My idea of perfection. Was it really worth it back then?

“Tis better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else’s perfectly”- Elizabeth Gilbert.

Today’s a hard post to write and one that I hope you will take on board like I’m doing whilst writing this.

I cannot be bothered with the perfect life and going through these counselling sessions is making me see rather quickly that you have to embrace what’s in front of you right now. In fact we all want more however will it make you any happier?

I feel at times that if I could have given my head a shake ten years ago I would have done so however as I’m sitting here today trying so desperately not to smudge my nails whilst typing I’ve drawn the conclusion that being perfect doesn’t necessarily guarantee happiness.

Being perfect won’t erase the condition you’re struggling to come to terms with and as for buying every item under the sun (i.e. clothes, computer games, home furnishings etc.) it still doesn’t quite satisfy the fact that you cannot accept yourself. This is what I’d like to call part time happiness. I’ve been a culprit to this many a time. Now I buy because I want to look good not because there’s problems there anymore.

I’ve come out with that comment today not to make enemies. It’s about knowing that striving for perfection is only skin deep. The message I’m trying to get across is that striving for perfection is going to hurt one person the most. That person is You.

I can say that because I’ve been there myself and to be quite honest it’s rather shit. It’s demoralising and can play tricks with your mind. I cannot be bothered anymore with the whole you say jump and I say how high. Now it’s about thinking what’s going to make me happy and how is this achievable?

Throughout my life I used to put everyone first ranging from friends, family, work, fashion trends however the worst has to be revolved around my medication.

We don’t like taking medication however it’s now become a part of our routine. When my seizures returned in my late teens I didn’t want to be associated with Epilepsy whatsoever therefore did the most ridiculous and stupid thing that I wouldn’t encourage anyone to do.

Upon my return from University I made a move that changed the way I thought forever. I returned home, felt like a failure and this was displayed in my behaviour for the first couple of weeks. This is what perfection did for me. I was at an all time low. I felt worthless looked at myself and felt disgusting like I was never going to achieve anything.

Making the transition between coming home and going into employment I had issues one’s that I didn’t wish to share with anyone. Well before going into the full time work I made a wrong turn a one that has made me question why I thought the way I did back then.

I returned home. My friends were drinking and having a good time. I was back into my circle of friends, spending, in an overdraft and going crazier than usual. They were relaxed and I wanted to be too.

To be like everyone else I stopped taking my meds for a week so I could have that feeling of being normal like I did prior to the seizures returning and you know what when I did it I just felt like a cheap imitation of my so called friends. I wasn’t being true to me, the seizures had returned ten fold for a couple of months following that incident and I wasn’t acknowledging my condition the way I should of. It was like a cry for help.

Thank goodness I saw sense before I allowed that to continue otherwise it could have had an impact on my future.

I appreciate at times Epilepsy can get on top of you however under no circumstance should you without permission alter anything in your life that will jeopardise your health like I once did for that week. Nothing is worth putting yourself through that for the sake of someone else’s opinion.

Everyone in this world has faults and things they want to change about themselves however that is what normality is. Having imperfections is what makes you the person you are.

Some people are worried about their weight, others about their finances, some about whether they’ll find employment or whether they can resolve issues in a relationship. Whatever the scenario home in on the positives to make you see that the positives is what people love about you the most.

If you want to change the negatives then do this in your own time and your own way. There shouldn’t be any pressure there, you are your own person therefore make the necessary changes that’s right for you.

As for the remainder of my week. Let’s summarise…

Work- Not bad, Friday was a belter, had a great time helping the children with life skills, plus I got a school dinner. No pink custard.. shame!
Cooking- Made a rather delicious mince dinner on Thursday even if I do say so myself.
Food habits- Everything in moderation. Had a galaxy today and a KFC after a drinking session on Friday night. I’ve given up on being oober healthy because I always end up cocking something up!
Shakes- None this weekend! Happy days.
Seizures- Nil. Woo hoo. Four and a half years seizure free. So blessed.
Exercise- Nearly killed me today however loved it. Prior to that I hadn’t done any. Things are looking up.
Clothing- Yet another pair of jeans.. and a coat.. and a pair of boots. All for the winter! I can justify myself 🙂
Football (soccer) bets- Tits up.. yet again. I’m gonna pack it in soon (We’ll see!)
Husband- Made a marvellous meal on Saturday, no further tattoos and cannot stop watching the football on TV and it’s driving me insane. The only time I want to watch football is when I’m winning!

To conclude today’s post. Choose yourself. Don’t try to be someone you’re not because no one can replace you.
Perfection is just a word it doesn’t mean anything. To me it’s overrated. To other’s it what keeps them going.

Why do I need perfection? So what I have a condition that I’m now proud to say I’m coping with as I also have larger hips, a mouth that goes ninety to the dozen, flat feet and a farting cat. Who needs perfection when you’ve got all of that?

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