Spreading your wings.

Good evening everyone, hope you’re all having a rather pleasant Thursday. After all it’s Friday tomorrow and you know what that means? The weekend is here and I cannot wait because I’m getting an IPad mini.. Get in there!

My word what a day I’ve had.. Trying to make something more exciting than what it is really.

Today has consisted of work, work and more work before being topped off with a half hour of 30 day shred (level 3 I may add, the heat was definitely on) and a rather tasty tuna pasta made courtesy of moi.

You can tell there’s literally nothing in the house. There’s nothing worse than feeling hungry, opening your cupboards and staring at the emptiness.

I’d like to call these Thursday night’s “Tuna pasta” nights because there’s bugger all until tomorrow evening when we go food shopping. It’s either that or beans on toast.. and I’m sick of beans on toast. I cannot stand the smell of filtered beans because it stinks to high heaven! Throw in a toot from the cat and you’ve got a mixture of beans and kitty kat. Not a nice concoction.

Well enough talk about my tuna pasta evenings let’s rattle off the quote of the day:

“You were born with wings so why prefer to crawl through life?”- Rumi

Now this is a statement that could be perceived as being a mixed bag of emotions however does have some meaning to it.

When I read this the first thing that came to mind was what is Rumi’s definition of crawling through life? Is it that we are just getting by or is it that we should be making the most of the life we have.

I’d like to think it’s the second option because everyone’s financial circumstances are different, their circumstances can alter due to underlying medical conditions or having to quit their job to care for others. It all depends upon your own setup and how far you are prepared to go to push yourself to make yourself happy.

With a condition like Epilepsy there are restrictions there’s no two ways about it and this can be caused by a multitude of things. Side effects are another thing that can damage confidence and make you feel down.

Like anxiety Epilepsy can prevent you from taking the next step out of fear you’ll have an episode. By having an episode on a new task can trigger other underlying anxieties resulting in it taking years for you to tackle that challenge again. I understand this because I had a similar experience myself when I was younger.

Lately I’ve found that my hands and arms shake of an evening. Not my usual shaky bouts but small things like opening a can of beans or putting on a bed spread is extremely difficult because I have no real grip. Holding a pen or a cup is perfectly fine but gripping for a long period of time is quite hard.

I hate the idea of asking for help with anything. My doctors think this shaking could be down to my years of convulsing and shaky bouts. This is my long lasting effect however this is something I’m having to get used to.

For me change is something that has to sink in. It’s something that scared me as a child and still does on occasion. Little things like changing my work pattern, making sure I have sufficient money in my purse to pay for something or not knowing what’s for tea is something that throws me off guard slightly.

It’s only when I take a step back that I realise that these are little things that I shouldn’t really be worrying about. It’s a matter of just going with the flow.

As I’ve got older I’ve identified side effects from my medication such as headaches, tiredness, lack of concentration, feeling demotivated, the occasional bouts of paranoia and just general lousiness. To explain a task to one person may take ten minutes, me it takes about ten days for it to fully register. Why? Because my mind isn’t fixated on the task it’s elsewhere, where I couldn’t tell you but I know I’m not digesting this information straight away that’s for certain.

This lack of concentration used to really eat me up inside because I thought I wasn’t normal.

Rewind ten years ago and here I am sitting at university with my pals watching them writing and referring back to various references in textbooks, participating and asking questions that I could only dream of asking. Me I was sitting there delirious wanting to go into the big wide world and earn some cash instead of sitting in a lecture hall doing a degree that I didn’t want to be enrolled on.

I was doing what I thought I should be doing and not what I actually wanted to do.

When I’m interested in something that’s when I learn. You give me something I’m not fussed on and you’ll get nothing out of me bar mumbo jumbo about everything bar the subject. I blamed my meds for a period of time and to a degree believe my meds have contributed towards my lack of concentration, that and wanting to be everywhere at once.

Having a condition for the majority of my lifetime made me feel like I was inadequate, like I was never up to the job. Taking medication became a chore and the constant trialling meds and tests were draining my resources.

I was half arsed with a lot of things for a long period of time however when it came to working and earning money then that was a completely different ballgame. .

This was the one time where I refused for my Epilepsy to bring me down. I had to work. I wanted to help my mam, go for nights out, buy clothes, makeup and just do usual girly things.

My way of thinking back then was if my seizures got too bad then I’d have to think differently however if I can I will and that was the one line that would stick in my head everytime I had a rough patch with my condition.

Before thinking this way I felt at times like there was no way I was spreading my wings in a hurry.. It was only when I returned home that I was informed by the people who loved me most that it took more of a person to accept fault than it did continuing in something I didn’t actually want for myself.

My gran said something once that is rather similar to Rumi’s quote. She said that when a child’s a baby you give them room to crawl, you help them to get their wings and then when they’re older they should have the knowledge to spread their wings and do their own thing.

I never really thought I had wings.. till now. Maybe I just doubted myself too much.

Life can sometimes throw so many challenges that can either frustrate you or elate you. It’s the how we react to that challenge differentiates us from others. Having a lousy attitude doesn’t accomplish anything. Having the right attitude can usually get you through tough times ahead.

As I sit here now occasionally sipping my cuppa I have noticed that my outlook on life is changing and that I now feel like I can spread my wings and attempt to leave my past behind me. Once I ran from my Epilepsy, I turned my back on anxiety and cried at the prospect of worrying another day therefore thought it was only right to start changing this trend, this pattern that wouldn’t spur me on but bring me down.

Now I worry when I need to, anxiety will never be far away but I muster on and as for my shaky bouts well they come and go as they please. My shakes are a part of me so what can you do?

On all three aspects I’m noticing that having the right attitude can help you.

What if shouldn’t come into the equation. If you have a life of what if’s then you will be constantly worrying about what’s round the corner and how it’s going to effect you. This is something you should try and move away from but do it as and when you’re ready.

As for this evenings event’s food’s been relatively healthy, exercise has been upped a notch and I’m now on level 3 of Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred and it’s going well. The eating is more of a nightmare than the exercise however I’ve been told that perseverance is what I need to do when changing my eating regime therefore needs must. Thank you all for your advice. I really have needed it these past few days.

To conclude today’s post. Spread your wings when you’re ready however try to change slightly the little things that you feel are niggling at you. Someone once said (and as crazy as this sounds) look in the mirror and give yourself a damn good talking to. If you are afraid to go to others then talk to yourself like you are your own self help guide. I did it once and I didn’t half feel better.

Time is a great healer and if you believe in yourself then there’s no reason why you can’t progress and learn to accept the condition you have. People have different strengths it’s about finding what’s right for you. You will get there eventually. Trust me you will.


2 thoughts on “Spreading your wings.

  1. And Red Bull claims they give you wings. I completely agree about giving yourself a good talking too. I have done it a number of times, but you have to be willing to listen to the advice you are going to give yourself.

    The problem is, as you know, it takes time for it to register.

    • That is does Chris.

      I used to think that I could never give myself a talking to however it’s starting to come as second nature to me! You do have to be willing to listen to your own advice even if you won’t like it at times.

      Defo say red bull gives you wings! Lol 🙂

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