Journeys and taking small steps.

Small steps? Mmmm.. It’s a shame we can’t take big ones however sometimes jumping too many times can force us to trip up.

Today I thought it would be relevant to raise this question before writing today’s quote that is:

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”- Lao Tzu

Throughout this blog I have documented my struggles with Epilepsy, today I intend on merging my Epilepsy fears with that of my anxiety.

This is something now I can write without feeling down because every word I’m writing is something that when I read it back to myself makes me see that anyone can change on the basis you believe in you and take the required time to do so.

Everyone has a destination that they want to get to however sometimes reaching that destination can take longer in some than others. Lately I have been enjoying myself and wondering why I get myself all pent up over nothing.

The past two weeks have been rather amusing with me trying to identify what makes me tick and whether my medication has anything to do with it. I have noticed significant improvements and are just hoping that they continue.

I’d like to think that with me what you see is what you get. As you are all aware there were moments of doubt where I’d worry excessively and when analysing why I was worrying I couldn’t give a definitive answer. I put all my eggs in one basket and blamed my medication for my behaviour. I have no qualms with thinking that my medication has an impact on my thought process it’s the how I come to terms with the excessive worry that’s making me wonder.

Since addressing the issue that I had anxiety and worry was the start of my journey, that and acknowledging that I was a person suffering from Epilepsy and coping with this condition on a daily basis. The acknowledgement was the first hurdle and by saying that problem aloud meant that in my mind I was half way to helping myself.

Upon embarking on my therapy sessions I understood that having Epilepsy wasn’t my fault and blaming myself wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I could sit here all day and blame my condition for turning me into a nervous wreck however deep down was this going to achieve anything?

Whilst undergoing various medical testing (EEG’s, MRI scans etc) I noticed that the one person who was preventing myself from having a happier life was me and this wasn’t acceptable. You cannot prevent what’s round the corner however you can try to program your mind to cope with all scenarios that come your way and to understand that the majority of things happen for a reason.

I can’t recall ever saying this in my blog however I will try to explain the only way I know how and that’s to be honest and true. I want for all to see that having a condition such as Epilepsy can be manageable however isn’t exactly a walk in the park at times. When I was initially told that I had Epilepsy in the summer of 1993 I felt bemused and afraid all in one.

I was scared for my wellbeing but for the people who loved me who would have to adjust their lifestyle to accommodate a condition none of us ever wanted.

Every time I’d have a seizure I’d feel like I’d just been ran over by a bus. The constant worry would translate into me requiring reassurance that would result in me getting angry at the fact that I needed this in order to move on. The only way to describe what I’ve just written is the whole “Is it me?” trend the minority get into would come into practice.

It’s the apologising for something you aren’t 100% certain about and then feeling like a idiot about it afterwards. That emotional pattern seems to imitate that of a needy person and one now I could never go back to being.

In my opinion it takes more of a person to accept fault and take the necessary steps to help themselves than plod on like nothing’s ever happened particularly when they’re health is concerned.

There are a vast amount of people in the world today who turn a blind eye when they come across someone with a condition. They don’t recognise people with anxiety are trying their utmost to get through the day without having that attack and are trying to be the best person they can be within themselves. This is why awareness needs to be raised.

As for the past 24 hours I have been relaxing, eating healthier (I’ve been off the bread and chocolate for 24 hours and counting and wanting to chomp my hand off to prevent me reaching for a sugary snack) and are back on the Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred.

Come the end of the month I’m contemplating buying her bums and thigh DVD just to get a little variation into my workouts. Since getting back into my exercise regime I’ve felt rather chipper therefore instead of wanting to chop her head off I’ll stop whinging and leave her well alone. After all she’s only doing her job..

Although I adore being off work and doing whatever I like I’m on major London comedown. Being in London was unreal and being able to jump on a tube and see something new was right up my street. It’s a shame we weren’t there longer however intend to return before Christmas money permitting. I’ve got my eyes on an Ipad mini and unfortunately cannot afford both. The more I think about it the more I realise I don’t need an Ipad mini I just want one. Priorities Saz priorities…

As for the tan well.. I look like an orange Dalmatian. Instead of being black and white I’m orange and white!

I say this because my tan is gradually coming off and the more I bathe the more the tan seems to shred off in pieces to reveal my pasty skin underneath.

For anyone looking at me would think I’ve got a healthy glow however I’d have to beg to differ. I see some of those women on the TV who repeatedly apply fake tan and it looks a bloody mess. They think they look hot and I think not. They look like a cross between an orangutan and the fella off the old fashioned tango adverts. I mean howay is that sexy? Of course it isn’t.

The next 24 hours will be about preparing for our second mini lakes to our home away from home. We are off to Bowness on Friday and I cannot wait. Fingers crossed the weather is better than the turn of the year when we last visited. New hotel this time however I’ve got all my places to eat, drink and be merry to look forward to. I don’t intend for my hard work to be wasted therefore will be opting for a swim and a steam when I’m away. Sheer bliss.

To conclude today’s post. Take baby steps and look at what you’ve achieved so far. Without struggle there’s no process and sometimes we need to fall to realise how strong we actually are. Never give up on you because you’re worth more than you can possibly imagine.


3 thoughts on “Journeys and taking small steps.

  1. Great blog post, Sal. I’m terrible for trying to do too much and then wondering why my body is reacting badly. Epilepsy makes me very anxious and I constantly worry about whether I’m ok or whether I’m going to have a seizure. Medication mostly keeps me stable but every couple of months I’ll have a partial seizure and then beat myself up for ‘causing’ it. Baby steps and reflecting back on how far you’ve come is great advice – I’ll be doing some of that!

    • Hey LM.

      Thank you for responding and providing me with feedback. I’m glad you enjoyed the post and are taking on some of that advice. My family are a stickler for giving advice therefore after hearing them repeatedly over the years I decided that what they’re saying is right. Life’s too short to kick yourself because you aren’t in control of your Epilepsy.

      Anxiety is something that comes with our condition and that’s normal. Like you I’m on medication and have questioned why I shake/fit when I’m on them however when all’s said and done it’s just our body’s way of coping.

      Never beat yourself up mate because it’s not your fault. Take those baby steps, reflect and realise that what you’re doing is great! 🙂

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