“By leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown you find out what you are truly capable of becoming”- Anon.
Ironic isn’t it that we are afraid of change yet want so desperately to see whether there’s more than what’s in front of us right now?
Ask yourself this do you like the fear of the unknown or do you dread it? Me I think I’m the latter of the two because I like to be in control however I’m getting there.
The quote above has got me thinking. What happens if we become new people and lose our personality entirely where will we stand? The more I think about that question the more I think not.
Throughout my journey I have embarked on a rollercoaster of emotions that has tested my ability along with the patience of the people surrounding me. Upon diagnosis I didn’t know the foggiest about Epilepsy, to me it was just “My brains gone to sleep” and that was about it.
All I remember is that one minute I’m feeling champion prancing around doing my usual before then hitting the deck and waking up either on the bathroom floor or in bed with someone preferably over the top of me smothering as usual.
Overall the whole experience was daunting yet comforting because to me although I had a bruised knee or a bloody tongue people were listening.. and on a lighter note offering me chocolate at the same time to help me recover and that’s never a bad thing.
It was like I turned into someone else when I was having a seizure the big question was who was I? Who had I turned into and how come I never knew this person? I am unconscious when I have a seizure so I had never really met that person. After hearing stories of what happens when I’m fitting then maybe it’s safe to say that I may be upset meeting this person because this isn’t a true reflection of my personality. It’s the Epilepsy talking.
For those who know me by now will realise that I’m a person that cannot really cope with change. It’s like I have to psyche myself up to go somewhere or try something new.
As I’m getting older I’m gradually loosening up and accepting that if I’m going to be unwell then regardless of where I am an episode is going to hit me. If I could wave a magic wand and wave it to a different scenario then by gosh I would however we can’t can we?
Having Epilepsy is like waiting for a trigger to go off, it’s that emphasis of ensuring that you are ok at all times. It’s the necessity of making sure you take your medication at the correct times, that you have a consistent sleeping pattern and that overall you’re level of optimism is above the norm to get you through the day.
Now for those who have read that and thought “Well I don’t do that, I cope perfectly fine” then you’re one of the lucky ones and my hat goes off to you for that because you’re at peace with yourself with no problems. Many cannot come out with the same sentence therefore help is required and you know what? There’s nothing wrong with wanting help.
With me four and a half years on there’s still this element of me who has that sense of apprehension everytime I feel groggy. It’s like your anticipating something may happen that may never be. If you get an aura or a warning sign then you have a vague idea what’s coming. Me I have literally nothing therefore I’m on alert constantly.
This week I haven’t had any counselling whatsoever, next Wednesday is my next appointment and going into this one I’m feeling a lot happier with the progress I’m making. Like seeing Bob previously I’m looking forward to seeing what my therapist has in store and whether she will challenge me like she did last week.
Merging the explanation I gave earlier in the post with my counselling I’ve foreseen a part of me that is driven yet not as constructive with the way I picture myself wanting everything yesterday. I’m realising that there is a tomorrow and unlike the men who stood on the front line during the world wars that I have a choice.
For years I hid behind a condition that was out of my control and that after a long gruelling process of trying to make myself better I actually made myself worse by over analysing what I wanted.
To me common sense should have prevailed back then and as I’m writing this now I’m understanding that my Epilepsy is my condition and that I am Saz not Epilepsy, not worry, not anxiety just Saz. I cannot be pulled in every direction to keep my family happy, I cannot be someone I’m not to please them.
My philosophy is if you like me I’ll like you, If you love me then I’ll love you back. If you dislike me then fair enough you can’t please everyone all of the time.
Sometimes having a condition such as Epilepsy makes you think differently however apart from the seizures it’s the acceptance that’s key. You are who you are.. end of.
Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to set ourselves apart in a unique way, sometimes we have to grasp that the people who love us are there to protect us not to cause mischief. People who truly love you will stand by you regardless, they may provide you with criticism for your own welfare however if they want to be a part of your life they will allow you and you alone to make the decisions you feel will benefit you.
As for the remainder of the week. Firstly I must apologise for my lack of blogging. This week it’s all been about work, exercising, sorting out mobile phone insurance and bloody farting cats.
I tell you something I think Our Benny has a farting problem. Like all pets I know I have a tendency of giving him a name. My pal Michelle and I today thought Benny could be called Benny the Brilliant and as for her pooch she would be called Milly the Magnificent and that she is mind. She’s a true American beauty and although I haven’t had the pleasure to meet her I bet you she is just stunning in the flesh.
Do you have any names for your pets? Are they Epilepsy awareness pets? If so what would you call them?
In contrast to Milly our Benny cannot stop farting and the house fucking stinks.
The other day he sneaked into our bedroom (he’s not usually allowed) and decided to fart rather loudly on my bed. Daft me thought he was snoring till I smelt the stench. Honestly I’m thinking if this continues that I may have to see if there is any floral cat food for him to pouch on so my house can smell of anything other than Whiskas tinned cat food.. with chicken!
Apart from a smelly cat the husband has been watching football non stop which has meant that I can watch endless hours of makeup extraordinaire duo Pixiwoo.
For those who haven’t tuned in to this YouTube phenomenon then please do. If you love your beauty and makeup then please watch these girls it is addictive however is rather fabulous at the same time. I’ve even learned how to do a smokey eye.. and bought a lot of the products too.. that’s between us.. don’t tell my mother!
Exercise. Going really well. I’m onto level 3 of the slim in 6 programme and have seen a massive change in my fitness without causing too much stress on the body. It’s looking positive.
Food.. well the chocolate’s still there (a smidge) however I have minimised the intake and only had a couple of roses (sweets) from the tin today at work. I have stuck to just having the one hob nob biscuit or a low fat yoghurt.
To conclude today’s post. Step outside your comfort zone however do so in your own time. Epilepsy is a condition that challenges you and makes you feel on occasion low and disheartened. Although you feel this way right now don’t let it dampen your future. Embracing change is difficult however be who you want to be.
Life isn’t about keeping others happy it’s about ensuring that your life is filled with happiness and that you are enjoying the company around you. Having all the money in china may help things however if you aren’t satisfied with who you are then it isn’t going to make that much of a difference.