“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight. It’s the size of the fight in the dog” – Mark Twain.
Before I continue just to clarify I’m not saying that everyone’s as ugly as sin or resemble a mutt of any nature. It’s all in about the fight that’s inside of you. It’s the coping mechanism. It’s that little light switch that can go off at anytime. As soon as you see red you’re on the defensive.
In this world there are people that’ll fight till the bitter end and then there’s others that can’t quite grasp who or what they’re fighting against. I think in some people’s eyes fighting is a sign of struggle, apprehension, tension words of that nature.
Any medical condition is an ongoing battle. In fact it can make you feel that you’re taking one step forward and two steps back.
At eight years old I remember sitting with my parents wondering whether I was normal. I would sit there (as geekish as it sounds) in the living room writing with my new gold pilot pen “I’m different to everyone else”.
The only reason why I thought I was different was because I had something other people didn’t have. I had Epilepsy.
For people reading this the first thing that may come to mind is “awww” however writing this is not about gaining sympathy it’s about explaining the mind of an eight year old with a condition she could barely say let alone comprehend.
For the parents of children reading this I can sympathise fully with your cause and how many people who I’ve had the opportunity to speak to are in the process of eliminating that doubt within their children’s minds and combine their new found knowledge of Epilepsy to assist their children. They do it in a creative way to try to remove that self doubt.
My parents were exactly the same with me as what you are however this was 1993 not 2013.
My parents couldn’t grasp where my condition came from. They racked their brains for years on end to try and determine whether their genetics could have posed this threat on their only child.
After years of soul searching and understanding Epilepsy as a whole my parents and I drew the conclusion that it was no-one’s fault it was hyperactivity within my brain that couldn’t be controlled and as a result we would have all have to step aside and let these episodes do what they must.
Growing up with Epilepsy has been a struggle and as the quotation said at the start I was one of those dogs who was prepared to take it lying down. I was a small dog not one of these people that felt she could cope. I wasn’t big and strong. I was a child that ate like a horse however was very slim. There was more strength in my dad’s finger than there was in me! I couldn’t be arsed with the fight that’s until my condition entered my life.
From that day forward I was thrown whether I liked it or not into a hole that took years to fathom why I was there in the first place. Ultimately no-one else was going to throw me the rope to get out of this worry I had to find that exit myself and in my own time not anyone else’s.
Since writing this blog I’ve documented the anxieties I endured as a result of my uncontrollable condition.
The panic would engulf me and there were instances where one minute I’d be nice as ninepence without a care in the world before turning into an angry frustrated young woman without any reasoning behind my behaviour changing.
To this day I could sit here trying my very best to give you answers as to why my mood changed so drastically however they wouldn’t be true answers because deep down I never knew why my mood changed.
Maybe it was medication, maybe it was the mundaneness of it all where day in day out I would allow myself to be dominated by my condition to the point where as my therapist said ever so clearly “You’ve lost your own identity to your condition, you don’t even know who Saz is anymore”.
Think back to a time where you were feeling low.
What entered your head at the time? Was it that you didn’t feel that you were good enough? Was it that you felt so upset that you thought the worry was never going to end? Was it a cross between the wanting to succeed however being set back by an episode?
All these questions help contribute towards finding yourself and understanding that the show must go on.
Lately I have spoken to very close friends on twitter who have taught me more about my condition than I ever knew.
To represent a cause is one thing, to raise awareness is another however to be looked upon as an Epilepsy advocate from others battling this condition their entire lives is something I to this day are overjoyed to say I’m a part of. Together we discuss many an issue ranging from seizure control, medication types, music, the list is endless. Last night it was all about the poetry.
For one of the mothers who I chat to I can see a fight within her that makes me want to reach out and give her a hug. To watch any child suffering is one thing however her endurance, her perseverance and her determination to succeed on behalf of her son suffering from Epilepsy is astounding.
My fellow Epilepsy advocate reminds me of my mother and that’s what makes me want to help her when I can I may not have all the answers for everyone out there however would think that by explaining my personal journey may indeed help her one day.
One word of advice I’d share regarding that and this applies to all of you. I say this with the best intention in the world. I also utter these words as they were once said to me from someone I hold dear whom I lost over ten years ago.
Keep going. You’ll never know how much you’re loved. Rivers will be a struggle to cross at times however through will and positivity you will eventually get there. At times you may feel like you’re trying to find THE piece to complete the puzzle. The piece is within you therefore understand, accept and you will get there in the end.
Within them I’ve met a number of friends that although I’ve never met have given me the strength to want what’s best for myself, to remain healthy and to appreciate that Epilepsy won’t define me in fact Epilepsy is only a part of me. Whether it be pals from across the pond who I have a good laugh with or followers within this country we are all coming together for a cause that touches all our lives.
I refuse for my condition to dominate me entirely like it once did. I’m my own person and although Epilepsy can take control occasionally my life is far better understanding it than fearing it.
As for the remainder of my day. The healthy eating is rather poor. I know I will get a very large bollocking from you all because my will power when food’s involved is rather shocking. I tend to get halfway there and then make a complete balls of it. I eat healthy and then throw it away the following day with utter rubbish.
I have therefore eaten my last piece of chocolate and are looking at my fridge armed with low fat muller rices. I intend to stop eating as much rice and eat far more salads and green vegetables to gain energy. This should hopefully help my tiredness.. that and drinking the green tea of course!
No exercise completed today however got my alarm set early for tomorrow morning therefore will recommence exercise tomorrow after my two days from training.
To conclude today’s post. Fighting isn’t about bullying others or having what I would call fisty cuffs with other people. It’s about finding that fight inside of you and winning your own personal battle. Never let sleeping dogs lie. Find that strength and be who you want to be.