Letting go.. you can’t help everybody.

Good afternoon everyone. What a weekend we are having.

I thought we were forecast for glorious sunshine however the weather has well and truly turned. It’s belting it down with rain, the flowers are overjoyed at the idea that they’re going to get a damn good drink and the cats dodging the rain as we speak to hide for cover underneath the car.

Usually I rattle off a quote however today it’s more of getting something off my chest.

Apologies for not blogging yesterday I had a blinding headache all day. My husband’s attempt to take me into Newcastle for a coffee and a browse swayed me for part of the day however with the greatest intentions in the world my headache wasn’t shifting irrespective of staying hydrated and taking two paracetemol every four hours. Never mind.

This is one thing about headaches I cannot stand. They can well and truly ruin your day depending upon the severity. If you have a migraine well you might as well write the day off.

The feeling that you’re hallucinating isn’t the nicest and the pain is excruciating. No matter how many tablets you pop that pain isn’t subsiding for a while. The sickness sinks in and you feel like rubbish. As for the remainder of the headache family they too are a pain in the arse however they are doable I suppose.. relax, stay hydrated, eat regularly (if you can) and just try to remain calm.

Yesterday was a day where I couldn’t be bothered. Although my coffee went down rather nicely at mid-day the day didn’t go swimmingly well.

Recently I’ve felt like I’m running at full steam ahead and want others to come running with me. I experienced a similar pattern when my cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) ceased.

Now I had this sort of newfound lease of life I wanted to help everyone. Now I was on my road to recovery I wanted to assist everyone else. I wanted to teach them that life was for living and feeling sorry for yourself wasn’t an option even though I still had my moments on occasion. I wanted them to help themselves as I was trying to help myself. Unfortunately my want didn’t go according to plan.

I would like to think that I’m a family orientated person who has a large space in her heart for her family.

I would do anything for my family however know at times that although you love them you won’t always like the decisions they make. Either way you have to stand by, watch and hope for the best.

Since I was a child I wanted my life to exceed more than I could ever have imagined. From those who’ve read my blog from the beginning are aware of my successes and shortfalls. I have made no secret about those.

When I made the crucial decision to want to move forward and leave my anxiety at the back door I thought that everyone else would be in unison with me. Although my family’s support was there, there was one person who I couldn’t quite help.. My mam.

From earlier posts I have explained in great detail the relationship I have with my mother and the fact that although my parents ended their relationship at an early age we have remained a close knit family who come together in times of need.

A third party looking in would look at the relationship my parents have and think that they were best of friends that’s because they are. The decisions we have made are not of a family divided but a family that come together like a normal family unit should.

When my parents split up there was always this disheartened feeling from my end on the hope that my parents would reconcile however this wasn’t meant to be. My mam was never bitter and has always been extremely independent so much so that in my eyes decisions are extremely hard for her to make. I want nothing more than my mam to be happy and to be treat with the respect that she deserves.

My mam like a significant amount of parents out there has given me everything she could possibly offer without putting us in financial ruin. She has been constructive of me at times and have clashed like parents do with their children however the one thing I want for my mam is to get out there, find someone and be happy. I want her to show the world what she’s made of because she’s bloody marvellous.

I have sat on numerous occasions both over the telephone and face to face with my mam chatting endlessly about what we want for one another. Yesterday was a prime example of this. She was questioning me, I tend to misinterpret what she’s saying, get snappy and the end result is tears from my end because I feel bad for disrespecting my mother.

I wouldn’t change my mam’s personality nor would I change her appearance however I just want her to see that she’s worth more than what she thinks and that routine can be broken.

She has instilled the drive into me that she should want for herself and I want her to see that she needs to take her own advice, have a good time and move forward.

My mam has always put me first as I try to do with her.

Every time there’s a problem with my mam I feel accountable, not that she’s asked me to be however I cannot help myself. Growing in a house where there was just my mam and I (my nana lived with us till I was ten years old) there was bound to be friction however there was also a bond formed that could never be broken. As a mother would care for her child I felt responsible to so the same. Now that may seem rather silly to some however this is the way I am.

From having a condition such as Epilepsy I have grown to be someone who doesn’t believe in quitting because when you fall if you refuse to get back up then you’re only disappointing yourself.

When I came off the telephone I referred back to the sessions I had with Bob and started to put his theory into practice. For years my mother and I have had this battle of wills and it was about time for me to let go.

I don’t wish to portray this nasty picture of my mother as she loves me dearly however I can’t hide the way I feel. I have said for years that I will let my mam “Do what she wants to do” however have always sunken back into old habits and have possibly interfered when it’s not appropriate.

This is the thing. You can will for someone to be a certain way, you can hope someone will turn out the way you want however only they can make the decision to move forward. If they feel like their life is just fine the way it is then you must allow them to make their own decisions and to find out for themselves which path is right for them.

With me it’s taken 20 years for me to document my emotions and to lay my cards out on the table. Maybe my parents could see my faults however chose to do the opposite of me and after years of persuasion eventually kept their mouths shut so I could learn the hard way. I always took into account their guidance and drew my own conclusion off that.

Standing still I’m now thinking that I need to take that step back and allow them to lead their own lives even though they have a desired input in mine. Maybe I feel this way because I’m not yet a parent therefore don’t fully understand my parents’ way of thinking. Hopefully I will one day.

On a lighter note my eating has been going rather well. My mother in law brought over a cupcake yesterday that I had with a cuppa. The exercise is a hurdle however I’m getting there and thinking of my figure in the long term. I don’t want to lose weight I just want to remain toned.

As for my purchases well… I’ll not bore you with all the details however my new Nails Inc emerald colour arrived courtesy of the Nails Inc online site. My word.. what a colour. For those who wish to purchase the colour is Queen Victoria Street and it’s £11. Yes I know it’s expensive but well worth it.

Other’s included a new floral top and a bare minerals pink kit that consisted of a new blusher, eyeshadows, an eye liner and a gorgeous sheer pink lipgloss. Delightful.

To conclude today’s post. Helping yourself is something that is required in order for you to accept and appreciate who you are in the long term. If you have a condition coming to terms with that can be a milestone and can make you see that although you have it this shouldn’t prevent you from reaching your goals.

In my case I’m getting there. You cannot help everyone all of the time because they can interpret differently what life is all about.

Sometimes offering advice can come across as interfering at times and although it upsets you, you have to adhere at times to their wishes and take a step back. It’s hard but needs must.


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