Shakes, restlessness and the smell of old biscuits.

Good evening everyone apologies for not blogging yesterday evening.

I’m currently taking people’s advice and minimising the workload by carrying out a couple of jobs a day instead of getting completely stressed out and attempting to do all my jobs at once. It’s physically impossible for me to do this without something being jeopardised and usually it’s my health that gets the pounding.

I have therefore set myself mini reminders anywhere and everywhere I can ranging from my IPhone ,to the fridge, to the side of my bed side cabinet. Everywhere I go there’s post it notes and to be honest it’s dementing me however I’m feeling a lot calmer therefore intend to persevere.

I understand that this task will take time and unfortunately cannot be rectified overnight. For someone who’s quite meticulous in the way she plans her day I’m a person who likes to be organised and knows where she stands the majority of the time. Altering my persona to remove that stress is quite hard but I’m getting there.

This morning before going to work I read the following quote.

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall”

Rising when we fall? If you can do that then you do anything because life is about knocks. The getting back up shows courage and drive.

I would say having Epilepsy is a condition that has tested my patience. It’s something that has made me question my strength and ability to cope with a condition that’s outside of my control. To be told by the medical profession that I would get no warning before a fit was something that not only freaked me out but made me want to break down and cry at every available opportunity. The fear of leaving the house was one of my biggest hurdles.

As time went on stories would come out from under the woodwork where people had been mugged whilst convulsing and others had been discriminated against for having Epilepsy. What I wanted to shout was “How dare you, what a fucking pack of arseholes” for being so nasty however always having this sinking feeling that one day I’d be in the firing line and would become more of a statistic than a young girl with a lasting medical condition.

As a teenager I was always about winning in my own head. I wanted to prove to myself that having a condition such as Epilepsy would not penalise me in any way, shape or form. I wanted to prove the world wrong, what exactly I’m not quite certain however there was always this fire and ice effect.

The fire would be the pressure, the pressure to succeed and the determined side of me who wanted to win at all costs. I wanted to beat my Epilepsy however as time went on realised that this was the wrong attitude to have.

The ice on the other hand would not only attempt to calm down the pressure however it was the worried side of me who for whatever reason couldn’t actually push herself the way the fiery part wanted her to if that makes any sense. It’s like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. Which side of you do you prefer?

I’m going to be ignorant here and say that I never knew about Epilepsy fully until a few years ago when I was undergoing therapy and learning that running away from my condition wasn’t actually getting me anywhere.

To hear others explaining their condition and how they coped was rather therapeutic for me. Like writing this blog their support and will to carry on was something I found rather comforting and something that I wanted for myself.

Many question whether Epilepsy is hereditary and in some cases there is a generic link. The likelihood is that you may have it as a result of your parental line however in my case none of my family had Epilepsy. I was the first one. My mam has and still does suffer from anxiety attacks that I too have experienced from time to time however we both are starting to understand how anxiety arises and how we as mother and daughter can help one another to get through this together.

I think the main question people ask themselves when something drastically goes wrong is. Why me?

I have ran through that question so many times in my head that my head’s sore. There’s no why me because everyone suffers from problems trivial or not. Everyone in their lifetime will experience health issues, bereavement and disappointment therefore don’t be hard on yourself.

On the topic of being too hard on yourself I’d say today was a funny day. I was prancing round the office wanting to dance every five minutes because I knew come 3.30 I’d be off work for two weeks. I ate a bar of galaxy this morning and felt rather gluttonous because I wasn’t keeping my own promise however didn’t eat any further rubbish to redeem myself.

As I was leaving work I could feel my body starting to shake. My mam and I went to the local coffee shop for a cup of tea and a sandwich however the shakes were in full swing. My head felt weary, I was restless and my body sore however I knew that come 5pm I had to get a spray tan done therefore I needed to try and pull myself round and remain calm.

Calm is exactly what I did. I shook throughout the entire spray tan however was adamant that this was going to be completed. I was no longer going to be pasty. I’m sick of looking like a block of ice with the occasional red shoulders from fence painting. Shortly after the spray tan the shakes stopped. This may have been the fact that my body was shocked at the idea that my body was no longer pasty and was now a shade of orange- A sunkissed glow I’d like to say.

On the topic of spray tans I’d like to explain the following. Spray tans make you feel good, they give you that oomph and make you look “well” as my mother would say. I usually have a spray tan for special occasions and remain white for the remainder of the year. The downside to any fake tan is the after smell.

Now come on.. I fucking stink. We all do after a tan, there’s no denying it. Returning home the first thing I did was reach in for a cuddle off our Benny (the cat) he smelt me and scooched off. Now howay what’s all that about?

I’d like to call tan problems the “Tanscapades” a combination of tan and an escapade.

The tanscapades usually consist of walking around the house like an absolute tool trying our very best to not get fake tan on our carpets, cushions and anything sentimental. It’s safe to say that I smell of old biscuits. I smell like the cheap biscuits my gran would buy for me and encourage me to eat before the sell by date ran out. Every time I get tanned I think of those ginger snaps stinking away however I cannot help myself and have another.

Sleeping in it is the worst. It’s extremely difficult to refrain your partner from moving onto your side of the bed while you’re trying to remain still and not smudge the tan. Let’s just say it’s an obstacle and a half. As you are all well aware I cannot apply tan for toffee therefore leave it to the professionals smell or not.

Two words. London calling. Now this isn’t the song this is what my weekend is going to entail. Tower of London, theatrical performance of the Lion King, Camden market, indulging in hearty food and having the occasional glass of wine. As I’ve stook to Jillian’s plan of trying to tone my body then I will have a treat however will not go overboard. Trying to stay away from chocolate is so hard. How do I stop eating choc?

To conclude todays post. Don’t look back because you might miss what’s right in front you. Try to be as stress-free if you can. Unfortunately we may not achieve our goals in one day however make the unachievable into the achievable by taking some of that stress off your own shoulders.

Restlessness is a right bugger and something that incenses me however as I learn from my mistakes I start to see that life is what you make of it and being stressed out over trivial things doesn’t resolve anything.

We are bound to be stressed when we face uncertainty however try your best to do what you can with the tools you have. Educate yourself, ask for advice and better still do both over a cuppa. It means you can get answers whilst quenching your thirst.

As for the tan.. well. I can moan all I like, make excuses as to how gorgeous I want to be come tomorrow morning when I wash the excess off however the conclusion is. I still smell of old biscuits.


3 thoughts on “Shakes, restlessness and the smell of old biscuits.

  1. “Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall”–wow, but isn’t that the truth for someone with epilepsy? Thanks.

      • No problem. I’m glad you liked the post. Feel it’s quite ironic about the rising every time we fall however felt that it was essential to touch on this because falling permanently is never an option.

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