dad picking me up from my aunt’s house after school spending time with me before taking me to my Grans to spend time with my friends and to shut myself off from the condition I had.
Growing up in the main I enjoyed my childhood playing games and laughing amongst friends however there was this part of me I felt that didn’t fully belong. Maybe it was because I didn’t appreciate who I was and how far I was coming. Like all children I needed to find myself in the world and unfortunately when you’re convulsing regularly and feeling insecure about yourself then you’re bound to feel that sense of disappointment.
As a person who post therapy can now sit here and say that counselling was all worth it I now know that within myself that I now know I belong.
I know there are millions of people out there who may feel that same sense of disappointment like they are caving in without no recognition from others. I understand entirely how that feels particularly after you’ve had an episode and you’re feeling worse for wear.
It infuriates me something rotten to think that there are a significant amount of people who are ignorant to the anxieties men, women and children of all ages have to contend with due to lack of understanding and support.
When I was younger I was extremely fortunate to have a family who listened to me who although didn’t really understand what I was going through tried their very best to offer advice and give me words of encouragement when I wasn’t quite myself.
At counselling, therapy whatever you want to call it I felt at peace with myself like I had opened a can of worms and didn’t want to hold the can anymore. I didn’t want to have that sense of self doubt when a shaky bout hit or an angry spell was arising or question my self esteem in times when I should have been laughing out loud and enjoying myself when I was feeling stronger.
For years I’ve wanted to be the person I’ve only ever dreamt of. that person is someone who’s content with themselves, who appreciates the people surrounding her and who when all’s said and done can laugh in the face of danger, remain optimistic in times of need and tell the people who don’t actually give a shit to sod off and sort their own problems instead of drawing their conclusion of my life.
I now know that 20 years on this can be accomplished. As an adult taking baby steps may sound silly however has been essential in order for me to move forward.
As for the remainder of my week. Let’s summarise.
Been to work all week and are well and truly shattered. Had the opportunity to catch up with friends and family and to have a bloody good laugh in the process.
As for my eating that’s like 50/50. Today I succumbed to a twirl. I didn’t give anyone a twirl however the rippled chocolate peering out of the top of it’s purple wrapping made me smile. It was wolfed down in under a minute and was worth every bite. Little and not so often. Remembering the good old saying a moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips!
Better still… I’m extremely impressed with my cooking and I’m adamant that I will be a domestic goddess within the next year.. or five!
Exercise wise this has slacked this week as I’m well and truly hooked on Boardwalk Empire. Wowsers! Back on it in five minutes!
To conclude today’s post. See the world. At times we turn on our television sets and see what’s happening in the world today to which we try our utmost to refrain from shouting profanities because we cannot change what happens in other people’s lives. We can however change the way we view our own.
What I would say is that you can be if you want to be the person who has the last laugh. Condition or not if you’re happy with “your lot” then you have the last laugh because no one can take that away from you. Shine as brightly as you want to and as for the rest well that’s history.