It’s 6.45am here and I cannot sleep. I’ve been up for most of the night tossing and turning because it’s far too warm therefore I’m now sitting with my sex and the city DVD’s playing in the background whilst writing to you all.
Talk about the early bird catching the worm!
Oh what a week it’s been. One word to sum up this week is sick. I was sick of everything. This week had well and truly pissed me off and I was ready to give in. Let me explain why.
As you are probably all aware I haven’t shown my face as much on twitter however had some of my own personal issues to sort nothing to worry about just a variety of things that have made me see that everyone at the best of times needs that additional help. The chatting to others about general day to day duties can help you re-focus and carry on. I would like to thank you all for your kind words and show of support over the past week.
Before I crack on with today’s post and explain further I think a quote is in order:
“Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting”-Haruki Murakami
You may ask what on earth I’ve chosen this quote? Well this quote pretty much sums up this week in a nutshell.
I think what the quote suggests is that you can identify what you would like and what path you choose to walk down however sometimes that path can deviate off course and can result into something you never quite anticipated.
I think challenges are there to test us however this week has been a rocky road for myself and made me see that although I’m currently seizure free that my Epilepsy still plays a prominent role in my life.
Monday morning came and I was preparing myself for work.
Shortly after waking I sat down to breakfast that my husband had kindly made for me. Twenty five minutes passed and I was still trying to eat my first mouthful of cereal. My hands were repeatedly shaking, my body stiff and the loss of sensation was gradually going up the left hand side of my face.
Knowing this was a severe bout of shakes I went into shake mode and went to bed on the hope that in a couple of hours I could resume back to normal and possibly go into work as though nothing had happened.
My husband stayed with me for a short while before I ushered him to work acknowledging that the shake would pass and that I had Benny to keep me company.
Not long after that statement here I am lying in bed feeling as though someone is sitting on my chest forcing my body into the mattress leaving me stranding.
The loss of feeling had now escalated up the left hand side of my arm, my face was numb and now my thigh was in the process of getting the same treatment. My hands clenched together like claws and my eye twitching. I genuinely thought I was having a seizure awake and to be brutally honest I was petrified.
Whilst shaking my mind wasn’t fixated on the shake it was my insecurities and concerns that showed themselves and I couldn’t quite comprehend why now they were entering my mind. Was this my body’s way of saying that I must address these issues now? I didn’t have a clue.
During the course of the day my body shook on and off for the best part of six hours with me trying to sleep in between. Tuesday was no better. After attempting to go into work I was sent home after an hour only to suffer a similar bout that very same morning. Wednesday well. I was like a bag of nerves not knowing whether I was coming or going, shakes waiting to make an appearance and I was crying every hour on the hour.
This wasn’t like me, this wasn’t the bubbly character who tries to crack a not so funny joke every so often. I was a former shadow of myself and knew I needed to take the next step and ask for professional help like I once did. Reading books, articles and even my usual inspirational quotes weren’t sufficient to kick me out of the rut I was in therefore I made the decision to seek that support and have made contact with my previous therapist.
After acknowledging these problems I felt so much better. Initially the odd negative thought entered my head questioning whether I was as strong as I’d originally anticipated.
After careful deliberation I made the ultimate decision that these therapy sessions are not to find myself and question my condition this was now a separate issue. This issue is to have a chat about the situations in front of me and to learn how to cope should another large shake arise.
Therapists are there so you can unleash your concerns and seek advice from someone outside the box who are prepared to give you techniques in order to help yourself. Therapists can’t give you the answer however can assist and offer their opinion as and when required.
I know with me I personally felt that that therapy was extremely beneficial giving me the tools to carry out the job. Bob’s original task in hand was to make me see that having Epilepsy shouldn’t be the be all and end all. It was about learning to understand who Saz was not just the condition. Bob succeeded in his first quest. Seeking advice previously from Bob gave me the tools to believe in myself thus writing Sazzle’s blog.
Originally Epilepsy to me was a chore.
In my eyes Epilepsy prevented me from living my life to the max. Let’s look at this therapy as a refresher.
Everyone needs help. It’s most important to not do this alone, you are never alone.
Making a difference in other people’s lives is extraordinary however making a difference in your own life is something you should be proud of not something that should be shunned. Make that change and do what’s right for you.
As for the rest of the week.
My bloods were taken yesterday by a local nurse who I must say was such a lovely woman who made me feel at ease. I’m not the best at getting my bloods taken. I would like to think of myself as a rather large child.
Although needs must I have had my fair few occasions where I’ve felt rather light headed and needed a good talking to and the odd lollipop. Sometimes I think my body goes into child mode so I can get the lollipop! Ha!
This time I was perfectly fine because I was talking about buying clothes and spending money. Need I say any more.
Hopefully in a few days I’ll see whether I have CFS (Chronic fatigure syndrome), diabetes, thyroid or kidney failure. Here’s hoping that I have none of the above.
As for my social calendar well no real entries actually.
Exercise wise. Three words. Slim in 6. Bloody marvellous. I resumed exercise yesterday and I am loving this DVD. Fortunately my resistance bands didn’t ping back into my face. Surprisingly I’m thoroughly enjoying the DVD and find it as effective as Kill Jill. I’ll keep you posted with my results.
No fast food consumed yesterday and what with a BBQ planned for this weekend I think I’m doing rather well. I have to admit this week hasn’t been the best for food choices however as of yesterday I was on course eating a rather fabulous breakfast at a nearby seaside café before browsing for kitchen doors.
To conclude today’s post. If you need help get it. Usually we have obstacles to face that can force us to question our beliefs. People say stress is overrated however sometimes we need to make it a priority to address our issues and seek that additional support whether it be through family, friends, online buddies or through therapy. Do what’s right for you and never allow others to bring you down. The only way is up.