Knowing you’re worth it.

Well hello everyone or should I say what have I missed?

Ah I’m so glad to be back blogging and chatting to everyone.

By the looks of things (or should I say my twitter timeline) everyone’s talking about so many topics ranging from medication side effects to who’s going to get evicted out of tonight’s Big Brother. Well whatever the discussion you now have my undivided attention because as of today I’m off work for a week’s holiday and it’s about time Sazzle had a bit of me time to recuperate.

Right I think it’s only right to kick off this evening’s post with a quote.. as usual.

“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it” – C. Joybell C.

Now when I talk about being worth it I’m not talking about the L Oreal adverts where you get ridiculously good looking celebrities coming onto the TV flicking their hair all over the place whilst advertising the latest hair styling product I’m talking about feeling worth it in yourself and believing it.

With me I was this person who felt like the whole world was on top of her, like there was no light at the end of the tunnel and that although I was generally happy with my upbringing that I was never good enough. I would do the usual feeling sorry for myself, crying for no reason and feeling like I was standing in a dark room with no one listening. Some may perceive this as being pathetic.

Looking back I could say the crying could possibly have been linked with my medication and the side effects they would bring however deep down I knew that there was a part of me that wasn’t accepting what she saw in the mirror.

I know I could have done things differently however at the time it was normal to me. As time’s gone by my thoughts are evolving and I am now realising that strength can come from within on the basis you get to the root cause of the problem.

Ask yourself this. What is fear? Is it something we run away from at the first available opportunity or is it something else?

Me I’m not going to deny it but I have been fearful particularly when family are involved. There’s this fear that I’ll be left alone with nothing.

When you ask people what their biggest fear is the answers are usually (to name a few)

“My biggest fears are clowns, spiders, snakes”

After hearing their response the first thing that comes to my mind is are you fearful or are you just scared?
There’s a fine line between the two.

I’ve raised this subject more than once now and have used the word FEAR in many a sentence when describing epileptic episodes and the subconscious mind digesting what has just happened to us. I think when I describe my condition I initially think fear however should have actually used the word panic because usually my condition forces me to panic not to be fearful.

I would say it’s the not knowing where you’re episode is going or how you and you’re loved ones react that makes your mind work overdrive add that to you thinking about your condition 24/7 and there you have it explosions ahoy! It’s a vicious circle and one I can relate to.

To me fear is the feeling of losing someone I hold dear or losing my house that I’ve spent a great deal of time making a home or the fear that should I eventually fall pregnant in the near future that our baby will have to endure what I’ve faced for twenty years.

Although I am extremely proud of how I and everyone else cope with their Epilepsy that was me as a person and as a mother I question whether I would react differently. The latter is a possibility however something that enters my mind every now and again particularly now the word babies have been mentioned recently.

These are fears however they’re ones I cannot control therefore I have to tell myself that I just have to keep going and push through those barriers.

Although I haven’t been blogging I have been taking a little time out after work to catch up on my tweets and respond to you all. Your tweets have in fact kept me going over the past few days and raised my spirits following extreme bouts of tiredness and coffee overload. Merge medication side effects with caffeine and well.. I think we all know how that makes you feel. Lethargic, groggy and miserable.

Apologies if I haven’t been as speedy as I’d like to be however overtime isn’t usually on at work and Our sazzle here has not only got bills to pay but has her eyes on a pair of trousers and yet another pair of shoes therefore have had to take time out to focus on raking a little bit of dosh in.

Whilst I sit here listening to my IPod I refer back to my childhood and how for many years I’ve never thought I was worth it.

I used to think that believing you were “too good” would destine you for failure however sometimes a lot of self belief can spur you on and put you into situations you never thought were possible such as participating in a social event or a works presentation. It’s safe to say that we could do anything if we put our minds to it. It’s the self belief that truly matters.

Being diagnosed with Epilepsy was at first a humongous blow. The questions of “Why me” and “What’s going to happen now?” were one of many that would circulate round my mind.

I was always a girl who wanted to please and to be the best that she could be. Now I’m a girl who wants to try her best however knows that there’s always tomorrow. It’s not all about doing everything today.

It took a long time to get that girl back it’s only now that I’m starting to realise that life isn’t just about being extremely successful and raking in the pounds it’s the victories I have within myself in times of trouble that urge me to continue.

It’s the wanting to educate others about my thoughts and how when you get into that zone of positivity along with the knowing that you can make your life that little easier condition or not is most important to me.

I never thought for one second I would have had the opportunity to speak with other people in a similar position to myself on a daily basis and be able to fathom how and where my condition stands in my life.

It’s truly amazing to see that there are genuine advocates out there spreading epilepsy and anxiety awareness and taking time out in their lives to not hide but to embrace change and pass their experience onto others. These are the people that have given me the uplift that I need to assist you.

These are the people that make me see that come rain or shine we are all in this together and we stand united for a good cause and that’s to be each others guide in times of trouble therefore listen, ask questions and get support.

On a lighter note..

The healthy eating is going terrible. I’m eating healthy hearty meals however my chocolate intake is drifting back to the old me where I wouldn’t think twice about shovelling an entire bar of galaxy into my mouth and devouring it in 10 seconds flat.

Exercise wise that too is on the back burner until tomorrow where I intend to looking at the exercise DVD and actually do it. I must show myself that I need to get back into routine, get a good nights sleep and start doing things properly. The Sazzle fast food no go challenge is officially back on.

Weather wise it’s muggy. It’s what I would call a sticky heat where it’s not excessively hot however it’s the type of heat that makes you feel like you need to use a decent body scrub to get the dirt off you and tires you out easily. For recommendations of body scrubs get yourself onto QVCUK or US… Philosophy is a belter. Pricey but a belter.

To conclude today’s post. Everyone has fears and that’s perfectly normal. When it comes to you as a person write down what you want. Unfortunately you may not be able to eradicate every ounce of negativity however you can start by learning to accept who you are and what you want.

It’s the knowing that there’s people out there who are in the same boat as you that should make you realise that they too need that help. You’re doing great you just need to believe in yourself that bit more.


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