“It always shocked me when I realised I wasn’t the only person in the world who thought and felt such strange and awful things”- J Green.
I thought I was alone for a bloody long time. Family yes they were there but here I was sitting there with my own thoughts feeling alone not wanting to burden the family who love me.
Anxiety coursing through my body ninety to the dozen and me sitting there powerless to stop it. Putting on a brave face to the world and trying to establish deep down who I was and what I represented was a phase in my life that I wish not to repeat as that time has come and gone. Sometimes you need to sit back, take a deep breath and think long and hard.
These words may come across dark for someone but yet rather odd coming from someone who is moving forward with her life however not all memories were happy ones. Don’t get me wrong my life hasn’t been all doom and gloom I’ve shared happy moments and enjoyed many experiences however I’m not going to lie it had been hard.
This evening’s post isn’t about being glum but reflecting on who we truly are as people and sometimes how low you must go in order for your body to be kick-started.
Yesterday I checked my twitter account and noticed that I hit the 300 follower mark.
Upon writing Sazzle’s blog my aim wasn’t to do what others attempt to do and obtain as many followers as possible but to document my recovery in the only way I know how and that’s to write the way I speak.
Words cannot describe how ecstatic I am to be able to tweet to people who are actually listening and who like me wish to represent a worthy cause, to help others and to just make people smile.
Without coming across all soppy I cannot thank you all enough for your support, feedback, well wishes and kind words. I cannot explain how comforting it is to know that there are people out there who are so pleasant and sincere.
When writing articles sometimes individuals put so much emphasis on being grammatically correct and acting ever so professional to try and get their point across. If I attempted to do that it would take me about six months and I’d probably still come across sounding ever so la de da before being told that what I’d written didn’t sound like me therefore I best quit while I’m ahead!
The quote this evening is about evaluating what’s right for you. My interpretation is that (and I know people may frown when I say this) but that the world doesn’t always necessarily revolve around you and that there are many others in your position struggling. I say this because I have been that person.
When you walk past someone in the street or when you’re flicking the channels of an evening watching at how simple people’s lives are we can fall into the trap of “Why can’t my life be as easy as theirs?”
and “What is it that they have that I don’t have?”
Usually it’s money. Other times it’s others kissing their arse to gain popularity however how do you know that behind closed doors they too aren’t suffering? You can never be certain. Looking good may radiate to others perfection however looking good and feeling good sometimes doesn’t come into the same sentence.
We tend as people to go inward and feel like the whole world is centred around our problems. Problems have a tendancy to manifest if you let them. I say this with the greatest respect to not belittle you but to help you because I was one of these people. I prattle about this all of the time however acceptance is key.
Accepting that I suffered from Epilepsy, that I had a nervous disposition and had anxious feelings was a gruelling task and something that I didn’t want to admit to. I didn’t want to admit because in my eyes these were all flaws and I had enough flaws having Epileptic episodes to want to throw more problems into the mix.
Saying that you have a problem is one hell of a step and to be honest with you if you can accept that you have a problem then you’re half way to helping yourself. Whether it be weight issues, medication issues, worry, finances, problems at work anything and I mean anything.
Nothing should be deemed as being a “wasted problem” or a “stupid question” because there’s no such thing as stupid questions. If everyone was afraid of asking a stupid question then there would be no one to help us and we would all merge into the same boring mould. That’s what defines you from the crowd.
Upon diagnosis I was a young girl lost. From those who have read my previous posts are fully aware that I wanted so badly to be loved, to be popular and to just be a happy go lucky sort of girl like some of the people I knew. Maybe I tried too hard to fit in, it backfired and I made mistakes. To this day I wish I could turn back the clock at times however those mistakes were made and we are only human after all. This may seem like a cop out but what else can you say?
Being cautious was common practice for me and in times of weakness (usually when I was alone) would the anxiety strike. My parents suffered from anxiety therefore my initial thought is that I would follow suit.
Sources say that people suffering from Asthma find their condition is usually hereditary and in my case I have inherited this from my dad.
As for anxiety questions have been raised as to whether you can inherit anxiety by viewing alone. When I say this I mean if I am surrounded by people I love who are anxious then can I train my mind to be anxious? Now I’m not telling people to train their mind however it does make me think.
Now this is all theory and my thoughts alone however the possibility of this happening does make me wonder and makes me think whether I may have inherited my anxiety from my parents or whether this was genuinely brought on by life decisions.
Looking back now I put it down to age, experience and just me finding my feet. I reiterate this but sitting on the side-lines watching others live their life isn’t pretty. In fact it’s rather crap therefore go out there and do the inevitable. Start finding out who you are and what you want instead of wanting what others want for you.
My parents never stopped me from living my life, they were wary because of my Epilepsy however encouraged me to stop watching and to start living. After watching me have my insecure moments they uttered those words and I sought help. Enough was enough.
Being alone wasn’t an option therefore you have to make a stand. You can only change for you and you alone therefore write down your feelings and if you’re comfortable with it get it out there for the world to see. A problem shared is a problem halved.
On a lighter note. I’m back to work and I’m absolutely shattered. Maybe it’s because I’m getting up 90 minutes earlier than my mini lie in’s. Work is work and it pays the bills at the end of the day therefore I best not whinge because I don’t have a leg to stand on. Haha!
Being off work for two weeks has left me feeling a lot more relaxed and appreciative of what I have.
Time spent with my husband, family and friends is what makes my world go round. Simple is just what I like.. that the odd garment and dining out somewhere nice every now and again. More now than again..
Since returning to work I have eaten rubbish. Today I wolfed down a mammoth portion of corned beef and potato pie with chips and had a couple of chocolate mint sticks. Last night at the in laws I had a chocolate brownie and a couple of shortbread biscuits. this is not to mention the twirl I had at 8am Monday morning. It wasn’t healthy and I have felt the sluggishness kicking in. Thank god for the exercise! I’m back off the rubbish tomorrow… for good!
Talking about exercise, I’m getting better and I’d have to admit it’s on top form at the minute. I’m trying to exercise five times per week. The workouts aren’t long however a 30 minute session of Kill Jill is supposedly like 80 minutes in the gym so I’m no complaining. Mind you I’m sore but getting there.
To conclude tonight’s post. You’re not alone. Sometimes we need to reflect on what we have gone through to appreciate what we currently have. Times are tough and there are decisions that we would rather postpone for the time being however postponing doesn’t get anyone anywhere therefore if you have a worry get it out there and cut yourself some slack for a change. There’s always someone out there who will listen if you want them to.
If all else fails give me a shout I’ll talk about anything. For those who know me know that I can talk for England. If that’s the best they’ve got then I’ll settle for that.