Reaching the top and questioning your ability.

“When you reach the top keep climbing”- Anon

Sometimes we feel like we never reach the top do we? One sentence to define that question. That’s life.

You’re bound to have more stumbles than you are achievements however by stumbling can make you see that the achievements are all worthwhile.

Lately I’ve been appreciating life for what it is. There are moments still particularly at my weakest where I will question how and why I’m shaking and whether paranoia has officially sunken in. Let’s explain why.

Over the past few months I haven’t been at my strongest. My shakes test my patience no end, I’m losing the feeling in the left hand side of my face at least once a week now and I’m constantly tired.

Fortunately no seizures have came however there’s this part of me that is sick of saying “I’m unwell” to be brutally honest it get’s people down. They don’t want to hear about “Mrs Misery guts” maybe people want to see an uplifted Saz with not a care in the world. Unfortunately I know I cannot be this ALL of the time.

Part of me has questioned lately whether a seizure is imminent and whether one will arrive before the year is out. Maybe this will explain why I have been feeling shit lately, either that or a shake is due to make an appearance. Either way I know I cannot second guess what’s due to happen, focus on being me and continuing my day to the best of my ability.

What is it with anxiety? What is it with feeling blue all of the time? Surely it has nothing to do with the weather therefore is it our medication or is more deep set than that?

I’d like to think that my mind wants me to be a go getter not one of these people wanting to mope all the time. I wonder whether age has anything to do with it. Maybe it’s my body getting older adapting to my condition however surely it can’t be.

I’d love nothing more than to carry on with my day without any health issues, come home make the evening meal and chill out on the sofa however as you are all aware it’s not as straight forward as that. Is it for us all?

I think with me it’s about erasing the doubt that my episodes bring. As a person who gets no warning it’s extremely difficult explaining to others that I’m feeling rough out of fear it’s the “Ah not again” predicament that has in the past made me question why they’re thinking that way.

Is it because you don’t believe me? If I was to have a seizure in front of you would you believe me then? Maybe it’s just me.

What I want to shout is “I cannot help it!” however I know in doing so it won’t achieve anything. Like all of you we try our utmost in a day to get through it and at the end say “I’ve had a productive day”. It’s like your fingers are crossed repeatedly hoping that an episode won’t come or that yet another day is ruined. You try not to think about what’s happening and concentrate on what you are doing however it is difficult. I know that.

After spending time doing my usual Dad browsing spree my dad and I got talking.

Dad asked me why I felt insecure about my condition to which responded saying that:

“I didn’t want to let anyone down” before putting my head down in shame. It’s the old me merging with the new me. This applies with everyone.

Dad and I have made our feelings known since the day I could string a sentence together and he dislikes seeing me question myself. Dad’s usual sentence is:

“Fuck everybody else sweetheart. They don’t have to cope with what you’re dealing with. Surely you can see how strong you are, confront others. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone”

To me it’s not as simple as that. I think it’s the wanting to portray to everyone that I’m trying my best even at times of weakness, that I don’t have the mentality of wanting to throw in the towel and finally showing that even though I am reaching the top on my good days that I’m not the sort of person who wants to just stop at that.

I think like this because you never know when the seizures will return and I have to accept defeat when by body is low.

Maybe in times of weakness it’s the worry at times within myself about not feeling equal. Outside of those times I’m usually champion.

Whilst writing this I can see the traits that I see before me and know that it’s not acceptable for me to think this way because the only person who is worrying is me.

The world is your oyster and under no circumstance should I allow a little thing like “insecurity” to get in my way. Remember mini achievements can make you feel like you’re on top of the world and that at the end of the day I know in myself that I am trying my hardest with what I have.

Ask yourself these questions. When an episode hits you what do you do? Have you worried as I have or do you not let people phase you? Do you care one minute about what others think and not the next or are you a laid back person?

I’ve noticed as times have gone on that I care less however there’s always this niggle every so often that makes me wonder whether if I had my condition whether I’d think the same way or not?

I want so desperately to erase this concern from my mind because deep down I know I’m a worker, I’m a fighter and most of all I’m someone who actually gives a shit about others. I think what I need to understand is that you cannot change other people’s perceptions of you therefore you must get on with it and do what’s right for you.

As for the remainder of my weekend.

Exercise done, eating healthy great (apart from the fish and chips because my pay went into my bank account before tomorrow) and the cat fart free.

The odd MAC eyeshadow was purchased and I managed to feel very autumnal with a nice bowl of broth and a slice of crusty bread. The aim is to drink water to keep myself hydrated. As boring as water is without a little cordial I’m persevering and sticking to my plan.

As for the TV. I’m officially glitterfied (if that’s a word) because Strictly Come Dancing is back on. Downton tonight so you know what that means. Cuppa, pyjamas, TV.. Husband in bed because I get the main TV! Any late night football is off. Downton is on.

To conclude today’s post. A bit of a ramble today however a necessary one.

Today is about documenting my thoughts and something that crops up every now and again. I think we are all entitled to reach the top and even when we do we still insist on climbing just incase that winning streak crashes down.

I think we pretty much reach the top every day when we are well however maybe we need to erase that thought and realise that we are reaching the top regularly because we refuse for Epilepsy to defeat us and are making the necessary changes to live our lives the only way we know how to.

Hold your head up high and put your best foot forward. If we all do that then maybe we can kick out this worry once and for all.


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