Cups, support and a completely new hair style.

“When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty my only response is that I am thankful I have a cup”

This quote is courtesy of online site Stay thankful who has given me a reminder of how often things are actually better than what they seem. This quote above gives me an insight as to how fortunate we all are if we think long and hard about it.

When you sit down and analyse where we currently stand we may then realise that we are people who are extremely lucky to have people around us who are there to support us and advise us when the going gets tough.

For those who may not be as fortunate support is always available and you should never feel like you’re sinking or just treading above water. There are people out there who are willing to help should you need it.

Lately I have been noticing that trends emerge when I get angry, upset or just downright frustrated. There’s this feeling of no one listening like no one understands what you’re going through at that precise moment.

Usually when these patterns emerge I go upstairs and want to be alone. There are moments where I have wallowed in my own self pity however now I think to myself that the show must go on therefore I better dust myself off and crack on otherwise the day will be over and I’ll be kicking myself for behaving like a muppet.

My shakes have come in dribs and drabs over the past couple of weeks and although I’m aware of what my shakes can entail I am still questioning the why’s and what fors.

I keep telling myself that sometimes there are questions that cannot be answered however still try to pursue the answer. Surely I should just walk away from the fact that I’ll never get to the bottom of my shakes and move on. Is this wrong?

This is a pattern that I cannot quite walk away from, this could possibly be down to the fact that I’ve analysed my condition for so long that I no longer know when I’m actually doing it.

As the saying goes there are people that appear to fall into one of two categories. The half empty or the half full cup. With me usually I’m optimistic and would like to think that my cup is half full however in times of uncertainty I tend to drift into the half empty cup. The half empty cup are usually the pessimists who feel that they’ll never catch that break or that they’re always the one in the firing line.

I was once a pessimist however thought that being pessimistic never got me anywhere. Every single time the shit hit the fan I’d sit there and say “told you so” when something went wrong. Deep down what was I going to achieve behaving like that?

Instead of accepting the “whatever will be will be” strategy I have been known to clamp up and get myself a little freaked out. As time goes on my mood is changing and I’m coming to terms with my shakes however this is still gradual.

I recently had a shake whilst sitting reading my kindle. For some strange reason I knew something was hovering. It didn’t come to light that my shakes were going to make a dramatic entrance but I was fidgety. I couldn’t sit still, I had a dull headache and my vision was a tad blurred. I wasn’t afraid however knew that it would be a matter of time before I’d be lying on the sofa yet again questioning this panic.

Within half an hour I was sitting there shaking. My plastic glass fell out of my hands and onto the carpet and before long I was shaking uncontrollably, hugging the cushion for comfort whilst frantically wanting to pick up my cup from the floor out of fear that there could be a stain.

Words cannot describe the way a shake effects you nor can I explain how a shake arises however all I knew is that I needed to remain calm and in some form of control.

As the numbing feeling entered the left hand side of my face I knew that this could potentially be an advanced shake and prayed that it would leave me sooner rather than later.

Whilst shaking all I could think of in my mind was that “People suffer worse than I do therefore I should count myself lucky” and kept reiterating this sentence in my head over and over again to inform my subconscious mind that we could both get through this and that it was just a matter of time.

Low and behold within two hours my brain decided to come in unison with my emotions and the shakes subsided.

Instead of relaxing I decided to get back up and continue with my chores. I continued with my day not acknowledging that I had just shaken and made myself feel worse as the day progressed. Instead of doing my usual routine of eating, lying down and relaxing I wasn’t bothered and made myself worse. This wasn’t me. I knew then there was something wrong. The problem was that there wasn’t something wrong. I was in the wrong.

I was trying to do too many things at once and unfortunately this was not the most productive way to do things.

Presently I’ve been reading a book about a woman’s lack of belief in herself and the scenarios she must face to overcome her demons.

People who know me can blatantly see that I analyse things excessively and don’t know when to stop. Whilst reading my book I started thinking about what life I’d envisaged for myself and how in today’s climate the simplest of decisions can change the way I live my life entirely.

Instead of feeling like I’m on a pedestal waiting for the next episode (whether that be a shake/seizure or anxiety attack) to happen I need to be thinking “Sod it, if it happens it happens” I need to start taking my own advice instead of allowing my brain to think another.

Instead of constantly requiring reassurance in times of need I need to allow the episode to run it’s course and for my body to react the only way it knows how to that’s to shake and get it out of my system.

A question for you all? Do any of you feel that way from time to time? Do any of you offer words of wisdom but don’t translate that wisdom into your own lives?

What I’ve come to notice is that we should all be responsible for our own actions. Sometimes it’s easy to create an excuse, a cop out as to why we can’t do something. Instead we should be saying that “we can” and start thinking positively before facing up to our fears instead of running from them.

If you’re worried about your medication talk to someone who can assist you such as a doctor. Never go on the internet to self diagnose otherwise you’ll be thinking you’re on death’s door before you know it.

If you’re worried about financial worries speak with a relative or a bank manager and if you’re in urgent need of a little push then get your friends to give you a damn good talking to. I have listed a variety of support groups on my facebook page so please have a browse if you’ll find this beneficial for you.

With regards to everything else I’ve been up to well where do I begin.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the past two weeks chilling, running errands and doing the usual Saz duties.

As I’m on a healthy (well not entirely.. healthier) way of thinking then I have revisited my chocolate intake (apart from the half a brownie yesterday night) and incorporated healthier substitutes like fruit and a low fat yoghurt into my diet.

The exercise is well under way with me now jumping between my 30 day shred and my killer buns and thighs workouts. Overall the mood has changed.

As for mood’s so has my hair. Instead of having the usual train track bonce (i.e. my roots are coming through resembling train tracks) I decided for a complete change. That change was to go back to my original colour (was blonde now a light brown) and get the whole thing cut off.

I’m a lover of short hair and usually decide that short is the new long when I get my hair done however this time I thought what the hell. As my hairdresser was removing all traces of dyed blonde and cutting off my Samson locks I started to think that life is all about changes and going back to my original colouring was a big step for me.

One thing my book was telling me was that you can be different and that’s ok. If you want to be a sheep then follow the herd. If you want to stand out then get yourself out there for the world to see. Don’t keep prattling on about what you intend to do and just do it.

Change should be a good thing and something you shouldn’t shy away from. If you want to reinvent your style then do it, if you want to revive your mood then do it. What’s the worst that can happen?

My hair is different and something that I’ll get used to however I’m embracing the new change. The aim for the remainder of the year is to remain breezy, to make light of situations and to get back into my reading. If I can achieve these mini goals then I’ll be a happy lady!

To conclude today’s post. If we don’t change then we don’t grow. If we don’t grow then we aren’t really living. Sometimes it’s nice to stand still and take in what’s around you. Take in the positive aspects that life can bring. Hold the people you love dear and support them as they support you.

If you want to embody change then what the hell go do it. When it comes to certain things in life they are bound to be uncontrollable however if you want something then it’s your responsibility to act on your actions and to accept yourself for who you are.


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