The whole purpose of this evening’s post is to ask questions to you all and to see if anyone can offer any form of advice. The past couple of days all I’ve thought about is.. children.
Come to think of it babies have been on my mind for the past year. I’ve tried to shoo it out of my mind so I can concentrate on other parts of my life however there is this part of me who is ready to be a mother.
You heard me right a mother. The first thing that comes to my mind is what sort of mother would I be? Would I be the one who is extremely worried 110% of the time? I really don’t know.
It’s safe to say that my maternal instinct has officially kicked in. I’m 28 and I know I’m not getting any younger. My husband and I have been together for over 5 years, married for just over two and are settled.
It doesn’t matter where I go, what I read or what I watch on TV there it is.. This celebrity’s pregnant, pampers commercials come on or something about bloody cow and gate formula. It’s lovely but when you’ve got this issue on your mind it’s like just fucking go away until I’m ready!
That happens with everything doesn’t it? If you’re worried about money somebody wants to offer you a credit card, if you’re wanting to go on holiday every one’s off on their jollies while you’re applying fake tan in the bathroom. You catch my drift?
I have friends who have children. I am supportive of their choice to be parents and am overjoyed to watch them blossom into wonderful parents. There’s always this part of me who just wanted to play then hand them back however now it’s decision time. Do I jump in with both feet go with my instinct and give it a go or do I hang fire? What would you suggest?
The one thing that is making me question whether to take this leap isn’t the financial aspect of it like it once was. It’s the one thing that I’ve questioned my entire life.. you’ve probably guessed it already.. My Epilepsy.
Before I continue I think a quote is necessary:
“It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped”- Tony Robbins
The other evening I based my blog post on decision making and how crucial it is to make those decisions, stick by them and move forward and I think that I may have to elaborate on this further. This is the one thing with me where I’m actually afraid to move forward. Why?
This is possibly because for four years I have been on Keppra taking roughly the same dosage (currently at 1250mg) and have moseyed along trying not to worry with whatever came my way. Now it’s the hesitation.. why am I hesitating?
Am I so afraid that my seizures will return and I blame this decision for them returning? I hope not.
To now contemplate having a baby reducing my medication or even incorporating something else and having to do so without damaging my unborn child is something that petrifies me.
In previous circumstances I have read books, went to support groups, discussion forums and even trawled through the internet for answers. When it comes to pregnancy this is something that is a different ballgame altogether.
In order to gage an understanding of what I’d need to do before planning for a baby I decided to go online to see what my initial step would be. The internet advises that a woman discuss with her GP six months before trying for a baby. My neurologist would need to intervene and discuss a fertility plan along with my medication dosage. It’s only then that I will know what position I’m in to prepare for having a baby.
Going into discussion forums and seeking advice is a great source of getting information however going on the internet can sometimes be your downfall. After going on the internet this weekend I cam away with a bit of useful information however wished I never bothered because I was in a right state afterwards.
Like Tony said above decisions can shape your destiny. For the past four years I have been on roughly the same dosage and have remained seizure free. Shaky yes.. but no seizures. Apart from the one decrease I have remained the same.
and to shake this up again while I still have my shaky bouts petrifies me. I don’t want to go back to the worried Saz. It’s an awful place and I just don’t want to go back.
I want to be the confident Saz the one who is understandably worried about being a parent (you show me someone who isn’t) without the fear that my anxiety associated with my condition will kick in.
Deep down I know it’s a natural progression and that sacrifices must be made in order to start a family however changing routine is something I know is necessary however something I’m still gradually learning to cope with.
I would love nothing more than to be a mother one day. I’d like to think I’m quite good with kids because I’m probably a large child myself.
I just wish that it was easier without all the faffing about seeing every Tom, Dick and Harry before making the decision to complete our family. Do any of you feel the same?
If you don’t mind sharing your experiences then please do because I am at a crossroads at the minute and want so desperately to accept this natural progression and move forward without the panic.
For the past six months all I’ve done on this blog is advise, share my experiences and try to maintain that PMA (positive mental attitude) so you all can see that anything is possible and that your Epilepsy shouldn’t prevent you from living your life.
Why when I write this can I not take my own advice? Maybe I should because I know my heart and head are drawing the same conclusion that is that worry gets you nowhere.
Towards the end of this week I have a GP appointment to discuss where we go from here. I have questions I want to raise and I need to know where I stand not just for my sake but for the sake of an addition to our household.
In the meantime I intend to try and just go with the flow, continue with my days as normal and just remain calm. Like worry overanalysing doesn’t get you anywhere.
As for the past couple of days event’s wise I’ve been to work as usual. I have scoffed a couple of twirls (much to my own disappointment) however apart from that I’ve been eating healthier.
That’s the one thing with work. I can refrain from chocolate and have healthier substitutes at home however when I get to work it’s like putting your hands in the frying pan. Why do we do that? Is the temptation just too great or is it that a chocolate biscuit just goes so well with a cup of coffee? I know what I should do.
Make a cup of my hot chocolate (fat free) instead or have this vision of the perfect bod in my mind before reaching for the chocolate!! I suppose we all need treats however I want treats all of the time!!
The exercise too has taken a backseat for the past couple of days and shakes wise I’ve had the odd flutter however nothing major. I’m back on the exercise tomorrow so fingers crossed I won’t be aching too much.
To conclude today’s post. Decision making helps you and sometimes it’s best to kick yourself out of that comfort zone gradually to see how you can cope. Life isn’t about sitting pretty and watching the world pass you by. It’s about enjoying yourself, tackling your insecurities head on and patting yourself on the back during the process.
With me this week so far has brought up life changing decisions and made me see that I am now an adult and that sometimes we have to cut to the chase to determine what outcome we want for ourselves. Life’s too short to sit and watch.