No quotes just one word. Hope.
A mixture of three things tonight. One person, one condition, one almighty decision.
Not usually am I a person who believes in the afterlife however over the past couple of years I’ve started to think differently.
Today I’m convinced someone was looking down on me, that person has to be my Shoops.
Like the sun that shone so brightly on our wedding day he was the man who although didn’t understand fully my condition attempted to provide me with the advice I craved growing up. He wanted to learn for my sake however never got the opportunity to see how far I’ve come and who you (all my friends and followers) are that have helped me get there.
Many of you may question who my shoops is however this person is without doubt the most fabulous and gracious man I’ve ever met. Not only was he a gentleman and a man with integrity but was someone that I am proud to say was my granddad.
For those who have read my blog from the get go may be aware of how inspirational this man was to me.
He wasn’t the most intelligent however he was a man of great elegance, who would only swear amongst men when the football was on of a Friday evening whilst chatting with the gents over a few swift ales in the smoking room. He was also the man who picked me up when my parent’s permanently separated.
You knew my Shoops was coming because of the blue chinos he wore, the flat cap he’d use to greet others and the fact that he was the most well dressed man in the room. He was a dear friend to all.
The word Shoops is a pet name that at the tender age of two I called him whilst standing up at my gran’s house living room cushions around me trying to balance myself.
It’s safe to say that my shoops was the man who caught me when I fell, kept open the restaurant door for my gran and I to walk through, slid the odd galaxy chocolate bar my way when I was occasionally naughty and who made me see that there were men in the world who weren’t all about sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Unfortunately at the age of 17 my shoops lost his battle with throat cancer and it quite literally broke me in two.
I loved this man with all my heart and was honoured to call him mine. Nowadays I see my shoop’s qualities in the two remaining men in my life my husband and my dad. Their personalities reflect my Shoop’s zest for life and want for success for his only grandchild.
Both men provide me with the stability, continuous support and honesty I need to get me by. Like the man before them they have made me see that life is too short to ponder and that memories cannot be taken from you. You create them, you deliver those memories verbally to others and write about them to appreciate that life is for living.
Today was a day filled with apprehension and anticipation as off I toddled to neurology.
Firstly there was the apprehensiveness of my dreams being shattered and the worry that my husband and I wouldn’t be able to extend our family. On the flip side the anticipation started to take over me. It was the me hoping so desperately that we would hear some good news and that the light I try so hard to see would be standing in front of me.
Come 1.45pm here my husband and I sitting in the neurology waiting room. After a forty minute delay I walked into see the neurologist palms sweaty and head all a blur.
Within moments there I was sitting clutching my hands in my husband’s explaining to my neurologist my dilemma.
Whilst flicking through my medical records my neurologist made me aware that it had been almost three years since our last appointment in which I talked and he listened.
Today it was a completely different ballgame. Now there was something greater than myself to focus on, this time it was about concentrating on my family. My husband being my carer so to speak throughout this new journey and me having to remain calm in the process.
Yes my shakes are a concern however this is something that has been on my mind since I became an adult.
Whilst talking to my neurologist I could feel my throat going dry, my sentences being rattled off and me not pausing for breath. It was like the worry was overwhelming me and I wanted to get this appointment over and done with so I could get on with my life.
Within half an hour my neurologist had confirmed that the medication dosage I was on was not deemed as a risk therefore there was no need to alter. He continued by saying that Keppra was a relatively new anti epileptic drug however there were hundreds of women who although had seizures during their pregnancy were perfectly fine. The chances of hereditary epilepsy would be low as neither of my parents carried the epilepsy gene.
Further questions were raised from me the biggest one being:
“What would happen if I had a seizure whilst delivering?”
My neurologist calmed me and explained that the relevant medical professionals would be monitoring me repeatedly and would be on call should the worse case scenario happen of which the chances are remote.
On the basis I look after myself, keep up the medication dosage I’m currently on and remain as stress free as possible that there was no stopping us extending the family we would like. The ball is officially in our court.
As I walked out the room my body broke down like someone had taken a massive weight off my shoulders. My smile was like the Cheshire cat from Alice and Wonderland and for the first time in a long time Epilepsy wasn’t the enemy.
After thinking long and hard about the questions raised, my specialist’s response and my emotions towards these answers I let out a long sigh, looked at my husband and realised that whoever was in the room with me outside of us three blessed us and for once had given us the strength to move forward.
Before long questions were whirring round in my mind. Was my neurologist giving me the green light? Is this really happening to us? Could we in a year’s time perhaps have a child?
As we left the hospital today I jumped into the car, celebrated with a coffee and burst into tears. Although these struggles have tested me this was now our time.
Twenty years of fighting had brought me to this. A part of me sat at home amongst my loved ones and thought that If all I have to worry about is the shaking then I’m extremely fortunate.
Sitting worrying about every little thing should be irrelevant. Focusing on yourself along with your partner should become top priority.
Epilepsy is a condition something that tests us on a daily basis however the perseverance to want some form of normality and the patience you have to have to cope is something that unfortunately in today’s society can go unnoticed. This is why documenting our experiences can enable others to see that they’re not alone.
You are never alone.
As for the remainder of my day.
Food- Monday only means one thing In laws feast night. Nothing too fatty just a chicken dinner and a couple of cups of tea.
Exercise- Two sessions over the weekend none today.
Family- Ecstatic about today’s news.
Other news- I found a fiver (£5) over the weekend therefore I was overjoyed. This contributed towards my chicken dishes over the weekend however that’s an entirely different blog post altogether.
To conclude today’s post. Sometimes life throws you the unexpected. Today it showed me that my hard work is paying off. As for my shoops he will remain forever in my memories. He is the man with the plan and today he revealed that we are all in this together. He has given me hope.
Love you Shoops. xx