Keep trying.. there’s light at the end of that tunnel.

“I can accept failure everyone fails at something, but I can’t accept the not trying”- Michael Jordan.

Tonight’s quote is something that strikes me as normal but can baffle others as soon as the word failure is mentioned. Under no circumstance this evening am I saying that you’re a failure however I know in myself that people at some stage will feel like a complete and utter failure.

The word failure in itself is quite a strong word and can be overrated however when it comes to me the NOT TRYING tends to strike a cord with me because for twenty years all I’ve ever had to do is try when my condition is involved. Throwing in the towel could have been a quick solution but for who exactly? It was never an issue.

It’s the not trying tends to make you feel like you should be automatically placed into the failure box. Before you know it you’re thoughts are running riot and you feel like you’re up shit creek without a paddle.

This week has been a busy one for me. Not only have I been to work family time has been planned and decisions have had to be made about my health. Fortunately my blood tests were all clear and the family were pleased. At times like these I should be breathing a sigh of relief at the fact I don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome and other well known conditions such as diabetes however there was a part of me analysing why the bloody hell I’m so tired all the time.

I don’t know about you all (everyone can join in here) however I’m sick of having to say “Well it’s my meds that’s probably causing the problem”. Deep down I know it’s highly likely that I’m having side effects from my anti epileptic drugs however sometimes you just want to say it’s something else. I know in myself and from speaking to others every single medication results in tiredness. It’s like a double ended sword isn’t it? Come off the meds and feel chipper however have the seizures or take it and feel groggy the majority of the time. Bugger.

I’ll give you a couple of examples of this.

If I’ve had four hours sleep I’d be tired the following day because.. I’ve had insufficient sleep.

Why do I feel bloated? It’s because I’ve eaten like a horse all weekend you get where I’m coming from?

With me I’ve noticed lately that it doesn’t make a difference whether I’ve had four hours sleep or ten hours sleep I’m still shattered however I’m coming to terms with the fact that that’s the luck of the draw and are trying to incorporate other changes in my life to prevent the tiredness such as drinking the dreaded green tea and walking more. I’m noticing very subtle changes however this is giving me the uplift to persevere and see how the upcoming weeks go.

Thankfully this week I’ve noticed a little bit more of a spring in my step compared to the previous weeks worries and this is what I thought I would highlight on this evening. The word of the day has to be trying, not only is it because it’s been used in this evening’s quote however trying is something we all would like to think we’re doing in our daily tasks in order to achieve those mini victories that can sustain our positivity.

This week I was contacted by a private therapist from a company I was fortunate to use previously. Unfortunately I was unable to receive a visit from Bob who I know fine well would bring his words of wisdom back into my life however had the benefit of speaking to a female instead who like me was eager to get the ball rolling. By this time next week I will have had my first session and hopefully will be able to write and possibly reiterate some of her techniques to help you.

Upon making contact with my new therapist there was this slight sense of dread. Although I was appreciative for her taking the time out to arrange a meeting there was this very slight worry that yet again I would be thrown into the deep end spilling my worries out to a complete stranger.

Within seconds of talking to her I felt at ease like I did with Bob. This time the therapy wasn’t going to be a massive hurdle I’d have to overcome because I’m in the process of accepting the condition I have this time it’s about coping with stress and realising that throwing in any towel will not accomplish anything. In fact it will only make you worse.

Reflecting on my conversation this week with my therapist, speaking with the people who surround me with their love and honesty and understanding that this treatment needs to be carried out to the end is something that I would once fear.

The goal posts have now shifted and this time it’s about managing the anxieties of the past few months and appreciating that at times life isn’t always going to go as swimmingly as I’d like. In fact when the shit hits the fan then I have to resolve the issue and move on because that’s what life’s all about.

Whether you have a condition or not or whether it be some underlying worry you’ve always had remember this It’s the trying, it’s the bouncing back and it’s the knowing within yourself that there’s never a problem that cannot be solved.

As for the remainder of the week… The food has been ok, the portion size has been reduced however the sweet treats are still making an appearance. I’m working on it excluding today when I had two bags of crisps.. oops.

I’ve kept my promise to do my slim in 6 DVD’s apart from yesterday evening when I saw the gran.

From those who’ve read my blog from the beginning will know perfectly well where I’m coming from. My gran is a force to be reckoned with and it’s safe to say that she’s seen it, done it, and worn every T-shirt in the shop.

It’s safe to say that if the Prime Minister was recruiting for an elderly lady with a delightful shampoo and set along with a world full of knowledge then my grandmother would be up there with the best of them. She may even be inclined to teach the prime minister a trick or two. If all else fails he may have to come to her house to have a good old chinwag over a cuppa out of her china tea pot she bought last year to celebrate the queen’s diamond jubilee.

Everytime I go round to my grandmothers there she sits banging the world to rights. She makes me an evening meal (she’s 82) doesn’t allow me to “meddle” in her kitchen and has a galaxy chocolate bar propped up on my tray to have as a sweet snack after my tea before my dad comes to pick me up. This routine has been in place for as long as I can remember.

It’s a routine I wouldn’t change for the world and to be honest if you were to ask her neither would she. I adore her, love the time I spend with her and know that spending that valuable time with her mid week is something I could never replace or get back when the time comes for her to leave me.

Apart from that I’ve just been little old Saz trying to get back to normal and have a laugh as I always do!

To conclude today’s post. Trying is better than doing nothing. Saying you’ve tried at something whether you succeed or not should be an incentive to push harder whilst appreciating what you have right in front of you. This time last week I could have given up however I refused to. After deliberating how far I’ve come over how far I’ve come I would urge you all to reflect on your own accomplishments before making any rash decisions.

Recover isn’t something that miraculously happens overnight, twenty years on I’m still learning something new every day. You can’t magically make your feelings disappear however you can roll with them and by repeatedly talking can believe that you can be the best of who you are and if you can do that then you’re halfway there. Keep trying. I know you can.


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