Victim or heroine?

“Above all be the heroine of your life, not the victim”- Nora Ephron.

The definition of a heroine (or so Google tells me)

1) A woman admired or idealized for her courage and noble qualities
2) The chief female character in a book, play or a movie that is typically identified with good qualities.

Firstly I’d like to say this applies to you lads so don’t feel left out mind! You are hero’s too!

I found the above quote today and it got me analysing what we want, what we think we are and what we fall into.

I think I’ve touched on a fair few subjects since coming online in January and emphasised the importance of acceptance, seeking support, anxiety and epileptic episodes however when it comes to something as complex as tonight’s post then I thought I would voice my opinion on things.

Like previous posts I will stress that what I say is solely my opinion and my opinion only therefore apologies if anyone takes offence.

The other day I made it abundantly clear that there are certain aspects of my life that cannot be altered.

I could sit here all day prattling on about how boyfriends had wronged me, how ex friends made me feel worthless and as for my condition well where do I start.

Upon diagnosis I remember sitting back terrified at what my condition would bring.

I was a child completely oblivious as to what the next few years would have in store for me. This was normal. Any child or parent bringing up a child with a medical condition is bound to have concerns and as for the child well they’re finding themselves. Me immediately I felt like I was the victim. I was a victim of Epilepsy.

I didn’t ask to have Epilepsy it just arrived therefore why did it choose me?

For years I asked myself that question. After every fit, every shaky bout, every wave of anxiety there I would sit questioning why it was happening to me. I would focus on the consequences and not that I must have had strength to come out of the episode relatively unscathed.

Instead of worrying I should have understood that I was one of millions of individuals out there coping with Epilepsy therefore why was I so upset?

I was panicking because I didn’t want to look into other people’s lives and compare them to my own however all I could see is what was happening to me.

Whilst sitting here cup of milky coffee in hand I’m thinking about where Saz was then and where she is now.

I will openly admit I have been one of those people who I cannot stand.

I’ve been the person who’s said “Why me?” on so many occasions I’ve lost count.

I’ve said why me that much that I wore myself out. I’ve sat there and over evaluated friendships, relationships, family problems and everything in between to the point where I couldn’t sleep at night over the fear that I would have cocked something up.

Instead of accepting that Rome wasn’t built in a day, that my condition couldn’t be prevented and that I couldn’t please everybody all of the time I allowed myself to cry and cry and cry some more. About what I cannot recall.

What I have identified with me is that over the past two years specifically I’ve started to change who I am.

What I should be doing and are trying to do now is to direct myself to the qualities I have and be proud of what I’m accomplishing.

Instead of sitting there focusing on the negatives I should be looking saying out loud that I’ve been seizure free for four years and that’s an accomplishment in itself. I shake however that’s a part of who I am.

Along with the seizure control I have a family who love me, a couple of true friends who care deeply, a cat that I adore and a job that gives me a little spare cash to buy all the things in life us girls love such as clothes, makeup, contributions towards those mini vacations but the top of the list has to be the chocolate.. low fat of course haha! The list is endless. That mightn’t seem like a lot to some people but it does to me.

A hard exterior is something I’m gradually getting, this weekend has proved it. I cannot be arsed with people who feel like they can pop into my life when they feel like it.

Why do people do that? You don’t hear from someone in years and then all of a sudden they want to be friends after they tell you where to go? Why?

Over the past few days I’ve caught up with previous blog posts I’ve written along with others from twitter pals and friends on wordpress.

The material you’ve all written makes me see that you can in fact be a heroine to others but most importantly to yourself. I don’t think anyone really likes to praise themselves however you should praise yourself for the posts you’re writing because they inspire others. I know they inspire me.

Whilst reading I’ve noticed that we all share the same passion. Usually it’s the documenting our findings in order to get issues off your chest or to help others we feel are in the same position as us seems to be the pattern I see emerging. It’s the journey we’re documenting and if that’s therapeutic for you then fabulous. We all have our reasons why we choose to blog.

As for the rest of the rest of the weekend. I’ve been working a little overtime to pay for my upcoming haircut, a new blazer I’ve seen and to help contribute towards my little getaway to Liverpool next month.

The football season began last week (premier league next week) and the gambling recommenced. Like my bets my healthy eating went tits up with me having a very large bag of chip shop chips. I had a corned beef and potato pasty for my lunch yesterday afternoon. I have no excuses.. Today has been a lot better with me eating rabbit food (salad) for this afternoons lunch.Oh the joys of salad or so she says sarcastically.

If it’s chicken salad I just eat the chicken and lettuce, the same applies with a ham salad, mackerel salad you get where I’m coming from. It defeats the object really doesn’t it? I’d rather forego anything than have salad. This evening it’s about the chicken dinner minus the Yorkshires. Happy days!

Exercise wise I’ve exercised for two days running, today will be my third. I’m on a roll.

To conclude today’s post. Be a hero/heroine not a victim. Unfortunately shit happens in life that we don’t particularly like however bouncing back clearly outweighs the original problem. This pattern won’t change overnight however you will get there.

I’ve said this many a time you are far stronger than what you think. It’s the writing down what you want, what you need to get rid of and what you want for you that should be at the forefront of your mind. Home in on your qualities and run with them. If I can try I know you can.

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