Every ending has a starting point.

“Every end has a start. Every start has a decision. Every decision has a meaning and every reason has a meaning- Anon.

The quote above is courtesy of twitter site Happiness quotes.

Reading some of the tweets on that particular site has made me start questioning what’s happened over the past week.

I think the one thing that I’ve identified is that we are all entitled to those “off” periods in life where certain aspects of it don’t go according to plan thus making us question why we reacted in a negative manner.

Whilst chilling with my family over the bank holiday weekend I started to think. Why had I hit a stumbling block when I’ve been doing so well? Surely if both myself and others have seen a new side to me then why are my body and mind not in sync with one another?

Whilst sipping my small glass of wine I found myself in a rather relaxed frame of mind chatting with my dad like the past week had never happened not this emotional Saz crying at the drop of a hat.

Mid conversation the worries of the week entered my head on occasion however my dad, husband and I were enjoying each others company and trying to fathom why my mind was thinking the way it had. The odd joke was thrown in about my shakes between the pair and I was in hysterics keeping the mood very breezy.

It’s safe to say this week was like taking a few steps back into the old me however I’m feeling like the current Saz once more.

As much as I don’t want to use the word Stress because it can be grossly overused in sentences I genuinely think I was suffering from a bout of stress. My husband was under the impression on Wednesday morning that I was having some sort of meltdown and come to think of it I would agree with him.

Over the course of the past seven months neither of our parents (my husband’s and I) have been in the greatest of health, my shakes have been making more frequent unexpected appearances, the concept of changing our lives to consider bringing a baby into the world has raised questions and potentially altering rooms in our home within the next few months may be something others can cope with however I think at my most vulnerable my body just started to break down adding up all of these things up.

These dips hadn’t phased me like they have done in the past therefore I found it remotely odd that when the larger shake came my mind was pouring all this emotional baggage that I’ve held onto for too long.

For the first time in a long time I hadn’t grasped what the word acceptance meant.

Like I said in my previous post change has to come therefore I made the first step and decided returning to therapy for a chat would be my initial step so I could say the word acceptance out loud about this particular chapter in my life.

The quote above is correct. Every ending has a start. Every decision has a reasoning.

Sometimes we wonder where our seizures come from because we didn’t ask for them. Other scenarios include when you’ve had a bad day at work you could sit there racking your brains as to why you’ve started off on the wrong footing or in my case why you grabbed the entire bag of digestive biscuits when you’ve tuned your mind to start a fresh week of no chocolate.

The reason behind the work question is because you’ve had a rubbish night’s sleep prior to entering the building hence everything pissing you off and as for the choccie biccies well.. you just fancied some chocolate.

In these cases you feel like things just don’t add up however when you sit back and look at it logically there has to be a reason why what happens.. happens.

Since being diagnosed with Epilepsy I have watched my demeanour change drastically particularly when they returned in my late teens.

I’ve said on numerous occasions there are a vast amount of people out there believe that Epilepsy are just seizures however they aren’t. In fact you couldn’t be any farther from the truth. Without sounding even more serious then perhaps I’m coming across right now Epilepsy effects us all hence the reason why awareness needs to take top priority.

Epilepsy effects the parents, siblings, friends, colleagues or passers by that have to witness the episode. Epilepsy is about remembering to take medication, altering medication, ongoing neurological appointments, stress, medication side effects, anxiety, shaking, the odd bout of paranoia and the endless worrying as to when the next episode will arise.

For those who suffer from the same condition as myself will know we have our good days and bad days. It’s taken me 20 years to come to terms that I’m a person who suffers from Epilepsy. Why not say that statement out loud to yourself right now?

To add why not say..

I’m not an Epileptic, I suffer from a neurological condition that’s out of my control… however I know that I’m a genuine person who want what’s best for the people I love. I have my faults however you show me someone who doesn’t.

A couple of questions for you all.

How do you feel after saying that? How did you react? Does it scare you or do the words empower you because you’ve come so far already? I would say the latter of the two because you along with your family deserve that reassurance for all you’ve achieved. This may be your first step to acceptance as it was for me many moons ago.

Epilepsy is something you have to accept you have and although you may never accept it fully there is light at the end of the tunnel trust me. You may feel like the world’s on top of you, like you will never see the wood from the trees however you will. It takes time but on the basis you want to be helped then you can make it happen.

For the people who don’t give a damn or wish to scrutinise then stay well clear. My words to people like that are “Don’t judge what you cannot understand” let them have their say and send them on their merry way.

As for the rest of the weekend…

The other half and I have been shopping for bits and bobs for the house.

Apart from taking numerous trips to B&Q we have had the odd stop off to the relatives for a cuppa, a couple of glasses of wine, the odd lager and an even nicer burger. The potato salad went down a treat and as for toasting marshmallows that was the highlight of my evening.. Mind you I was the only one burning my fingers on the gooey mallow! Overall a very happy bank holiday.

The salad is prepared for tomorrow’s return to work along with a muller rice and fruit. Boo hiss.

As for my slim in 6 well… I’m overjoyed. I’m absolutely loving it. No resistance bands accidents. For those who doubted me buying that DVD I’ll show you that although I was suckered into this commercial trend I will look hot! 🙂

Talking about the DVD there’s an element of the DVD called slim and limber. It’s like a little mini yoga session where you do additional stretching. It’s calmed me down no end, plus I’m trying to stick to the slim in 6 regime therefore hope to be a little more toned this time in six weeks. If you’ve got it give it a try.

To conclude today’s post. Understand that you aren’t invisible, you’re bound to have your off days and you’re bound to question why they’re happening. Do what you need to do to help yourself. In my case it’s the additional support along with the endless chatting drinking copious amounts of tea with the ones I love.

I’ll end this evening’s post on another saying. Life is about trusting our feelings taking chances by finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past. Make yourself happy because you’ve come so far already.

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3 thoughts on “Every ending has a starting point.

  1. Feelin quite low past few weeks had few fits hate the fact I now no wen it’s gonna happen just wish I can b normal again 😦

    • So sorry to hear that Elsie.

      It is rather rubbish when we know that the fits aren’t too far away.

      All I can advise is that you try to maintain that positive attitude and distract yourself from thinking about your condition by spending time with friends, family, hobbies etc.

      Over the past week I haven’t been fitting but shaking regularly and that scares me too.

      What I do is try to take a step back, I’ve asked for additional support and I know that my condition won’t define me as it shouldn’t define you.

      You’ve come so far already hun and are extremely strong. Believe in you, accept you for you and hopefully the rest shall follow.

      If you need a chat you know where I am x x

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