A little older, a little wiser?

Good evening everyone, a late one from me this evening therefore I best make it short and relatively snappy.. If I can. I may be a year older however that hasn’t stopped my mouth from going.

What a marvellous few days we’ve had. The weather’s been glorious and the best it’s been all year and for once I can actually remove my scarf, look out of the window and go out with my spring/summer gere on. The only downside is the having to go to work when the weather’s so pleasant however hey ho the bills have to be paid so I best quit my whinging.

Today has been a day of celebration, a one that every year makes me feel like a very large child bouncing around like a right plonker. The reason being.. It’s birthday! My 28th birthday and I feel a day over 15. I was born in the Summer of 1985 six weeks early to be precise.

I should have been born on July 20th much to the dismay of my mother who intended to have six weeks of peace and quiet lounging in the back garden basking in the sun before her daughter’s arrival. Needless to say that was never going to happen and there you have it me making an appearance early and causing little havoc ever since.

Birthday’s to me are like Christmas. Like Christmas I do the usual get up extremely early (about 5.30am) before walking quickly downstairs to see if any surprises await me. When they do then I can sit there with a large cup of coffee, a bowl of cereal and get all excited at the mini presents received.

Every year I hope that I will turn into a civilised adult who can be patient and wait to open her cards ON her birthday and not before. Unfortunately this wish never comes true. Either way today I was a happy bunny. I’ll chat about that later on.

Tonight’s quote is one that is the most important.

“If you want to feel rich count the things you have that money can’t buy”

As I’m rearing my thirties I’m starting to count my blessings more than I ever have. Over the course of the past few years I’ve noticed my parents along with the in laws getting older and their health’s deteriorating. This in itself is just nature’s course however it’s something I’m not familiar with and am afraid of. Usually it’s me sitting opposite a paramedic after a seizure or being whisked to hospital with drips up each arm however our parents now seem to be the ones in the driving seat.

Feeling rich is about seeing what’s exactly in front of you and focusing on what you currently have. You could have all the money in the world however would you be fulfilled entirely.

If someone said to you I’ll give you all the world and more however in return I’ll take your family away from you or your best friend. What would you choose? I know which one I’d choose and that would be to have the people I love around me. Money can’t buy that type of happiness. Losing someone I loved would break me literally.

When I was younger having Epilepsy was something that scared me beyond comprehension. At first I thought it was like having head lice that all it would take would be a course of tablets (instead of anti lice shampoo) to get rid of the problem. Unfortunately it wasn’t as easy as that, in fact if it was that easy then I wouldn’t be sitting here writing today.

Having Epilepsy made me paranoid. This could have been a side effect from the medication however I am uncertain whether it was. I was constantly waiting for something to happen or for someone to question why I was the way I was. My mind was like a pressure cooker waiting to go off and having no real certainty as to when I’d explode.

As time passed by the tension subsided slightly and I was coming to terms with a condition I thought would have bypassed me within a year or two. Twenty years on the condition still remains just not as lively as it once was.

With me there was thing I found extremely distressing. People are reluctant to talk about this aspect of Epilepsy however with me it was the embarrassing factor.

It was the worry that when I did convulse that I would pee myself and that everyone would stand around me sympathising yet deep down laughing at the fact I’d peed myself. Every time I had a seizure I would pat my body for potential bruising, check my teeth for any chips and see whether I had peed myself. This was something that I found not only to be unpleasant but something that would bug me for many years.

When you have an episode such as this it’s perfectly normal for these motions to take place. It’s your body’s way of coping the only way it knows how. You cannot alter what your body does therefore although you dislike what’s happening you have to attempt to remove this worry from the back of your mind and carry on.

Pardon the pun here but if people take the piss out of you because something like that has happened then what sort of person does that make them? A shallow one? Most definitely, probably a person that’s never had to go through the unpleasant feeling of worrying to that extent before.

Ask yourself these questions when you’re worrying. If an unpleasant experience happens do you think people are going to be sitting there poking fun out of you after the occurrence? Are you going to be on their mind 24/7 or are they just going to get on with their everyday lives?

My dad has a saying about passers by “Someone will look at you for one minute and then not give a toss, that’s how much people care” and he’s right.

Why do we care so much about what people think? They don’t live our lives, they don’t understand a fraction of what we go through therefore why do we bother unless we know them personally?

There’s been people in the street whom I had so much admiration for.

This lady had a large red birthmark that took over 75% of her face. She walked towards me and instead of staring at her like the people around me were doing I just smiled and noticed that instead of the lady having this rather angry mark on her face that she did in fact have a vibrant smile and hair colour that was twice as bright. People appeared to be sniggering and name calling as she walked past that of which annoyed me but didn’t annoy her.

This started making me think. Within minutes I compared this lady’s carefree attitude with that of my own. I have on occasion had shaking episodes both inside and outside of work, some of which I worry about. I worry more about the thoughts of others than my own. I have worried about them looking at me differently and thinking that I’m not normal.

Deep down I understand that the majority are there to support me and that this is my insecurity showing it’s ugly face. Nowadays I’m learning that worrying is like a rocking chair you can worry all you want however it doesn’t actually get you anywhere and doesn’t help the shakes whatsoever.

On a brighter note today has been a day of delight, presents and sheer spoiltness- I know that’s not a word but it’s a Sazism, a word that describes right now the way I feel.

This morning I woke to cards and presents galore some of which included my cream converse from my mam, a blazer, skincare and a bottle of perfume. I was then treated to a steak dinner (with veg even though I wanted the chips) before going for an Elemis facial paid for by my other half. The facial was sublime and I was drifted away to an hour of pampering bliss.

Whilst paying I tried not to purchase a handful of goodies and walked away feeling relaxed and rejuvenated. Before long I was off to my grans who bought me a pack of galaxy’s with £50 inside.

Don’t ask me how she got £50 into a pack of chocolate without breaking the seal however all I can say is that she’s one clever and generous person. I couldn’t be hurtful and not have a bar of chocolate however ensured that this was the only bar eaten during the day. The remaining chocolate has been locked away somewhere that I know nothing about. Thank god..

As for the exercise I didn’t shirk today and was panting away whilst doing the Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred DVD. The woman is a machine however I am sticking to my guns and trying to stick to it. No birthday rest was allowed I was raring to go.. particularly when I knew I was going to have some form of sweet treat later. Oops.

The countdown is on to my trip to London on Saturday. It’s officially three days till we go and I cannot wait. I feel like I’m going to burst. The spring clothes are prepared and I’m off to the Tower of London on Sunday. I best not see Anne Boleyn’s ghost otherwise I would shit myself.. literally.

To conclude today’s post. A little older. Yep. A little wiser.. I’m working on it. Time is a great healer and one that makes you think. Some people can’t accept they’re getting older however this is just part of the aging process. In many instances growing older is another form of acceptance.

It’s the acceptance that you didn’t have when you were younger. In my case it’s the acceptance of my condition, my acknowledgement of previous insecurities and the realisation that life is what you make of it. Deep down I’ll always be this little girl with something to prove however I know in my heart that I have everything I need right here.

It’s been a long struggle however I’m getting there gradually and am starting to like what I see. Wonder what the next birthday will have in store.


2 thoughts on “A little older, a little wiser?

  1. Happy belated birthday! Sorry it’s late, I’ve only just caught up with my blog reading. I’m glad you had lots of very deserved treats and I’m in awe that you still did the 30 Day Shred. Amazing! x

    • Thank you! I did have a fabulous birthday! 30 day shred is wooping my ass however doing relatively well. Let’s see how I last when I return from my getaway this weekend. Gonna be sore.. xx

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