Good evening everyone. I think I’ve probably just heard you all gasping saying “Where the bloody hell has she been” however I can officially say I’m back to blogging and have a week off work now so I can concentrate on you lovely lot.
Tonight’s quote has to be:
“When patterns are broken new worlds emerge”- Tuli Kupferberg
And rightly so.
Patterns aren’t in my eyes just pretty drawings for the world to see, to people like myself it can go far deeper than that.
From a person who has in the past been extremely analytical I have been afraid of breaking my pattern. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing nicer than having a routine knowing that you’re in control from the minute you wake up till before you go to sleep however I’m thinking that if life was so easy then no one would suffer from problems and the world would become a boring place.
Since being offline I’ve noticed a lot of things change in Sazzle’s world.
Firstly I’m accepting that counselling was the right decision to make. The people around me have been concerned for my welfare and considering the stresses of the past eight months they were right to think that way. The shakes have been more frequent lately and I’ve come to realise that stress appears to have played a significant role in my episodes.
Without sounding down and full of despair I’m now understanding that counselling may not be for everyone however it is for me. Having a good chat with someone who isn’t prepared to judge you and who is paid to provide you with an effective service works for me and if it does for you never worry, just take that first step and draw your own conclusion. Who knows it may allow you to look at life from a different perspective.
Talking about counselling. I met up with mine earlier this week and had a good old chinwag. No tears were shed and I felt rather elated following our session. Without going to the far ends of a fart I was asked to say the first word that entered my head about the way I was feeling right there and then.
The only word to come to me was resentment.
My therapist could see that I wasn’t dissatisfied with my job, my family life or the house my husband and I made a home but the fact that the dissatisfaction was with myself.
It came down to the condition I had resented for so long, the worries I bestowed on myself because of the lack of control in my life when my condition was concerned and the constant comparison I would have when looking at other people’s lives and how they lived them. It was as if I couldn’t let myself go entirely. As silly as this may sound it all boiled down to freedom.
To me others (when I say others I meant everyone excluding myself) had freedom because they could do what they wanted, they didn’t have to take medication, they didn’t have the anxieties when they forgot to take their meds or the worry that they would be unwell in a public place.
For the first time in a long time here I was thinking to myself what’s the worst that could happen? Don’t you realise how far YOU have come?
I’ve identified very quickly the patterns that emerge amongst people. You’ve got the people that couldn’t give a shit about what happens to them, you’ve got the person who panics at the drop of a hat and then you’ve got the person in between. I think whatever personality you have is your personality. If you want to change it then change it that’s your choice and nobody else’s.
With me if you want respect then that respect has to be earned. If you treat me with a half arsed approach then I don’t want to know.
Like I’ve said in previous posts. Where does worry get you exactly? I’ll tell you exactly where it gets you. Nowhere.
What’s the point in wasting an entire day worrying when you only a couple of days to yourself over a weekend or a couple of hours free time on an evening? Surely this time can be spent with family and friends not cooped up on your own in a worried state. Decipher what’s making you miserable and talk about it if it doesn’t make you feel too uncomfortable.
On a lighter note..
The cold is back and it’s well and truly pissing me off.
Unfortunately getting back to the old Asthmatic rant nothing works. You get turned away from a chemist when you purchase any drug that “may” start your chest off therefore I resorted to the good old honey and lemon syrup.
As I point blank refuse to give these chemists anymore of my hard earned cash on cold remedies I have decided that if patience permits I (dare I say this) will make my own honey and lemon drink. Whether I stick to my guns and make it is a different matter however the thought was there.
All I’ve done is cough, splutter, blow my nose (that has now turned a gorgeous pink colour and matches my OPI nail varnish) and have decided that drinking tea is the only policy to make me feel better, that and walking round in my onesie to sweat this cold out!
Food wise I’m not going to lie it’s been rather poor. I’ve had the odd good days however all I’m craving is bread at the moment along with my chocolate and have been eating sarnies. Tomorrow I’m off out on my usual jaunt with dad therefore I’m thinking hot broth is a must. No bread, no chocolate. I intend to stick to this. I’ve got my healthy eating magazines out so I’m preparing myself.
My healthy eating calendar is up and I’m raring to go snot n all. As for the exercise well I was doing that pre cold however now it’s all about doing a little yoga when I’m feeling up to it.
Before I conclude this post I must tell you this. It may make you laugh, it may make you become all defensive (apologies gents) or if you’re a woman you’ll put your head down in despair feeling sorry for the lad. I have to say it but my husband is without doubt has a blonder personality than me.. he’s dark haired blue eyes may I add.
Whilst preparing this evening’s meal I decided that I would eat a little healthier and have my usual homemade beef noodles and spring onions. My husband on the other hand would have a chicken curry.
After salsagate (remember when the salsa exploded up the walls, tune in for my earlier posts for more) my husband thought he would show his culinary skills and show me how he makes a chicken curry. The chicken was first.
Whilst cutting the following words came out of his mouth:
“WTF why won’t the knife cut this chicken” the penny finally dropped. He finally cottoned on when I said:
“Eeeee You’re using the knife the wrong way man, no wonder the chicken isn’t cutting properly”
Now I have to admit that’s something I would do however this time my husband fell into the trap of being a goon in the kitchen. One to me! I’ll never live that one down. I was in hysterics. It’s safe to say there’s never a dull moment in our household!
To conclude today’s post. Patterns will emerge in everyone’s personality and altering them can be extremely difficult however knowing who you are and what you want from life is the best quality you can have. I have drawn the conclusion that I can either sit here and mope or I can get up and enjoy myself.
As Andy Warhol famously said “They always say time changes things but you have to actually change them yourself” This is from a man who created works of art and beautiful patterns. New worlds emerged to him through his artwork therefore why can’t they through ours?