“You realise that the mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past”- Chuck Palahniuk
This is what I’d like to call uncertainty in a box. This is something that cuts the chase and lays my cards right out on the table. My interpretation of this evening’s quote is about the uncertainty surrounding our future because of past events, events we would rather bag up and leave well alone.
The past is something that some smile at, others frown at and the remainder feel uncomfortable. I’ve said on many occasion the past is done, the present is now and the future is yet to be written. We can all sit here on a warm summer’s evening questioning where we stand, what we want and cannot have and what fears we will be up against on a daily basis.
When it comes to worry, anxiety or Epilepsy we can either do one of two things we can stand up to the inevitable, make our feelings known and move on gaining strength along the way or alternatively we can run as fast as we can knowing fine well that this insecurity will never be eradicated until we stand up to it.
In times where I would feel sorry for myself I would sit there questioning why Epilepsy had to come knocking on my door and why at the tender age of 8 years old this weight would not only be put on my shoulders of myself but the shoulders of my loved ones also.
Upon diagnosis I felt like the whole world had come crashing down with only me standing there totally oblivious as to what had just happened.
I felt afraid, tired and apprehensive at what my life would eventually entail however as I’ve grown older I’m starting to accept that even someone who is perceived as normal can still have the same apprehensions as someone with a condition. The difference being is that we are unaware of what their problems are because they’re not apparent, they’re not on show.
Another quote that has caught my eye this evening is:
“Sometimes it’s best to know what we stand for not just what you stand against”- Laurie Halse Anderson.
I think growing up I tired to make a stand against my Epilepsy but did it the wrong way. I never actually stood up for my Epilepsy and explained to others how it made me feel I just bottled it in and sought advice later than I should of.
If questions were raised I would acknowledge to others that I had Epilepsy and anxiety however never fully acknowledged this to myself which looking back is extremely sad therefore I intend not to focus on that emotional experience and leave the past alone.
Sometimes we can sit there and wonder what we’re fighting for. I was sent home yesterday because I was shaking. My head was all over the shop with shooting pains at the back of my head. Within minutes of speaking with a colleague I was lying on the floor legs and arms like lead weights and my eyes looking as though they were where my feet were.
I can’t explain where the shaky bout came from however all I knew was that I needed rest. I returned home, had a quick bite before sleeping for three hours. After a rather large snooze I managed to pull myself round and resume as normal, weak but in a better frame of mind.
Before sleeping my mind started to wander and I continued thinking.
In times of need we can sit there and evaluate why we have this neurological condition that we never asked for, why we have a condition that may not be hereditary and why we have on occasion had to alter our lives to accommodate it. What you need to tell yourself is that you may feel low however Epilepsy shouldn’t be deemed as a flaw it should be deemed as the catalyst to spur you on.
Having a condition whether it be the Epilepsy or the anxious moments we have to learn to address these issues immediately, have the episode and see if possible how we can cope with the next episode. What I’ve noticed whilst reading self help books is that people will go to the far ends of a fart to alter your thought pattern whilst completely oblivious as to what you’re actually through.
My opinion on that would be what a load of bollocks. As harsh as this may sound and something it’s taken 20 years to adapt to and what people if possible need to grasp very quickly is that you will only change when you want to change. If you have a half arsed approach then it isn’t going to happen.
If you think your Epilepsy is the enemy then you’re going to be fighting a losing battle the remainder of your life. You’re never going to be best friends with your condition that’s for sure however if it’s going to be there for the long haul you’re going to have to try and get along otherwise it will win.
Apologies if I’ve said this more than once however the neurologist once said to my mam “Saz may never grow out of her epilepsy she’ll just grow into her life”. I will never forget that comment and looking back that’s so true.
On both stints of my time in Cognitive Behavioural therapy I remember sitting there getting so annoyed and upset with my condition because I felt like I was fighting that losing battle, that I could never be eternally happy or grateful because I was always watching my back incase something dreadful happened.
In times of anxiety the worried Saz would be an emotional wreck and looking back it wasn’t healthy for me or my family to witness.
After writing down my thoughts and putting into words the way I felt it all started to make sense. I was running and I shouldn’t have been. Nowadays there’s no point in running. If shit happens, it happens. If you don’t get answers look elsewhere. If you want support and cannot get it from your family or friends then look elsewhere.
If you’ve tried your very best and it falls at the waist side well by god you’ve given it a go. Never and I repeat ever be too hard on yourself because we must in times of repeated negativity let go, accept what we already know and break the pattern.
On a lighter note. The Sazzle no go fast food challenge. Going swell. I have replaced my sweet treats with the odd cereal bar or a low fat yoghurt. My food portions are getting smaller (it’s killing me mind) and the exercise is going rather well indeed.
I have however replaced my urge of tasty treats for.. you may have guessed it.. tanning.
No sunbeds.. remember I suffer from Epilepsy those are a no go. I have stayed well clear of the fake tan and the orange woman effect. The piz buin woman is out I’m afraid. No look of old tea bags rubbed all over my arms. Those days are gone for now. I have however started basking in the sun for the odd hour and are now donning the pink effect.
As I’m getting hotter during the day as is my body.
I’m like a chameleon changing colour and looking like a frigging goon. You’ve got to laugh it off though. You can tell I’m a typical Brit. What I mean by that is when tanning the majority of us don the old T-shirt line, jewellery marks and bra straps marks and look pastey everywhere else. Great eh?
We all fall into that trap don’t we? Checking to see if you’ve changed colour by revealing the white mark where you’re watch strap is and getting all chuffed it. If you all don’t then I’ve just made a complete tit of myself writing how pleased I am over tanning.. Oh dear.
To conclude today’s post. Let go of what you already know.
If you don’t change the cycle then you’ll always be running. Sometimes it’s best to realise that some questions will never be answered therefore we must leave them well alone and regain our energy for things we enjoy instead of using that same energy to stress about things we cannot control. Just be you. Accept you for you and the rest may fall into place.